


Heartache: Abyss of Emerald and the Azure Flame

by Lopithecus



Series: Heartache [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Sexual Content, Strong Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-25
Updated: 2014-03-07
Packaged: 2018-01-13 19:25:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 40
Words: 105,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1238122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lopithecus/pseuds/Lopithecus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being able to date without people trying to stop them for three years, Castiel Novak is ready to marry the man of his dreams, but will Dean Winchester be ready, too? Sequel to Heartache: Teenage Love; can read seperate but it references orginal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to Heartache: Teenage Love. You don’t have to read that first but this does reference things that have happened in Heartache: Teenage Love and will not be explained in here so if you are wondering about something then you’ll have to go and read the first one. I will say, though, the already established relationships are Dean/Castiel and Lucifer/Chuck. If the Lucifer/Chuck thing confuses you please read Heartache: Teenage Love first.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own anything.
> 
> Originally Posted on Fanfiction.net from: Apr 28, 2012 - Jul 23, 2013

**Chapter 1:**

 

I’m lying in bed with my boyfriend of four years. We’ve only been allowed to date peacefully for about three years now and honestly, I’m ready to take it up a notch.

 

We’re currently living with Lucifer and his boyfriend Chuck, odd couple I know but it works, and Dean and Lucifer are always at each other’s throats… well at least 99% of the time. There are those rare occasions when they get along which only creep me and Chuck out.

 

Dean works at his father’s friend’s garage as a mechanic and I, well I’m currently unemployed and going to collage to try and become a doctor. Of course, Lawrence doesn’t exactly have the greatest medical schools but Dean refuses to leave. I, on the other hand, can’t get out of this town fast enough. Lawrence doesn’t exactly hold the greatest of memories for me, the best ones consisting of before my dad and brother, Gabriel, died in a car crash, meeting and befriending Lucifer and Chuck, and getting together with Dean. Other than those life was just a pain in the ass and I would like to forget that whole past.

 

Unfortunately, life isn’t so generous and when Dean and I started dating secretively, well let me just say, all hell broke loose and it was just one big fucked up time. I was a miserable mess and Dean was an ass, his father being an even bigger ass wipe, but hell, that’s all in the past now, right?

 

Wrong… I’m constantly reminded of mine and Dean’s screw ups and I always feel like I have to look over my shoulder to make sure John Winchester isn’t there with a fucking rifle. It’s a great life I lead.

 

I cuddle up closer to Dean, resting my head in the crook of his neck, my dark brown hair brushing against his chin. “Dean?” I whisper, kissing his chest lightly.

 

He squirms a little and sighs deeply. “Hmm?”

 

I cup his cheek and kiss the other. “You awake?”

 

“Now I am.” He says groggily.

 

“Sorry.” I rub my cheek against his own, our noses brushing slightly. “How about you and I go to a different state that allows same sex marriage and-”

 

“Cas.” He sighs. “No, okay.”

 

I sit up on my elbow, leaning my head on my balled up fist, my other hand sweeping through Dean’s hair. “Why not Dean? I just want to get out of this town, this state.”

 

“Cas,” He starts. “Listen we can’t, not now. Not only do we not have enough money, but I’m not going to transfer Sammy to a new school.”

 

I sigh. “Sam already told us that it is fine with him if he transfers and the money… we’ll figure something out.”

 

“Cas, we’re living with Chuck and the devil because we can’t afford to live on our own.” Dean states.

 

“ _Lucifer_ and Chuck said that they would come with us.” I say.

 

“And what about Bobby, I’m not just going to leave him.” Dean claims.

 

“Bobby can handle himself and I’m not saying we’ll never come and visit him.” I explain.

 

Dean huffs and shakes his head “Right Cas.” He says sarcastically. “Like that’ll happen, after everything that has happened here. Once we leave, you’ll never want to come back.”

 

I stare into his emerald eyes. “Dean just because bad things happened here doesn’t mean that I would deprive you from seeing someone you’ve known your whole life.” I kiss his forehead. “I’ll just have to deal with the memories for a few days but Dean; I don’t want to live with these things reminding me of what happened every day. I don’t want to feel as if I always have to look over my shoulder for John Winchester on a rampage.”

 

He shakes his head, closing his eyes then reopening them. “First, my dad is in jail and he’s not going to get you. Second, do you have to bring that up this early in the morning?”

 

I lie back down on my back. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. “You’re right, sorry.” I get up.

 

“Cas, don’t do that to me.” Dean says annoyed.

 

I turn back to him, half way to the bureau. “Like what?”

 

“Get mad at me.” Dean gives me his best puppy dog eyes.

 

I smile. “I’m not mad at you.”

 

“Cas, I’ve known you long enough, hell I’ve seen you pissed at me enough, to know when you’re mad… at me.” Dean explains.

 

I huff and look to the floor shaking my head. I then look at Dean again. “Dean I swear, I’m not mad at you.” I turn back to the dresser, pulling out a pair of blue jeans and one of Dean’s shirts.

 

Dean yawns. “What are you doing up so early anyways?”

 

I pull down the light grey sweat pants that I wore to bed and slip on the jeans. “It’s seven o’clock Dean, I have to get ready for a class.”

 

Dean sighs, rubbing his face. “Why did you choose classes so early? We could be having rough morning sex right now, you know?”

 

I pull the shirt on and go up to Dean, getting close to his face. “So that way we can have rough night sex.” I kiss his nose. “See you Dean.” I leave the room.

 

I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a bowl of cereal. Dean walks in just as I’m putting the milk away. “You can’t just say something like that and expect me to go back to sleep. Now I have to jerk off in the shower.”

 

I chuckle. “Then you better be thinking of me.”

 

“Of course.” He comes up and wraps his arms around my waist. “Everybody else is ugly.” I chuckle again. Dean leans forward, kissing me sweetly. He slowly slips his tongue into my mouth.

 

“Ewe… get a room.” We both pull away at the sound of Lucifer’s voice.

 

Dean turns around, clearly annoyed. “Like we haven’t walked in on you and Chuck enough times.” He watches as Lucifer laughs and grabs a bowl for himself. “Those are scenes I don’t really want to see, Lucifer.”

 

“Too bad Dean-o.” Lucifer pours his cereal of choice. “You live under my roof, you’ll just have to… deal with me and Chuckles and our… extravaganzas.”

 

“Lucifer.” I warn with a slight laugh.

 

“What?” He asks as he pours the milk.

 

Dean’s giving him a dirty look. “Whatever man.” He walks away to take a shower, leaving me and Lucifer in the kitchen.

 

“Do you have to tease him like that?” I ask, highly amused.

 

Lucifer Chuckles. “Yeah, it’s fun.” He walks up to me and kisses my cheek. He then walks out of the room and into the living room, taking a bite of his food.

 

I chuckle then finish my breakfast. I go to the bathroom and walk in, Dean still taking a shower. I open the drug cabinet and pull out my antidepressants and anti-anxiety pill bottle. I take one of each, swallowing them down with some water.

 

I walk up to the shade of the shower. I pull the curtain aside Dean jumping and squeaking in surprise. I smirk at him and lean in. I kiss his lips. “Goodbye Dean. Have a good day at work.”

 

“And you at school.” He smirks back.

 

I kiss him one last time then walk out, hearing Dean singing an AC/DC song. “Bye Lucifer.” I call into the living room.

 

“Bye Angel.” I hear his reply.

 

I exit the house and enter my car, a blue 1967 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 396, because Dean refused to have me drive anything other than a Chevy. As I drive away I try to come up with a plan to get Dean to marry me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

 

When I get home from school in the late afternoon, only Chuck is home working on his newest book. “Hello Chuck.”

 

Chuck looks up from the computer screen, glasses set firmly on the bridge of his nose. “Oh… uh… hi… Castiel.”

 

I smile at him then walk to mine and Dean’s room. Sam should be arriving home soon and that means Dean will be, too. I grab a book from the fifth shelf of the bookcase in our room and lie in bed reading the beginning. I still haven’t come up with what I can do to get Dean to say yes about marrying my sweet ass but I’m working on it.

 

Not even a half hour later, I hear the door slam shut with probably a little more force than necessary and Sam’s long strides pounding up the steps. “Leave me alone Dean!” I hear from the hall as Sam passes.

 

The door soon open, revealing Dean in old ripped jeans and a maroon t-shirt. The taller man sighs heavily and walks to the side of the bed I’m not on then plummets to the springed mattress. “What happened?” I ask once I confirm Dean won’t bite my head off.

 

Dean gives an aggravated grunt in return, turning his head to look at me. “Hey.”

 

“Hello.” I greet with a smirk but also a questioning look.

 

“Just Sam and his girl problems.” Dean answers my stare. “I gave him some advice.”

 

I scoff and Dean gives me a look. “You, give Sam advice, on girls?” I start cracking up, gulping in air.

 

“Hey,” Dean defends. “I use to get girls bending over backwards for me before I became gay for you.” He pounces on me so he is on top. I squeak in surprise but it’s soon replaced with more laughter. Apparently laughter is contagious because Dean starts to have his own laughing fit. “Don’t laugh at me.” He quickly seals our lips in a lazy kiss then pulls away. “I think you need some punishment.”

 

I can already feel myself getting extremely turned on. “Yes master, please punish me.”

 

Dean nuzzles the crook of my neck, kissing nipping, licking, and sucking it. “You’re wearing my shirt.” Dean mumbles against my skin, kissing his way sown to the collar of the t-shirt.

 

“I know I’m a really bad boy. Please punish me.” I’m not an expert at dirty talk but I do know what gets Dean turned on and what doesn’t.

 

Dean reaches in-between the both of us and grabs the hem of his shirt. He lifts it up over my head, exposing my bare chest and hardened nipples. He gets off me and walks over to the closet. “I was thinking tied to the bed blindfolded. Sound good?” Dean turns back to me, rope in hand and I nod. He walks back over to the bed, grabs my wrist and ties it to the bed post. He then does that to my other wrist and ties the navy blue blindfold over my eyes.

 

I feel vulnerable but that adds to the excitement. I feel Dean trail his hands down my chest followed by his mouth. He pays a lot of attention to my nipples, causing them to turn red in irritation. He continues to trail kisses down until he reaches my pant’s buckle. He unfastens it quickly and more skilled than he really should be, and agonizingly slowly pulls my pants down, revealing the growing bulge in my underwear. He kisses the head of my dick through the fabric and I can already feel the pre-cum oozing out, painting a prominent wet spot on the front of my boxers.

 

I can hear Dean shrugging off his own shirt and then unzipping his jeans that I can now hear landing on the floor in a big heap. Dean lays himself on top of me, our chest pressed together. He kisses me, forcefully pushing his tongue into my mouth, and grinding against me. I moan in ecstasy, enjoying the pure feeling of pleasure down south. He continues to do this until I’m sure I’m not going to be able to hold on much longer but Dean abruptly stops. He moves down my body again, stopping at my boxers. This time he pulls them off and I hear his own join my discarded underwear on the floor. He lies back on me and begins to furiously pump his hips forward, causing our erection to slide, rub, and bump into each other’s.

 

I gasp loudly at the feeling and moan Dean’s name. I feel his lips on my ear. “Be quiet. You are not allowed to talk. Do you understand?” I nod and Dean continues his assault.

 

As he continues to grind our hard ons together, he effortlessly reaches into the nightstand and pulls out what I’m assuming is the lube because I hear a definite pop of a cap. The next thing I know, I have two extremely ice cold fingers pushing into me.

 

“Dean!” I almost yell in surprise but manage to keep my voice down.

 

Almost immediately after my outburst the fingers are gone. “What did I say Cas?” Dean asks harshly.

 

“To be quiet.” I answer the unseen man.

 

“I expect you to follow that.” His voice is deep, rough and harsh. His lips are back at my neck and he bites down hard enough to draw blood. I moan in complete pleasure. “You’re such a slut when it comes to pain.” I nod as he adds his fingers again, adding one more.

 

Once I’m all prepped, Dean lines himself up and pushes all the way in, using a smooth move. There was pain but I didn’t have enough time to pay much time to it for the fact that Dean started to move right away, fast.

 

Both of us are moaning loudly, Dean occasionally saying my shortened name and even more rarely saying my full name, and me not uttering a word.

 

Dean leans down to the other side of my neck, the one without the bite. “Let go for me Castiel.” He bites that side of my neck this time, drawing blood and I completely lose it.

 

I groan loudly as I reach my climax, shooting all over Dean’s chest as he continues to pound relentlessly into me.

 

It’s starting to hurt me now, and not the pain I find pleasure in. “Just… a… few… more… baby.” Dean grumbles just before coming deep inside my body.

 

Dean collapses onto my body trying to catch his breath. Once he does he pulls out, me wincing slightly. He undoes the blindfold and lets my wrist free. There are red lines of rope burn around my wrists but I don’t care. Dean lies next to me and snuggles into my chest.

 

“I love you.” He mumbles.

 

“Love you too Dean.” I mumble back.

 

There’s a knock at our bedroom door. “Hey, lovebirds, dinner’s ready.” Comes Lucifer’s voice.

 

Dean blinks his eyes open, sighs then gets up. He grabs a towel from this morning and wipes himself off. “Well this is going to be annoying. You think Lucifer will get mad if I take a shower first?”

 

I smile at him lovingly. “Probably but it’s better than sitting at the dinner table in your own sticky mess.”

 

“True.” Dean kisses my lips. “Join me?”

 

“I’ll be right there.” I tell him. He smiles and leaves the room with the towel wrapped around his waist. I sigh and close my eyes briefly before opening my eyes to peer at the ceiling. _How am I going to convince him?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

 

The next day Bobby comes over for lunch. I’m helping Lucifer and Chuck set up the table while Dean and Bobby are out on the porch drinking beer. “So Angel, when is Dean going to marry you?” Lucifer asks just as I set down the salad bowl.

 

I huff a laugh. “Probably never.”

 

“I-I thought he p-promised you?” Chuck asks as he sets the plates.

 

“Yeah, when I was dying. I think it was just a desperate move by a desperate man to make me die happy.” I state.

 

“Eh I wouldn’t be so sure angel, I mean, anybody can see the guy is head over heels for you.” Lucifer says, walking past me and setting the spaghetti on the table. “He just… has commitment issues.”

 

I look to the floor. “Doesn’t change the fact that he promised me, three years ago.”

 

Lucifer walks up to me and lifts my head to pear into my eyes. “It’ll be okay angel. It’ll happen soon I’m sure. I how much longer can the guy make you wait?” He kisses my cheek then opens the front door to usher the two men inside.

Dean calls Sam down who promptly runs down the stairs at full speed and plops is enormous body in a chair at the kitchen table. “This looks really good Lucifer.”

 

“Thanks kiddo.” Lucifer ruffles his hair gaining a vicious glare by Dean.

 

Dean sits next to Bobby and I sit next to him and across from Lucifer who sits next to Chuck who is next to Sam. “You know Lucifer, when are you and Chuck getting married?” I ask Lucifer.

 

Lucifer knows immediately what I’m doing and plays along. “Oh soon I hope. I did _promise_ Chuck I would someday. I’m hoping someday is soon.”

 

Dean shakes his head from side to side and looks angrily at Lucifer. “I know what you two are doing and not going to work.”

 

“What’s wrong with Angel asking me a simple question?” Lucifer asks Dean.

 

I quickly take Dean’s knife away, afraid that he’s going to try and stab Lucifer. “Since you two are trying to set me up to ask Castiel to marry me.”

 

“Well you did promise him didn’t you?” Lucifer points out. “You know, when your father shot him.” Now I know Lucifer is also getting pissed. That subject is touchy with me and Dean but Lucifer, you should never mention that day to him and when he brings it up, you know he means business and that he is pissed as hell.

 

I can tell Dean is trying really hard to contain his anger from _that_ subject being brought up. “You better shut your mouth.”

 

“Or what?” Lucifer challenges. “You going to sick your father on me too?”

 

Dean clenches his jaw. “I didn’t-”

 

“You might as well have.” Lucifer interrupts. I really wish I could go back in time and stop myself from bringing the marriage up.

 

Dean pushes away from the table and walks out. He stomps up the stairs and slams the door to our bedroom. Lucifer does the same thing next. “I-I better m-m-make sure he’s okay.” Chuck excuses himself and leaves.

 

“You want me to try and calm Dean down?” Sam asks, looking a little wary. I nod and Sam goes to join Dean.

 

“I guess it’s just the two of us.” Bobby says and starts eating.

 

I look to him. “Hi Bobby, how are you?” I say with a sarcastic smirk.

 

“Wipe that sarcastic smirk off your face boy, you know exactly what you did.” Bobby scolds.

 

“I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this.” I defend.

 

“Oh yeah? You sure you weren’t tryin’ to get Lucifer to stand up to your point?” Bobby asks.

 

I fidget in my seat. “Yeah sure, I wanted Lucifer to point out the marriage idea but… I didn’t want this to happen.”

 

Bobby sighs. “I know ya didn’t kid.” I can barely see Bobby’s eyes under the baseball cap but I’m sure they are sympathetic. “Why don’t you go try and fix it.”

 

“I don’t know how Bobby.” I look at him with sad eyes. “I don’t know how to get him to marry me.”

 

“Have you tried proposing yourself, ring and all?” Bobby asks.

 

I think about this for a few seconds then a smile creeps up on my face. “You know what, you’re right. Why wait for Dean to do it when I can. Bobby you’re a genius.”

 

“Idjit.” Bobby simply says then goes back to eating.

 

…

 

The next day I go out and buy a gold band ring for me and Dean. On both I put the engraving ‘Destiel’ and walk out of the store a happy camper. When I get home no one else is, Lucifer leaving a note saying that he and chuck went out on date, and Dean leaving a note saying that he went out for a drive and will be back soon. I sit in the living room waiting nervously for Dean to get home.

 

Lucifer and chuck come home first, making out as they walk in. I clear my throat and the two of them quickly separate. “Angel, hey.” Lucifer clears his throat too.

 

“C-C-Castiel.” Chuck’s face is a deep red.

 

“I guess we’ll just… uh… go to our room.” They both make their way upstairs.

 

It’s another half hour before Dean comes home. As soon as he walks through the door I’m up and in front him. “Dean I have a question.”

 

Dean scrunches his eyebrows together in confusion. “Yeah?”

 

I swallow nervously and pull out the black box with both our rings in it. “Will you marry me.” Okay maybe I should have eased him into it but the nerves too over, despite the two anti-anxiety pills I took beforehand.

 

Dean stares at the box in disbelief. “You’re kidding.”

 

I shake my head no. “N-no.”

 

Deana looks into my eyes and I’m surprised to see anger there. “Ca, seriously, how many times do I have to tell you, no.” He walks to the couch but doesn’t sit.

 

“What? But… but…” I can’t find the words. “I don’t understand, I thought-”

 

“No you didn’t think.” Dean snaps and makes me flinch.

 

“I’m sorry.” I say quietly.

 

“I’m not going to marry you Cas.” I feel like crying. “Not right now.”

 

“Then when?” I ask, trying to keep my voice calm.

 

Dean shakes his head, looking at the floor. “I don’t Cas.”

 

Anger flares in my chest all of a sudden. “How much longer do you think I’m going to wait Dean?” Dean looks at me in confusion. “Do you think I won’t leave?”

 

“What?” Dean’s face spells confused.

 

“Cause if you think that,” I get up in his face. “Don’t expect me to be home when you get home.” I say angrily. I turn around and storm up the steps and into our room. I slam the door shut and if Dean knows what’s good for him he won’t come inside.

 

I pace with anger and stop at the dresser. Our picture of four years ago, the one with the snowman and Dean kissing my cheek, sits on top. I grab it, stare at it, then throw it hard against the wall. The glass shatters but I don’t care, I just grab a black suit case and begin opening the draws in the bureau and grabbing handfuls of my clothing. I begin stuffing them in the suitcase. Then the door opens. “Cas you okay? I heard something-” Dean stops mid sentence. “What are you doing?”

 

I ignore him and continue packing. My clothes are becoming unfolded due to the force of me putting them in but I don’t care, I just want to show Dean that I can’t be pushed around.

 

I zip up the suitcase once I put as much clothes in it as possible. That’s when Dean notices the picture and walks up to it. He picks up the piece of paper and shakes the glass off and stares down at it. I walk passed him, still ignoring the taller man. “Lucifer!” I yell.

 

I meet Chuck in the hall way instead. “What’s going o-on?”

 

“I’m leaving.” Chuck looks at me confused but doesn’t pry. I pull him into a hug. “I’ll see later and I’ll call with my whereabouts.”

 

We let go. “L-Lucifer is in the living room.”

 

“Thanks Chuck.” I say and make my way to the living room.

 

By now Dean is following. “Cas wait, let’s talk.”

 

I continue to ignore him. “Lucifer.” I say as soon as I enter the room.

 

Lucifer looks up from his place on the couch and stands up as soon as he sees the suitcase. I walk up to and Dean stays in the doorway like a lost puppy. “What’s going on Angel?”

 

I look at him with a loving smile. “I’m leaving.”

 

“Why?” He asks confused.

 

“It’s long and complicated to tell you right now. I’ll call with where I am and I promise to explain things then.” I tell the taller man.

 

He looks behind me at Dean with suspicion. I know once I leave the house he’s going to chew Dean out. “Okay.”

 

I pull him into a hug just like Chuck. “I love you Lucifer.”

 

Lucifer squeezes. “I love you too, Angel.”

 

We let go and smile at each other. I go to the door and hear Dean say, “Cas where are your going to go at this time a night? You have no money.”

 

“I don’t know Dean, I’ll find something.” I tell him without looking at him. Then I leave.

 

I get into my Chevelle, start it up, then drive away. I space most of the drive not knowing where I’m going to go but my mind brings me to Bobby’s. I knock on his front door and wait for him to answer.

 

Once he does the first thing he says is, “What are you doing here?”

 

“I… um… ran away I guess.” I answer.

 

Bobby rolls his eyes and lets me in, muttering idjit under his breath. “You can have the couch, there’s already blanket on it so make yourself comfortable. I’m goin’ back to bed.”

 

I nod and watch as he leaves. I set up the couch, unfolding the baby yellow blanket that I thought odd for Bobby to have, and climb under them. I can’t get to sleep until three in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For any new comers that haven’t read the first part of this (Heartache: Teenage Love), I just want to say Castiel and Lucifer are not biological brothers. They met in a psychiatric hospital because they were roommates. They ended up getting really close because the two of them were always there for each other. Lucifer basically replaced Michael, his actual biological brother who is also a dick, with Castiel, and Castiel replaced Gabriel, his brother that died with his father in a car accident, with Lucifer. So now they consider each other brothers because of the close bond they formed in the hospital.

**Chapter 4:**

 

I wake up to my phone ringing. I look over to the clock and read 11:00AM. I sigh and answer my phone. Lucifer’s voice comes from it. “What happened to calling?”

 

“Sorry I was sleeping.” I answer lying down on my back.

 

I hear him sigh. “Well while you were ‘sleeping’” I could practically hear the air quotes. “Dean has been packing his shit.”

 

I bolt upright. “What?”

 

“He packed a few suitcases, grabbed Sam, and left. He said goodbye to Chuck and glared at me before getting into his precious Impala and driving away.” Lucifer explains.

 

“This is a joke right?” I ask.

 

There’s a pause. “Sorry Angel, I wish it was.”

 

“Where’d he go?” I’m starting to feel a little panicked.

 

Lucifer takes a deep breath. “I don’t know. He didn’t tell me obviously and he didn’t tell Chuck. He just sounded like he was never coming back, where are you?”

 

“Bobby’s, why would he leave?” I ask.

 

“I guess he wouldn’t be at Bobby’s then. I wish I didn’t have to say this but I think it has something to do with you leaving.” Lucifer guesses. “You know, without you here there’s no way he’s going to continue living with _me._ ” I’m speechless with confusion, hurt, anger, and I don’t even know what else. “Angel?”

 

“Yeah I’m here.” I say quickly.

 

“You okay?” Lucifer asks in concern.

 

I don’t answer right away. “I’m fine. Dean’s a big boy, he can do whatever and move anywhere he wants.”

 

“Oh yeah, you’re totally okay. I’ll be right there so wait.” Lucifer says.

 

“Lucifer.” I stop him from hanging up. “I forgot to grab my pills when I left.”

 

There’s another pause. “Okay I’ll grab them.” Then he hangs up. When he gets to Bobby’s I’m sitting on the front porch step, staring off into space, trying to keep it together. “Hey.” Lucifer throws me the two pill bottles then hands me a water bottle. I down the two pills with the water. “How you doing?”

 

I don’t answer and instead ask, “Do you think this is it, between me and Dean, for good this time?” I look at him.

 

“Um…” Lucifer starts. “I don’t know, in the past you guys always got back together. I mean you two, you two breakup more often than people change their socks.”

 

I scrunch my eyebrows and tilt my head in confusion. “We don’t breakup every day.”

 

Lucifer rolls his eyes. “It’s a figure of speech Angel.”

 

“Oh.” I look down at my lap.

 

“Anyways,” Lucifer continues. “Most likely you two will get back together.”

 

“I’m not so sure this time, Lucifer.” I confess. “I screwed everything up, like I always do.”

 

“Hey don’t say that.” I place my face in my hands, palms covering my eyes. “I hope that pill starts working soon.” I hear Lucifer say under his breath but I ignore it.

 

“I’m the one that fucks up all the time. Dean is just trying to do his best and here I am pressuring him into something he doesn’t want to do just because I’m not strong enough, too weak, to live in the town that I got shot in.” I'm fighting back tears. “And now because of my stupidity, I probably lost him for good. Lucifer I can’t-” And the pipes break.

 

“Hey don’t cry Angel, I don’t like to see my little cherub sad.” Lucifer rubs my back.

 

I look at him. “You can’t even say anything to cheer me up because you know I’m right.” I shrug and begin to wipe the persistent tears away. “And now I’m acting like a baby.” I shake my head. “I’m pathetic.”

 

“Okay that’s enough.” Lucifer scolds. “No more putting yourself down. You’re a great person Angel and if Dean is too stupid to see that then it’s his lost.”

 

“But he’s not too stupid to see it.” I defend. “After all, he did choose me.” I take a deep breath. “I don’t blame him for leaving… and I left first.”

 

“Give it time Angel.” Lucifer whispers.

 

“He’s my whole life Lucifer.” I claim. “What am I going to do without him? Oh why was I so stupid?”

 

I start to cry again against my whishes and Lucifer pulls me into a hug, kissing my temple. “Oh little cherub, you still got me.” He kisses my temple again. “But I know it’s not the same.” Once I stop crying Lucifer pulls away. “Come on. We’ll have a brother’s night out. Just the two of us and we’ll worry about Dean after.”

 

I smile and nod. “Okay.”

 

“That’s the spirit.” He kisses my cheek. “Come on we’re taking my car.” Lucifer drives the both of us to the mall. Once there we walk into one of the store’s entrances from the outside. We spend the day looking at clothes, acting like kids in the toy section, and finally going out to the hall with all the other stores. We stop in a game store and play some of the trial games. We also go and visit the pet section, me looking at the cats mostly. The final thing we do is order food at two of the restaurants that the mall has. I have a burger while Lucifer has a salad. “So, did I cheer you up at all?” Lucifer asks with a smile.

 

“A little.” I smile weakly.

 

“It’ll be okay Angel.” Lucifer rubs my arm in reassurance.

 

I sigh. “I don’t know Lucifer; I have a bad feeling about this.”

 

“You know what,” Lucifer has that look of ‘I just had a great idea, praise me and treat me like a god’. “There’s a carnival coming into town in a few weeks, why don’t you call Dean and see if he wants go.”

 

“I’m going to have to say sorry in order for him to come.” I say defiantly. “And I’m not saying sorry.”

 

Lucifer sighs. “Angel, forget your pride and say you’re sorry.”

 

We don’t stay in the mall for much longer than that. The ride home is quiet, Lucifer only stopping at Bobby’s in order for me to get my stuff and tell Bobby I’m going back home. Once there I make my way upstairs, a part of me dreading going into the bedroom to see it empty of stuff. “Call me when supper is ready, unless you want me to make it?”

 

“Oh no thank you, I’d rather live.” I scowl at him playfully. “Angel?” I stop halfway up the stairs and turn slightly to look at Lucifer. “Chuck is out at a meeting at the publishers so it’ll only be you and me eating tonight.” I nod in conformation and continue my climb.

 

I open the door slowly and shut it even slower, taking everything in. The room is completely bare other than the bed in the middle of the room to the left, up against the wall. It’s even made which adds to the growing pile of evidence that Dean is not coming back.

 

I set my suitcase on the bed, swallowing even though my throat is dry, and begin unpacking. I unpack just as slow as I shut the door. Half way through putting my clothes away I see an envelope on my pillow. I ignore it until I have gotten all the clothes put away.

 

I sit down on the bed, for some reason deciding to sit on Dean’s side, and pick up the envelope. It feels heavy so I open it almost dreading what I think it is. I tip the envelope over and a key to Lucifer and Chuck’s house falls out. I almost choke on a sob.

 

I pull out the letter, breathing in a deep breath. I open the letter that is folded in threes and begin to read.

_Dear, Cas_

_I know you’re angry because I won’t marry you and I’m sorry for that. I just want you to know that I may never be ready to marry you. Marriage, to me, means being tied down more than you are when you’re just dating someone. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. When you left I started thinking, maybe we’re just fooling ourselves that we are meant to be? Maybe we’re just telling ourselves that we should be together when we shouldn’t because we love each other too much? We want two different things and I can’t give you what you want. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should be together. Please don’t cry Cas, and get depressed and begin cutting yourself again just because I’m gone. Move on and find someone who will marry you and make you happy. I just want you happy Cas, because I love you more than anything. Take care of yourself Cas, and maybe I’ll see you around. I love you, goodbye Castiel._

_Love, Dean._

 

My heart is shattered and feels like it fell through the Earth to the other side. _If you love me so much then why did you leave?_ I think as I refuse to let tears fall. I'm still sitting on the edge of the bed, staring off onto space, when there’s a knock on the door. I don’t say anything so Lucifer just walks in. “Hey supper’s ready.” He scrunches his brow when I don’t look or speak to him. “What’s wrong?”

 

I hand him the letter. “Dean also gave back the key.” I hand him the key also.

 

As Lucifer is reading the handwritten letter I feel my chest tighten. _Don’t you cry damn it!_ I yell to myself in my head. “Oh.” Lucifer set the letter on the nightstand. “You okay?”

 

“I’m fine.” I put on one of my fake smiles that I haven’t done in years. “Like I said, Dean is a grown man; he can do whatever the hell he wants.” I get up and walk out of the room. I make my way downstairs and Lucifer follows as I sit at the table. “Frozen pizza.”

 

“I figured something simple tonight.” Lucifer declares. I just nod and take a slice.

 

We mostly eat in silence and I’m thankful Lucifer doesn’t keep asking me if I’m okay. Once we’re done I do the dishes, it’s the least I can do, and immediately go to bed.

 

…

 

It’s been a week and half since Dean left. I’m miserable, beating myself up inside everyday so Lucifer can’t chew me up about telling myself how worthless and stupid I am. Today is no different.

 

I lie in bed, the clock claiming its two in the morning but it doesn’t seem it, not when you haven’t gotten enough sleep in ages. Dean’s side of the bed, each night, seems empty and cold, but I refuse to lie on that side. I don’t know why but I think it’s because of a small hope that Dean will walk through that door and climb into his own side.

 

I haven’t cried yet, I keep refusing too, and if I feel the beginnings of tears I quickly blink them away. Tonight however seems to be different. I’m thinking about the part of the letter that told me not to cry and to move on. I can already feel the tears swelling in my eyes. I lie, staring at Dean’s side of the bed, caught up in my thoughts. _You idiot, how am I not supposed to cry?_ I think as a tear escapes my eye and rolls down across the bridge of my nose. _I’m sorry Dean, I’m so sorry._ It’s now turned into a full blown crying session, you know the ones where you breathe hard, hiccup, and just can’t stop all together.

 

I try to be quiet, knowing that Lucifer and Chuck are in the other room sleeping but it doesn’t seem to turn out that way. The next thing I know Lucifer is opening my door and walking in. I try to stop my bawling but seeing him only makes it worse and come harder.

 

The older man walks over to my side of the bed, pushes me over slightly, and lifts the comforter, climbing in beside me and pushing his chest to my back. I’m glad he doesn’t get in on Dean’s side. Lucifer wraps his arms around my abdomen and pulls me closer. He’s warm and soothing as I hear him sigh. I continue to cry until its three in the morning. Lucifer is still awake with me even though I know he has to get up in less than three hours to get ready for work.

 

I’m still hiccupping even though the sobs and rivers of tears have stopped. My face and eyes feel all puffed. Lucifer kisses my ear. “Close your eyes and get some sleep Angel, I’ll let your professors know you won’t be coming in today for classes.”

 

“Will you stay? I know you have to *hiccup* go to work but can you? *hiccup* At least until I fall asleep?” I ask him.

 

“Of course.” He kisses my ear again and I close my eyes, relaxing in Lucifer’s warmth and love. “Sleep tight my little cherub.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: I want to say this just in case but there is drug abuse in this. I don’t condone abusing drugs or anything of that type at all.

**Chapter 5:**

 

It’s almost been two months since Dean has left. I’ve been trying to hide how miserable I am from Lucifer and the all knowing Chuck but it’s not easy. Most of the time Lucifer notices and when he doesn’t Chuck points it out for him. I suppose it’s not that surprising that they can tell, after all they’ve been around my fake smiles and laughs almost as long as Dean has been.

 

“Angel you want to pour me a cup, please.” Lucifer says as he walks into the kitchen, dressed in a suit jacket and dress pants.

 

“You trying to find information to defend the good guy or the bad guy today?” I ask as I grab another mug from the cabinet and pour the coffee into it.

 

Lucifer takes it and starts adding sugar and cream. “Unfortunately the bad guy. The dude doesn’t even deserve to be free.”

 

I sip at my coffee. “What he do?” I know Lucifer isn’t supposed to tell anyone but he knows he can trust me to keep my mouth shut, and anyways, who am I going to tell?

 

“The idiot raped and killed his wife.” I look down, continuing to sip. “I hate having to find things that make these people innocent. I like it better when I’m assigned the good people.”

 

“You have to do what the lawyer tells you to do though.” I point out, looking back up.

 

“Well, yeah, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.” He rants.

 

I smile. “At least you’re not the one who has to get up there and defend him; you just have to find the information.” I set my mug down and walk up to him. I grab his tie and start tying it for him. “You eventually want to go back to school and become a full blown lawyer right?”

 

He sighs. “Yeah.”

 

“So you better get used to it now.” I say as I finish with the tie. I scrunch my eyebrows up at the crooked thing.

 

Lucifer smiles at me and straightens the tie. “Yeah I know.” He grabs his coffee, takes a few more sips then places it in the sink. He makes his way to the door. “You have a free period today right? The professor is sick or something?” I nod. “Get some sleep.” Then he leaves.

 

I yawn as soon as he leaves the house. I finish my coffee then make my way to the bathroom. I turn on the shower to practically scalding hot and step in, wincing slightly at the temperature. I lean against the wall and let the water spray on my head and I close my eyes. I relish in the feeling of extremely hot water pounding on my skin.

 

Once clean I step out and look at myself in the mirror. I don’t even recognize the person starring back. I haven’t been getting much sleep, maybe two to three hours worth and now I have dark bags under my eyes. No wonder why I can’t hide it.

 

I pull out my antidepressants and look at the bottle. It says to not take more than two unless directed by your doctor. I was told to only take one but now I’m curious. I quickly get dress then go back to the pill bottle.

 

I pop two into my mouth and swallow them dry, one of them sticking in my throat. I pour six more into my palm and walk to the kitchen. I get myself a glass of water and take the rest of the pills. It takes twenty-five minutes for all the pills to take effect.

 

I’m light headed and I find the smallest things funny. Something will drop, I’ll laugh, someone will say something stupid on the television and I’ll laugh. I feel like I’m light and the pain has disappeared. I play a board game with myself and I start to wonder what it would be like with pot or some other kind of drug, like pain killers. I laugh at the thought.

 

It’s like this for the whole day and I’m not completely down from the high when Lucifer comes home with Chuck following soon after. I stay in my room so they won’t be able to see me like this. I lay a whole bunch of pillows on the floor in the middle of the room. I sit in amongst them, muttering to myself, and butt naked. It feels so good that I don’t ever want it to stop.

 

I stay up the whole night, gradually coming down and starting to feel the side effects. A massive headache forms and I walk down stairs slowly, trying to make as little sound as possible. My eyes are sensitive to the light so I avoid windows, too.

 

When I enter the kitchen Lucifer is already there with Chuck, eating bacon and drinking coffee. I pour myself a mug of coffee as well and sit with them. I’m exhausted but I try not to make it show.

 

“So the… um… publisher said that the new m-manuscript should be a… um… success.” Chuck says in a low voice and glancing at me with caution written on his face.

 

Lucifer seems to pick up on this. “You okay Angel?”

 

I look up, which I should have known was a big mistake but my head is pounding and the sound of blood pumping is in my ears. “I’m fine.”

 

“You look exhausted. How much sleep have you been getting?” He asks.

 

I sigh in annoyance and look up at the ceiling. “Enough.”

 

“Tell me the truth.” Lucifer says in a stern voice.

 

I avoid eye contact. “Two or three hours. Last night I didn’t get any.” They don’t need to know why I didn’t sleep last night so I leave that out.

 

I hear Lucifer sigh. “Um… I’m g-g-going to go to the s-store.” Chuck gets up and leaves.

 

I get up too and pour the rest of my coffee down the sink, feeling sick to my stomach all of a sudden. I listen as the chair Lucifer is sitting in scraps against the tile floor; I listen to the clash of plates and then the footsteps as the older man approaches me from behind. He reaches around me, because I’m still standing in front of the sink, and places the plates in it. He turns me around and cups my cheeks but I still refuse to look him in the eyes. “Look at me.” I don’t. “Angel look at me now.” He orders in a more demanding tone.

 

I look him in the eyes and he scrutinizes over me. I really hope my eyes aren’t dilated anymore. “What?” I ask when Lucifer scrunches his brow.

 

“How come you haven’t been sleeping much?” He asks.

 

“Um…” I begin. I decide to tell him the truth. “Nightmares.”

 

“Nightmares?” He’s confused.

 

“I’ve always have had nightmares of that time with John out in the woods but Dean… he was always beside me to comfort me or if he didn’t wake up when I had one he was still present and that comforted me. Now…” I pause and look away again. “now he’s not and the dreams come more and more.”

 

Lucifer nods and releases my cheeks. “Have you tried calling him?”

 

I turn back to the sink and begin washing the dishes for something to do. “Of course I have but he doesn’t answer.” I hear my voice crack but I burry the emotion fighting to surface.

 

“Did you leave a message?” I nod. “What did you say?”

 

I take a deep breath and focus on washing. “I said that I’m sorry, that I didn’t mean to give off the impression that I wanted to break up, that I want to talk to him, want him to come home… and that…” Lucifer picks up a dish rag and begins drying. “that… I love him.” I take another deep breath to control the emotions that are bubbling to the surface.

 

“How often did you do that?” He asks.

 

I glance up at him then back down at the plate that I just notice I’ve been scrubbing for a good minute and a half now. I rinse the plate and hand it to Lucifer. “Um… about two days in every week since… you told me too.”

 

Lucifer nods. “That’s a long time.” I finish on my last plate and hand it over. “Give it a little more time Angel, okay?” He kisses the top of my head once he’s done drying. “I got to get to work. You going to be okay?” I nod. “Okay, make sure you get to class this time.” I give him a confused scrunch of my eyebrows and a head tilt. “Yeah I know you skipped class yesterday.” He then smiles and leaves with a quick, “See you later my little cherub.”

 

I finish getting ready for school but before I can get out the door the phone rings. I run to the cordless phone as to not miss the call and look at the caller ID. It reads ‘Dean’. I pick it up quickly and go to my room. “Hello?”

 

“Hey Cas.” Dean says on the other line. “It’s good to hear your voice.”

 

“Yeah it’s good to hear yours too.” I sigh quietly in relief.

 

I hear Dean take a deep breath. “I’m actually calling just to make sure you’re alive really. I wanted to make sure me leaving didn’t cause you to…” He trails off.

 

“It’s a little late isn’t it?” I ask.

 

“Yeah I guess so but I just… I wasn’t ready to…” He trails off again.

 

“I understand.” I say even though I really don’t.

 

“So um…” He begins. “Have you moved on?”

 

I hesitate in saying no. If I tell him that I did, will he get jealous? “Actually I have.”

 

There’s a pause. “W-what’s his name?”

 

I quickly come up with one. “Charles.” I shrug to myself. “Have you moved on?”

 

“Yeah.” He says simply.

 

I bite my bottom lip. _It’s a lie right? He’s just doing what I’m doing, right?_ “Is it a guy or girl?”

 

“Girl.” He says.

 

“Really, didn’t expect that.” I comment.

 

I hear the half smile when he speaks. “Yeah, well, you’re the only guy I’ve ever been attracted to.”

 

Just hearing that makes me want to tell him the truth. “Actually Dean, I lied about moving on. There is no Charles, there’s no other guy. I haven’t been with another guy at all.”

 

There’s a long pause. “Oh.” I hear Dean say and for some reason the way he says it makes my heart rate speed up. “Well, I wasn’t… lying.” I don’t say anything. I can’t, the lump in my throat is too big. “Cas?”

 

I try to swallow the lump down but it doesn’t work. “Yeah I’m here.”

 

“You okay?” _What kind of question is that?_

 

“What’s her name?” I ask even though I really don’t want to know.

 

Dean hesitates. “S-Sandra.”

 

I take a deep breath but this time it doesn’t stop the tears. “That’s nice.” My voice cracks.

 

“Cas please don’t cry.” I hear Dean say but I don’t pay attention to it. It’s too late anyways; water is already streaming down my cheeks.

 

“Didn’t you get my messages?” I’m trying to hide the fact that I’m crying but it’s hard when your voice is affected by it.

 

“Yeah.” He says quietly.

 

Hearing that just makes it that much worse. “So why didn’t you call?”

 

“Because I don’t want to get back together with you Cas.” He says. I know he didn’t mean for it to sound harsh but makes the pain worse.

 

“Are you still in town?” I ask.

 

He doesn’t say anything at first. “Yeah.” He huffs.” I didn’t want to leave Cas, remember?”

 

“Yeah.” I answer.

 

“Come on man, don’t cry.” Dean says. “It’s going to be okay, it’s not it’s the end of the world.”

_But it is for me._ “But I love you.”

 

Dean sighs. “Cas I love you too but like I said, just because you love someone more than anything doesn’t mean you belong together.” He pauses. “Cas I can’t give you what you want.”

 

“We don’t even have to marry Dean, we can just stay dating, okay, I-I-I won’t bother you about it anymore.” I say out of desperation.

 

“No Cas, just no.” I squeeze my eyes shut and try to suppress a whimper but it doesn’t work out too well.

 

“Cas please-” He’s cut off by a women’s voice in the background.

 

My eyes shoot open. “Dean, who are you talking to?”

 

“No one.” Dean calls back. “The phone rang when you were in the shower but it was a wrong number.”

 

“Okay.” The women yells from wherever she is.

 

“Cas please move on.” He says more quietly. “And stop calling me.” He then hangs up and all I hear is the dial tone.

 

I slowly press end on the phone and drop it and my hand to my lap. I stare off into space for a long time but then I get up and put the phone back on the receiver. I’m already late for my class so I go back to my room and curl up in the fetal position on my bed. I feel numb and the tears have stopped flowing.

 

I don’t have the energy to get up, cry, or even stay awake. I fall asleep but I keep waking up every time from nightmares. When Lucifer and Chuck come home I’m down in the living room, sitting on the couch, watching TV as if nothing happened. “Hey Angel, how was your day?”

 

“Fine.” I say, starring at the TV screen although I have no idea what’s going on in the program.

 

“How was school?” Chuck asks me.

 

“Like usual.” I lie. “Didn’t really learn anything new today.”

 

I see Lucifer glance to Chuck from the corner of my eye. “Do you want me to sleep with you tonight? May help with the nightmares.”

 

I look over at him and smile a smile as genuine as possible. “No, I’m fine thanks.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

 

The next day after Dean’s call I skip class again in favor of getting high off my antidepressants. I decide next time I’ll see how it feels with my anti-anxiety pills but I know I can’t continue to abuse them. Not because it’s wrong but if I run out too soon then Lucifer will get suspicious and I don’t want that. I don’t want to see the disappointed look in his eyes but I can’t stop, I’m not quite addicted yet but I love the feeling of freedom and lightness that it gives me, the way it makes the pain disappear.

 

“Angel get up already, I’ve been calling you for five minutes!” I hear Lucifer call from the bottom of the stairs. I groan from the migraine that I have as an after effect of the high. Then I hear footsteps walking up the stairs. I cover my head in the blanket even though it’s eighty degrees outside. The door swings open and Lucifer’s hand falls on my shoulder. At first I think he’s going to shake me hard but he nudges me gently. “Hey Angel, time to get up.”

 

“I don’t feel good.” I say though it’s muffled from the blanket.

 

Lucifer sighs and I feel the bed dip as he sits down on the edge by my legs. “Well if you took the blanket off then maybe you would feel better.” I shake my head. Lucifer starts playing with the toughs of hair that are sticking out from my cocoon. “You not feeling well why you’ve been skipping classes for the last three days?” I don’t mean too but I stiffen under the layer of blanket.”Yep I know. One of your professors called here yesterday and asked if you were okay.”

 

“I don’t have classes today anyways.” I finally speak.

 

“Well at least I know you can speak.” Lucifer teases. “I know you don’t, that’s why I took the day off so we could hangout, talk.”

 

“I don’t want to.” I know it’s harsh and Lucifer’s hand halts in my hair but I don’t know what to say.

 

“Okay,” Lucifer falters. “Uh… but I took the day off just for you.”

 

“So?” This time his hand is removed from my head.

 

“I’m worried about you Angel.” He says.

 

“Well don’t be.” I know I’m just trying to get rid of him in the harshest way possible.

 

I should have known it wouldn’t work. “Why don’t you feel good?”

 

I sigh. “Headache.”

 

“Did you take anything for it?” He asks. I shake my head no. I feel him get up. Lucifer comes back a few minutes later and pulls the blanket off me. I groan in discomfort but Lucifer ignores it and forces me to sit up. “Take these.” He hands me two aspirins and a glass of water.

 

I take them and swallow them down silently wishing I could have more. “Thanks.”

 

Lucifer resumes his patting. “Get some sleep little cherub.” He then walks away.

 

I stay in bed for most of the day, only getting up to go to the bathroom and eat supper. Once we’re done eating I start washing dishes with Chuck drying. “Castiel are you okay?” Chuck asks me.

 

“I’m fine.” I answer.

 

“Your headache gone?” I hear Lucifer ask. I shake my head. Lucifer walks over and takes the bowl I wash scrubbing. “Go lie down, take something for it again.”

 

I nod slightly and grab a cup to fill with water. Once it’s full I go to the bathroom and take two aspirins and swallow both down at the same time. I then go back to my room and lie down.

 

By the time morning rolls around, my head feels fine and I no longer can hear the blood pumping in my ears. Lucifer should already be at work so all I have to do is check to make sure Chuck is gone. He is, probably with the publisher. They want to make a series out of Chuck’s Supernatural books. As far as I’ve seen the actors they’re trying to get for Deanna and Samantha are nice looking and the guy they want to play Castiel the angel isn’t bad looking either.

 

I walk into the bathroom and grab my anti-anxiety pills. I grab enough to get high off of but before I can take them the phone rings. I go to the phone slowly, not really wanting to talk to anyone. The caller ID says ‘Dean’, however, so how can I not answer?

 

“Hello?” I say quietly, immediately wishing I let it go to voicemail.

 

“Uh… hi Cas.” Dean says.

 

I look down at my feet. “I thought you didn’t want to talk to me anymore?”

 

“Yeah well… I wanted to talk… in person to…” He pauses for a long time. “To… um… set things straight, maybe work something out. I don’t like how we last talked.”

 

I look to the pills in my hand and swallow noisily. “I don’t know Dean.” I’m debating whether to say yes and abandon my plan of getting higher than the clouds or say no and… well get higher than the clouds.

 

“Please Cas. I know you don’t have classes today.” He confirms.

 

I shut my eyes and think. I then sigh. “Fine Dean, when?” I say quietly and without emotion.

 

He hesitates. “Today, lunch around noon, the diner down the street from Lucifer’s?”

 

I nod. “Okay.” I then hang up on him. In the end I take four of my anti-anxiety pills hoping to get at least a little high. I then begin getting ready for lunch. When the clock hits 11:45 I begin walking down the street. The diner is so close that it’s not even worth wasting gas and driving there. I arrive at 11:55 and notice Dean isn’t there yet. I choose a seat that is empty by the window in the back.

 

I wait there for ten minutes and Dean is late before the bell on the door jingles. I don’t look up, not wanting to get my hopes up and have them torn down because Dean just wanted to play a sick practical joke on me and not show up at all.

 

From the corner of my eye someone comes up to the table. I know it’s not the waiter because I already told him that I am waiting for someone, so I go to look up. Before I can get my whole head up, however, the person clears their throat. I lift my head up the rest of the way so fast that I almost get whiplash.

 

There stands Dean, handsome as ever. I start to smile until my eyes flick to the women standing behind him. My smile starts to disappear and it turns into a frown. “Hey Cas.”

 

I snap my eyes back to him fighting the lump that is forming in my throat. “You brought her?”

 

“She was looking at photos on my cell phone and saw some pictures of you, saw how great friends we were.” Dean forces an uncomfortable smile. “She wanted to meet you.”

 

She steps around Dean and holds her hand out. “Nice to meet you Castiel, I’m Sandra.”

 

I open my mouth to say something but I quickly close it afraid a whimper would come out instead of words. Instead I settle on forcing my lips to turn up in a smile. I nod at her.

 

The both of them sit down opposite me. “So, Dean has told me that you two have been friends since… um… preschool?”

 

I nod again. “Yep.” I say so low that it’s almost hard to hear.

 

“That’s a long time.” She compliments. “It’s really nice seeing two people staying friends for so long.”

 

My bottom lip is quivering and I will my voice to not crack. “Yeah it is.” I don’t look at her; instead I shoot Dean an accusing glare. “It’s great.”

 

“If you wouldn’t mind I need to use the restroom.” Sandra announces then gets up.

 

I’m still glaring at Dean. “Why are your eyes slightly dilated?” He asks.

 

I hadn’t noticed that I am high so my pupils mustn’t be that big. “What the hell Dean. You brought her?” I ask instead of answering his question.

 

He looks down at the table. “I thought if I told you the truth then you wouldn’t have come.”

 

“Yeah I wouldn’t have.” I say trying to control my emotions. “I thought this was… I don’t even know what I thought it was but whatever it was I was wrong.”

 

Dean shrugs. “I never said that this was to try and work things out so we could get back together. Sandra asking to meet you gave the perfect opportunity to show you that I have moved on and that you should too.”

 

I feel like throwing up. I stare at Dean not knowing what to say and a tear slips out of my left eye right as Sandra comes back. I wipe it away quickly hoping she didn’t see it but her face reads concerned. “I have to go.” I scoot out of the red and white striped booth.

 

“Is everything alright?” Sandra asks.

 

I turn to her and try to keep everything under control as best I can. I nod. “Every things fine, it was nice meeting you.” I lie.

 

“Cas wait.” I hear Dean call as I rush out of the diner.

 

As soon as I’m walking down the street the dam breaks and the flood spills over. I get back inside Lucifer’s place and slam the door behind me. I walk straight to the bathroom and take more anti-anxiety pills, just enough to make the high complete. I look in the mirror and try to control my breathing, finally stopping my crying. I wipe my face off with my hands and splash ice cold water against it. I then wipe off the water with the towel, finally feeling light headed from the pills. I smile as the hurt dwindles and disappears.

 

I leave the house again. I know better than to drive so by the time I reach my location it’s already night time. I enter the bar and sit at the front. I order a beer and a few shots. I’m drowning my sorrows in alcohol and drugs and honestly, I couldn’t care less.

 

After my third beer and I don’t know what number shot a guy comes up to me. “Drinking alone?”

 

I turn to him. The guy is taller than me with black short hair, and brown eyes. He seems to be around my age. “Maybe.” I say, slurring a little.

 

“Names Noah and yours?” He asks with a polite smile as he sits down on the stool next to me.

 

“Castiel.” The guy raises an eyebrow at my name but doesn’t say anything about it.

 

“Well Castiel, I can tell when someone is high and you my friend is definitely high off something.” He says.

 

“You want to help me get even higher?” I ask with a seductive smile.

 

The guy gives me his own seductive smirk. “What did you have in mind?”

 

That’s how I find myself tumbling into a motel room with this guy named Noah, lips locked together in a wet, sloppy, tongue filled kissing session. We both tumble to the bed, shirts somewhere on the floor and hands reaching for the zippers on our jeans.

 

He gets mine undone first and pulls my pants and boxers down in one go. I then get his own pants down and we both go back to kissing, grinding our hard dicks together roughly. “I’m top.” I pant out quickly as I flip him over.

 

“Fine with me” Noah mentions in between breaths.

 

“Lick.” He begins licking and sucking my fingers. Once they’re thoroughly slick I pull them out of his mouth. “You have a condom right?”

 

He gives me a half smile. “In my right pocket.”

 

I shove one finger in him causing the man to cry out in pain and pleasure. After three fingers later I pull out and reach for his jeans that are rumpled on the floor. “Get on your hands and knees.”

 

Noah growls in pleasure and I rip open the condom with my teeth. I slip it on and stroke myself to get ready. I then line myself up and push gently in, not wanting to hurt the guy too bad in my drunken slash high stupor. Once I think he is ready I begin to move in him and speed up when he directs.

 

The room his filled with moans, groans, screams… _oohs and ahs?_ I think sarcastically and I begin to laugh. “What… the… hell… is… so… funny?” Noah asks as I continue to pound into him.

 

“Oh nothing.” I whisper in his ear. I give one last hard thrust and Noah climaxes. It takes a little longer for me to finally climax myself but I do before he is officially down from his own _high_.

 

I pull out of him, both of us breathless, and throw the condom away. “That… was fantastic.” Noah says.

 

I look over at him to see him getting dressed. I don’t say anything and just watch as he gives me a blissed out smile and leaves with a quick, “Bye.”

 

I’m left sitting on the end of the bed, feeling light, tired, blissed, and… lonely. I get dressed and make my way back home. By the time I get there the drugs are finally starting to wear off and the drunkenness is starting to lessen slightly as well. When I go into the kitchen to grab some water I notice a note from Lucifer telling me there is supper in the refrigerator. I ignore it and head to bed, falling asleep immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:**

 

Three weeks go by without seeing Dean. All those weeks I had one question running through my mind at full speed like a train. W _hy does Dean still have pictures of me?_ At the moment I’m at a bar high off some kind of pain killer, I don’t really remember right now, drinking my second beer. It’s not enough to get me drunk but I’m high so it’s okay.

 

Lucifer has been getting really worried about me, though he still doesn’t know about me getting high every day. He just knows about the going out to bars every night. I’m either getting high, drunk, or both. I’ve had random sex with two other guys since Noah.

 

“Hey, can I get a brandy?” The guy next to me asks the bartender. The guy behind the bar works on his drink then hands it to him. The guy beside me is short, black hair, and fair skinned. He sips at his drink, savoring the taste. We both sit there, drinking our sorrows away, when the guy turns to me. “Hey, my name is Elijah, what’s yours?”

 

“Castiel.” I tell him.

 

He smiles. “Isn’t that an angel name?”

 

I nod. “Yours is Biblical too.”

 

“So why you drinking here alone?” He asks.

 

I hesitate in answering. “Why are you?” I ask instead of answering.

 

He looks down at his drink. “Yeah sorry it’s not really my place to ask, sorry.” He looks up at me with puppy dog eyes that are close to Sam’s. “I think being ‘laid off’ from your job is a good enough reason to drink.”

 

I look away and take a sip of my own alcoholic drink. “Oh, sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, I hated that job anyway. It’s just now I’ve got to figure out how to pay the bills.” He says. “So you going to tell me, it’s only fair.”

 

I look to him again and contemplate telling him. I look back down at my drink that is now half gone. “My boyfriend broke up with me.” I don’t know if it’s the drugs or if I’ve really just have had enough but I keep going. “And the worst part is that he moved on only two months later…”

 

“Ooh that must sting.” He comments.

 

“…With a female.” I add.

 

Elijah’s eyebrows shoot up. “Adding salt to the wound, sorry man.” He pauses. “I know how it feels; I haven’t had a boyfriend in a year.”

 

“Really?” I ask for confirmation. I look at him.

 

Elijah smiles and nods. He then says, “I wish your pupils weren’t so dilated, I would love to see more of that blue.” I don’t say anything and instead avert my eyes briefly before having my eyes fall on his again. “So, you’re already high off something yet you’ve come here to get drunk.”

 

“Not exactly.” I say.

 

He nods slightly. “Right.” He pauses. “What you take?”

 

“I… uh… don’t really remember.” I answer. “Some kind of pain killer.” I smile and chuckle. “It really does make you feel good.”

 

“You drive here?” Elijah asks me. I shake my head. “Good, I don’t really think you should be driving. You have family around here?”

 

“Sort of.” I mention with a wide grin.

 

“Who?” He pries.

 

I rub my eyes to clear my head but it doesn’t help much. “Um… my brother… he’s not biological though. My biological brother died a long time ago.”

 

“Sorry.” Elijah tears his eyes from mine and looks down. That’s when his eyes catch my bear arms. He hesitates but then looks at me again. “Want to give me his number so I can call him and have him pick you up.”

 

“No.” I protest quickly. “I mean… he doesn’t know about me getting high.” Elijah nods. “Those are old scars you know.” I say before he can ask more about the little high trip I’m taking.

 

“I didn’t think they were. They’re too healed over to be fresh, new.” He says. He then looks down at his watch. “You going to be okay to get home by yourself?” I nod. “You sure?” I nod again. He pulls out a piece of paper and a pen. He jots down something then hands it to me. “Call me sometime.” He gets up and walks away with a smile.

 

I look down at the paper and read off the seven digit number. I pocket it, pay for my drink, then leave the bar. I walk home slowly, willing my high to go away but it doesn’t work much. I walk through the front door and straight to my bedroom. I then strip out of my clothes, including my underwear, and hop into my side of the bed.

 

I fall asleep but it’s not long. I wake up with a start, shaking, sweaty as a pig, and John’s face in my vision. I feel like crying but I don’t, biting my lip to prevent any tears. I get up, get dressed and go to the bathroom, splashing water on my face. I look outside and notice it’s light out so I go to the kitchen to check the time. It’s 9:00 on a Saturday so Lucifer doesn’t have to go into work.

 

I make myself a bowl of cereal and eat it at the island in the middle of the kitchen, sitting in one of the bar stools there. Around 9:30 Lucifer comes out and says good morning to me. “You know Angel, there comes a time when people have to pay for things themselves-”

 

I cut him off. “Yeah, yeah, the bar, the drinking, I’m going to have to pay for it, blah, blah, blah.”

 

Lucifer looks at me confused. “What’s gotten into you lately?”

 

“I’m not planning on going to the bar anymore anyways, so don’t worry.” _I’m perfectly fine with getting high._ I add as an afterthought. I get up and walk away, gently placing my bowl in the sink. I can feel Lucifer’s concerned look on the back of my neck.

 

I go back to my room and lie down for most of the morning, trying to catch a few hours more of sleep but eventually my head hurts so much that I have to do something about it. I go to the kitchen to get a glass of water and notice a note from Lucifer. It says, ‘gone to the grocery store to pick up some groceries… no bars! Love Lucifer.’ I look at it emotionless.

 

After taking the right amount of pain killers to get high I leave the house, feeling like taking a walk. I walk aimlessly, stopping in a few stores here and there when I realize I’m not high enough to scare people off.

 

It’s almost 2:00 when I run into an old ‘friend’, almost literally but luckily it’s just an arm bump. Unfortunately for the other guy it’s not that simple. “Hey watch where the hell you’re going!”

 

I turn around, I know I should have kept walking but I’m high so whatever, and notice a taller blond haired man, towering over me. “Excuse me?” I ask in confusion.

 

The guy’s eyes narrow and wrinkle at the edges. “Castiel?” He asks with a mocking look and a chuckle.

 

I take a closer look at him. _Oh, it’s_ _Arlin Gollin, from junior year._ “Yeah I remember you, long time no see.”

 

He gives me a half smile. “Actually I’ve seen you at a distance but haven’t been close enough to say hi.” Arlin says.

 

“Oh.” I say simply.

 

“So how are you?” He asks me and for a second I think he’s changed from the big bully that I know him as to a decent guy.

 

“Fine I guess, you?” I ask.

 

I’m wrong about that whole changing thing. “I’m fine but I don’t think you’re fine. I’ve seen you at that bar, leaving with a bunch of guys,” _Only three._ “to go do God knows what with them.” I just stand there and nod. “You’re a little slut, you know that?”

 

It hurts and I conclude that I’m not high enough, it shouldn’t be hurting. “Yeah, yeah actually I do but you know what?” I ask instead of showing how much he’s hurt me. “I’m not just a slut but I’m a whore so that’ll be $20.00 to have sex with me.”

 

He pushes me and I fall to the ground, scraping my hands up. “Get away from me you freak! You should just go crawl in a hole and die… better yet go fuck some guy with some kind of STD and die.” He then walks away without another word.

 

Everybody is staring at me but they’re too afraid to help me. _Stupid cowards, believe what some stranger yelled out into public._ I really did feel like crying but again I held it in.

 

I walk slowly home, palms bleeding. Once there I go straight to the bathroom, clean my hands and wrap them then take a few more pills to get rid of the ache in my chest. I then do the stupidest thing in the history of stupid things. I grab the phone book and look up Dean’s address. It turns out he’s living in an apartment on the third floor.

 

I walk there, again not willing to take the chance and drive. I knock on the door and when Dean answers I have no clue what the hell to say or even why I’m there. Dean just stares at me then steps aside, allowing me to go in. I hesitate before giving in and entering the apartment.

 

It’s not that bad in size. The kitchen and living room share a room and there is two more doors off to the side. “Cas what are you doing here?”

 

“Where’s Sandra?” I ask instead of answering.

 

“At her place probably, she doesn’t live here Cas.” He says.

 

I sigh and continue to wander around the room, wobbling the slightest bit. “I’m surprised you’re even still with her.”

 

I hear him shut the door and step into the room more. “It’s only been a month and a few weeks. What are you doing here Cas?” He tries again.

 

“This is a nice place.” I say.

 

“Cas.” Dean says sternly. I can tell he’s getting agitated but I really don’t care.

 

“How long you’ve been living here?” I ask.

 

“Cas would you answer my damn question!” Dean says, grabbing my wrist tightly and turning me around to face him.

 

His grip hurts. “I j-just wanted to stop… by.” I say, wide eyed at Dean’s aggressiveness.

 

He gets that confused look that I love so much on his face. “Are you drunk?” He asks then mumbles, “No you’re acting too sober to be drunk…” He looks at me closely. “Are… are you high?”

 

I seem to shrink in his gaze. “Generally.” I don’t know why I admit it.

 

He lets go of my wrist, it being all red now, and rubs his face. “What the hell Cas!”

 

“Oh don’t preach me Dean.” I say and can finally feel those other pills starting to take effect. I step up close to him and brush our lips together.

 

He looks more confused than ever. “Cas what are you-”

 

I put my finger up to his lips stopping him in his sentence. I feel like messing with him. I smirk and lean into his ear. “I want to fuck you and I know you want to fuck me.” I cup him through his jeans.

 

He pushes me and I stumble into the side of the couch, laughing. “Get the hell off me!”

 

I regain my stance but this time I stay away from him. I fan my arms out as if I was going to fly. “Come on Dean!” I yell. Wow I’m really high. “Isn’t that what you do? Fuck anything that moves!”

 

I can see that I hit a nerve. Dean can’t hide things from me. “You are so high.”

 

“Why don’t you fuck me!” I’m getting more aggressive. “Or I’ll sweeten the pot for you, Dean. How about you call your little slut over here and we can have a threesome!” I ignore his warning to shut up. “At least then she’ll know what a faggot whore you are!”

 

Dean’s had enough and pushes me, gripping my shoulder, against the couch. “I said shut the hell up!”

 

Our faces are close and our breathing is hard. “Fuck me dry Dean.” Something flashes in the younger man’s eyes and once again he grabs my wrist and starts to drag me towards one of the doors in the room. I begin to panic, though I blame it on the pills I took. “Dean,” I try to pull away. “Let go of me.” I say, barely a whisper. “Dean, let go.” I say louder but he still doesn’t remove his hand from my wrist.

 

He drags me into his bedroom. _So this is what’s behind door number one._ Dean shoves me onto the bed. “You want me to fuck you Cas? Fine.” I take in a harsh breath, not knowing what to do. I feel sick.

 

Dean starts undressing and I look around the room. I didn’t think he would actually do it, but I know it’s just because he’s angry. If it wasn’t because of that then I would have no problem having sex with him, but that’s all it is with him, sex. “Dean please…” I almost sob. “Stop.” He’s fully undressed and climbs on top of me, pressing our lips together.

 

As he kisses me he begins to undress me and I feel a tear slide down the side of my face. Dean gets my shirt off and presses his lips to my ear. “You wanted this… so it’s not rape is it.”

 

It’s not a question and I know it but I still feel as if I should answer. “But…” I can’t finish what I’m about to say. I feel extremely light headed as Dean pulls my jeans and boxers down. I zone everything out, feeling light and hot. I hardly pay attention to what Dean is doing until we’re almost done and I finally hear the noises I’m making, that _Dean_ is making.

 

I know he still loves me. I can tell by the way he still tries to be gentle with me when having sex, the way he kisses my forehead and then my lips after having sex, and the way he wraps me up in his arms after, whispering things that my mind can’t comprehend because I’m so out of it.

 

The only thing my mind does register before passing out is Dean whispering in my ear. “So beautiful, always so beautiful.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I want to point something out. I was thinking earlier about how it didn’t take our two boys long to break off their relationship. So then I came up with the conclusion that they’ve had four years to do things that caused tension between the two. Problem is we don’t know what those things are. Since the four years is a blank space to us I decided to have Castiel mention what caused all the tension between them and the reason why Castiel was pushing the marriage so hard and why it didn’t take long for them to split. To find out (though it’s kind of obvious) pay close attention to what Castiel says to Dean somewhere in the beginning.

**Chapter 8:**

 

I wake up to two things, one, me feeling as if I’m in a furnace or oven and two, Dean saying my name, panic obvious in his tone. “Cas, come on man, wake up.”

 

I groan and try to open my eyes but I can’t, I feel too weak. I can’t even move any of my limbs let alone open my eye lids. I’m sweating heavily and I gasp in painful breaths. I groan again with the effort to move.

 

“Come on.” I feel Dean lift me up by one arm and sling it over his shoulders. He then begins to drag me somewhere but I don’t know where. I feel like I’m dying I’m so hot. Dean lowers me to the floor and bends me over something. “We have to get the drugs out of your system, Cas.” I hear Dean say before two fingers are shoved down my throat and I’m puking up my guts. Now I’m pretty sure we’re in the bathroom. My eyes start to water with the effort of emptying my stomach when all there is to throw up is booze and drugs. Dean is rubbing my back in circular motions. “There Cas, its okay, get it all out.”

 

I probably throw up five times before I rest my forehead on the rim. “I feel like I’m dying.”

 

“You probably were.” Dean says, continuing to rub my back. I’m still sweating and now I’m shivering uncontrollably. Dean helps me up and brings me back to the bed. I plop down, my head starting to pound like a maniac, and I close my eyes. The next thing I feel is Dean placing an ice pack on my forehead. “You’re burning up Cas.”

 

I chuckle, keeping my eyes shut. “I guess I took to many pills… oops.” I begin to laugh.

 

I hear Dean sigh. “It’s not funny Cas; you weren’t trying to kill yourself were you?”

 

“Nah.” I say with a smile. “I didn’t mean to take so much that it would kill me, I just wanted the pain to go away.” I chuckle again.

 

“Open your eyes.” Dean orders. “Let me see your eyes Cas.”

 

I open them slightly. Dean looks very bright. “Your bright, glowing.”

 

Dean sighs again. “Of course, you’re still high.” I laugh at what Dean says. “Get some sleep Cas.”

 

“Yes master.” I say and watch as Dean walks out the room.

 

I don’t know when I fall asleep but I do. It’s not pleasant. I’m dreaming, having a nightmare, the same nightmare I’ve been getting for days, weeks, months in a row. It’s the one where I’m running away from John, Dean’s homophobic father, but he catches up to me. I plead, _beg_ him not to do this, not to shoot me, and I’m crying down on my knees wishing it would just stop. “Cas!” I jolt awake and peer at Dean who is leaning over me, one hand on my shoulder and the other on the pillow my head is resting on. I’m breathing hard and looking up at him with wide, frightened eyes. “Hey, hey, Cas, it’s okay, it was just a dream.”

 

“Dean?” I say, still a little spooked.

 

“Hey,” He sits on the edge of the bed. “I’m right here.” He rubs my cheek soothingly.

 

“I feel like shit.” I whine.

 

“I bet you do.” Dean says sympathetically.

 

The door opens then, revealing the slut herself, Sandra. “How’s he doing?” She asks Dean.

 

“Better.” Dean answers.

 

I feel like throwing up again. “I better go.” I try to sit up but Dean pushes me back down.

 

“You’re not going anywhere.” Dean says. “Sandra just dropped by to give me something. I told her you were sick so she wanted to make sure you were okay.”

 

“Yeah, unfortunately I can’t stay long.” Sandra claims. She walks up to Dean and kisses him on the lips, _long_ , then says goodbye to the both of us.

 

“Did you know she was coming over?” I accuse.

 

“No actually I didn’t, she just came unexpected.” Dean explains. “She wanted to… well… so I had to tell her you came by earlier but got really sick.”

 

“How did you explain me being naked?” I ask not really wanting to ask the question that I really wanted ask, _would you have slept with her?_

 

“You’re not.” I look down at myself and sure enough I’m wearing the clothes I came in. “I got you dressed.”

 

“Thanks.” I whisper. We stare at each other for a long time then I say something. “Are we going to talk about what happened last night?” I ask as I try to sit up but my head hurts so much that I have to stay lying down.

 

“Talk about what?” Dean says, avoiding eye contact. “Nothing happened.”

 

“Noth… nothing happened?” I ask, anger rising up in my chest causing my head to hurt even more. “Dean, you practically raped me!”

 

“You wanted me too.” Dean says. Not really angrily but more desperate, almost sad sounding. “It wasn’t...” He trails off.

 

“I told you to stop.” I finally will myself to sit up, ignoring Dean’s tone of voice. “You dragged me to your bedroom and fucked me while I was high.”

 

“You getting high was not my choice.” Dean says.

 

I’m getting really angry now despite Dean’s sad sounding voice. I get up, stumbling a little, and get right in his face. “You didn’t need to fuck me while I’m strung up on pills.”

 

“You didn’t need to get high.” Dean challenges with a nonchalant tone.

 

“And whose fault is that?” I ask.

 

Dean hesitates but quickly regains his composure. “Your own.” His words sound weak, non-challenging.

 

They affect me either way, though. I narrow my eyes in anger. “You know why I wanted to marry you Dean?” He shrugs. “Because I wanted to make sure you were mine, all mine, and weren’t going to go screw some broad while we’re still together.”

 

Dean’s eyes glint with extreme guilt. “That was a year ago Cas.”

 

“It still matters, to me.” I mention. Dean doesn’t say anything, just continues to avoid my eyes. “Aren’t you going to say something?” Dean still doesn’t look at me and only shrugs his shoulders looking guilty and… depressed? Even so I choose to ignore those signs due to my anger. I knock the lamp off the nightstand, causing the lamp to fly to the opposite wall, shattering the light bulb. Dean flinches and I stumble away. I get to the front door out in the living room. I get to the door and hesitate. I don’t know why but I feel as if I shouldn’t leave. Maybe it’s because of my willingness to want to be with Dean or maybe it’s because Dean is being uncharacteristically quiet. I think this over but the anger I’m feeling is still over powering my rationality portion of my mind. I turn around, angry all over again. “The next time I say stop, don’t go sticking your dick in me.”

 

I falter, seeing the look on Dean’s face as he looks at the ground. _Is that a glint of a tear?_ I turn around after all, though, and begin to leave the apartment. “Cas…” I hear but I continue to walk out the door, closing the door behind me.

 

I walk aimlessly, guilt creeping up on me for leaving Dean looking like that. I end up walking to a bridge, one that goes over a river, way above it and cars zooming behind me. I look down at the river, lost in thought. I feel lonely and guilty. I pull out the piece of paper with Elijah’s number on it. I then take out my cell phone and dial his number.

 

The phone rings three times before it’s answered. “Hello?”

 

“Elijah? It’s me, Castiel.” I say. “I was just wandering if you could come meet me and possible bring some pain killers.”

 

“Oh Castiel, yeah of course, where are you?” I tell him where I am then hang up. I wait there for probably twenty minutes before someone leans their arms on the rail, standing beside me, water bottle in one hand and the other cupping something else. “You know, it’s dangerous to have your car pulled over on the side of the road on a bridge so I parked a little ways away.” Elijah hands me the water and two Excedrin. “The powerful stuff.”

 

“Thanks.” I’m looking down at the water, wondering if you fell if you would die on impact, it really is high up after all.”Thanks for coming.” I say absentmindedly.

 

“No problem.” He pauses and watches me as I take the pills and stare at the water below. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I know it was stupid but I went to go see my ex.” I look at him to see him looking at me too, listening closely. I look down again. “We… uh… had sex.”

 

He nods. “Okay.”

 

I continue. “I actually don’t remember much of it, I kind of passed out.” Elijah’s eyebrows shoot to his hair line. “Well not literally but I basically spaced the whole thing.” Elijah regains his composure and nods. “The thing that bothers me the most is that my ex, this morning, acted like it didn’t even happen. He even admitted that, and I quote, ‘nothing happened’.”

 

Elijah looks away and tilts his head up. “That’s awful.”

 

“Tell me about it.” We stand for another half hour, talking over the noise of the cars that are passing from behind. I then turn to him. “Do you think you would die on impact if you fell off this bridge?”

 

Elijah looks confused. “I… suppose… it would depend on how you landed.” He shrugs. “You’re not planning on jumping are you?”

 

“What?” I ask surprised, though I should have expected that question. “No, of course not.” I say truthfully. “I swear on my brother’s grave.”

 

“Good.” Elijah says with a reassured smile. Seeing him grin like that automatically puts a smile on my own lips and I find myself grinning back. “Hey, you want to get a beer with me?”

 

I almost say yes but I stop myself. “I think I’ve had enough of alcohol for now. I’m not even willing to get high today, I feel like crap, physically.”

 

He nods. “Okay, how about dinner then?”

 

I blush involuntarily. “O-okay.”

 

He gestures for me to follow and we both get into his car. It’s a black 2012 Ford Fusion. We drive to this restaurant and park as close to the doors as possible without parking in a handicap spot. “Dinner is on me, okay?”

 

“I can pay for my own meal if you want.” I protest.

 

“Nah.” He smiles at me. “It fine.” I smile back and we go in. It’s quite nice inside. Though not a fancy restaurant the lights are dimmed with red carpeting and stone walls anyways. We are seated at a two people booth and is handed our menus. Once the waiter comes over she offers to take our drink order. I order a coke while Elijah orders a sprite. We talk while we wait for our drinks and food order. I actually find myself laughing at a lot of Elijah’s jokes.

 

Our drinks finally come and we order our food, me having a cheese burger and Elijah having spaghetti, and not to soon after that our food comes. Over all the time we spend together there is fun and joyous. Elijah pays for our meals, me thanking him, and him driving me home. It’s already dark and past eight o’clock when Elijah pulls the car over to the side of the road and puts his car in park, shutting off the engine to not waste gas. “I had a really good time today, Castiel.” Elijah smiles.

 

I smile back to him and notice his eyes dart quickly to my mouth then back to my eyes. I see him hesitate so I decide to take the initiative. I lean forward and press our lips together, lingering there the slightest little bit. “I had fun too. See you later?” I say when I pull away.

 

Elijah looks shocked but a smile soon replaces that look of bewilderment. “Definitely.”

 

I unbuckle and open the passenger side door, stepping out. “Bye Elijah.”

 

“Bye Castiel.” I shut the door and the man still in the car starts the car up, looks to me again smiling, and finally drives off.

 

I watch his car disappear in the distance then turn and make my way to the front door of Lucifer’s house, smile plastered on my face. I dig out my house keys from my pocket and slide it into the lock.

 

“Who was that?” I turn around, startled, to see Dean standing there, swaying slightly.

 

I scrunch my eyebrows up and tilt my head in confusion. “He was just a friend.”

 

“So frnds niss each other now, do thee?” Dean slurs.

 

“Are you drunk?” I ask, the answer quite obvious.

 

Dean walks up the steps to the porch and stands close to me. “Anser my uestion.” He stumbles and I catch him. He buries his face in my shoulder. “Missed you so much.” I wobble under his weight, him being a lot heavier than me after all.

 

“Dean what are you doing here?” I ask as I struggle to hold him.

 

He then presses his face into my disheveled hair. “You smell goo.” I hear him sigh into my hair. “I’m sorry.” He moves his head to my neck. “Missed you.” Dean repeats over and over again.

 

I sigh and look up to the heavens. “Okay Dean, come on.” I drag him with me as I unlock the door and stumble inside with a drunk Dean still in my arms. “Here we go.” I drop him onto the couch but dean pulls me down with him. I yelp in distress at the sudden action but soon regain my wits. “Dean, I need to go get you a blanket.”

 

“Stay, pwease.” He mumbles into my neck.

 

“Dean, come on.” I push away from him, successful in my action. I go to the hall closet and grab a light weight, brown blanket since it’s supposed to be sixty tonight.

 

I start covering Dean up when he pulls me back down to him. “Stay, missed you.”

 

I try to push away again but his grip is tighter this time. “Dean, let me go.”

 

“Pwease, Cas.” I look at him, which isn’t easy considering I’m on my knees on the ground with my head buried in Dean’s chest. My annoyance softens after I look though because Dean is holding on with all his might, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Pwease.” He whines out.

 

I sigh in defeat. “Okay Dean, I’ll stay.” I say. I push him over and crawl in beside him. It’s a tight fit but it works for now since I decide I’ll just get up once Dean is asleep. That, however, doesn’t work out much because I fall asleep before I can even comprehend if Dean is asleep yet or not, and honestly, it’s the best sleep I’ve had in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I did Dean’s drunk talk alright. I was kind of hesitant on writing his speech like that. I’m sorry if it’s bad, I have never been drunk in my life and have never been around someone drunk before so please forgive me if it’s horrible.
> 
> Thanks for reading and all that jazz.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9:**

 

I blink my eyes open to the sun shining through the windows because the curtains aren’t shut. I shift my position, feeling cramped in the tight space, and yawn. Someone is holding my bandaged hand, interlacing their fingers with mine. I know it’s Dean holding it and it’s confirmed when he speaks. “Why are your hands bandaged?” His voice is small and quiet and his chest is flush against my back making me hot.

 

“Because I ran into an old friend from high school on the street yesterday. He pushed me to the ground and I scrapped up my hands.” I answer, though it really isn’t any of his business.

 

“They still bother you?” He asks, sounding confused. I nod, the back of my head rubbing against his chin. “I’m sorry.”

 

He sounds groggy and sad. “Go back to sleep Dean.”

 

I feel him shake his head against my hair. “The light is too bright.”

 

“I’ll shut the curtains.” I say.

 

He tightens his hold around my abdomen. “No, stay with me.”

 

I sigh. “Then you’re going to have to go back to sleep with the sun in your eyes.” He groans in displeasure and loosens his hold. I get up and tug the curtains close.

 

I refuse to lie down with him again so I make my way out of the room but Dean’s voice stops me. “Cas, where are you going?”

 

I turn around and look at him to see him staring at me. “I don’t want to go back to sleep.”

 

“Then just lie here with me.” He pleads but I don’t have any of it.

 

“No.” I walk out the room; the last thing I see is Dean’s crestfallen and confused look. I walk into the kitchen and start brewing coffee; sure that Dean is going to need some for his hang over.

 

“Why don’t you want to lie down with me?” I turn around to see Dean standing in the doorway looking hurt and confused.

 

I search for the right words, confused on why Dean would be asking such a question. “Um… don’t you think it’ll be a little… awkward?”

 

“Why?” Dean still looks utterly confused.

 

“Because… we’re not together anymore.” I scrunch my eyebrows and tilt my head.

 

Realization enters his look and by the looks of it, it hits him hard. He honestly looks like he’s about to cry. “Right… um… I should probably… go.” He looks like a lost puppy turning towards the door and heading to it.

 

I tilt my head back, close my eyes, and shake my head. _Damn you conscious._ I think as I look at the retreating man. “Dean.” He halts and slowly turns around, although he doesn’t look me in the eyes. He kind of looks like a little kid being scolded for doing something bad. “Do you want to at least take a shower and have some breakfast?”

 

“I thought it would be awkward?” He glances up at me but doesn’t keep my gaze for long.

 

I sigh. “I think I can deal with it for a little while.”

 

“Lucifer isn’t going to want me here.” Now he’s just making excuses because Lucifer has never stopped Dean from anything.

 

“Let me handle him.” I say.

 

Again, Dean glances up at me then back to the floor. He’s also playing with his fingers. “I don’t want to impose.”

 

“If you were I wouldn’t have asked.” I claim. “Come on Dean, I’m sure your head hurts like a son of a bitch.”

 

Dean hesitates but then nods. “Okay.”

 

I nod to myself, satisfied. “You know where the bathroom is and nothing has changed since you left so the towels are in the same spot.” Dean nods again then walks away, saying a quick thank you.

 

One minute later Lucifer comes out into the kitchen. “Tell me I’m hallucinating. That was not just the hairless ape Winchester I just saw going into the bathroom was it?”

 

I shrug. “He was really drunk.”

 

“Angel.” Lucifer whines with a slouch. “What in the world are you thinking?”

 

“I’m thinking he just showed up yesterday, drunk out of his mind, and confused this morning.” I explain.

 

Lucifer shakes his head. “This is not good Angel, you have to know that.”

 

“What was I going to do Lucifer, throw him out of the house?” I ask.

 

“Yes.” He says with a nod. “After everything he put you through, I think he deserves to be kicked out.”

 

I look to the floor and shake my head. “You know I’m too nice for that.”

 

“Then get a back bone Angel, don’t take him in like a lost puppy.” Lucifer says

 

“We used to date Lucifer; you have to expect me to help him in a situation like this.” I try to explain.

 

“This is unbelievable.” He shakes his head in disappointment. “You know you’re falling right back into his trap. All he’s going to do is leave again and you’re going to be left in pieces.”

 

I keep trying to get through. “I never said I was going to get back together with him. I’m just trying to help him, before we dated we were friends… for years Lucifer. Please understand.”

 

Lucifer looks me in the eyes. “Well I’m not going to be around if he’s going to be around.” He walks to the front door and opens it. “Tell Chuck I’m out in the car waiting for him, we’re going out for breakfast instead.” Then he leaves, gently closing the door behind him.

 

That's when Dean walks into the room. "I should go."

 

I lean on the island and rub my eyes. "No it's okay Dean you can stay."

 

"Lucifer doesn't want me here and I don't blame him. I mean I messed everything up..." He trails off and walks to the door.

 

"Dean." He doesn't stop. "Dean." I say more forcefully and this time he does stop, turning around to face me looking terrified. "Just stay, please." He doesn't say anything but he doesn't leave either. "Did you take anything for your head?" I ask to break the silence.

 

Dean shakes his head. "No you... um... you're out."

 

I look away from him in shame. "Oh." There's a long pause. "Well maybe a greasy breakfast will help." I suggest.

 

"Cas," Dean starts. "I don't need you doing this for me. I can go and get some pain killers for myself and go home. I don't need you breaking your neck to do this for me after everything I did."

 

I sigh. "Dean just let me do this."

 

Dean shakes his head. “Cas don't. I messed everything, everything, up and I'm not looking for sympathy-"

 

I cut him off. "Good because you’re not getting any."

 

"I know." He doesn't look at me. "But Cas, I don't need you bending over backwards for me after what I have done. I don't deserve it"

 

"Your right, you don't, but you know Dean? I messed up just as much as you have." I say with a small smile. "I was thinking because I can't cook to save my life and you're hung over maybe we should go out for breakfast and before that we can pick up some pain killers. That was a quick shower by the way."

 

"Yeah after Lucifer saw me I wanted to make it quick." Dean says. "Cas I can pick up some pain killers and go home and make myself some greasy breakfast."

 

I sigh again. "Dean not this conversation again."

 

"I don't want to force you." Dean says before I can get another word out.

 

"Dean I'm the one that asked, you're not forcing me." I say. "Please Dean, let's not do this. Let's just have a nice, normal evening."

 

"But-" I cut him off again.

 

"No buts Dean, just say yes." I command.

 

He looks to the floor and finally nods yes. "Okay, where do you want to go?"

 

I shrug. "The diner down the street. It's easy to get there and there's a pharmacy store right next to it."

 

Dean finally steals a glance into my eyes. "I get to keep the pills right?"

 

"We're going to get more anyway." I say.

 

"I know." Dean starts. "But I don't like the thought of giving them to you knowing that you get high off them."

 

I look away, not wanting to meet his gaze. "Okay," I give in. "you can keep them." I look up and I see Dean not looking my way and nodding. "You know," I say hesitantly. "I never thanked you for the other day, so thanks."

 

Dean gives a small smile. "It's the least I could have done after all..." He trails off and awkward silence falls between us. "You know Cas," Dean finally talks. "you were right, I did practically ra-" he can't finish, he turns extremely pale. "I think I'm going to be sick." he rushes to the bathroom, locking the door.

 

I walk to the door slowly and hear him puking. "Dean, you going to be okay?" No answer except for a few sniffles and I know Dean is crying. "Want to let me in?"

 

"Um... just let me clean myself up first." He says from the other side of the door and it's obvious he's been crying.

 

I sigh and look to the ceiling, shaking my head. "You know Dean, what you did, I forgive you." I tell him. Nothing, not one little sound. “Dean?” Still no sound so I give up. I walk back to the kitchen and see Chuck there. “Lucifer is waiting for you out in the car.”

 

“W-why?” He asks.

 

“Dean is here.” I say.

 

“W-why?” He asks again.

 

I roll my eyes. “Because he came here yesterday and he was too drunk go home.”

 

Chuck smiles and places a hand on my shoulder. “You have a heart of gold my good friend.” And then he leaves with a quick squeeze to my shoulder.

 

I wait for about ten minutes for Dean to get out of the bathroom but he hasn’t surface and I’m getting hungry. I walk back to the bathroom door and find it unlocked. I walk in but the bathroom is empty. I sigh in frustration and walk to my bedroom. I can’t help but wonder when I started to call it _my_ bedroom instead of _our_ bedroom. When I walk in there sits Dean, looking at that damn photo of us and that stupid snowman, crying. Honestly my heart breaks, even though the bastard doesn’t deserve it. “Dean?”

 

He looks up startled, placing the picture in its wooden frame gently on the bed, vigorously wiping the tears away. “Um… I’m sorry I don’t know what I was thinking… I shouldn’t be in here since it’s not my room any…” He trails off. “And I’m not crying it’s just something in my eyes.”

 

I don’t know what to say so I choose to ignore it. “Well then get whatever is in your eyes out and let’s go, I’m starving.” I walk away, knowing full well that I sounded like a complete dick. We walk down the street when we leave the house since; again, it’s not worth driving down the street when it only takes ten minutes to get to the diner. We walk side by side in silence and when we get to the drug store I let Dean go in and buy whatever pain killers he decides. He comes out with a small plastic bag and water. I look inside and see Advil. I don’t say anything about it though I know Advil isn’t Dean’s style. I wait for him to take two and guzzle down the water. He’s probably dehydrated from the alcohol.

 

We enter the diner after that and Dean lets me choose where to sit. I choose a seat in the back, where if we get into an agreement, no one will hear much. “What are you going to get?” I ask as we look at the menus.

 

Dean looks up with his eyes but keeps his head tilted low. “Um… pancakes and coffee, you?”

 

I shrug. “I guess I’ll get waffles and a coffee.”

 

We order our meal when the waiter saunters over and we wait for about ten minutes before our food comes out. While we are eating Dean begins to talk hesitantly. “Listen Cas… I’m sorry about showing up yesterday drunk. I…” He trails off.

 

I look up to him and swallow the food in my mouth, taking a quick sip of my cooling coffee. “It’s uh… okay Dean. Why did you drink so much to get drunk?”

 

He opens his mouth to respond but before he can someone says my name. “Castiel, fancy seeing you here.” I look up to see Elijah walking over.

 

I smile, happy all of a sudden, and get up to greet him when he reaches our table. “Hey, what are you doing here?”

 

“Probably the same as you, getting breakfast.” He smiles back. “I promise I’m not stalking you, I’m just here to meet my sister for breakfast and she’s the one who chose the place.”

 

He looks nervous, as if he really thought I would get the idea that he was stalking me. “No I get it.” I turn to Dean to see him looking down at his plate sheepishly. A sudden wave of nervousness and guilt hits my gut. I kind of feel bad for the guy. “Um… Dean,” Dean looks up to me and forces a smile. “this is Elijah my…” I’m actually not sure what to call him and I look to the guy for help who promptly shrugs. “my…”

 

“Well I’m hoping boyfriend.” Elijah says nervously. I have a feeling he didn’t mean to say that because he looks away in embarrassment.

 

I smile again. “My boyfriend. Elijah this is Dean my…” Once again I have no clue as to who to introduce him as. I have a feeling, though, that things wouldn’t turn out quite well if I told Elijah that Dean was the ex that I always talked about but on the other hand I don’t want to call Dean my friend and have him get the wrong idea. After my internal battle I finally decide on friend since it’ll be easier to tell Dean that we are not friends than explain everything to Elijah. “My friend.”

 

“Nice to meet you Dean.” Elijah shoves his hand out. We hear the door open and we all look over. “Ah and here is my beautiful sister.”

 

I almost puke and my mouth hangs open in disbelief. I look to Dean who is pretty much the same. I then look back to Elijah who is now hugging his sister, Sandra. “Oh Castiel, it’s nice to see you again.”

 

“You know each other?” Elijah looks to me and then his sister.

 

“Yeah… um… remember I told you about Dean Winchester? This is his friend that I met the other day.” She then looks to Dean. “Hey honey, it’s funny seeing you here.” She leans down and kisses his cheek then straightens out again looking at me. “I hope you’re feeling better Castiel.” She actually genuinely looks concerned.

 

“Y-y-yeah, yeah, much better.” I say still shocked.

 

“Elijah, you didn’t tell me the guy you’re swooning over is Castiel.” Sandra says to Elijah.

 

“Didn’t know you knew him.” He says.

 

“Well he has a unique name so if you told me the guy’s name I could have told you I knew him.” Sandra says playfully. She then turns back to Dean. “I’m sorry we should probably leave you two alone. They’ve been friends since preschool you know.”

 

“Really.” Elijah says. “That’s a long time.”

 

I really don’t want them to sit with us but I don’t want to be rude either. “Why don’t you guys join us?” I can see Dean’s panic from the corner of my vision.

 

“You sure?” Elijah asks, eyeing Dean.

 

“Yeah, that’s fine right Dean?” I turn to the man who is still sat down. He nods hypnotically. “Join us please.” I say, thinking that maybe this will work to my advantage.

 

“Sandra?” Elijah asks his sister.

 

“Of course I’m going to join if Dean’s here.” She smiles and sits down next to him while Elijah and I sit across from them; me across from Dean and Elijah across from Sandra.

 

“So Dean, Castiel, what are you two doing here?” Sandra asks.

 

Dean decides to answer her. “Eating, talking, the like.”

 

Sandra looks slightly irritated. “I can see that but what are doing here together?”

 

“Sandra,” Elijah buts in. “Friends can’t have breakfast with each other anymore?”

 

The woman looks even more irritated. “They can and that’s not what I meant. The way Castiel looked yesterday I just wanted to make sure there was nothing wrong.”

 

I can literally see Elijah put two and two together. “You saw Castiel yesterday?”

 

“Yeah at Dean’s apartment, he was sick so Dean was taking care of him.”

 

“Well,” Elijah looks at Dean and you can see the change in mood and the accusation all over his face. “Thanks for taking care of him Dean.” He sends him a smirk.

 

Dean squirms in his seat and I feel uncomfortable. “I need to go to the bathroom.”

 

Elijah gets up. “Yeah me too.” He sends me the next accusing look and I shrink in the gaze. As soon as we enter the bathroom Elijah begins talking. “What the hell Castiel?” He looks extremely hurt.

 

“Listen he showed up yesterday drunk after our date. He passed out and slept on the couch. I didn’t want to just kick him out in the morning so I offered breakfast, please understand.” I lie slightly.

 

Elijah’s face softens. “Castiel, I understand and it’s not the fact that you’re having breakfast with him that I’m mad about, it’s the fact that you lied to me and told me he was your friend.”

 

“I know and I’m sorry.” I plead.

 

Elijah sighs. “It’s okay.” He smiles slightly and I kiss him.

 

“You still mad?” I give him my puppy dog eyes.

 

“No.” He says like a little kid with the eye roll and everything. He kisses me back gently. No tongue just mouth to mouth in a sweet, romantic way. We stay like that long enough for it to seem as if we actually went to the bathroom.

 

We exit the bathroom then and walk back to the booth to see Dean and Sandra laughing. The waiter comes back to the table and takes Elijah’s and Sandra’s orders and brings the food out when it’s ready. Dean and I are already done eating so we just get another cup of coffee. When the two siblings are done Sandra pays for Elijah and herself while I pay for myself and Dean, Dean protesting a lot but eventually giving in.

 

Sandra and Elijah say they have other plans that they have to do so we say goodbye outside the door, Sandra kissing Dean goodbye and Elijah kissing me goodbye.

 

We watch the two drive off and then Dean finally speaks directly to me, which he hadn’t done since Elijah showed up. “Boyfriend huh?”

 

I can swear I hear a hint of jealousy. “Yep.”

 

“He seems nice.” Dean says and this time I can definitely detect the hidden hurt. Dean doesn’t look at me and only looks ahead. We both walk back to the house and stand by Dean’s Impala. “Thanks for breakfast Cas.”

 

“You’re welcome Dean.” We stand there awkwardly for two minutes before Dean nods once, bites his lip, and finally climbs into the Impala, backing out of the driveway and driving away. “Bye Dean.” I whisper to myself and am surprised to see that saying that doesn’t hurt as much as it used too.

 

I go inside and as soon as I’m in the house my hand starts to shake. I know what it is, it’s my body craving the pills and high feeling. I walk to the drug cabinet in the bathroom and open it to see Lucifer went shopping. I grab the pain killers and stare at the bottle gently shaking in my hand. _I should really get a job._ I think as I open the bottle and take enough to stop my shaking hand.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10:**

 

I wake up to incessant knocking. I groan and wait for someone else to answer the front door but no one does so with a sigh I get up and pull on a pair of sweatpants. I make my way downstairs and to the door and open it. "Dean?"

 

"Hey Cas, I brought breakfast." Dean holds up a bag filled with contents of the unknown. In his other hands are the drinks, snug in the holder.

 

"What did you do, kick the door?" I ask with a slight hint of a smile.

 

Dean smirks at me. "Maybe."

 

I roll my eyes and step aside to let the taller man through the door and inside the house.

 

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs as Dean and I go into the kitchen. "Angel, who was at the door?" Lucifer stops dead in the doorway as soon as he sees Dean.

 

Dean smiles at the guy, though you can tell its mocking. "Hey Lucifer, long time no see."

 

Lucifer scowls. "Not long enough." He then looks to me. "Angel can I talk to you in the living room for a sec please?"

 

I roll my eyes and nod, following him out of the kitchen where Dean is setting up breakfast. "Please don't lecture me about Dean, Lucifer, please."

 

"Okay we won't talk about Dean, it's your business and none of mine." Lucifer sits on the arm of the couch and crosses his arms while I stand in front of him with my own arms crossed. "I want to talk to you about something else." I scrunch up my eyebrows and tilt my head in confusion. Lucifer pulls out a bottle of pain killers, the same bottle he bought earlier. "I've been noticing that we've been going through these like candy. You've also been a little distant. Put two and two together."

 

I squirm under Lucifer's watchful eyes. "Well I don't know what to tell you."

 

"How about the truth." I swallow feeling nervous. "Angel, are you getting high off these?" He shakes the bottle in front of me.

 

"No!" I jump to my defense. "Of course not!"

 

"Yes he has." I spin around to see Dean standing in the doorway, leaning against the door frame. "I was going to tell you but I only found out the day before yesterday, so I haven't gotten the chance. That's one of the reasons why I came today."

 

I stare after Dean in complete astonishment and hurt. Not because he just gave away my dirty little secret but because he didn't come here to see me... or at least that's how I feel. Lucifer, too, looks utterly confused. "Um... thanks Dean... then... I guess."

 

“I thought you weren’t going to tell him.” I accuse as Dean walks further into the room.

 

He shrugs. “Did you really believe I was going to let you get high all the time?”

 

I glare at him and honestly, at that point in time, I hate him. I hate him so much that no matter how far I dig, I can’t seem to find the part of me that loved him. “Angel.” I turn to Lucifer. “Why?”

 

I expected a lot of things to come out of Lucifer’s mouth but ‘why’ is not one of them. I’m lost for words and I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. “I think it’s because I left.” I hear Dean say but I hate him so much right now that I can’t even bring myself to _look_ at him.

 

“Is this true?” Lucifer, surprisingly, looks sympathetic instead of the anger I expected to see. I want him to be mad, however, instead of the sympathetic look. I don’t need his _pity_.

 

I shake my head in anger. “It’s none of your business.” Lucifer looks taken aback from my comment but I don’t pay it much attention. Instead I turn to Dean. “And it’s especially none of yours.” I growl out at him. “It’ my life, both of you stay the hell out of it.”

 

“We’re just trying to help Angel.” Lucifer says calmly which makes even angrier.

 

I whirl to him. “Well don’t!” I yell. “I don’t need your damn help! It’s my body let me do whatever I want with it!” I turn around and walk to the door, ready to storm out.

 

“Cas.” Dean tries to stop me but I walk to the doorway then stop.

 

I look over my shoulder at Dean. “I don’t ever want to see you again Dean.”

 

All Dean does is roll his eyes and shake his head with a slight curve of the lips. I start to walk away again and I get half way down the driveway before I hear Dean call after me and then a hand grasps my elbow turning me around with a slightly amused sounding, “Cas.” I look up into Dean’s eyes and feel the anger starting to subside in those emerald abysses. “You really mean that?” He doesn’t sound confused, more challenging and right there and then I know I’m going to fail this ‘challenge’.

 

We stare at each other for a good minute and half before I give up, slouching my shoulders and looking down at the ground. I shake my head and mumble, “No.” He doesn’t say anything, just stands there holding my elbow. “Dean let go of me please.” I whisper so quietly that I’m afraid he may not have heard me but he lets go of my elbow as directed.

 

“Come back into the house Cas, please. Drugs aren’t the way to go.” Dean says calmly.

 

I stand there without moving and not uttering a word for a while. Then I sigh and begin to walk back into the house and into the living room where Lucifer is still at. “Better Castiel?”

_Ah, so he is angry._ I think as he says my name. Lucifer never does that unless he’s really pissed at me. _Maybe I showed some hint that I wanted him to be angry?_ I think as I sit down beside him with a nod of my head.

 

“Good. We’re going to have to talk about options eventually but first I want to hear from you why you are doing this.” Lucifer places a reassuring hand on my back.

 

I look to the floor, holding my hands together in my lap. I feel awkward, about to spill my guts, especially in front of Dean. “Well I didn’t start right away when Dean left but eventually the pain got too much and I figured… it’s better than cutting myself right?” I look up to Lucifer and he nods for confirmation and to give me permission to go on. “It started out as an experiment, to see how it made me feel. It got rid of the pain and I couldn’t stop.”

 

“Are you still doing it to get rid of the pain?” Lucifer asks.

 

“Sort of.” I bite my bottom lip quickly then continue. “Now I think I’m doing it for the pain but now more because I’m… getting…” I don’t want to say it but I know I have to. “addicted.” I see from the corner of eyes Lucifer nods and Dean sits down on the arm of the couch. “It’s like… I don’t know… 30% getting rid of pain and then 70% for the addiction. I like the feeling and apparently my body does too.” Talking about it makes my hands start to shake and I unconsciously look at the bottle of pain killers, feeling my mouth water. I struggle to tear my eyes from the cylinder but I do and continue. “That’s why I failed all my courses in college because I was too high to go to them.” I don’t say anymore because I have nothing more to say.

 

Lucifer nods again. “Okay so now I guess we talk about your options. As far as I know you can either try to quite on your own which is extremely hard, you can go to AA meetings and get support there as you try and quite on your own, or you can go to a rehab center.”

 

I stiffen at the mention of a rehab center. I stand up quickly. “No I’m not going back to that place.”

 

“It’s not the same place Angel.” Lucifer explains.

 

“It’s close enough. I’m not going to be locked up in some place again.” I claim. “Please Lucifer.”

 

Lucifer rubs his face in frustration and sighs. “Okay but I don’t think you should try and quite without some support, you tried to do that all those years ago with the cutting but you still ended up doing it _in_ the psychiatric hospital.”

 

“So you want me to go to AA meetings?” I ask in astonishment. Lucifer nods. “No, I’m not going to go tell my problems to a group of strangers, I didn’t even like doing that with my psychiatrist, Balthazar. We even had to do group meetings in that hospital and that was hell, that’s why I never even spoke in them.”

 

“And look how long it took you to get out of that place.” Lucifer shoves the fact in my face. “You’ve got two options Castiel, you either go to an AA meeting willingly, or you go to rehab and is forced to go into group meetings.”

 

I look at him incredulously and huff my disapproval, crossing my arms over my chest and sitting back down. “Fine, I’ll go to stupid AA meetings.” I shake my head in disbelief.

 

“I’ll do the research for you and find one that you can go to.” Lucifer thumps my back three times. “Now, how about that breakfast Dean brought us?” He gets up and goes into the kitchen.

 

I stand up and begin to follow when Dean stops me. “Still hate me?”

 

“I never said-” He cuts me off.

 

“You didn’t have to, you could see it in your eyes man, vicious, like a rabid cat.” He says.

 

“Oh so now I’m a cat?” I joke.

 

Dean chuckles and wraps his arms around my shoulders. He then guides me to the kitchen. “A rabid one.”

 

I chuckle back as we walk into the kitchen and see Lucifer looking the food over. “You’re so mean.”

 

We get to the island and Dean and I grab our food and look up at Lucifer who is looking annoyed but you can tell it’s a mock annoyed look and that he’s just playing with us. “Where’s my food?”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just noticed while I was typing up part of the new story I told you about that in chapter 10 I spelt “quit” wrong and actually put “quite”… crap, sorry that’s my bad, it was like a stupid moment for me (considering how easy the word is *rolls eyes at self*). No idea what I was thinking... :/
> 
> I did a lot of research on AA meetings and found out some interesting information so hopefully this chapter will be as accurate as possible.

**Chapter 11:**

 

Leave it to Lucifer to find me an AA meeting the very next day after our conversation, and turns out, they’re free and no signing up required. The meeting starts at two o’clock so I drive me and Chuck down to the building that it is being held in. Lucifer insisted that I bring ‘moral support’ but he couldn’t go himself, Elijah is in a job interview, and there was no way in hell I was going to bring Dean, so Chuck was the only choice I had left… not that I don’t enjoy his company. I even left it up to Lucifer to explain everything to the stuttering mess.

 

I parallel park a few blocks down the street from the building and Chuck and I have to walk there. By the time we do people are already filing into the building, some looking completely normal and you’d have no clue they even had a problem, and others looking like they just got out of Hell. Both Chuck and I walk in silently, Chuck only making a quick comment about how small the building is.

 

When you enter the building you walk immediately into a bricked hall with doors strewn on either side. We quickly find the door labeled AA meeting and enter. It’s a small room with a door to the left. There are folding chairs placed in a circle, some being already occupied and some not. I swallow nervously. The only good thing is, is if I don’t like this group I can just try a different one since you are never tied down to one group.

 

“Castiel,” Chuck gets my attention. “Since this meeting is most likely private I’m going to go wait outside and write a little bit.” I nod to him and watch as he exits a room, glancing over his shoulder quickly and telling me good luck.

 

I sit in one of the chairs and wait nervously for the meeting to start. It’s already five minutes pass two but there are still more people coming in. We don’t start until fifteen pass two and the woman with the clip board starts to talk. She looks to be in her forties and has a very sweet voice.

 

“Good afternoon everyone. It’s nice to see some familiar faces and some new faces.” She looks around the room but doesn’t give any hints at who are new and who are regulars. “I would like to start off by saying I’m Yolanda Avis, you may call me Yolanda, and that this is not a religious thing and no matter your beliefs you are always welcome here. We have an hour today so who would like to start?”

 

A young woman raises her hand and the guide, Yolanda, nods her head to give her permission. “Hello, I’m an alcoholic, I’ve been sober for two months now.” Some people give her praise at her feat. All I wonder is what her name is since she didn’t say. “I started drinking because my dad died. One day I got so drunk that I passed out and almost died from alcohol poisoning. That’s why I decided to quit but now my mom has just gotten into a car crash and I’m feeling a severe urge to drink again.”

 

“You just be strong.” One man said to the nameless woman.

 

Then another woman, older this time, says, “It gets better.”

 

The woman that spoke gives a smile of appreciation but doesn’t say anymore so someone else goes. “I’m Paul, I’m an alcoholic. I have been sober for three years now.” The same response and praise happens that went on with the woman with no name. “Um, I’ve been to multiple AA meeting before, this is my first time to this one. Being sober feels great but I still sometimes have an urge to drink.” Paul ends there.

 

“Very good.” She looks to unnamed woman. “Paul. Anybody else?”

 

I turn to someone who all of a sudden just gets up and leaves, no explanation, no nothing. I turn to everyone else and notice that they don’t pay any attention to it so I figure it’s okay to just leave.

 

Two other people speak and I have yet to get the courage I need to be able to talk, though I know Lucifer will be pissed if I don’t and I’m a terrible liar when it comes to him. I take a deep breath and open my mouth to say something but someone beats me to the punch line. “My name is Teresa, I’m an alcoholic.” I can’t help but note that every single person that has spoken have said they’re an alcoholic. It makes me feel even more out of place because I don’t have an alcohol problem, just a drug problem. We listen in silence as Teresa tells her sob story, boring by the way, and then ends.

 

Yolanda is the next to speak. “We have twenty minutes left of today’s session, we probably have time for one or two more.”

 

I just come out with it then, though I was having an internal battle whether or not I should say my name. Most people did so I figure I should even though it’s not required. “I’m Castiel and I’m a drug addict.” My heart is racing and it doesn’t help with everyone staring at me in confusion. I swallow nervously and look around the circle. I shrink in my chair just a tiny bit. “Um… I started using drugs because-”

 

One of the group members interrupt me. “Excuse me, Yolanda, I feel as if we are getting off topic.”

 

I stare at the woman that just spoke in confusion and see Yolanda nod. “Okay but that doesn’t give you the right to interrupt Castiel.” She says softly then turns to me. “Castiel, this group is purely for alcoholism only so if you have a story for your alcohol addiction then please refer to that and not the drugs.”

 

I stare in complete shock. “What?”

 

“In this group, we only talk about our alcoholism, not drug addiction. Please don’t talk about that and instead talk about your alcoholism.” She says.

 

“But…” I’m astounded. “I don’t have an alcohol problem, just a drug problem.”

 

Yolanda looks lost for words. “Normally if you have a drug problem you also have an alcohol problem.”

 

“Well not me.” I claim which is the truth.

 

She looks sympathetic which is the exact last thing I need. “Well then, I’m sorry honey, but I don’t think this group is for you.”

 

“But…” I trail off feeling slightly insulted. I look around the group who are still staring at me as if I don’t belong. I don’t like being in the center of attention like this. I look to Yolanda and shake my head to myself. “Fine, I’m sorry to have wasted your time.” I get up and reach into my pocket, turning around and making my way to the door. I’m not even to the door yet when I pull out the pill bottle that I snuck into my pocket. I pause at the door and pour the amount of pills to get high into my palm, dry swallowing them and feeling some stick in my throat. Before I go out the door I stuff the bottle back in my pocket and finally leave, not even giving a second glance back. I exit the building and see Chuck sitting on the sidewalk, leaning against the building, writing in his notebook. I whistle to get his attention and throw the keys to him. “You drive.” I get into the passenger seat, knowing the pills will be working soon.

 

We get home in one piece and me high out of my mind. I walk into the house with Chuck giving me suspicious glances. “How was the meeting Angel?” Lucifer’s voice comes from the living room and I walk in to see him sitting on the couch, now next to Chuck, watching TV.

 

“It was great Lucifer.” I chuckle uncontrollably.

 

“I-I think s-something is wrong w-with him.” Chuck mentions. I hear Lucifer sigh and watch as he gets up, Chuck following. “D-do you think he’s high?”

 

Lucifer gets right up in my smiling face and grabs my chin, tilting my head up for him to look in my eyes. “Yeah he’s high.” I laugh at this. “Angel what the hell?”

 

I rip my chin from Lucifer’s grasp and sit on the arm of the couch, feeling light headed. “They kicked me out.” Lucifer looks at me confused so I elaborate. “They said the meeting was for alcoholics only,” More laughing from me and it takes a while before I settle down to continue. “They practically kicked me out because I started talking about my drug problem and how I’m not an alcoholic.”

 

“Why would they do that?” Chuck asks.

 

“Oh I don’t know Chucky, because they’re dicks.” I say getting back up and stumbling a little. “I personally hated the people in the group anyway.”

 

“Angel I’m sure they’re not ‘dicks’ just because they wanted to talk about the main problem.” Lucifer explains.

 

I look at him. “Yeah well it’s not my main problem. Now if you don’t mind, my boyfriend should be out of his interview by now and I would like to see him.”

 

“Which boyfriend?” Lucifer raises one eyebrow in teasing.

 

“Haha very funny Lucifer.” I mock a laugh that throws me into a real one. “Elijah, I’m going to go see Elijah.”

 

Lucifer catches my arm as I turn around. “Ah, I don’t think so Angel, not when you’re like this.”

 

I pull my arm away. “I won’t even drive, I’ll walk.”

 

“Angel.” Lucifer calls after me but I don’t stop. “Do I have to use brute force?”

 

I turn to the older man and smirk at him. “Maybe.” I lean into him and kiss him on the lips. When I pull away I have a wicked grin on my face. “I’ll be back later.” I walk out the door ignoring Lucifer’s confused and shocked look along with Chuck’s not so happy expression at me kissing his boyfriend, pretty passionately, on the lips. To tell you the truth, I don’t even know why I did it.

 

I walk to Elijah’s apartment and knock three times. The door opens and reveals the man himself. “Castiel, what are you doing here?”

 

“I wanted to know how the interview went.” Elijah steps to the side and lets me in, taking note of my slight staggering.

 

“It went fine, won’t know if I have the job until next week, are you okay?” He asks in concern as I lose my balance and have to catch myself on the wall.

 

Elijah is immediately at my side, holding me upright. “I’m fine.”

 

He guides me to his couch and sits me down gently. “Are you drunk?” He takes a closer look. “No you’re… high?”

 

“Ding ding ding, you’ve answered correctly, guess what your prize is?” I say with a wide smile.

 

He looks really concerned. “So I’m guessing the AA meeting didn’t go well.”

 

The room starts to spin so I look to the ceiling. “They only want alcoholics at the one I went to so they kicked me out.”

 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” He takes my shoes off. “But you know you shouldn’t have gotten high after.”

 

“Why not?” I pull him on top of me when he places my feet on the couch and leans me back. “What’s the point of stopping if I can’t even get support at an AA meeting?”

 

Elijah struggles against my hold but my arms are around his torso and I’m holding him tightly. He manages to sit up a little, however, to peer into my eyes. “Because drugs are not the way to go.”

 

I peck his lips. “You sound like Lucifer.”

 

“Speaking of Lucifer, I thought he was going to take all the pills away, throw them all out.” He questions.

 

“He can’t get rid of my depression pills and anti-anxiety pills.” I mention.

 

Elijah still looks confused. “But I thought he was going to hide them from you and give the amount you need himself?”

 

“He’s not with me twenty four seven.” I kiss his lips tenderly this time but Elijah pulls away.

 

“Wait a minute, you need rest those pills off.” He pushes away again but I hold him to me.

 

“No I don’t.” I kiss the top of his nose then his lips again. “We haven’t even had sex yet, you and me, how about we do now.”

 

He chuckles and shakes his head no. “I’m not taking advantage of you in this state.”

 

“Oh come on, please? I want it.” I beg.

 

“No Castiel.” He pushes harder this time and I let him go, disappointed. “Sleep.”

 

I huff and turn my back to him, closing my eyes. I listen as Elijah twiddles around the apartment but eventually I do fall asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep for but by the time I wake up it’s well into the night. I open my eyes and sit up to see Elijah at the kitchen table on his laptop. I get up and sit across from him. “Hi.” I say sheepishly.

 

“You’re finally awake.” He smiles at me.

 

“I’m sorry about earlier.” I apologize guiltily.

 

“It’s okay as long as you’re okay now.” He continues to look at me.

 

“Yeah I’m fine, thanks.” I motion to the laptop. “What are you doing?”

 

He takes a deep breath and sighs. “I am looking up information on AA meetings.” I groan in displeasure and he chuckles. “Don’t worry I’m not looking for another meeting for you, I’m sure Lucifer would like to do that but,” How did I know there was going to be ‘but’? “I found out that a lot of AA meetings are only for alcoholics, the abbreviation standing for Alcoholism Anonymous.”

 

I look at him confused. “Okay, how is this supposed to help me?”

 

He smiles. “You shouldn’t be going to AA meetings, what you should be going to is NA meetings.” I tilt my head in confusion. “Narcotics Anonymous.” He clarifies. “In NA meetings you can talk about any addiction, whether it be drug addiction or alcohol addiction.”

 

“Okay but is there any around here?” I ask.

 

Elijah nods. “Surprisingly, yes. There are actually a lot of NA meetings around here. I’m already printing you the information to give to Lucifer and a list of meetings that are available in the next week.”

 

I smile at him and get up, walking around the table. I lean down and kiss him passionately on the lips. “Thank you.” I say when we separate.

 

“Anytime.” He kisses me back. “It’s late do you just want to sleep here?”

 

“That depends.” I kiss him again. “Do we get to have sex?”

 

Elijah rolls his eyes but smiles at me. “No.” I frown. “Castiel, I would feel very weird having sex with you after you were just high on my couch. I want to make sure it’s all out of your system before then, that way I’m not taking advantage of you at all.”

 

I sigh and peck his lips in disappointment. “Okay, I’ll take the couch then.”

 

“I’ll get you some blankets.” He gets up and walks away as I settle myself back on the couch.

 

As he returns I help him with the blankets then lie down, pulling him down with me. “Will you just lie here with me for a minute?”

 

He rests his head on my chest. “Sure.”

 

I kiss the top of his head then close my eyes, holding the man in my arms tight.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter elaborates more on what that whole Castiel/Lucifer kiss was all about. By the end of the chapter you maybe like “What!” but I promise you this is still a Destiel story and is not turning into a Castiel/Lucifer story (not sure if there is a combination of their names but I’ll call them Luciel ;) ) 
> 
> WARNING: There’s a sex scene in this chapter but I tried to not make it to graphic. It’s towards the end so if you want to skip it please do. You’ve been warned so please don’t complain if you don’t like it.

**Chapter 12:**

 

The next day, I give Lucifer all the information Elijah looked up, sheepishly. He doesn’t mention the kiss and as soon as I walk through the door Chuck is upstairs and locked in his bedroom. I go up after him, leaving Lucifer to scrutinize over all the papers. I knock on Chuck’s door but there is no answer so I try the knob but it’s locked.

 

“Chuck?” I call from my side of the door and I hear shuffling within the room but still no answer. I sigh and give up, going back to my room.

 

After a few minutes Lucifer comes up to my room where I’m sitting on my bed, legs crossed. He hands me the papers. “I’m going to be going online and seeing what other people think about these NA meetings.”

 

He’s about to leave when I stop him. “Lucifer wait.” He turns to me and waits for me to speak. “Can we talk?”

 

He gets that knowing look on his face and closes the door, coming over to sit next to me. “About the kiss?” I nod. “What about it?”

 

“I want to say I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” I say.

 

Lucifer nods and bites his lip. “I could tell.” We stare for a few seconds then he asks, “Is that all?”

 

“Um… well… no.” He shows no emotion on his face at all. “Is Chuck okay? He uh… won’t talk to me.”

 

Lucifer shifts his position, getting more comfortable. “He’s a little pissed.”

 

“At me?” I ask warily and Lucifer nods. “Because of that stupid kiss?”

 

I note when Lucifer looks down and stops having eye contact with me. “Yeah.” I don’t say anything because Lucifer looks like he’s going to go on. “Is that all it was to you, a stupid kiss?”

 

“Well…” His question takes me by complete surprise I’m not sure what to say. His question brings something up in my chest that I thought I buried a long time ago. Lucifer takes the hint that isn’t even there and gets up, walking to exit my room. “Wait, was it good?” It sounds weird and slightly selfish… okay a lot selfish… but it just comes out with the effort to keep him here.

 

He turns to me confused. “What was?”

 

“The kiss, did you… like it?” I clarify sounding like a total douche in my mind.

 

Lucifer hesitates, mulling it over in his head, but then he smirks slightly. “I’m not answering that.”

 

“I liked it.” I blurt out not even meaning too. “Um… I mean…” I’m totally screwed.

 

“What?” Lucifer walks back up to the bed but doesn’t sit down this time.

 

My heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest, it’s going so fast. I’m sure Lucifer can hear it too. “I liked it.” The man in front of me looks like he has just seen a ghost. “I was wondering if you did?”

 

He looks skeptical and on guard though after a few seconds his features soften. He still looks skeptical, however. He looks away from me. “Yes I liked it.” He walks away then, a blush forming on his cheeks and hands shoved into his pocket.

 

I look after him trying my hardest to push those damn feelings down from once they came but it doesn’t work out. I decide to ignore them the best I can and return my attention back on the papers in front of me. I sit there for a long time before Lucifer is knocking on my open door.

 

“May I come in?” He asks and I nod to give him permission. He closes the door behind him for more privacy. “There’s an NA meeting tomorrow at noon and three o’clock. You can choose which one you want to go to. I’ve called in to work to take the day off so I can go with you. Chuck was going to go to your next AA meeting which I would assume he would go to the NA meeting then but… now he’s not going to go.” Lucifer doesn’t look me in the eyes once and my heart sinks with knowing how bad I hurt Chuck. “We need to talk about our earlier conversation.” He finally looks me in the eyes and I just realize why he shut the door to my room.

 

“What about it?” I decide to play dumb.

 

“What I said, about liking the kiss.” He pauses to take a breath. “I think I should clarify myself.”

 

“Okay.” I say but I’m kind of afraid of what he might say.

 

He seems nervous, unwilling to do this. “What I meant when I said that I liked the kiss was…” He pauses and he looks kind of scared, something I haven’t seen since I almost died from John shooting me. “It’s just…” He looks away. “I know I’ve said that you’re like a brother to me but the truth is, is that I’ve always have had feelings for you.”

 

He still doesn’t look at me and instead stares at my bed. “Why didn’t you tell me this or act on it?”

 

He takes a deep breath and meets my eyes. “Because I knew I was no match for Dean. Even if I did tell you there was no way in hell I could compete with Dean. In the end you would have chosen him… not me.” He looks away again and I don’t like the pain stricken look in his eyes. “So I decided to bury those feelings and… just try to be a brother. I figured that was the closest thing I could get to you loving me, is if I was like a brother to you.”

 

“But then I kissed you.” I say, figuring out the rest myself.

 

Lucifer nods. “Then you kissed me and it brought up so many emotions that I had buried for so long.”

 

I feel guilty. “What about Chuck?”

 

He takes another deep breath before answering. “My feelings for him are real, I know that, but they’re not like…” He bites his bottom lip then continues. “… like the ones for you. I’m not ignorant, I know I love you more than Chuck but even with you broken up with Dean I still don’t stand a chance, because you chose someone else, Elijah, instead of me.”

 

“Because you’re with Chuck, if you weren’t then…” I catch myself though I’m not quite sure what I was about to say.

 

“What do you mean?” Lucifer questions.

 

“Nothing, never mind.” I try to cover for myself but Lucifer doesn’t buy it.

 

“No,” Lucifer says sharply. “You said you liked it too, what do you mean by that?”

 

“It’s just that… I don’t know I haven’t felt like this in a long time and back in the psychiatric hospital I always thought it was like this brotherly bond feeling.” I explain. “But…” I trail off not being able to continue.

 

“But what?” Lucifer asks, wanting me to continue.

 

I sigh in defeat. “But now that, that feeling is back and I’m thinking about it more I’m not sure if it really is a brotherly bond type feeling.” I admit. “But back then I only had eyes for Dean, or at least I thought, so like you I buried the feeling, telling myself that I just consider you a brother and that’s all.”

 

“I guess we should have talked about this back then huh?” Lucifer says looking at me and smiling slightly. “Instead of hiding it.”

 

“Yeah.” I agree.

 

“Well,” Lucifer starts again. “I’m going to bury the feeling again because I’m with Chuck and you’re with Elijah, it’s just how it is.”

 

“Unless we don’t want it to be.” I comment.

 

“What do you mean?” He asks in confusion.

 

I clarify. “I don’t have to be with Elijah and you don’t have to be with Chuck.”

 

“I’m not going to hurt him Angel and Elijah makes you happy, I come with too much angst.” Lucifer gives me one last smile and makes to get up but I quickly place my hand on his cheek, stopping him immediately.

 

He turns his head to me and swallows. I lean in and kiss him, mouth closed but I linger, our lips touching delicately. I pull away and look into Lucifer’s surprised eyes. “You make me happy too, angst or no angst.” I’m purely acting on a whim and I’m not sure why. I move back in, touching our lips lightly against each other and Lucifer eventually relaxes deepening the kiss, though our mouths are still closed.

 

He gently pushes me down onto my back and lies on top of me. He’s warm and I like it, all my senses going on overdrive. He groans and rolls off of me which makes me confused. I turn to him and look at him questioningly. “What in the world are we doing?”

 

I’m pretty sure that is a rhetorical question but I answer anyways. “We’re kissing.”

 

He looks at me. “No I didn’t notice that Angel.”

 

“What’s wrong?” The feeling of rejection is creeping up into my chest.

 

“I don’t… I just…” He stops to think. “I don’t think it’s real.”

 

“What are you talking about? I wouldn’t have kissed you if it wasn’t real.” I say.

 

“Are you sure or are you just messing with me?” He looks scared again and venerable. I shake my head no but Lucifer continues before I can say anything. “Because this is my theory. You are kissing me because you’re either high which you don’t look it, you’ve finally gone off the deep end which I don’t see why you would, you’re not thinking straight because you’re desperate for sex because maybe Elijah hasn’t had sex with you yet,” That one stings terribly and I can feel my heart starting to ache. “or you’re messing with me which would hurt like hell.” His eyes start to glisten when he mentions the last one as if he’s going to cry. “The last two seem pretty plausible.”

 

I look at him angrily. _How can he think that? How can he think that I would do something like that to him?_ I think. “Well if you think that, then get the hell out of my room.” I feel hurt with rejection and what Lucifer thinks I’m doing this for. He gets up and leaves, my eyes following him the whole way. I lie there on my bed for a few more hours contemplating my feelings for Lucifer. I’m sure I wasn’t messing with him but I’m still not sure what my feeling are and I’m so confused. I get up deciding to tell Lucifer I’m sorry and if Chuck has ventured out from their room to tell him sorry too. I find Lucifer in the living room but no Chuck. I assume he’s still locked up in his room. “Lucifer?” I begin but he doesn’t look at me.

 

Instead he shuts the TV off, gets up, and walks by me saying, “Not now Castiel.”

 

It’s funny how he’s the one that accused me of something I didn’t do and he’s the one who is angry. He didn’t yell or anything like that. He said his words calm as ever but I know he’s angry with me because of him saying my actual name instead of ‘Angel’. He walks out of the room and I feel heartbroken and guilty.

 

I make my way to Chuck’s bedroom, hoping to try again. I knock on the door, calling out Chuck’s name. “Chuck can we please talk?” He doesn’t open the door though and continues to ignore me. As I walk back to my room I wonder how in a mere twenty four hours, everybody hates you. I shut the door behind me and fall on my bed, curling my knees up to my chest. I feel isolated and alone, like nothing important. I’ve officially lost everyone, besides Elijah but I’m sure soon I’ll lose him too.

 

I close my eyes and fall asleep, only to wake up to a call for dinner. “Dinner is ready.”

 

I open my door to run into Chuck. I open my mouth to say something but he gives me a hard, warning glare so I shut it, not saying a word. I sit in my usual spot at the dining room table. It’s a rectangular table, with me and Lucifer on the ends and Chuck next to Lucifer on his left. With no one beside me I feel even more disconnected, removed from the group.

 

As Lucifer and Chuck eat I just use my fork to swirl the potatoes, corn, and green beans around the plate, not hungry at all. I stare down at my plate and it’s complete silence until Lucifer begins to whisper to Chuck, hoping I don’t hear but unfortunately I do. “Talk to him.”

 

“Why don’t you?” Chuck bites back.

 

Lucifer doesn’t respond right away but I can feel eyes on me. “Because we got in a fight.”

 

“Good, maybe he’ll keep his lips off you.” I can feel the pain in my chest become greater and greater with every word and I have to bite my bottom lip to stop myself from crying.

 

“Would you stop it with that.” Lucifer tries. “The kiss didn’t even mean anything.”

 

And that’s what gets me. Tears are already formed in my eyes and if I stay much longer I’m not going to be able to hold them back. I stand up and push my plate away, still not looking at any of them. “I’m not that hungry if you’ll excuse me.” I say quickly and my voice cracks. I walk away before they can ask me what’s wrong, if they would in the first place. I get into my room and shut the door, turning the lock on it. I finally let the tears flow freely as I sit on my bed, subconsciously rubbing the scars on my right arm. I hiccup with every breath and I reach up to wipe the tears away but new ones just replace the old ones so I go back to tracing my scars. I feel guilty, to be blamed, like everything is my fault, and unwanted. Elijah comes to mind and I pick up my cell phone, calling his number.

 

“Castiel, hey.” His voice comes from the phone.

 

“Hi.” I answer.

 

“How’s it going?” He asks, I can hear the faint noise from the television.

 

“It’s good.” I pause for a few seconds then continue. “What are you watching?”

 

He chuckles. “I just sat down actually, trying to find something to watch. I’m just flipping through channels right now.”

 

“Oh.” I try to keep my voice steady but it’s a lost cause. “”My NA meeting is tomorrow.”

 

“That’s great, I’m sure this one will be more successful than your last AA meeting.” He says and waits for me to say something. I accidently sniffle however and it makes him immediately concerned. “Are you okay?”

 

I sniffle again. “I’m fine.” I say as the tears stop but I still feel like shit.

 

“No you’re not.” He says as if he can see me. “You’re sniffling so that either means you have a cold or you’re crying. Which one is it?”

 

“Crying.” I say, my bottom lip quivering with the effort to not cry anymore.

 

“Why, what happened?” He asks, sounding worried.

 

I sniffle again before answering feeling tears form in my eyes again. “I pissed off Chuck and when Lucifer and I tried to talk it out we got in this stupid fight and now both of them won’t even talk to me. They’re just ignoring me, especially Chuck. Chuck has already said he’s not coming to my NA meeting and Lucifer was going to but now probably not.”

 

There’s a short pause before Elijah speaks. “What was the fight about?”

 

“I don’t think they would want me to tell you, it’s kind of a personal thing.” I claim though really I just don’t want the man on the phone to know I kissed someone else.

 

“I understand. Why don’t you go try and talk to them again.” Elijah suggests.

 

I rub at my eyes. “They won’t talk to me.”

 

“Maybe they just need some time.” He says. “How long ago was the fight?”

 

I shrug. “A few hours ago.”

 

“Okay, maybe it’s been long enough and if it hasn’t then you know that old saying, ‘if you don’t succeed try and try again until you do’.” He tells me which makes me smile. “And if it doesn’t work tonight just call me, no matter how late it is, you call. I’ll always be here with you and if you want, I’ll go with you to the NA meeting.”

 

“Really?” I ask.

 

“Yeah, I want to support you because I like you a lot.” The guilt comes back.

 

“Thank you Elijah.” I thank.

 

“Anytime, now go talk to them and remember, call me if it doesn’t work.” He reminds me and then we both say goodbye.

 

I hang up and go to my door, unlocking it, and stepping out into the hall. I see Chuck making his way to his bedroom so I walk up to him just as he reaches the door. “Chuck listen, I’m-” He slams the door in my face.

 

“He’s still mad at you.” I turn around to see Lucifer standing behind me.

 

I almost smile from the fact that he said something to me but the look on his face quickly diminishes that idea. “I noticed. Can we talk please?”

 

Lucifer step around me and opens the door. “No.”

 

“I’m sorry.” I say and it makes Lucifer turn around to look at me.

 

He still looks angry and he shakes his head. “Stop saying you’re sorry, Castiel. You are always saying that and I’m getting tired of it.” I flinch and a tear slides down my cheek. “Just leave us alone.” He shuts the door.

 

I stand there feeling helpless and hopeless. I knock on the door, three solid knocks as more tears fall. “The kiss didn’t even mean anything.” I lie. “I’m s-sorry.” My voice cracks and when no one answers I place my forehead to the door and slide down to my knees, eyes tightly shut as I bawl my eyes out. “Please don’t be mad at me, please don’t leave me.” I call again through the door but like before there’s no answers. I’m shuddering with every breath and I get up off the floor, going back to my room. I close the door again but I don’t bother locking it. I sit crossed leg on my bed and pick up my phone planning on calling Elijah but instead I call a different familiar number.

 

“Hello?” Dean’s sweet voice comes from the phone.

 

“Dean it’s Cas.” I say.

 

“Cas, everything okay?” He asks, immediately knowing something is wrong.

 

I smile at that. “Can you just talk to me?”

 

There’s a pause. “What do you mean?”

 

“Just talk, about anything. How your day was, how Sam is doing in school, I’d even be okay if you talk about Sandra right now. Please Dean, don’t ask me what is wrong, just talk.” I answer.

 

“Okay.” He does as I ask and I sit there just listening, not interrupting even once. He eventually runs out of things to say so he goes on to talk about Sandra but I find myself even enjoying that too just from hearing Dean’s voice. “And after that… she just went home I think.” There’s a long pause of silence. “That’s all I have.”

 

“Thank you Dean.” I say sincerely. Listening to him has made me feel a little better and I’ve stopped crying a while ago.

 

“You want to tell me what’s wrong now?” Dean pries.

 

“Not really.” I say. “I have to go.” I lie. “It was nice listening to you Dean.”

 

“Yeah no problem.” He says skeptically and concerned. “Talk to you later, right?”

 

A small smile forms on my face. “Of course Dean. Bye.” I hang up then, placing my cell back on the nightstand. It’s late now, it being a little pass nine and I start to pull the covers back to go to bed when there’s a knock at my door. My heart sinks. “Come in.” Lucifer walks in and looks at me guiltily. “You here to kick me out? Will you at least give me time to find a place to go?”

 

He sighs and shuts the door, walking over to my bed and sitting down on the edge in front of me. “I’m not kicking you out.”

 

“Then what are you here for?” I go on the defense.

 

“Your eyes are still puffy and red from crying. You really relapsed didn’t you?” He comments which confuses me. “The depression.” He clarifies.

 

I look at him accusingly. “Well you try having your boyfriend cheat on you then leave you a year later to go be with other women, and then have the two people that you love the most in this world treat you like you don’t exist, then see how you feel.”

 

“That’s what I came in here to talk to you about.” He says looking away from me. I can see how guilty he feels. “I did some thinking and realized how childish I’m being and how much of a dick I’m being, and I want to say I’m sorry. I know you wouldn’t hurt me like that and I don’t know why I even thought you would, but even so it’s no excuse for how I treated you and you didn’t deserve to be ignored, so I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.” He takes a breath and looks at me. “What I did was unacceptable and I’m sorry I’m just now realizing that. I didn’t mean to make cry, Angel, and I feel so bad for even making one tear form in those beautiful eyes. I’m so sorry.” I look on without saying anything and Lucifer just looks at me with guilt filled eyes. “I tried talking to Chuck but he won’t budge, so I’m sorry I couldn’t get him to stop acting like a child too.”

 

He gives me a sheepish smile then gets up, walking toward the door. I quickly get up and grab him by the elbow. “Wait.” He turns around and I pull the taller man into a tight hug. “I forgive you.”

 

He hugs back and we stand like that for while, just holding each other. My heart is beating rapidly in my chest, those feelings I’ve been ignoring most of the day reappearing with Lucifer in my arms. Without thinking I start to kiss his neck, then his jaw, and eventually his lips but Lucifer pulls away immediately. “What are you doing?”

 

I back up, disgusted with myself, not believing I just did that again. “I-I-I don’t know, Lucifer I’m so confused. I have these feelings for Dean, and Elijah, and you. I don’t know what to make of them all and I’m just so confused. I don’t know what to-”

 

He cups my cheek to shut me up. “Stop talking.” He crashes his mouth onto mine and I moan with the satisfaction of finally having his lips on mine heatedly.

 

Lucifer reaches over and locks my door then begins to guide me to the bed, pulling at my clothing as I pull at his. We only manage to remove our shirts before we are falling down to the mattress with a grunt. Lucifer is on top of me, bare chest against mine, his skin feeling like it’s on fire. I flip us around so I’m on top and lean down to whisper in his ear. “We’ve never told each other whether we’re top or bottom.”

 

I lean up to look Lucifer in his eyes when he starts to speak. “Do you really need to ask me that? Have you seen Chuck?”

 

“True.” I smirk and kiss his lips. “So you’re top then.” He nods. “I only bottom for Dean.” I press my nose into his cheek, enjoying his smell.

 

“I’ve never bottomed before since Chuck was my first but if you want to top it’s fine, just be gentle.” He offers.

 

I continue to breath in his scent, nose rubbing his cheek and my eyes shut. “I want you inside me Lucifer.” I whisper. “So bad.”

 

He hesitates and moans when I attack his ear with my teeth. “Are you sure?”

 

“Positive.” That’s all Lucifer needs to flip me over and start to unzip my jeans.

 

He pulls them off and I use shaky hands to undo his. I’m a little nervous but so turned on by Lucifer’s bare body that I don’t care. After getting my jeans off he pulls my boxers off and then kicks his own off. “You’re more beautiful than I imagined.”

 

He kisses down my chest making his way to between my legs. When he takes me in his mouth I sigh his name. “Lucifer.”

 

Our breaths are coming out rapid and breathless. It feels so good but then the sensation is lost when Lucifer releases me. “You have lube?”

 

I tilt my head to the far nightstand. “Top drawer.”

 

He reaches over and pops the cap off, lubricating his fingers. He preps me slowly and carefully, starting with one finger to three. Once he thinks I’m ready he slicks up his dick and lines himself up. “Ready?” He asks me and I nod. He pushes in and I tense up, not on purpose, but it’s been a while since I’ve been filled. He rubs my side soothingly as he pushes in inch by inch until he’s fully sheathed. He waits for me to relax, still rubbing my side.

 

I sigh when I start to get used to the feeling. “Lucifer move.” I give him permission and he kisses my lips as he starts to rock his hips. He moves slow at first and then picking up pace when I tell him to until we’re both a moaning mess. He reaches in between us and grasps me in his hand. “Lucifer.” I moan and try to keep my voice down, my mind reminding me of Chuck and sending a wave of guilt to my chest. Lucifer shifts his position and begins to hit my prostate with every thrust. It feels amazing and I’m soon going over the edge, spilling all over Lucifer’s hand.

 

It takes Lucifer two more thrust before he reaches his climax and is filling me with hot liquid. He presses his lips to my sweaty shoulder to stifle a moan then collapses on top of me. We both are sweaty and trying to catch our breaths, Lucifer pulling out of me with a grunt. We lie separate for a while until we both stop breathing so hard. I finally decide to curl up beside Lucifer and tuck my head in the crook of his neck. I feel him kiss the top of my scalp and sigh with contentment. “That was amazing.” He kisses my head again. “You are amazing.”

 

“I sit up and kiss his lips tenderly. “You too.” We make out for a while before the both of us are too exhausted to do anything else except sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it a little Luciel ;). Like I said in the beginning this is not turning into a Castiel/Lucifer story, it is still a Destiel story (you just have to be patient) :)
> 
> Thanks for reading everybody. :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13:**

 

I wake up to my phone ringing the next morning. I look over to where Lucifer should have been but he’s not there and I feel my heart sink. I reach over to my nightstand, picking up my cell, and answering it, running a hand through my disheveled bed head. “Hello?” My voice is more gravelly from sleep.

 

“Hey,” Elijah greets. “you never called back yesterday so I assumed everything went okay but I wanted to make sure.”

 

A wave of guilt and nausea overtakes me. “Um… I sorted things out with Lucifer but Chuck still won’t talk to me.”

 

There’s a pause and for a minute I’m afraid he might see through me. “Oh I’m sorry about Chuck but at least you got through to Lucifer. I’m sure Chuck is just a matter of time.” He finally says, then moves on. “You want to go out for breakfast?” I don’t say anything. “Um… I mean I know I just saw you the other day but… I just thought…” He trails off.

 

I shake my head to clear it. “Sure, sure, where?”

 

“You can choose if you want since I chose the restaurant for our kind of first date.” He says.

 

“Okay, um… how about Inshoku Café?” I ask, saying the first café I can think of that _isn’t_ the one down the street.

 

“Sure, see you in thirty minutes?” He clarifies.

 

I nod though he can’t see it. “Yeah.” We both hang up and sigh. _I am so totally screwed._ I think as I push the covers off and pull on my boxers from yesterday. I go to the bathroom and take a shower then try and tame my hair that is just no use. When I get out to the kitchen Lucifer and Chuck are eating at the island. “Good morning you two.” I greet hesitantly.

 

Chuck turns away from me with a scowl and Lucifer looks down at his plate saying a small, “Hey.” back to me.

 

I narrow my eyes at how close the two of them are sitting together. “I’m going out to have breakfast with Elijah.” I only say it to see Lucifer’s reaction but he doesn’t give me one.

 

Instead I get backlash from Chuck, the small man turning to me fiercely. “Maybe you can kiss someone else’s boyfriend on your way there.” He gets up and leaves the kitchen.

 

I don’t stay long enough for Lucifer to say something to me. I just harden my feelings and walk out the door, into my Chevy, and driving away to the café. When I get there I pick us a seat and wait for the man to arrive. He does five minutes later and I stand to greet him, kissing him on the lips when he gets closer. “Hey.” I say as we sit and I plaster a smile on my face.

 

“Hello.” He says back and I can tell something is wrong.

 

“What’s wrong?” I ask in concern.

 

He shakes his head. “Oh nothing.”

 

“No you didn’t want me to lie to you so you don’t lie to me.” I claim.

 

He looks me in the eyes and I see pain there. “It’s just that… Chuck called me this morning and told me some ridiculous lie that you kissed Lucifer on the lips.” I don’t know what to say. “You two consider each other brothers so a kiss on the cheek is… alright I guess, still kind of weird… but the lips. I mean Chuck was just lying right?”

_Damn I don’t want to hurt this guy._ I think as I open my mouth to speak. “Yeah it’s a lie. I wouldn’t cheat on you.” I lie right through my teeth and it makes me feel nauseous.

 

He smiles at me though it still seems skeptical. “Good, that’s what I thought.”

 

The rest of the morning goes by smoothly and I learn Dean broke up with Sandra, which definitely peaks my interest. I ask why but apparently Elijah doesn’t have all the information. Once we’re done he asks me if I still want him to come to my NA meeting and I say yes so I tell him where and when. During the drive home my mind keeps thinking about how Chuck called Elijah and I can feel the anger rising in me.

 

When I get inside Chuck is in the living room but I’m not sure where Lucifer is. “What the hell?” I say angrily as soon as I get in the room.

 

Chuck looks over at me, shuts the TV off, then stands up facing me and looking me in the eyes for the first time in days. “I’m sorry Castiel you’ll have to be a little more specific.”

 

“You called Elijah and told him I kissed Lucifer?” I yell.

 

He looks calm and it’s unnerving. “I thought he deserved to know.”

 

“You had no right!” I continue to yell.

 

“You kissed my boyfriend, Castiel, it’s only fair that yours gets to know.” He yells back, finally showing some emotion and his face contorting in anger.

 

“You should have let me tell him!” I’m really angry now and I’m not use to the little guy defending himself.

 

He takes a step towards me. “Would you have?”

 

“It was one little kiss!” I try to explain. “It didn’t even mean anything!”

 

“Well you know what I’m not stupid Castiel! I know exactly how Lucifer feels about you!” He yells back. “You’re all he ever talked about in the psychiatric hospital, Angel this, Angel that!” He mocks. “I knew I was second best when he asked me out, but I love him so much that I didn’t care!”

 

I’m taken aback from Chuck’s confession but it doesn’t lessen the anger boiling in me. “I’m the one that kissed him, which it didn’t mean anything, not the other way around!”

 

“But he still loves you, I can see it in his damn eyes!” He yells desperately.

 

“So what you going to hate me for the rest-” I get cut off by Lucifer walking in.

 

“Hey, hey, hey!” He yells over my own shouting. “What the hell is going on here?” Chuck gives me a hard stare down then pushes pass me and Lucifer.

 

Lucifer starts to go after him but I stop him. “Wait a minute, wait a minute.” We hear Chuck slam the door upstairs. “What the hell happened?”

 

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” He snaps.

 

I’m still charged from the fight with Chuck. “No I mean where the hell were you this morning. I don’t know about you but I kind of expected to wake up with you beside me.”

 

“I had to get back to Chuck.” He says as if it’s the most obvious answer. “You didn’t expect this to turn into something did you?” I shrug not knowing what to say. “Tell me, would have broken up with Elijah?”

 

I shake my head in disbelief. “Of course.”

 

“Well you see I don’t think that’s the truth.” He says.

 

“Why wouldn’t it be? As long as you broke up with Chuck I…” I trail off when Lucifer looks to the floor. “Would you have broken up with Chuck?”

 

He looks me in the eyes again. “No. I’m not going to hurt him and what we did last night was a mistake.”

 

“How can you say that? You enjoyed it just as much as I did and don’t you think it’s a little late to ‘not hurt Chuck’.” I say, growling it out. “I mean jeez Lucifer, the guy can take care of himself.”

 

“Yeah maybe you should observe him and see how to take care of _yourself_.” He puts emphases on the last word and I flinch.

 

“I do know how to take care of myself.” I claim.

 

He leans into my face angrily. “Then stop being so dependent on everybody.”

 

He turns to walk away but my blood is still boiling. “I can’t believe you. You’re angry at me? You didn’t have to go along with it last night Lucifer, you could have told me no!”

 

He gets right up in my face. “You didn’t have to start it.”

 

“So now what, huh? We just go back to normal?” He shrugs. “Well you know what Lucifer, if you want it to be a one night stand then at least have the balls to admit it.” I walk away but he calls me back.

 

I turn around to look at him and he walks up to me, getting in my face again. “You want me to admit it, fine.” His teeth are clenched together in pure anger. “Last night was just a one night stand, it’s never going to happen again, so don’t you dare kiss me again.” He walks away bumping into my arm on his way by.

 

I stand there, still angry as ever and I punch the wall with my right hand in rage and frustration. I punch it so hard that I break the skin and can feel the warm, thick liquid of blood running down my fingers from my bruised knuckles. I take my hand off the wall and look down at my knuckles, feeling them sting and ooze with blood. My hand is shaking from the pain and I make my way to the bathroom, wrapping up my hand once there.

 

I go up to my room, slamming my door shut. I’m still boiling with rage and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the fact that Lucifer is angry with me when it’s his fault he cheated on Chuck, not mine. I don’t care if I started it, he didn’t have to go along and take me to bed.

 

I start to take my anger out on things around my bedroom. I grab a pillow and throw it against the wall; I take the comforter off the bed and crumple it up, throwing it on the floor. I then pick up the alarm clock that is on one of the nightstands, rip the cord out of the socket on the wall, and throw it across the room, the lamp coming next. The alarm clock breaks, the front cracking and pieces of it flying everywhere, while the lamp shatters, the base breaking into tiny pieces of glass and the bulb shattering too, even with the lamp shade as some protection. I do the same with the clock and light on the other nightstand then pick up my cell phone. I throw it at the door just as Lucifer walks in.

 

“Hey, hey, stop it, stop it!” He grabs my arms to stop me from picking anything else up.

 

“Let go of me!” I shout and wiggle out of his grasp. “Don’t you touch me!”

 

Lucifer backs up and throws his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay, I won’t.”

 

“You’re a real ass hole, you know that!” I pick up a picture of him and throw it at him. Lucifer successfully dodges the projectile and it shatters behind him. “You have no right to be mad at me!” I scream and I wonder if Chuck can hear and is just ignoring it.

 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” He takes a step to me but I grab another picture off my bureau and make to throw it at him so he stops. “Look, calm down.”

 

“No, I’m not going to calm down.” I’m so angry I’m shaking. “I told you I only bottom for Dean but I decided to give that you, and what do you do? You shove it back in my face as if it is nothing!”

 

“Keep your voice down there’s no reason to yell.” He pauses to see if I have anything to say to that. His eyes snap to my bandaged hand. “What happened to your hand?”

 

“It doesn’t fucking matter!” I snap at him, slapping a picture off the dresser.

 

“Okay let’s just talk.” He pleads.

 

I shake my head. “No, there’s nothing to talk about. You already made your decision clear enough!”

 

“J-Just listen to me.” Lucifer continues to beg but I don’t have any of it.

 

“I don’t care what you have to say Lucifer, it doesn’t matter anymore. So just go,” I look to the door. “Just g-” I’m cut off by Lucifer’s lips pressing against mine and warm hands cupping my face. It takes me by surprise but I immediately melt into it.

 

He finally pulls away and presses his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry.” He kisses my nose. “No more yelling, please.” His lips are on mine again and I find myself kissing back. We make out like that until Lucifer is the one to break it. “I’m sorry okay?” I don’t look him in the eyes, still feeling angry at him. Realizing I’m not going to be giving him a reply he looks around the room then says, “Let’s get this cleaned up.” He leaves through the still open door that Chuck could have walked by any minute while we were making out, then reappears with two trash bags. He hands me one then gets down on the ground to start picking up the pieces of broken glass carefully. I join him a second later. It’s not until five minutes later that Lucifer speaks up. “So, what happened to your hand?”

 

I don’t answer at first, fully planning on ignoring the son of a bitch, but fold. “I punched the living room wall after our fight, my knuckles were bleeding.”

 

“Did you clean them?” He asks and I nod. “Did you put ointment on to keep germs out?”

 

“No.” I answer.

 

Once we are done cleaning everything up with me picking up my cell phone which, surprisingly, didn’t have any damage except for the battery popping out, Lucifer grabs my elbow and leads me to the bathroom. “Sit down.” I do as I am told and sit on the toilet. He pulls out some ointment from the drug cabinet and unwraps my hand, throwing the bloody bandage away. He takes some tissue and spreads the ointment on my knuckles then bandages them. “There, now they won’t get infected.”

 

“Thank you.” I thank without looking at him.

 

He lifts my head with two fingers under my chin and I’m forced to look at him. “Anytime.” He kisses me again then gets up, leaving me in the bathroom.

 

I’m confused of what is going on. First Lucifer wants nothing to do with last night, now he is kissing me. I don’t get it and it’s making my head hurt. I finally move from my spot and begin getting ready for the NA meeting.

 

When it’s time for the meeting I decide to not have Lucifer come because Elijah is going to be there. As I pull up to the building I see him standing outside as others go into the small building. I greet him with a smile and he kisses me which drives guilt through my chest. He asks me what happened to my hand but I just tell him I accidently hit it against something. We walk in and take a seat, Elijah saying that at these meetings you don’t have to talk so he’ll just pretend to be part of the circle which I’m glad for.

 

It’s a man leading this circle. “Hello everyone, it’s nice to see you all today. Who would like to start us off?”

 

Some people go, one saying they are an alcoholic but also a drug addict, another saying they’re hooked on drugs and neurotic. One person even says they are hooked on chicken fingers and can’t seem to stop wanting to eat them. I finally go when chicken finger man stops talking. “Hi, I’m Castiel, and I’m a drug addict. I started because my boyfriend broke up with me and I needed something to take the pain away. Beforehand I already suffered from depression so him leaving left me lost and not knowing what to do so instead of dealing with it I took up the habit of getting high.” I look around the circle to see if anyone is going to stop me but they’re all looking at me with sympathy. “I’m currently trying to quit and I’ve only been drug free for a few days now but I’m getting there.”

 

“You’ll make it.” One woman says with a sweet smile.

 

A man speaks next. “Just take it one day at a time.”

 

I’m honestly a little shocked from the responses but they put a smile on my face anyways. “Yeah, thanks.”

 

One more person goes then we end for today. We all say goodbye to each other, some coming up to me and telling me good luck. Once outside Elijah turns to me with a big smile. “Well I guess I can say that went well.”

 

“Yeah.” I agree. “You know maybe this quitting thing won’t be so bad after all.”

 

“That’s good.” He stands closer to me. “What do you say we go back to my place and celebrate?”

 

The way he says it turns me on, though my mind is screaming at me not to do this to Lucifer. “What did you have in mind?”

 

“Oh I don’t know…” He pulls me into a kiss.

 

“I think I like your idea of celebrating.” I smile at him and we separate, getting into our vehicles and driving to his place. We aren’t even through the door yet before Elijah’s mouth is on mine, tongue shoving into my mouth, and the both of us stumble into his apartment.

 

I learn Elijah is _very_ noisy in bed, pinned underneath someone, and the sex was great. We both lie beside each other, breathing hard, when I start to laugh. “What’s so funny?”

 

I calm down but I still have a huge grin on my face. “Life is actually looking up.” I look to him to see him smiling as well. “The NA meeting was a success, I’m going to be kicking my habit of drugs, I have a great boyfriend,” Not even the guilt at my words could stop me from smiling. “and Lucifer and I are okay. Now I just have to work on Chuck and everything will be fine.”

 

“What about Dean?” He asks hesitantly.

 

“What about him?” I ask nonchalantly. “I’m over him, I don’t need him.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14:**

 

My greatest fear is being completely alone and having no one.

 

When I get home I’m met by Chuck screaming at Lucifer in the kitchen. “I can’t believe you!”

 

“Let me explain.” Lucifer begs.

 

I know I should just walk by and ignore their argument but it’s like one of those scenes that you want to look away but can’t. “I can’t believe you fucking cheated on me! What the hell happened to ‘you’re the only man for me’, huh?” Chuck screams. “I should have known this day was coming as soon as Dean left!” I know what they’re arguing about and it causes me to be frozen in place, mouth wide open. I’m standing behind Chuck and Lucifer finally sees me, eyes darting to me. Chuck turns around and I can finally see the tears streaming steadily down his beard. He walks up to me and I’m afraid he is going to punch me but all he does is slap me really hard against the cheek. “This is your entire fault, I thought you were my friend.” He turns around and makes his way to the arch leading to the stairs. He turns back to look at Lucifer. “We’re through Lucifer.” He then ascends the stairs.

 

I don’t dare say anything to Lucifer, afraid he might snap at me. He grabs a piece of paper and his car keys off the island, walks up to me, and hands me the paper. “We were invited to this. I’m not sure if Chuck is still going but there is going to be free beer so I’m going.” He then leaves the house and drives away.

 

I go slowly up the stairs, feeling really tired all of a sudden and void of any feeling. I close my door behind me and sit on the edge of my bed then read the paper. It’s inviting us to an annual town party that’s only held every twenty years. Most of the town’s people are invited. I put it aside to think about later.

 

I lie on my back but there’s a knock at my door so I sit back up. “Come in.” I say it lowly in hopes of whoever is out there can’t hear it and just walks away.

 

Unfortunately the door swings open and Chuck walks in, suitcase in hand. “I just want you to know that our friendship is over.” He then walks out and a lump forms in my throat. I hear the front door slam shut and Chuck’s car start up. I then hear the tires speeding away. I wonder where he is going and I figure probably a motel.

 

I swallow the lump and go back downstairs, opening the fridge, peering into it, then shutting it without taking anything out. The front door opens again and I turn around, half hoping it’s Chuck but it’s just Lucifer carrying a six pack. He places it on the island and opens it immediately. He pulls out two bottles and hands one to me, opening his with ease. I watch him as he wraps his lips around the bottle, pouring the liquid into his mouth and down his throat. He looks up at me.

 

“I saw Chuck’s car wasn’t in the driveway, he left didn’t he?” I nod to him. “Yeah, I told him the truth, I couldn’t keep lying to him.” I nod in understanding. “You going to the party?”

 

“You want me too?” I ask him as if getting permission.

 

He shrugs. “Eh, why not, you can ask Elijah to it.”

 

“What about you?” I don’t feel quite right asking Elijah to the party and have Lucifer go all alone when I could go with him.

 

“He’s probably going to be there so it would be better if you went with him than me.” He says.

 

“I can break up with him, then it wouldn’t be a problem.” I suggest.

 

“No.” Lucifer shakes his head. “Don’t break up with him a night before a big party, and who knows, maybe he’ll ask you? It wouldn’t be right for him to ask you to this party then you be all, ‘I’m sorry Elijah, but I can’t because I’m breaking up with you” then show up with me.” He attempts my deep voice but it’s not that great.

 

“Okay.” I say. “Is it formal?” He nods. “You going to be okay?” He smiles sadly at me, grabs another bottle of beer because he finished his other one, then walks away, going upstairs.

 

I go to my room and again shut my door. I dial Elijah’s number deciding to ask him to the party before he does. When he picks up and says hello I ask him right away. “You want to go with me to the town annual party?”

 

I can practically hear the smile. “Yeah of course.”

 

I can’t smile as well, however, feeling all kinds of wrong. “Okay, it’s at five o’clock so I’ll pick you up at four-thirty?”

 

“Yeah that’s fine.” You can tell he’s still smiling and he sounds somewhat relieved. “I’m glad you asked Castiel.” I’m sure he’s still worried about what Chuck told him and that’s why he’s acting like this. “I…” He hesitates.

 

“What?” I ask, my curiosity being sparked.

 

“I don’t want to weird you out.” He says.

 

I half smile. “You won’t, just tell me.”

 

“Okay but promise not to freak out.” He requests.

 

Now I’m getting confused. “I promise.”

 

He still hesitates and there is long silence before he talks. “I…” He takes a deep breath. “I love you.”

 

I’m shocked into silence. _Isn’t it a little early to be saying stuff like that?_ I think as my brain races to figure out how to reply. I’m almost positive he said it because he’s worried, worried I’m cheating, worried I’m planning on breaking up with him, and I don’t think he wants to be alone again, not this soon after we started dating. You can hear the worry, panic, and desperation in his voice and it sends so much guilt into my chest that I’m afraid I’m going to spill my guts.

 

“Castiel?” He asks and he sounds even more panic stricken. “Look it was way too soon for me to say that a-a-and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it.”

 

“No, no, no Elijah.” I stop him from hanging up the phone. “I love you too.” It’s not the truth but it seems to make Elijah happy, or at least shock him into silence.

 

“You do?” He asks disbelieving.

 

“Yeah.” I reassure.

 

He sighs. “Good. I’ll uh… see you tomorrow at four-thirty then.” He hangs up then and I fall backward on my bed, closing my eyes.

 

About a half hour later I wake up to a raging boner and Lucifer by my side, kissing the side of my face and palming me through my pants. “Lucifer, what are-” I gasp when he squeezes me.

 

“Shhh.” He whispers in my ear. “Let’s have some fun.”

 

That’s all it takes for me to kiss him back, our clothes being ripped off, and me pinned under the older man who is balls deep into me. Once we are done I snuggle up to Lucifer. “You going to be here when I wake up this time?”

 

“Yeah.” He kisses the top of my head and soon after I fall asleep to the devil’s steady breathing.

 

…

 

 

Lucifer was, indeed, beside me when I woke up. At the moment, however, he is helping me out with my tie since I suck at tying them and when I do eventually manage that simple task, it’s either backwards or crooked. Elijah called earlier asking if he could pick me up instead of me picking him up because before the party he had to go out and run some errands anyway and might as well swing by the house for me. I, of course, agreed.

 

The doorbell rings and I rush to open the door. Elijah, like me, is in a black suit with a white button up long sleeved shirt under the jacket. “Wow looking good, Castiel.” He kisses me.

 

I smile at him. “And so are you.”

 

He smiles back then holds out his hand. “Shall we?” I nod and take his hand. Elijah looks behind us when we descend the steps to the door. “See you at the party Lucifer.” I get in on the passenger side and Elijah drives to the party. Once there we go in, showing the person guarding the door our invitations.

 

It is packed yet my eyes land on Dean freaking Winchester right away. He looks absolutely hot in his all black suit, blue striped tie, and white button up shirt under the jacket. He’s currently talking to some old guy.

 

“Do you want to go say hi?” Elijah asks, gesturing towards Dean.

 

“Oh, no, no.” I shake my head. “I don’t want to do that to you.”

 

“What, you don’t have any more feelings for him right?” I nod my head. “Then what’s the harm?”

 

I roll my eyes and smile at him, kissing his cheek. “Okay.”

 

We walk up and wait patiently for a break in the old man’s speech, which Dean looks absolutely bored with, before I clear my throat. Dean turns to me and the old man walks away. “Cas, hey. I was hoping you’d be here.” He turns to Elijah. “Same to you Elijah, glad you could make it.”

 

“It’s a pleasure to be here especially with this young man here.” He nudges me and I smile, slightly embarrassed but happy.

 

“I’m sure I can find a way to embarrass the hell out of you and make you wish you never brought me.” I tease.

 

He leans in, mouths inches apart. “No matter what you do I would always want you here with me.” He pecks my lips. I feel pure joy and happiness course through my body at this man in my arms.

 

“I’m glad to see you two so happy.” Dean comments.

 

“Can I get you two a drink? I’m going to get white wine for myself.” Elijah asks.

 

“Yeah sure a beer please.” Dean says with a genuine smile.

 

“A white wine for me too, please.” I add my order and Elijah scurries off to get them. “So Dean, heard you broke up with Sandra.”

 

“That I did.” There’s something in his eyes, something seductive and pulling you in. “You’re probably wondering why.” I nod keeping my eyes on his. “You know me Cas, I don’t stay with women that long.” He leans into my ear but not before checking to make sure Elijah wasn’t around. “Besides, I want you.”

 

I gasp and take a step back. “Dean, behave yourself.” I tease with a chuckle. “I’m with someone.”

 

And as if on cue, Elijah shows back up trying to hold a bottle of beer and a wine glass in one hand and another wine glass in another hand. “Here you go Dean.” He hands him the beer bottle. “And here you go Castiel.” I take the wine glass and sip at the wine.

 

We talk for awhile until Chuck, who I figured wouldn’t be here, comes up to us. “Howdy guys.” He’s obviously drunk. “How are guys doing?”

 

“I’m good Chuck, good to see you again, been awhile.” Dean greets.

 

“That it has.” He stumbles but manages to stay upright. “Uh Dean, do you think you could give us a minute?”

 

He looks between the three of us then nods. “Yeah sure.” He walks away giving me a seductive smile.

 

Chuck then turns to Elijah. “So Elijah, I see you are still with the cheating bastard.” That statement gets me angry and my grip tightens on the glass.

 

“Chuck I honestly don’t know what your problem is, but Castiel already told me he didn’t cheat on me, so please whatever is going on, leave me out of it.” He tries to guide me away but Chuck catches his arms.

 

“Are you sure about that? Because I know for a fact that him and Lucifer have been fucking each other.” He says.

 

I step in between the two. “Okay that’s enough Chuck. You may have a problem with me, but don’t take it out on Elijah.”

 

“Why not Angel boy? Afraid he’s going to find out what a sack of shit you are?” Chuck insults and again my grip tightens.

 

Elijah pulls me away. “Okay, okay, guys. Let’s just not fight okay?”

 

“Okay sweetie.” Chuck says then grabs Elijah by the jacket and plants a solid kiss to Elijah’s lips. I’ve had it and I squeeze the wine glass so tight it shatters in my hand, causing everyone in the room to turn to me, Elijah successfully pushing Chuck off and attending to me.

 

I’m shaking with anger and don’t even notice the pain of glass in my palm and fingers or the blood dripping from the cuts. “Castiel, hey Castiel.” I’m giving Chuck a death glare. “Are you okay? Hey!” I finally turn to Elijah who is trying to get my attention. “You okay?” I nod and finally notice the music has stopped and everyone is looking at me, Dean and Lucifer are making their way to me, and Chuck is walking away. “I’ve got it.” Elijah tells the other two and leads me to the coat room.

 

He leaves me sitting on the bench while he goes to his car and grabs the first aid kit. When he comes back he kneels in front of me and begins to tweeze the small shards of glass out of my hand. “That kiss pushed me over the edge.”

 

“It didn’t mean anything you know. He was obviously trying to piss you off.” He says.

 

“Yeah I know.” I agree and flinch as he pulls a particularly large piece out of the center of my palm.

 

When he is disinfecting the area he asks, “He is lying right, about you having sex with Lucifer?”

 

“Yeah of course.” I look at him and see how sad he is. _He doesn’t believe me._ “Come on you believe me right?”

 

He doesn’t answer until he’s done wrapping my hand up in a bandage. “Honestly Castiel, I’m not sure if I believe you.” He gets up to sit next to me. “I just need the truth.”

 

“I did tell you the truth.” I claim.

 

He looks at me with pain filled eyes. “Just look me in the eyes Castiel, and please tell me that you are not sleeping with Lucifer.”

 

I can see some tears starting to pool in his eyes and that’s when I know I can’t look him straight in the eyes and lie to him. I look down to my lap. “I’m not.” I whisper but it sounds pathetic.

 

Elijah wipes his eyes. “You’re a terrible liar you know.” I don’t say anything and hear the man beside me sniffle. “You know it’s funny. I expected you to cheat on me with Dean… not Lucifer.” He wipes his eyes again and gets up. “I was really hoping we could have made this work, especially since you stopped talking about Dean all the time, but uh… I guess I was wrong.” He sniffles and wipes his cheeks to rid the tears that escaped.

 

“I guess you’re breaking up with me huh?” I ask.

 

I see him nod from the corner of my eyes. “Yeah I think so.”

 

I finally look at him. “I’m sorry Elijah, I really did like you.”

 

He attempts a smile but it comes out too sad. “I know.” He turns towards the door. “Can you get a ride from Lucifer or Dean or do you need me to bring you home?”

 

I shake my head feeling my heart break. “No I can get a ride, thanks.”

 

He nods again. “Bye Castiel.” And with that he walks out the door and I honestly feel like crying. All he has ever done was try and help me, make me happy, and be there for me, and what do I do? I throw it back in his face. I refuse to let any tears fall though.

 

I sit out there for a long time, staring at my lap when someone walks out of the room where the party has continued and sits next to me. I think it’s Lucifer until the person speaks.

 

“What are you sitting out here alone for?” Dean asks me.

 

“I don’t feel much like partying.” I say.

 

“Where’s Elijah?” He asks next.

 

I take a deep breath before saying. “He um… broke up with me.”

 

“Why?” Dean actually seems surprised.

 

“Doesn’t matter, I don’t want to talk about it.” Dean nods in understanding. “Dean, will you take me home?”

 

Dean looks to the door leading into the main room for the party. “Um… what about Lucifer?”

 

“He knows I came with Elijah so he’ll just think I went with him. I don’t want to ruin his fun by asking him to go home early, he deserves this after today.” I confirm.

 

“Okay, come on.” I follow the taller man out to his 1967 Chevy and get in.

 

“It’s been a while since I been in this car.” I state.

 

Dean smiles to me. “Yeah it has, hasn’t it?” He drives to Lucifer’s and walks me up to the door. “I’m sorry about Elijah, I know he made you really happy.”

 

“Thanks.” I stare at him and he stares at me, I turn and unlock the door and open it, I turn back to Dean and we stare some more, then there are lips on mine and we are stumbling into the house. We move, more like stumble, to the couch in the living room, Dean pinning me to the cushions. We rip each other’s suit jackets off and we don’t notice the front door opening, the sound of feet making their way to the living room, and then the complete silence of pained realization.

 

I hear the throat being cleared before Dean and my eyes snap open. _Oh no, oh shit, shit, shit._ I scramble to get up and I push Dean off of me who looks at me confused then turns to see the intruder with the pained look. “Oh sorry Lucifer, uh didn’t mean to do this on your couch it’s just we got caught up in the moment and-” Dean stops his rambling when he finally sees Lucifer’s face expression.

 

“You know Angel, I always knew this day would come, that you would crawl back to Dean, but I didn’t expect it to hurt this much.” He turns away and jogs up the stairs.

 

I scramble off the couch and go after him. “Lucifer.” The door is shut to his room before I get there.

 

Dean catches up to me and stops my fist short of knocking on the closed door. “Hey Cas what’s going on?” I look to him with panic in my eyes and shake my head, indicating that I can’t tell him. “You can tell me.” I know he’ll be pissed so I just shake my head again. Dean, losing his patience, knocks on Lucifer’s door. “Hey Lucifer what’s going on? Cas won’t tell me.”

 

“Dean please.” I beg.

 

The door to the bedroom swings open. I half expected to see Lucifer’s eyes red from tears but they aren’t. Instead there’s pure rage in them. “Angel and I have been fucking each other.”

 

Dean’s head snaps to me. “Is that true?”

 

“Dean let me explain.” I plead. He shakes his head and turns away, going back downstairs. I go after him when Lucifer shuts the bedroom door again. “Dean.” I get to him right as the front door is shut. I stand there, trying to calm my shaking and breathing. I then hear my bedroom door open. I go back upstairs and see Lucifer in my room, suitcase wide open, shoving clothes into it. “What are you doing?”

 

“What does it look like I’m doing?” He snaps at me.

 

“Are you kicking me out?” The thought scares me.

 

He closes the suitcase and picks it up. “What do you think?”

 

I look at him panicked. “Lucifer I have nowhere to go.”

 

He shoves the suitcase in my arms. “Not my problem.”

 

“But I don’t even have any money for a motel.” I say.

 

He gives me a hard stare. “Still not my problem.”

 

“Where am I suppose to go?” Tears start to well up in my eyes.

 

“Figure something out.” He starts to nudge me to the stairs. “Now go.”

 

I try to keep the tears at bay to not look like I’m trying that whole trick where you cry to get them to change their mind, but a tear slips through anyway. “But-”

 

“Go!” He yells pointing at the door.

 

I flinch at his aggressiveness and go down the stairs, carrying the suitcase in my uninjured hand. As soon as I’m out the door I turn around to try to get through to the older man but the door is immediately slammed shut. I finally let the tears free and I finally allow myself to shake uncontrollably. I finally allow my breathing to become labored, I finally allow myself to panic.

 

My greatest fear is being completely alone and having no one.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: When Castiel starts talking to his reflection it gets kind of disturbing so if you don’t want to read something like that please skip it. I don’t want someone to get offended because of it being quite disturbing.

**Chapter 15:**

 

Anxiety attacks, two words, not fun.

 

I’m banging on the door of the house, hyperventilating, and tears streaming down my cheeks. I start to shake and sweat like crazy, my heart beating in my chest so fast it feels like it’s going to explode. “Lucifer… please… let’s just… talk… please.” I yell as I gasp for breaths that I just can’t seem to get.

 

Giving up on the door because I feel like I’m dying, I set the suitcase down on the porch and open it. I dig through the clothes trying to find my anti-anxiety pills to hopefully stop the anxiety attack. There not there though and neither are my antidepressants. “Damn it.” I wipe the tears away and take deep breaths, trying to calm myself.

 

Two or three people walk by and give me weird looks but I don’t care, I just close up my suitcase and start walking away from the house. I continue to take deep breaths and it seems to be working. I stop crying, wiping the excess tears away, and just walk aimlessly. I have no clue where to go and I don’t have money for a motel. I could have taken my car but the keys are in the house with Lucifer. It’s pitch dark out since it’s late so I walk towards the center of town. It’s a long walk, and it’s very tiring so when I get there I find a bench and sit down.

 

The bench is facing an alleyway where I see two people conversing. They both hand each other something, one hands over money, the other hands over something shiny but I can’t make it out from where I am. I assume it’s a drug deal going on, however, because what would that person be buying with that much money?

 

I get up and cross the street to the two people. They both look at me as if they just got caught doing something illegal and I throw my free hand up in defense. “I’m not a cop. Just wondering if you have any more of that to spare?”

 

The two glance at each other. “You got two thousand dollars?” One of them asks.

 

“Two thousand?” I ask astonished.

 

“You got it or not?” The other barks.

 

“No not right now.” I answer.

 

The tallest one, the one that got handed the money, walks up to me and places a hand on my shoulder, snickering. “Well, when you do, come find me.” He starts to walk away and I turn around to stop him.

 

“I’ll get it.” I say. “Just give me time.”

 

He looks me up and down, sizing me up. “Okay, I’ll even give you a free little taste. You use it all?” He asks the other guy.

 

“No I was going to save it for later.” You can already tell the affects of the drug is taking over.

 

“Hand it over.” The taller guy demands.

 

The guy with the drugs holds the needle to his chest, protectively. “No way dude, this is mine I paid for it.”

 

“I’ll reimburse you.” He offers.

 

The other man shakes his head no. “I want my drugs.”

 

The guy gives him a small smile. “I’ll get more.” The man with the needle looks down at it then back at the man ordering him to give up his fix. He then reluctantly hands it over. “Besides, I’m not giving him the whole half, that’s a waste of my money. I’m only going to give him a quarter of it, just enough to see what it feels like.” He then turns back to me. He grabs my arm and lifts up the arm of the t-shirt. “Do you want your arm cleaned first or do you not care, some people are picky about that kind of thing.”

 

I shrug. “Doesn’t matter I guess.”

 

The guy chuckles. “Oh, it’s funny how you can tell who is new to this drug by needle thing.” He ties my arm off, finds a vein, then sticks the needle into my arm. I barely flinch from the prick then I feel the liquid entering my arm. The affects are immediate and I start to feel calm and relaxed, sort of drowsy. “Have you ever been high before?” I nod. “On what?”

 

“Antidepressants and pain killers.” I answer, smiling at him.

 

“Does it feel good?” He then inquires and I nod again. “Tell you what, next time I’ll give you a discount since it’ll only be your second time using heroin. Let’s say, $1,000 and when you get that money but you may not be able to find me, come to these alleys and ask for Corey Slaney, people here will point you in the right direction. I suggest you don’t drive anywhere as this stuff is supposed to make you drowsy, sleep, don’t want you getting in an accident if you’re going to be a future customer of mine.” I nod half listening because of the rush that is going through my head. “I’ll see you later kid.”

 

The two guys walk away, leaving me alone in the alley. I go back to the bench and sit down feeling my eyes droop. Corey didn’t give me much but since it’s my first time using that kind of drug it has wondrous affects on me. I lie down, resting my head on my arm and close my eyes, drifting off into sleep.

 

The next thing I know someone is shaking me awake. I look up at the officer, still high, and he says, “Sorry son you can’t sleep here.”

 

“I have nowhere else to go.” I try to explain.

 

He pats my shoulder then starts to walk away, calling over his shoulder. “Try a motel.”

 

I roll my eyes and get up, again walking aimlessly as the feeling of loneliness settles in my gut once again. I swallow the lump forming in my chest and I stop in front of a dimly lit shop, obviously closed. I look at my reflection and notice I look awful. I look tired, depressed, and strung out, but I can’t seem to care because all I can pay attention too is the tear that is currently rolling steadily down my cheek.

 

I look away from the dreadful reflection, shooting mental curses its way, degrading it as much as I can. There are barely any cars on the road and no people on the sidewalk so I assume it’s late. I walk up to some parking meters and search around for some quarters. I find a dollar worth but I had to search the ground around at least a dozen meters.

 

I go back to that shop and sit down against the glass so I wouldn’t have to see my reflection. I count the quarters a million times, debating on who I could call. Chuck and Lucifer are out of the question, Dean would probably hang up immediately, and Elijah would talk to me but wouldn’t offer me refuge. I sigh feeling hopelessness enter my feelings and honestly, I wish I could just die.

 

I don’t want to be alone and I know it’s my fault that I am but still… whoever wants to have no one in their lives? I’m completely alone with nowhere to go and no money, I figure if I wait long enough I’ll either die by starvation or an overdose. Personally I hope I die from starvation because at least that way it’ll hurt like hell, like a punishment for all the sins I have done as of recently. I smile at the thought then get back up; there is one person who may still be my friend.

 

I knock on Bobby’s front door and wait. Bobby is nice so I figure he’ll give a place to stay until I can get a job and get my own place. The older man opens the door and glares at me that causes me to flinch a little.

 

“What are ya doin’ here boy?” He asks me, looking my whole body over.

 

I hesitate, the look Bobby is giving me causing me to think twice. “I… am just wondering if I could stay here for a little while.”

 

His glare hardens even further. “Sorry boy but I don’t think so; Dean called and told me what ya did.”

 

“I don’t get it, what did I do so wrong? So what if I had sex with Lucifer a few times, it’s not like we were dating.” I defend.

 

“I think you should probably leave.” Bobby announces.

 

I shake my head no frantically. “No, Bobby please, I have nowhere to go.”

 

He gives me an accusing look. “Then you should have thought about that before you started having sex with three guys.” Then the door shuts.

 

“It was two for one, Bobby!” I yell through the door. “And what, it’s okay for Dean to cheat on me and not be judged for it but I do the same thing and everybody hates me!” I’m crying again feeling the panic rise up again. I take deep breaths and turn around, going down the steps with blurry eyes.

 

I stumble on the last step and sink down to me knees, curling up into myself and holding my head in my hands, forehead touching my knees. I cry loudly, not meaning too, but I can’t help it. It’s one of those cries where you take deep breaths and you can’t stop even if you try. I stay like that for a good five minutes, rocking my body back and forth, trying to calm myself the best I can. I take a deep breath and finally struggle to get up on shaky legs, feeling weak. I still can’t stop crying but there’s no one around so it doesn’t matter. It takes a while to get back to downtown. I go back to that shop and stare at myself through the glass. I stopped crying a few minutes ago and now I look even worse from before.

 

“You’re so worthless, do you know that?” I say to my reflection. “I hate you, I hate you so much because everybody else hates you, so why not me?” Another tear slips through my barrier but I don’t cry anymore. “You’re such a piece of shit, having sex with all those guys, you deserve to die. So why don’t you just go away?” I ask the reflection. “Why not satisfy everybody else and finally just disappear? Huh, you going to disappear you worthless piece of shit? You pathetic excuse for a human being?” I continue. “How you going to do it, huh? Going to slit your throat? Be quick that way but no you don’t deserve quick and easy you whore. You need to be killed nice and slow, messy and painful, you have to be punished for your sins you son of a bitch.” I’m getting angry. “So do it all ready, come on I’ll even do it for you!” I begin to cry again and I’m surprised I even have tears to spare. “You’re a little slut, no wonder why everyone wants nothing to do with you; you’re not worth their time.” I start to shake with the anger and pain. “Your evil, only evil sins, and you’re going to hell. I hope you burn in hell. I hope you’re tortured, carved into, ripped apart only to be put back together and have it done all over again for eternity. How does that sound slut? Of course you like pain right, so maybe that’s not good enough for you, want to test it, I’ll carve you into little bits. Maybe hang you by the throat because you’re a worthless whore that deserves to be treated like shit.” I continue to insult my reflection. “You’re a big ass faggot who shouldn’t be on this planet, who’s going to miss you, you dog? That’s all you are an animal in fact you’re not even a dog, you’re like a rat with some kind of disease, living in the slums, all slutty like. You going to get men to pay you for sex? Maybe you’ll even go for girls you worthless piece of trash.” I bite my bottom lip and it helps to stop my crying. “So just die already because no one wants you because you’re disgusting. Go die in some alley and make sure you leave a note to have your body just thrown in a dumpster because that’s the only burial you deserve.”

 

I finally sit down, feeling satisfied with degrading myself so much that I actually feel like all the things I called myself. I look at the quarters again then at the pay phone down the street. I get up, leaving my suit case behind and get into the booth. I dial the familiar numbers.

 

“Hello?” A tired voice answers the phone but I don’t say anything. “Hello?” They ask again, a little more alert this time around.

 

“Um…” It’s all I can say.

 

“Castiel?” Elijah asks. “Is that you? Why are you calling at two o’clock in the morning?”

 

“I just wanted someone to talk to.” I try to keep my voice from cracking but it doesn’t work out.

 

“Are you okay?” It’s funny that even after all I did to this man on the phone, he still sounds genuinely concerned.

 

“I’m fine.” I sniffle. “Just talk to me please? Let me know that I’m wa-” I cut myself off realizing how selfish that sounds. _That’s another thing you are whore, a selfish brat._ I flinch at my own thoughts.

 

“Oh yeah,” Elijah starts. “you totally sound fine.”

 

“No really I am,” I try to defend. “it’s just cold out.”

 

“Why are you outside at this time of night?” He asks, confused.

 

I made a mistake. I don’t want him to know Lucifer kicked me out. I’m not prepared to hear him agree with what Lucifer did and turn me to the street as well. “Just… Just because.” It’s a lame excuse.

 

“Come on Castiel,” The man on the other line demands. “Tell me the truth. I deserve that much.”

 

And there it is, the guilt trip that I was expecting. Now all I have to wait for is him to tell me that what Lucifer did was a great idea and that I deserve to be living on the streets, then hang up, leaving me all alone again. “Lucifer kicked me out and I have nowhere else to go… but it’s okay because I found this really nice shop and I’ll stay there tonight until I can find something else, so it’s okay.”

 

There’s silence and I’m almost afraid he hung up. “Why would he do that? You know what that doesn’t matter right now, where are you?”

 

“Why do you want to know?” I ask, feeling confused.

 

“Just tell me.” He says it in a demanding way but it’s soft and gentle.

 

“On Brooke Street.” I answer.

 

“Okay why don’t you come to my place.” I try to protest but he continues. “Actually scratch that, I’ll come get you, just stay there.”

 

“No Elijah.” I stop him. “Please don’t. I don’t mind sleeping on the streets,” _Because that’s where you belong._ My mind adds. “I just called because I wanted you to talk to me and let me know… I don’t even know.”

 

“Castiel.” He says sternly. “First off, I’m not going to let you sleep on the street, especially since there’s a storm coming.” I look up at the moon to see it covered in dark clouds. “Second, you are not worthless and unwanted, you understand me. Don’t you ever think like that again, got it?”

 

“But-” He cuts me off.

 

“Got it?” He says more forcefully.

 

“Yes.” I say quietly, though I don’t mean it one ounce.

 

“Now stay there, and wait for me.” He hangs up then and I walk back to my suitcase. I wait for about twenty minutes then Elijah’s car pulls up. It’s already started to sprinkle, indicating the storm is about to start. He drives us to his place and helps me bring the suitcase into his house. He makes up the couch for me to sleep on, gives me a cup of hot cocoa, and gives me the low down that if I touch his knives or go into his drug cabinet, he’ll know. He then says we’ll talk more in the morning and that if I need anything, his bedroom door will be open so just holler.

 

I’m lying there in the dark when a lightning bolt lights up the room, followed by a loud boom of thunder. It’s been about an hour since Elijah went to bed but the storm is just now starting. I push the blankets off me and sit up. I sit there and watch the lightning with fascination. I wonder if it’ll hurt to be struck by one.

 

It’s pouring out, sounding like it’s raining cats and dogs on the roof and the wind is blowing like crazy. Apparently the weather report said it is a severe thunderstorm with a lot of lighting and deadly wind speeds.

 

I get up and walk to the door, unlocking it slowly. I swing the door open and then the glass screen door. I walk out, getting drenched as soon as I leave the cover of the porch roof. I walk out into the middle of the road and look up at the sky, squinting my eyes just slightly to try to keep the rain out. I spread my arms wide like angel wings and yell at the top of my lungs, “Come on! Hit me! I dare you!” Lighting flashes above me. “Take me out of my damn misery, please!”

 

“Castiel, what in the world are you doing?” Elijah yells over the sound of the thunder and wind, running up to me. “Get back inside.”

 

“No!” I turn to him. “I need to die, I don’t deserve to live, I don’t deserve anything.”

 

“Yes you do.” Elijah grabs my arm but I pull it away.

 

“I don’t.” I take a step back. “No one wants me anyways, I’m a disgrace and no one will miss me.”

 

“I’ll miss you Castiel and I want you. Listen to me, I was never planning on staying away from you forever. I was hoping to be friends, please come back inside.” He begs and I can see how terrified he is.

 

His statement takes me off guard. “But…” I feel light headed.

 

“Castiel!” Is the last thing I hear as I fall into wet arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little fact about me: I have had only two anxiety attacks in my life and they were the most terrify things in the world. I literally thought I was going to die. You don’t want them if you’ve never had one.
> 
> Thank you for reading. :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like a cork screw… I keep on twisting and twisting until the whole thing comes undone.

**Chapter 16:**

 

I wake up in a puddle, on Elijah’s couch, with sunlight shinning in my face. My head is pounding and I struggle to sit up, feeling weak. I look around the room and find Elijah lying on the floor next to the couch, in his own puddle of rain water. He looks peaceful sleeping there so I watch him for a little while, not wanting to wake him up.

_So you going to be a pervert now, too?_ I think and look away, feeling ashamed. I get up, making sure to avoid the sleeping man, and walk to the cabinet. I get a glass out and run the faucet, filling the glass with tap water. I turn around and lean against the cabinet and sip at my water as I wait for Elijah to wake from his slumber. _You know this is the perfect opportunity to grab a knife and stab yourself in the heart._

 

I shake my head, clearing the thought out and ignoring it. I wouldn’t want to get Elijah’s floor stained with my blood. _Or maybe you can kill him, then he wouldn’t care._ I rub my eyes, frowning at my own thought, wondering how I could even think something like that. _It’s easy._

 

I dump the water and go sit back down. I then lean over and gently shake Elijah awake. The man groans and blinks one eye open then sits up completely. “You’re awake.”

 

I nod. “Yes.” He stares at me, trying to see if I’m okay. “What happened?”

 

“Uh… you fainted.” He answers. “You were like having an anxiety attack or something, hyperventilating and everything.”

 

“I…” I shake my head. “don’t remember having an anxiety attack.”

 

“Yeah well, a lot of things were happening then. It would be easy to miss it I suppose.” He looks away from me and to the kitchen. “Did you get up?”

 

“I got a glass of water.” I say truthfully.

 

He narrows his eyes and looks down at my arms. “Let me see.”

 

I roll my eyes. “I didn’t cut myself.”

 

“Let me see Castiel.” He says sternly and I show him my arms. “Strip.”

 

“What?” I ask in shock and astonishment.

 

“I’m not going to play this game with you, now strip.” I glare at him and get up taking off my clothes down to my boxers. Elijah clears his throat so I take the boxers off too. He looks all over my body, making sure I didn’t cut myself anywhere hidden. “Okay you can put your clothes back on.”

 

I turn back to him picking up my clothes. He’s beet red and looking to the floor. “Like what you see?” I tease but I don’t smile, I don’t have the energy.

 

He looks up at me with an angry glare and as soon as I’m fully clothed he begins digging into me. “What the hell were you thinking? Huh? Just going out there and getting yourself struck by lightning to get killed?” I don’t say anything. I just look him in the eyes defiantly. “Answer me!”

 

“Yes okay!” I snap. “I wanted to get myself killed and you wouldn’t allow me to go to your drug cabinet or your knife drawer so lightning was all I had left.”

 

“But why?” He’s angry and confused and it hurts me to see him this way. “I told you, you have me. I mean what the hell were you thinking? You’re not alone and you’re not unwanted. I already told you that. What did you do just ignore me?”

 

“You have no idea how I feel.” I say. “I just don’t want to live anymore Elijah, it’s too hard, it’s too painful. There’s nothing good in my life.”

 

He looks really hurt. “Aren’t I good. Damn it, Castiel, I try everything to help you and I’m still helping you even though you cheated on me because I care about you. So how can you say I’m not good in your life?” A tear slips down his cheek but he quickly wipes it away. “I don’t want to lose you.”

 

I bite my bottom lip to calm myself. “I hurt Elijah, every minute, every second of the day. I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost too many people.” _And it’s all your fault._ “Nothing helps. My antidepressant pills don’t help anymore, if they ever did. I think I just… covered it up, buried it within me but then Dean-”

 

He cuts me off. “Of course, Dean.”

 

It hurts how he says that. I don’t say anymore. I just look away and go back to the couch, lying down in the wetness that is there. I face the back of the couch, away from Elijah. I hear him sigh and walk away towards his bedroom then the door shuts. _You’ve lost him too, just admit it whore._ I squeeze my eyes shut, ignoring my thoughts that seem to have a mind of its own. I soon fall asleep.

_I’m running. Running down a long path, trees on all sides of me. I don’t know what I’m running from but I know I have to keep going. Run, run, run. I keep telling myself that over and over again until I reach a dead end, a brick wall of some sort. I turn around, scared, scared out of my mind._

_Chuck comes out of the trees, looking pissed. “You caused my relationship to start and you’re the one who destroyed it. I wish I never have even met you!”_

_Next is Lucifer, looking even more angered than Chuck. “You knew how much I cared about you, how much I loved you but yet you still almost went to bed with Dean after we fucked each other twice. You should have made sure you succeeded in killing yourself, you should have been dead instead of going to that psychiatric hospital!”_

_When I think it can’t get any worse, Elijah appears. He doesn’t look angry, just hurt and sad. “I loved you and I thought you loved me. How could you cheat on me? I tried so hard to give you everything but yet you still bed Lucifer behind my back.” His face now turns to anger. “If only I didn’t go to that bar that night, then I would have saved myself the trouble with having to deal with you pathetic piece of shit.”_

_My heart feels like it’s fallen to the other side of the world, and the heaviness of sadness and guilt is weighing on my chest too much to handle. I feel a tear slide down my cheek when the next person to step out is Dean. “No.” I beg._

_“Ah it’s you.” Dean begins. There’s a look of disgust on his face. “I loved you more than anything in this world but you couldn’t just accept that. You had to go push the marriage on me and then when I said no you couldn’t take that as an answer.”_

_I cup the side of my head in my hands. “Please stop.” I cry._

_“You’re a disgrace, a pathetic excuse for a human being.” He continues and every word digs into me painfully. “Your own mother even knew how worthless you were and got rid of you before she had any trouble. I bet your own father and brother would wish you weren’t around. It’s probably all your fault for their death. They probably got in that car accident trying to get away from you! You should have never been born Castiel and then all of us would have been saved!”_

_“Please stop.” I cover my eyes with my hands, wishing so desperately that I was somewhere else. “Stop it.”_

_I hear a click behind my head and the barrel of a rifle against my head. “I can help with that.” John’s voice says before he pulls the trigger._

 

My eyes snap open and I sit up in a cold sweat. My face is wet from sweat and tears, and my eyes sting from the tears as well. I rub my eyes trying to get them used to the dark. I slept for the rest of the afternoon apparently. By the looks of it Elijah’s still in his room but he must have come back out because there’s a blanket on me and a towel where he fell asleep on the floor.

 

I get up and see a piece of paper on the table by the kitchen area. I look it over and read. ‘Castiel, there’s supper in the refrigerator. Just heat it up in the microwave if you’re hungry.’ I’m not hungry so I set the paper back down and make my way to the bathroom.

 

I relieve myself and wash my hands in the sink, not looking myself in the mirror. After drying my hands off I go back to the sink and finally look at myself. I hate seeing myself staring back and I wish I was someone else. _Look how ugly you are, Castiel. You’re uglier than the ugliest thing on the planet. Don’t you think you should relieve the world of your ugliness and just… die?_

 

“Stop talking to me.” I say out loud and it takes me by surprised. “Wow Castiel, you’ve officially lost your mind, telling your own thoughts to stop talking. Good job.” I turn away from my pitiful reflection and go back to the couch. I can hear crickets outside and they’re sort of soothing. I don’t want to go back to sleep though so I just turn the TV on, turning the volume down as low as I can go but still hear it, and flip through the channels. I settle on an old Western movie. I don’t know what is going on because I came into it in the middle of it, but I don’t care. I don’t have the energy to care.

 

About ten minutes later I hear Elijah’s sheet move and then footsteps coming out of the room. “Castiel, what are you doing up?”

 

“Can’t sleep.” I say without looking at him.

 

Elijah stands there for quite a few minutes before plopping down beside me. “Mind if I join you?”

 

“You going to question me more?” I yawn.

 

Elijah watches as I yawn with a raised eyebrow. “Nope.” He turns to the TV. “You sure you don’t want to try to get back to sleep?” I nod. “Okay then, what are you watching?”

 

“Some old Western.” I answer tiredly.

 

“Hey come here relax a little.” He wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his chest. “You’re too tense.”

 

We sit through the rest of the movie in silence, my eyes steadily drooping. Soon my eyes are completely shut and I’m drifting off into dreamland, listening to Elijah’s heartbeat and steady breathing. The rest of the night I don’t have a nightmare.

 

I wake up in Elijah’s arms, the sounds of him snoring filling the room. He’s warm and I feel comforted by his touch. _He hates you remember. He wishes he never went to that bar and met you.”_ I sit up as if the guy burned me waking him up in the process. He looks at me confused. “Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting to wake up to such close proximities”

 

“It’s okay.” He stands up and stretches. “What do you want for breakfast?”

 

“I’m not that hungry.” I mention.

 

“You have to eat something.” He claims.

 

I shrug. “Yeah but…” _Starve yourself Castiel, go ahead, do it._ “Never mind, I’ll have cereal if you have it.”

 

“Yeah uh… I have _Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, um… Mini Wheat’s… Oatmeal._ Take your pick.” He says with a smile.

 

Seeing him smile causes the corners of my own mouth to curve up the slightest little bit. “I’ll have _Oatmeal._ ” I watch as Elijah makes two bowls of _Oatmeal_ , adding the water, mixing it up, then adding the milk.

 

Once he’s done he asks me, “You want to eat it on the couch or table?”

 

“Couch.” I confirm. I don’t feel like getting up. Elijah brings the bowl up to me and sits down himself, bringing the spoon to his mouth. I wasn’t lying about not being hungry, in fact my stomach feels a little upset, so I take small bites, making it look like I’m eating. “Elijah?” He hums to let me know he heard me. “Why are you doing this for me?”

 

“Because,” He looks at me with a warm smile. “It’s simple, you’re my friend and I’m not going to let anything ruin that.”

_He’s lying Castiel._ “Thank you Elijah. I appreciate it you know.”

 

“I know you do.” He nudges me playfully and I smile. “I just don’t like seeing you in pain like this.”

 

“You know,” I start. “You’re the only person who doesn’t hate me for cheating, and you’re the one I cheated on. How ironic is that?”

 

He doesn’t say anything for a long time. “We weren’t dating very long anyways and the time we did go on dates you would always find a way to mention Dean.”

 

I look at him surprised. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize I was doing that.”

 

“Eh… it’s okay, I didn’t mind much, I understood. It took me a while to stop talking about my ex too.” He says.

 

I look down at my cereal. “Elijah?” He hums again. “Am I worth something?”

 

He looks at me with sympathetic eyes. “Of course you are, all of us are worth something.”

 

“Then how come I don’t feel like it?” I ask.

 

He sighs and takes a bite of his cereal. After swallowing he answers. “Because you’ve been hurt and you’ve convinced yourself of that when really, you’re worth the world.”

 

I set my cereal down on the coffee table and pull my legs close to me, knees against my chest. “I don’t even think the world wants me.” Elijah sets his own bowl down and pulls me close to him, comforting me by rubbing my back and telling me to not think like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Promise the next chapter will be a little more exciting. This was more of an introductory/hinting filler than anything else.
> 
> Even so, I hope you enjoyed reading. :)


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17:**

 

I haven’t slept in three days, I’m too afraid too.

 

“I’m going to the bank and then the grocery store… want to come?” Elijah asks as he grabs his keys off the table. He stands by the front door, waiting for me to answer him. When I don’t answer he comes over, forcing me to look at him. “Hey, you want to come? You haven’t been out of the apartment for days.”

 

I look him in the eyes and see the frustration there. It hurts that I caused that frustration as well. “Yeah sure.” I say, though I’m only saying it to get rid of that awful frustration that Elijah has.

 

He seems kind of surprised but doesn’t elaborate on it. Instead he stands up and says, “Okay, I’ll wait while you get dressed.” I get up slowly, still feeling weak. I haven’t been eating much and when Elijah does ‘force’ me into eating something I take small bites. I then throw the rest that I didn’t eat in the trash. I’m sure Elijah knows about it but I really don’t care. “Maybe we can pick you up some more clothes since it’s obvious Lucifer didn’t pack all your clothes in that tiny suitcase of yours.”

 

I turn to him, slipping my shirt on. “I don’t have money.”

 

“That’s fine. I’ll buy them for you.” He says then walks out the door.

 

I rush over to him. “No Elijah, please don’t. You still don’t even have a job because where you went for an interview hasn’t gotten back to you. Please Elijah don’t buy clothes for me.”

 

“Castiel it’s fine, it’s not like I didn’t money before this.” He gets in the car and I follow suit, sitting in the passenger’s seat.

 

“That’s not the point.” He looks at me confused while he starts the vehicle up. “It’ll just make me feel worse because then I’ll be guilty about that.”

 

He backs out of the parking space and begins driving. “What do you have to feel guilty for? I’m offering it to you.”

 

“You’re too good, don’t you see, you’re the one that deserves to be hurt the most because you’re the one I cheated on. You should be the last person to want to talk to me and have anything to do with me.” I explain.

 

“Fine,” He says sternly. “If that’s what you think then leave.”

 

I flinch and I feel the tears swell in my eyes. I turn and look out the window. _You really messed up this time, bitch. I bet he’ll kick you out now. Here’s hoping._ I shut my eyes to rid me of that thought that just came out of nowhere. The rest of the drive to the bank and grocery store is spent in silence. I wait in the car when Elijah goes into the store, not wanting to upset him anymore.

 

After that, we pull out of the parking lot and drive. I think we are going home but instead he pulls in front of another store. “Come on get out.”

 

“What are we doing here?” I ask, confused.

 

Elijah chuckles, something I was not expecting at all. “Clothes shopping.”

 

“Elijah-” He cuts me off.

 

“For me.” He smiles and I know he is just playing me but I don’t have any more energy to do anything about it. We both get out of the car and walk into the huge building. “Come on this way.” We browse for a while but then Elijah holds up this silly T-shirt with a huge smile on his face. “How about this? Think it’ll look good on me?” I raise my eyebrows in a ‘are you kidding’ manner. He holds up another shirt that is even more funny than the last. “Or this one?” The corners of my mouth curve up in a small smile and I bite my bottom lip to stop myself from smiling fully. “Okay you don’t like that one, me too. But this one, I think is perfect.” The next shirt he holds up makes me chuckle. “Oh here’s one in pink.” He holds it up and strikes a pose. Now I’m just laughing my ass off. “I bet it’ll look good on you.”

 

“I doubt that.” I say through my laugh.

 

Elijah holds the shirt up to me. “Very handsome.”

 

I continue to laugh and swipe the shirt away. “Stop it.” I grab a random T-shirt, not even looking at the picture that is on it. “Here try this one.” I hold it up to his chest and we both immediately start to laugh when we realize what is on it.

 

It’s a picture of a woman in a bikini with the words below her ‘Hot for women’. “I don’t think so.” Elijah states through breaths. “Such a degrading shirt for women.”

 

“And,” I laugh. “You’re not hot for women, you’re hot for men.” I continue to laugh.

 

“Shut up.” He swats the back of my head. “It’s nice to see you laughing.” He turns away before I can say anything and starts to look at shirts that he may actually want.

 

I feel a little better so I search with him. _You don’t deserve to laugh, you poor pathetic excuse for a human being._ “Did you say something?” I ask Elijah.

 

He looks at me and shakes his head no. “Nope.” He goes back to scrutinizing a blue polo. I could have sworn that he said something. It sounded just like his voice.

 

In the end Elijah buys himself two polo’s, including the one he was looking at earlier, and manages to convince me to have him buy me a blue T-shirt, saying it’ll really bring my eyes out. _Like anyone wants to see your eyes._ “Why would you say that?”

 

Elijah turns to me, looking extremely confused as he hands the shirts over to the cashier. “Say what?”

 

“That no one wants to see my eyes.” I say.

 

“I didn’t say that, Castiel.” He confirms. “You okay?”

 

I nod. “Yeah I’m fine, it’s just me thinking.” He looks skeptical but turns back to the cashier and gives her the money to pay for the shirts. Once we are back in the car I say, “Thanks for the shirt Elijah.”

 

“No problem.” _But it is a problem, you should have continued to say no instead of taking my money. It’s bad enough you’re living with me and not paying half the rent._ “Anything for you.” He gives me a smile and I just nod then turn to look out the window. _But it’s getting to the point where I can’t do anything for you._ A tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away secretly. _Don’t cry, you cry baby!_

 

I look at Elijah but he shows no sign of talking. “So is that all we are doing?”

 

“Nope, we are now going to eat.” He says and I try to hide my alarm. “You won’t be able to throw most of your food away this time.”

 

“You’re evil sometimes.” I comment.

 

“You know you love it.” He smirks at me.

 

He pulls into a little restaurant and gets out, me following behind slowly. “I’m not that hungry Elijah.” I mention when we get seated at a booth.

 

“Too bad, you’re eating something.” He orders as he scans the menu. “I think I’m going to get spaghetti. What about you?”

 

“I’m not hungry.” I try again.

 

“Castiel, I’ll shove the food down your throat if I have too.” _And wouldn’t it be wonderful if that killed you?_

 

“Fine, I’ll get a hamburger. Happy?” I ask.

 

“If you eat it,” He begins. “then I’ll be happy.” I glare at him. “Oh don’t give me that look. I’m not going to let you starve yourself to death.”

 

“Why not?” I say it before I have the chance to stop myself.

 

“Are you seriously asking me that?” _You idiot._

 

“Um… well…” I don’t know what to say.

 

He puts his hands up in surrender. “Forget it.” The waiter comes over and we both order. We eat in silence and I know that I messed everything up with my statement. Though it being awkward, Elijah still keeps an eye on me and makes sure I’m eating. As soon as I took the first bite I realized how hungry I really was.

 

We’re almost back at the apartment when I finally speak up. “Elijah I’m sorry.” I don’t look at him, instead I continue to stare out the window. “And I know I’m saying that a lot lately, but I am. I’m sorry I said anything, I’m sorry I upset you, I’m sorry I cheated on you, I’m sorry-”

 

He stops me there. “That’s enough. Don’t torture yourself by telling me what you’re sorry for.”

_Go ahead continue cry baby._ “I’m sorry for ever meeting you only to cause you pain.”

 

“Castiel.” Elijah warns but I don’t listen.

 

“I’m sorry for even existing.” I continue.

 

“That’s enough.” He orders and silence descends on us again as we pull into a parking spot in front of his apartment. “I don’t want to hear that from you, you understand?”

_Listen to how I treat you like a little kid, Castiel._ “Don’t treat me like a little kid!” I yell and bolt out the door and into the apartment. I lock myself in the bathroom.

 

“Castiel, what’s wrong?” I hear him call. _Come out of there so I can slit your wrists._

 

“Just leave me alone.” I look in the mirror. _I’m going to kill you nice and slow because you’re not worth a fast death, you’re not even worth keeping around or being alive._ “Just shut up!” I punch the glass in the mirror, shattering it and cutting up my hand.

 

“Castiel?” I pick up the glass and stare at it. _Go ahead do it. No one will stop you. I want you to do it._ I place the glass on my wrist. _Just do it all ready, stop stalling._ I start to move it.

 

I only manage to move it half a centimeter before the door is slung open and Elijah is grabbing the glass and pulling me out of the bathroom. “Hey, hey look at me.” He cups my cheeks with both hands and forces me to look at him.

 

He wipes the tears away that I didn’t even know were falling with his thumbs as he searches my face. “How did you get the door open?”

 

“Paper clip.” He says simply then looks at my knuckles. He goes into the bathroom, the glass crunching as he steps on them, and gets the first aid kit. He guides me to the couch and begins disinfecting the cuts and wrapping my hand, once again, in bandages. “Castiel what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.” I claim.

 

“I wasn’t treating you like a child.” He looks me in the eyes. “What made you think that?”

 

I look away from him. “It was nothing.” I look to the couch where I’ve been ‘sleeping’ for the last few days. “I’m tired, can I just go to sleep?” I beg him with my puppy dog eyes.

 

He rolls his own eyes and sighs. “Okay, but we’ll finish this conversation in the morning.” I nod and lie down, resting my head on the arm rest. I really don’t plan on going to sleep though I really am tired. I don’t want to have more nightmares. I just shut my eyes until I hear Elijah walk to the dining table and sit down, going through some papers. For the rest of the night I just stare off into space, listening to my own horrid thoughts.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18:**

 

When you try to kill yourself and someone finds out, they never let you out of their sight.

 

“Elijah, I think I’ll be fine here alone for a few hours.” I argue.

 

Elijah’s eyebrows rise in a ‘yeah right’ manner. “Oh so you mean I won’t come home to find a dead body in my living room or my bathroom perhaps?”

 

“Exactly.” I claim.

 

“Can you guarantee that?” Elijah asks. “Can you guarantee that you’ll be here sober and not high out of your mind?”

 

I narrow my eyes. “If you give me a hug before you leave then yeah, I promise and guarantee it.”

 

“Oh so now you want a free hug?” Elijah says jokingly.

 

I shake my head. “Technically it’s not free because the cost to me is that I have to continue to live this pathetic, painful life.”

 

Elijah’s smile fades and he walks over to me. “Fine, here’s your hug.” He wraps his arm around me and pulls me into a tight grip. He then let’s go just as quickly. “I mean it Castiel, I want you here, sober and alive when I get home.” He walks to the door but then halts, door open half way. “And no cuts anywhere on your body, understand.” I nod. “I’ll be back soon. Oh and Castiel, since Lucifer didn’t pack your meds, I made an appointment with a doctor. You probably need another dosage or different brand anyway.” And with that he walks out the door.

_He’s trying to put you away in a psych ward, Castiel. You’re going to be locked up for the rest of your pathetic life._ “Shut up.” I mutter to myself. “Just shut up.” _Uh uh, no such luck Cassie._ I turn behind myself where the voice came from. “I-Is someone there?” _I’m here._ I back up to the door. _Don’t run away Castiel, we’re going to have so much fun._ I turn the knob on the door and quickly leave the apartment. I run out onto the sidewalk and try to calm my racing heart from fright.

_Don’t you hide from me Cassie._ I turn around. “Gabriel?” I look around, confused because I can swear I just heard Gabriel. _Don’t you remember that you can’t hide from me?_ I look down the street. “I’m going crazy. Gabriel’s dead Castiel, he’s not here.”

 

I start to walk down the street, looking at the ground, trying to ignore the different voices talking in my head. I manage to make my way back to that same shop that I insulted myself at. _That’s you, Castiel, take a good look at yourself because soon… you’ll be dead._ I hear in my head. I look away from my reflection and continue walking.

 

I have no clue where I’m going so I just walk aimlessly. “Excuse me sir, do you have any change to spare?” I turn to an old woman with her hand out to me. I still have two quarters left from when I called Elijah that night. I nod and give her the change. “God bless you, son. Thank you so much.” She then walks away and I watch her.

_You could be her, why are you pathetic enough to be depressed when at least you have a roof over your head._ I flinch at Dean’s voice in my head. _That’s why you need to die._ I cup the side of my head trying to clear my head. _Don’t ignore me Cas!_ I turn around to peer at Dean but no one is there. “D-Dean?” I ask hesitantly, looking around for the taller man but can’t find him anywhere. I rub my eyes and continue on my way.

 

I don’t want to go to the doctor. It scares me that he may send me to another psychiatric hospital. The place didn’t help in the first place, the thing that helped was having Lucifer and Chuck and mostly having Dean finally realize his feelings and getting together with me but now all three of them are gone. _And you caused it._

 

“Hey.” I turn in the direction of the person talking. “Hey, you get that one thousand you said you were going to get?” I’m looking at Corey, the drug dealer.

 

“Um… no not yet.” I say.

 

He looks shocked. “You ever?”

 

I shrug. “Maybe, I don’t know.”

 

“Well you told me you would. Didn’t you like it?” He asks.

 

“Yeah but, I don’t really have the opportunity to get that kind of money.” I explain.

 

“Why not?” Corey looks annoyed.

 

“Um… I’d rather not say.” I claim.

 

He looks at me closely. “So now you’re going to back out, when I gave you a free sample? I didn’t just give you that for nothing, I expected a thousand dollars in my hand.”

 

I back up slightly but then an idea hits me. “Well, if you’re angry at me and want to kill me go ahead. I won’t stop you.”

 

“I’m not a murderer, kid, but I definitely don’t appreciate being screwed over.” He says menacingly.

 

I take another step back and am glad that I’m on the sidewalk with other people than in an alley. “What are you going to do?”

 

Corey takes a step towards me. “That sample, I want money for it now, five hundred dollars. I don’t just give freebees out willy-nilly.” I nod. “So get my money that you just screwed me out of.” He then walks away and I breathe a breath of relief.

_Oh and I’m also going to rape your ass because you’re one ugly fucker and that’s the only way you’ll get anyway._ I spin around to face where Corey disappeared. He’s not there and I shake my head to clear it.

 

I start to make my way back to Elijah’s apartment. When I get there I turn on the TV and change the channel to the news. “On other news, a woman in her late forties was hit by a car earlier today. They say the woman was crossing the road when the car hit her. She is currently in the hospital in critical condition. The doctors are not sure if she’ll make it. The woman has been identified to be Suzanna Novak.” I immediately perk up.

 

“What?” I say to myself. “No, this is just my mind playing tricks on me again.” I hear the door open.

 

Once the door shuts, Elijah greets me by saying, “You’re here, I half expected you to be gone.”

 

“Elijah,” I turn to him. “My mother is in the hospital.”

 

“What?” He comes over to me, looking concerned.

 

I point to the television. “They announced on the news that she got hit by a car.”

 

“Let me see.” Elijah takes the remote and rewinds the TV.

 

I listen again. “On other news, a woman in her late forties was hit by a car earlier today. They say the woman was crossing the road when the car hit her. She is currently in the hospital in critical condition. The doctors are not sure if she’ll make it. The woman has been identified to be Jennifer Lora.”

 

“Castiel,” _What?_ “What are you talking about? They didn’t say your mother’s name.”

 

“I-I…” I trail off. “I must have heard wrong.”

 

“You okay? You’ve been acting very strange lately.” He asks and I nod. “You sure now?”

 

“I’m sure Elijah.” I smile to reassure him but it has the opposite effect.

 

“Okay seriously, what’s wrong?” I look at him confused. “You’re not smiling all of a sudden because you’re happy so that means you’re trying to cover something up.”

 

I shake my head no. “No I’m not.”

 

“Castiel, please let me help.” Elijah begs.

 

“What can you do?” _I can kill you._ “What can you really do to help me?”

 

He seems taken aback. “I… I can try to do something.”

_You don’t deserve my help!_ “I don’t deserve you to help me, Elijah, don’t you see that?” _I can help by putting you out of your misery!_ “Would you stop talking when I’m talking and let me explain?”

 

“I didn’t say anything Castiel.” He claims.

 

“You didn’t?” I ask.

 

He shakes his head. “No I didn’t. Did you just think that I did?”

 

I quickly deny it. “No, I was just saying in general.”

 

“And you expect me to believe that?” He says.

 

I shrug. “Well…” He looks at me, waiting for me to continue. “Kind of.”

 

“What’s going on with you, you’ve been strung out lately, I’m worried.” Elijah concludes.

 

“Elijah,” I begin, pulling him down to sit next to me. “Don’t be, I’m fine, just a little tired that’s all.”

 

He scrutinizes my face. “How much sleep have you been getting?”

 

I look away from him. “Not enough.” I look back at him. “I keep having nightmares, I don’t want to go to sleep.”

 

“Do you still have them when someone is with you?” He asks. I shake my head no. “Come on.” He gets back up and grabs my hand. He walks backwards holding my hand, into his bedroom. “Sleep in my bed tonight.”

 

“Elijah-” He cuts me off.

 

“Not as sexual, purely for you to get some sleep without nightmares.” He explains.

 

I give him a small smile and pull him into a hug. “Thank you Elijah, I really don’t deserve you.”

 

He hesitates. “Well… I um… care about you so…” He wraps his own arms around me and we stand like that for a while, just holding onto each other. I smell his cologne and close my eyes, savoring the smell. “We… we should probably get to sleep.” He pulls away from me but doesn’t look at me.

 

“Elijah what is it?” He doesn’t answer and just glances at me, giving me a reassuring smile. He then gets into his pj’s and climbs into bed. I follow after getting into my own pajamas. I crawl up close to him and curl up next to him. “Goodnight Elijah.”

 

“Goodnight Castiel.” He wraps his arms around me again and holds me close. He sighs and kisses the top of my head in a soothing way. “Sweet dreams.”

_Let’s see if you wake up in the morning._ I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to drown out the noise of Elijah’s voice in my head. _Tell me, Castiel, what if your mother did get hit by a car? Would you be so pathetic and stupid as to not go and see her?_

 

…

 

I wake up in Elijah’s arms and him screaming in my ear. _Wake up! Someone’s in the house! Quick get up, get out, leave._ Panicking, I jump out of the bed and run to the front door. “Castiel!” I hear behind me but all I can pay attention to is the voice screaming in my ears. _Run Castiel! Run!_ I run out into the street and the next thing I hear is the screeching of tires on pavement. “Castiel!” I feel strong arms wrap around my shoulders pulling me close in a protective embrace. “Are you okay, what the hell was that?”

 

I pull out of Elijah’s grasp. “I… I don’t know.” I admit.

 

Elijah looks around. “Come on, let’s get out of the road.” He drags me back to the safety of his apartment. “Okay, you’re really scaring me now, Castiel, you need to tell me what is going on.”

_Tell you tried to kill yourself again, go ahead, do it!_ “I don’t know.” I claim. _Damn you, you stupid shit! I said to tell him you tried to kill yourself._ I grasp my head. “I don’t know what it going on.”

 

“That’s not good enough Castiel because you almost just got hit by a car.” He pleads. “Please tell me you were not trying to kill yourself again.”

_Say you were or I’ll kill you myself you piece of shit._ “I… I…”

 

“You can tell me the truth.” Elijah states. “Don’t be afraid to lean on me, that’s what I’m here for.”

 

“I didn’t… I wasn’t… I swear Elijah.” I say.

 

“Then what was that because I’m really worried and scared right now Castiel and I need an explanation.” He says. “I deserve an explanation.”

 

“I don’t know what to tell you.” I answer honestly.

 

“Tell me something ‘cause I’m grasping on straws here and I’m reaching the end of my rope.” He explains. _I’m going to kick you out._ The voice sing songs.

 

“Wait,” I say alarmed. “You’re not going to kick me out are you?”

 

“What?” He looks confused. “No, of course not.”

 

“Listen,” I begin. “I just got spooked, panicked. I wasn’t thinking rationally.”

 

Elijah studies me. “Spooked by what?”

 

I’m not really sure how to answer this. What should I say? That I’m hearing voices? No I’ll definitely be sent to a psych ward then. “A dream.”

 

“I thought you didn’t get bad dreams when you are with someone?”

 

I shrug my shoulders. “I thought so too, but I guess not. Look Elijah, I’m sorry, and like I said before I know I keep saying that but I really am.”

 

Elijah seems to contemplate this. “I’ll make breakfast.” It kind of takes me by surprise that Elijah didn’t comment on the matter but on the other hand I’m thankful.

 

“You didn’t comment.” I observe out loud.

 

He looks up from where he is in the kitchen, grabbing eggs out of the refrigerator. “I didn’t have anything to comment on.” I nod and sit down at the table. I feel as if I hurt him somehow but I can’t think of how. Once he’s done making breakfast, which consists of eggs and bacon, he hands me a plate. “I’m going out.”

 

“Where you going?” I ask alarmed.

_Anywhere away from you._ “I’ve uh… got some errands to run.” He walks out the door. I find it strange that he didn’t give me any warning this time. He always does and now I know I hurt him somehow.

 

I dump my breakfast down the toilet, not touching any of it. _That’s my boy._ I go and find some paper and a pencil then sit at the table again. I begin to write a letter to Elijah.

_Dear Elijah,_

_I know you are trying to do everything you can for me but at the same time you insult me then deny it. I really don’t understand but it hurts that you are stringing me along like this. I feel like crap_ all _the time and I don’t know what to do. Honestly you’re the only reason why I’m a live right now, because you’re too stubborn to let me go. I know that’s because you still love me and care about me, I know that, and I’m sorry that I can’t give that love back, or at least the kind of love you want. I really do love you Elijah but just not the way you love me. In fact I’ve been thinking and I still love Dean. I always have and I always will. I wish I could get over Dean because then maybe the outcome of life wouldn’t look so bad. I wish I could love you and be with you and stop hurting you, I really do. Please Elijah, don’t take me being gone as a failure on your part because it’s not, it’s my own failure and I deserve this fate. I deserve you to hurt me the way you are. What I don’t deserve is you. So please, Elijah, I’m begging you, move on and find someone who will love you just as much as you love me._

_Love Castiel._

 

I reread the letter multiple times then crumple it up, shaking my head and throwing it in the trash bin. I go to Elijah’s check book and write out a thousand dollar check, forging his signature. I then go out and make my way to a random alleyway. It doesn’t take me long to find Corey. “Hey I got your thousand.”

 

“You.” He walks up to me. “So what you paying me five hundred extra?”

 

“No, this is for the drugs, I want more.” I claim.

 

A wicked grin forms on his mouth. “Very well, let me see the money.”

 

“It’s a check.” He grabs it out of my hand and looks it over. “Come on I really could use it right now.”

 

“You look tired.” He observes.

 

“Are you going to give it to me or not?” He smiles again then grabs my arm, tying it off.

 

He turns to the group of people that are passing a needle around. “Let me see that.” Some woman hands him the needle and he fills it again with the heroin. He sticks the needle into my arm and the effect is immediate. “Well?”

 

I nod my approval. “Nice, thanks.”

 

“No problem, kid. Come back again whenever.” I nod again and walk off.

 

I make it back to the apartment before Elijah comes home. In fact he doesn’t come home until late, around 7:00pm, and I’m on his bed sleeping because of the drug putting me to sleep. “Castiel? Hey wake up.” I groan and ignore him. “Castiel, come on I’m tired. I want to go to bed.”

 

“So?” I ask, not even trying to hide that fact that I’m high.

 

I can practically feel Elijah’s disappointment and it makes me want to get even higher. “Are you high?” I don’t answer. I feel him lift me up into a sitting position and I groan. “I can’t believe you.”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I say, half asleep and falling back into dreamlessness.

 

Elijah crawls in beside me. “Yeah so I’ve heard.” I hear him sigh.

 

I scoot up close to him and curl in again his chest. “Hold me?”

 

“Castiel I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He protests.

 

“Please?” I beg. “Just hold me.” He sighs again and then I feel these arms wrap around my waist. I bury my face in his chest, breathing in his scent. “Don’t let go, please don’t let go.” I continue. “Don’t leave me.”

 

He squeezes me closer. “I won’t leave you Castiel, I’ll never leave you.” I feel him kiss the top of my head before I fall asleep again only to wake with him not beside me and his spot cold as ice.

 

I get up and walk out of the bedroom to the kitchen where Elijah is sitting with a piece of paper in his hand. Once he senses me he looks up from the paper. “Is this a suicide note?”

 

“What are you talking about?” He looks sad and worried. He holds the paper out to me and I take it, turning it around to read. It’s the letter that I wrote yesterday. “No it’s…” I trail off not knowing what to say.

 

“What do you mean I’ve been insulting you Castiel?” He asks. “And don’t, don’t give me some bull shit lie, tell me the truth.”

 

I don’t look at him. “I mean exactly what it says.” I finally look him in the eyes. “You’ve been insulting me lately.”

 

“No, no I haven’t.” He denies. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Don’t deny it.” I say. “You know exactly what you’re doing.”

 

He doesn’t say anything for a long time, just sits there looking at me in deep thought. “Get ready to go, you have a doctor’s appointment today.”

 

“It’s today?” I ask.

 

“I made it this morning after reading this.” He gets up and walks to his bedroom. “Get ready, it’s in an hour.”

 

I’m stunned but I get ready anyways and soon enough we are being called into an examination room and I’m being poked, pronged, and asked questions. The doctor eventually comes back with my results. “Okay Castiel by how you answered the questions and the times you described I would have to say you have psychotic depression.” He starts to explain all the things about the depression but I toon him out, listening to the voice in my head. _Now they’re really going to send you away, lock you up like you’re some lab rat. I guess it’s a good thing you are._ “Okay Castiel?”

 

I look at the doctor confused. “What?”

 

“We are going to admit you to psychiatric hospital for treatment.” The doctor answers.

 

I shake my head wildly. “No, no you-you can’t send me back there. Elijah don’t send me back there.”

 

“Without proper treatment your diagnosis will get progressively worse. You’re losing touch with reality, Castiel, you need a safe environment to get treated and better.” The doctor explains.

_See what did I tell you, I’m going to send you away for good._ I look to Elijah. “Why are you sending me away?” _I’m never going to go and see you ever again._

 

“Castiel, don’t worry I’ll visit you.” He reassures.

 

“But you just said that you wouldn’t.” I claim.

 

Elijah looks at the doctor. “When do you want him to check in?”

 

“Immediately.” He says. “Today if it’s possible. In fact we’ll bring him down. You just bring his stuff if that’s okay.”

 

Elijah looks at me again with sympathy and then nods. “Yeah.” He walks up to me. “The doctors are going to bring to the hospital okay. I’ll be there shortly.” I shake my head but all it causes Elijah to do is smile sadly at me.

 

The trip isn’t that long, in fact it seems shorter than when I first went to this place all those years ago. The doctor is checking me in when Elijah walks in. “Elijah please, don’t leave me here. I’m sorry okay, I’m so sorry please.” I beg.

 

“I’m sorry Castiel but you need more help than I can give you.” Before they send me to the evaluation room, almost identical to the one that I was in when I was seventeen, Elijah comes up to me. “I’ll visit every day, okay?” He grabs me and pulls me into a hug.

 

“Why are you doing this?” I ask.

 

He pulls away. “It’s for your own good Castiel, I promise.” He smiles weakly at me and then the nurses shuffle me into the evaluation room, shutting the door behind me.

_Oh, we are going to have a lot of fun here, hehehehe._


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19:**

 

I’m stuck in the isolation room with different voices for hours before someone finally comes in to explain to me about my new medication. The man tells me that my antidepressants are going to be switched to a different brand and I’m going to be taking different dosages to see which one works. I’m supposedly starting with a low amount. I’m also going on antipsychotic pills along with sticking to my anti-anxiety pills. I’m not suppose to take as much anti-anxiety pills however because of the fact that I’m taking two other pills as it is.

 

A little later they bring me something to eat. I don’t touch any of it, the voice saying that they’re trying to poison me. _Why aren’t you eating it? If you do you’ll die. That’s what you want right?_

 

I curl on the bed that is in the room and shut my eyes tightly. _You know, I bet your mom would be so disappointed to hear you’re back in this place._

 

“Shut up, you know nothing about my mother.” I say out loud.

_Don’t I?_

 

“I said be quiet!” I yell and cover my ears with my hands. I don’t sleep for the rest of the night.

 

Someone comes for me in the morning and leads me to a small room. “I looked at your file, Castiel.” The nurse says looking at me. “It said that you’ve been here before.” She waits to see if I’ll respond but I don’t. “Before, you were in a different wing of the building, a section dealing with depressed and troubled teens and adults. This time you’re in the section that deals with teens and adults with mental diseases, like, for example, you with your psychotic depression, um… people with schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder.” _They stuck you with the freaks. I guess you’ll fit in nicely._ “Unlike last time you were here, you won’t have a roommate. With patients that have these diseases we believe we should keep them in separated rooms, that way if things become too much for them they have a secluded place they can go for privacy.” She looks at me hopeful. “Do you understand?”

 

“Yeah.” I say quietly.

 

“You’ll be seeing your therapist at four. Please go to your sessions Castiel, they’ll help. I know you didn’t go very often before. Oh and Castiel, gets some sleep. You being awake twenty-four-seven will only make the voices worse, okay?” She then leaves me to myself in my room.

 

I shut the door behind her and walk to my bed. I sit down and bounce a little, feeling how lumpy it is. “Great.” I say to myself. _Hey, at least it’s not Hell._ I roll my eyes.

 

I stay in my room for the rest of the day, only coming out to eat lunch. I’m going to be starting my treatment in the morning so they don’t give me any medication yet. I don’t sit with anyone either. When four comes around I fully plan on skipping my therapy session but the therapist comes to my room and knocks on my closed door.

 

I open it and look at the woman in front of me. She’s shorter than me. “Hello Castiel, I’m Dr. Mills. Shall we go to my office?” I follow reluctantly. Her office is light and welcoming, not like Balthazar’s all those years ago. I sit down in the chair that is in front of her desk while she sits behind her desk. “So tell me about yourself Castiel.”

 

“Don’t you already know about me?” I challenge.

 

“A little.” She says. “But only seventeen years old you, I want to know twenty-one years old you.”

 

“Not much has changed.” I claim. _Tell her about you cheating, come on tell her._ “Just, I was fine for a while there, but then…” I trail off. _Come on Castiel, just tell the bitch!_

 

“Do you know what caused your relapse?” _Ooh, ooh, tell her, tell her._

 

“Um…” I hesitate. “I uh… I’m pretty sure it was because of my boyfriend leaving me. He’s what got me through the first time, then he breaks up with me and everything changes.” _Get to the good part, you know, where you cheat._ She nods. “Don’t you have to write this down?”

 

“I have a pretty good memory. I write all my notes after the session.” She explains. “I feel as if it’s less intimidating if I’m not writing every time my patient talks.”

_Well isn’t she a gem?_ “Well I’m kind of complicated, you should probably write while listening.”

 

“Complicated is fine.” She says. “Now, Castiel, let’s get back to you.”

 

The rest of the session goes by smoothly and an hour later she lets me go. I go back to my room, ignoring the stares I get from being a new person. When I get back to my room I just read some of the books Elijah brought over when he brought my stuff. He didn’t come today and it kind of bums me out.

 

There’s a knock on my door and a nurse walks in. “Castiel, I thought I should tell you that you had a visitor today. Visiting hours were already over but he said he’ll come back tomorrow earlier in the day.” I nod my thanks. “Get some sleep honey, you look tired.” She then walks away.

 

I don’t do what she says. I stay awake for the whole night. I have breakfast and my first dosage of my new antidepressant and antipsychotic medication in the morning along with my anti-anxiety pills. After breakfast one of the nurses gets me and brings me to the visitor room.

 

All it is, is a big room with multiple tables. There are some other people sitting at the tables visiting family and friends. I look around the room and see Elijah sitting at the table the nurse is guiding me too. Then my eyes land on the other person sitting next to him.

 

“Hey Cas.” Dean greets when I’m close enough.

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” I ask in shock.

 

“I-I called him.” Elijah steps in. “I asked him to come.”

 

“Why?” I ask. “I don’t want him here.”

 

“Oh thanks Cas.” Dean says, annoyed.

 

Elijah shrugs. “I thought he could help.” He smiles at me. “So I’ll uh… leave you two to talk things through. I’ll be back later, okay Castiel?” He turns and starts walking away before I have a chance to protest.

 

“Shall we sit?” I hear Dean ask. I look at him then to the chair that I’m standing next to. I sit down and Dean sits across from me. “So, you’re back here.” I nod. “I hear you’re in a different wing this time. Psychotic depression?”

 

“Yeah I guess so.” I admit, avoiding eye contact.

 

“Why?” I look at him confused.

 

“What do you mean why?” I ask.

 

He shifts in his seat. “Why are you like this?” I don’t know what to say but Dean continues before I can say anything anyways. “Depressed and now you’re hearing voices.” _He could win an award for being the biggest dick in the world. What do you think?_ “I don’t get it.” He claims.

 

“How can you not?” I say simply. “Everybody left me.”

 

“But the psychotic part, what the hell brought that on?” He asks and I shrug. “Cas, look, I’m not trying to be a dick here.” _Oh but you are. Of course this guy here deserves it so carry on Dean._ “I’m just trying to understand. I just really want to understand.”

 

I look at him. “I don’t know how to make you understand Dean.” _Try research._ “It’s hard to explain.”

 

“Try.” He pleads.

 

“I can’t Dean, I’m sorry.” I whisper.

“Stop saying that.” I flinch and look away from him. “Just stop saying you’re sorry all the time because you’re not. If you were sorry you wouldn’t have done any of the things that you have done.”

 

“They were mistakes Dean. We all make mistakes.” I point out. “I mean, you’ve made plenty of mistakes. I don’t get it Dean, how is it okay that you cheated on me but when I cheat on Elijah with Lucifer, I get condemned for it? Explain that to me.”

 

He shakes his head. “I wasn’t condemning you for cheating on Elijah, hell, God knows I’ve cheated on enough people, you included. What I am angry about, Cas, is the fact that you slept with Lucifer.”

 

“Why? Because you hate him?” I try to keep my voice calm.

 

“Yes.” He says angrily. “But it’s not just that Cas. How the hell long did you have those feelings for him?”

 

“What are you talking about?” I ask, confused.

 

“What about all those times I asked you if Lucifer was interested in you back when we were teenagers?” He says.

 

“How was I suppose to know, he didn’t say anything.” I defend. “He told me I was like a brother to him.”

 

“Because he knew you loved me but is that even true?” I look at him confused. “Did you have feeling for him back then too, when you were dating me?”

 

“Why does it even matter?” I ask. “You were dating Lisa at the same time as me.”

 

Dean looks angry. “You didn’t answer the question.”

 

I shake my head in annoyance. “No, Dean. That’s what I told you then and I meant it just like I mean it now. Damn it Dean, what happened was just lust, it didn’t mean anything.”

 

“But it meant something to Lucifer.” He counters.

 

“Oh so now you like him?” I joke.

 

“Don’t be that way. I don’t give a rat’s ass about Lucifer, but playing with someone’s feelings like that, that’s cruel.” He points out.

 

“Like you played with my feelings three and half years ago.” He looks confused. “Kissing me then saying that it didn’t mean anything, going out with Lisa, breaking up with me more than once, not turning in your father.”

 

“Hey, you can’t use me not turning in my father against me,” He begins. “when you didn’t turn your mother in. She’s still out there, running loose while my father’s in jail. So don’t you dare say that.”

 

“My mother didn’t try to kill me.” Dean clenches his teeth together and gets up. He turns to walk away. “I hate you.”

 

He stops in his tracks and turns to look at me again. “What?”

 

“I hate you.” I repeat. _There you go._ “I hate you so much Dean but then again I love you. How is that possible?”

 

“If you think saying that is going to get me to… I don’t know. Then think again.” He starts to walk away again. “Go to hell Cas.” He calls over his shoulder.

 

I sit there just staring at the table in my own void. I feel numb and slightly sick. A nurse guides me out of the room. She tells me I can go get lunch but I don’t. I just go back to my room. Sometime later another nurse comes, telling me that I have another visitor. I know it’s Elijah before I even get to the room.

 

I sit across from him. “How’d things go with Dean?” He asks hesitantly.

 

I don’t look at him. “You shouldn’t have brought him here.”

 

“That bad huh?” He asks. “Castiel I’m sorry.” I look at him angrily. “Don’t give me that look.” I get up and turn around to leave. “Wait a minute, no don’t be mad at me.” I turn around to see him stand up and round the table to stand in front of me. “You have no right to be mad at me. I was just trying to help.”

 

“Well good job at that.” I say.

 

He nods, looking pissed. “You know, I wasn’t going to say anything but what the hell, apparently you want to be mad at me.” I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion. “You stole from me, right?” Realization forms its way onto my face.

 

“Elijah-” He cuts me off.

 

“No you don’t get to say anything unless I ask you something.” He says angrily. “What the hell did you use one thousand dollars on?” I shake my head in a way of saying you don’t want to know. “Answer me.”

 

I look to the floor. _Oh now you’re going to get it._ “Drugs.” I say quietly.

 

“Drugs.” He shakes his head. “Typical.” He starts to walk away and I finally look up at him.

_Now you really are going to be alone. Well, except for me of course._ I run after him. “Elijah wait.” I grab his arm.

 

He spins around to face me. “No, Castiel, I have had it up to here with you.” He brings his hand above his head. “I can’t do this anymore, I’ve had enough.”

 

“Elijah no.” I grab his shirt in both my hands, burying my face in his chest. “Don’t say that, not you, please not you.” _Yes him Castiel._ “Please not you too. Don’t you say that, of all people don’t you say that.” I shake from my sobs.

 

I feel Elijah’s body relax and a hand rest on my back. “Okay Castiel, I’m sorry. I’m not going to leave.”

 

I push away from him, sniffling. “Promise? I can’t lose you too, you’re all I have left.”

 

He smiles at me, reassuringly. “I promise. It’s just I’m stressed. I didn’t get the job, I’m down a thousand dollars,” I look to the floor in shame. “I’m trying to help you but I don’t know how and I feel… powerless.” I look at him again. “I hate not being able to help you.” He avoids my eyes.

 

I lunge at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and catching the man off guard. “It’s okay Elijah. You being here helps and I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking when I took the money, I’m so sorry. I’ll pay you back someday, I promise.”

 

I feel him shake his head as he wraps his own arms around my waist. “No, it’s okay, you don’t need to pay me back.” I bury my face in his shoulder. “It’s okay Castiel, I’m not going anywhere.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20:**

 

_Castiel? Castiel? Come on wake up. Wakey, wakey. Are you going to have me wait here all night for you to get up? Come on all ready. Just wake the hell up. I swear if you don’t wake up in the next five seconds, I will blow your brains out._

 

I shoot upright. _That’s better._ I look to the clock and it reads 2:30… in the morning. I fall back down to my bed, sighing. This is the seventh night I’ve either been woken by the stupid voice in my head or woken by a nightmare. _Let’s do something, Castiel. Come on, I want to do something._

 

Elijah has been visiting me every day but today he has another job interview. I don’t know if and when he’s coming today. _Castiel, don’t be mean to me. I want to do something. Come on already!_ I cup my head and squeeze my eyes shut. “Shut up please.” I whine out loud though there’s no one to hear it.

 

I stay awake for the rest of the night and go down to breakfast feeling exhausted. I eat slowly, not feeling hungry at all, but then there’s a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see one of the nurses, blonde with black square glasses. “You have a visitor Castiel.”

 

She leads me to the visitor room and to the table where Sam Winchester happens to be. I sit down across from him. “Sam?” I ask hesitantly.

 

“Hey Cas.” He gives me a warm smile.

 

“What are you doing here?” I’m suspicious, ready for Sam to chew me out like everyone else.

 

He shrugs. “Visiting a friend.” He’s gotten fairly large over the years, legs growing longer, torso growing more muscular, voice much deeper. He’s now even taller than Dean.

 

“Why?” I inquire.

 

He huffs. “I can’t visit my friend.”

 

“Not when I piss off your brother.” I claim.

 

Sam chuckles. “Nah that really doesn’t matter when it comes to visiting you.”

 

I shake my head. “It still doesn’t make sense though, won’t Dean get mad at you for being here?”

 

He smiles again. “If he does he does.” I’m a little shocked to be honest. “How are you Cas?”

 

“I’m… good, I suppose.” I answer, looking at him suspiciously. _He’s playing you Castiel, he doesn’t actually care._ “Why do you care?”

 

“Care about what? How you’re doing?” Sam looks slightly confused.

 

I shake my head. “No, about me in general.”

 

Sam looks lost for words, like he can’t believe that I just asked such a question. “Um… you’re my friend, of course I’m going to care about you.” I leave it at that. “How is it here?” I shrug. “Is that the only answer I’m going to get?” I nod. “Okay, then…”

 

He trails off so I ask my question next. “How’s Dean? Last time we talked we didn’t leave on good terms.”

 

Sam looks like he doesn’t want to answer, as if he’s suppose to keep it a secret. “He’s… been… quite broken up.”

 

“What do you mean?” I ask.

 

Again Sam hesitates. “Well, when he left you I thought he was never going to come out of his room, then he started dating that chick, what was her name, Sophie, Sarah-”

 

“Sandra.” I say but he ignores me.

 

“Doesn’t matter.” He continues. “Which that was weird in the first place, because Dean does not date, except for that Lisa girl back in high school and then you.”

 

“Okay.” I say to let him know I’m following.

 

He nods. “You could tell he was miserable in that relationship and he may not have admitted it, but I’m sure he only got with her because in some weird way she reminded him of you.”

 

“Really?” Sam doesn’t seem to hear me as he continues with his rant.

 

“And then he found out about you and Lucifer, wow you… you should have seen how pissed he was. I mean he was raging, it kind of reminded me of Dad.” Sam says sadly.

 

“And my mom.” I add, feeling a pang of sadness that I caused that side of Dean to come out. I know firsthand Dean can be violent, but he can be really sweet too.

 

“He was so excited to try and steel you away from Elijah, and then he’s crushed.” Sam says more to himself than me.

 

“If this is your way of trying to cheer me up? It’s not helping.” I tell him.

 

Sam snaps back to reality. “Oh, sorry. Anyways, after his visit here, he seems even more in the dumps. Of course, he tries to hide it from me which makes it obvious something’s wrong.”

 

I look at the table. “No I just feel like even more crap.”

 

“Listen Cas,” I look up at the taller kid. “Not everything’s your fault. There are others to blame.”

 

I shake my head in disagreement. “No, everything is my fault. I’m the one who pushed the marriage, I’m the one who walked out that night, I’m the one who cheated on Elijah with Lucifer and caused Chuck to get angry at me, I’m the one who…” I can’t finish without swallowing the lump in my throat. “Who had Dean bring me home and kiss him and almost have sex with him only to have Lucifer walk in. I’m the biggest screw up, so don’t tell me that not all of it is my fault, because every single thing that has happened, is my fault.” By the time I’m finished, I’m looking at the table, feeling numb and like I’m going to cry but I hold it in. I don’t want to cry in front of Sam.

 

Sam looks sorry and sympathetic. I don’t understand how he can even feel sorry for me. I don’t deserve it, I know that much. “Dean is the one who cheated on you, Dean is the one who kept saying no, Dean is the one who walked out last, Lucifer could have said no, Dean should have known better.” I look at him surprised. He just went through my list and told me what the other’s did or could have done. “So tell me, how is it all on your shoulders?”

 

I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure if I really agree with Sam but then again could he have point. _No he’s wrong. Why do you think Dean had that urge to cheat in the first place, causing this whole domino effect?_ My hopes are lost. “Because I must have done something to cause Dean to cheat on me and then causing this whole domino effect.”

 

Sam looks taken aback. I think he probably thought he won. “That was just Dean being Dean and not being able to stop old habits.”

 

“I doubt that.” I say under my breath but Sam hears anyway.

 

“Don’t say that.” I look at him. “You are not the reason Dean cheated on you. What reason would he have, you’re great.” I shrug. “See, he didn’t have a reason except being his dick self.”

 

“Yeah but still, I can’t blame Dean or Lucifer for my faults.” I defend them. “I have to be punished for what I’ve done.”

 

“And they don’t?” Sam asks. I don’t say anything. I’m tired of having this conversation because no matter what Sam says, I’ll always blame myself the most. I hear Sam sigh and I look up to him. “Look, Cas, I have to go.”

 

“So soon?” I ask before he can explain.

 

He sighs again. “It’s a school day. Sorry Cas, maybe I’ll be back another time.” He gets up and starts to walk away but stops in his tracks, looking over his shoulder at me. “I applied to Stanford and got in. I would like it if you and Dean at least worked things out before I left.” He then continues to leave and I watch his back disappear through the door.

 

I sigh and get up, but don’t get very far before I hear my name being called by a familiar voice. “Cas?”

 

I turn around to see Dean standing there by the table I just left and am now only five feet from. “Dean.”

 

“Can we talk?” Dean motions to my chair and I walk back to the table. _What are you doing? Why are you giving this ass the satisfaction of getting you to talk to him?_ “You look exhausted. How much sleep have you been getting?”

 

I’m confused. Why is Dean here? Why is he talking to me? Why is he so concerned about me? “Um… not much… I few minutes here and there.”

 

“So you’re basically not sleeping.” Dean observes.

 

“It’s kind of hard getting to sleep when there’s a voice screaming in your head and then if you finally manage to fall asleep, it’s hard to stay that way when you have nightmares every night.” I explain, not looking Dean in the eyes.

 

“The psychotic pills aren’t helping?” He asks.

 

I shrug. “The nurses say it’s going to take a while for them to really kick in. The most it does now is let me know what is real and what isn’t.”

 

“Oh I didn’t know that.” He says. He looks uncomfortable. “You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here, huh?” I nod. “Sam dragged me along but told me to wait outside while he talked to you. You know I can’t say no to his puppy dog eyes.” He sounds nervous, reserved, and extremely uncomfortable.

 

“You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to Dean.” I say quietly. I’m really too tired to do this right now.

 

“No it’s… it’s okay, I want to be here, especially after our last conversation.” He claims. “I’m sorry about that Cas. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He gives me a sad sorry smile but it’s not on his face very long.

 

“Well like I’ve said before Dean, I’ll always forgive you.” I tell him.

 

“Why is that? I mean I have messed up so much Cas that it’s no longer forgivable.” He says. “I don’t deserve it.”

 

“Neither do I.” I smile at him. “Maybe that’s why.”

 

We stare at each other almost in a trance, and I see love flash through Dean’s eyes and forgiveness. “Oh… um…” Dean reaches into a bag and takes out a picture frame. “I thought you would want this.”

 

I take it and look at it. It’s that picture, the one with the snowman again and I’m speechless. “Dean-”

 

“It was no problem Cas.” He interrupts. “It’s our picture, I want you to have it still.”

 

“Thank you.” I whisper.

 

Dean leans forward and kisses my forehead softly. “You’re welcome Cas.” He smiles at me but it looks sad and lonely, but mostly sorry. “I better get going. Maybe I’ll come back sometime, if you want.”

 

I bite my bottom lip, still looking at the picture, and nod. I then look up at Dean. “Yeah, I would like that.”

 

Dean nods too. “See you later Cas.”

 

“Bye Dean.” I say and I watch him leave. _Awe, how sweet of him to bring that ugly thing to you._

 

I ignore the voice as I walk back to my room, plop on my bed, and hold the picture close to my chest, eyes shut, and focusing on that memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s so short. Like I said I’m not feeling so great and this chapter is more of a filler to get things working between Dean and Cas. Don’t worry, it’s not going to be an instant fix since that wouldn’t be realistic. :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21:**

 

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if this is my destiny, my destiny to fall in love with the straight Dean Winchester. I wonder if I was meant to become so depressed that I needed to be put into a psychiatric hospital, to meet Lucifer and have him fall in love with me but hide it for years because he knows how head over heels in love I am with Dean. Was it my destiny to meet Chuck that made him and Lucifer friends, which in turn caused Chuck to fall in love with Lucifer? Was I meant to get shot from John Winchester and almost die to have Dean finally give me some phony promise and never come to keeping that wonderful, hopeful promise?

        

       Was it my destiny to get better for so long only to relapse because of some stupid affair that I couldn’t get over? Was it my destiny to have Dean cheat on me with some broad named Scarlet and for me to find out by walking in on them having sex? I wonder if destiny caused me to push and push until Dean had had enough, until Lucifer finally confessed about his feelings and for me and him to hurt Chuck in such a bad way that’s its unforgivable. Was I meant to meet Elijah, the greatest guy I’ve ever met, only to have him have these feelings that I can’t return?

 

Was it meant to be to have me, hearing this voice in my head, all alone and ready to just give up? Why won’t faith just let me give up, just let me go? Why can’t I ever just disappear? Now I’m stuck in this mess that I caused and I have no way out.

 

“Hey.” Elijah greets when he comes up to the table. I just smile at him, not really up to this today. All I want to do is lie in my bed and die. “How are you?” I shrug. “Are you going to talk to me at all?”

 

“Sorry Elijah, I’m just not feeling it today. I’m tired and…” I trail off.

 

“It’s fine, anything new at least?” He asks.

 

I look down at the table. “Uh… Dean visited me yesterday.”

 

Elijah perks up. “He did.” If I didn’t know any better I would think there was a hint of jealousy in his words.

 

I nod. “Yeah, he came and said he was sorry and he then gave me our picture back. He wants to see me again.”

 

Elijah looks at the table. “Oh…” He’s quiet for awhile. “That’s good, I’m glad.” He doesn’t sound glad at all.

 

“Why do you sound so sad?” I inquire. “You’re the one who brought him here in the first place.”

 

He looks up from the table and plasters on an obvious fake smile. “I’m not sad.”

 

“Elijah,” I start. “I’m an expert at fake smiles, I know when you’re not serious.”

 

His eyes dart back to the table top and he shrugs. “I know I brought him but…” He trails off and I prompt him to keep going with a look. “You know… I still love you.” He looks at me shyly, red tint appearing on his cheeks and across his nose.

 

“Oh Elijah… I’m so sorry I…” I’m not sure what to say.

 

Elijah cuts in instead, eyes darting to the table once again. “Don’t worry about it; I wasn’t expecting to get back with you or anything. I always knew this day would come.”

 

“Yeah but you must have had some hope.” I put in. He shrugs again. “Elijah-”

 

“Let’s,” He interrupts. “not talk about it okay, Castiel?” He kind of sounds like he is going to cry. “It doesn’t really matter.”

 

“Yes it does.” I reach out to take his hand that’s on the table but he swiftly pulls it away. “Your feelings matter Elijah.”

 

“Not enough to get you to fall in love with me.” He looks up and there are definite tears there. “You know, I just remembered that I have to go do something.” I open my mouth to protest but he gets up before I can. “Bye Castiel.”

 

“Elijah.” I call after him and he turns around to face me. “Please don’t cry, I’m sorry.”

 

He huffs. “Don’t be sorry for not loving me Castiel, you can’t control your feelings.” He sounds absolutely depressed when he turns back around and walks away. He stops when he reaches the door, however. He turns to look at me with sadness and love in his eyes. “All I want is for you to be happy.” He then exits.

 

I sigh and begin my journey back to my room. I hate hurting Elijah like this and it makes me even more sad thinking about how hurt he is right now. I enter my room to see a nurse there. “Oh Castiel, I was just coming to see if you want to go out to the courtyard. You haven’t been out there yet.

 

“Sure, why not.” I answer.

 

She smiles at me. “Okay, follow me.” I follow her down the hall until we reach the door leading to the courtyard. She opens it for me and I step out into the open air, enjoying the coolness of it. It’s actually really pretty, a fountain in the middle of the yard with pink and purple flowers encompassing it. There are bees and butterflies, the birds are singing their songs, and then there are other patients with white robes on their body. _Well this is nice, isn’t Castiel?_ “So, what do you think?”

 

I turn to face the nurse and smile. “It’s nice.” I walk to one of the benches that are facing the fountain and many flowers. I sit there watching the bees as they buzz around, trying to find flowers that aren’t pollinated yet. I kind of envy them. They don’t have a care in the world other than work, work, work. I wish I could have that kind of innocents. I listen to the constant buzzing for what seems like hours until the nurse says it’s time to go back inside.

 

I follow her once again and half way back to my room I ask her a question that’s been bothering me for a while now. “Where’s the church?”

 

She looks at me confused. “The church?”

 

“Yeah,” I begin. “The other wing, when I was there, they had a church room, where’s yours?”

 

“We don’t have one in this wing honey, sorry.” She doesn’t look sympathetic at all. “Did you want to go?”

 

“Yeah, that’s why I’m asking.” She looks at me in some kind of shock.

 

“Uh… I suppose I could see if we can bring you to the other wing to go to church but I can’t guarantee anything.” She offers.

 

“It’s good enough for me. I just want to talk to a priest, not full blown church. They know me there so… I won’t be welcomed.” I clarify.

 

“I’ll see what I can do honey.” She looks at me reassuringly. “Promise.”

 

We’re at my room now so I enter and fall onto my bed. _What are you going to be talking about with a priest? Huh, Castiel?_ I close my eyes and let sleep take over me.

 

When I wake there’s a nurse standing over me, telling me I have a visitor. I hope it’s Elijah but when I enter the visitor’s room I see Dean. “Hey Cas.” He smiles at me and I smile weakly back.

 

“Hey Dean.” I greet.

 

“How’s it been?” He asks as I sit down.

 

I shrug. “I think I hurt Elijah.”

 

He looks concerned. “How?”

 

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I look to Dean with sadness laced in my eyes. He looks at me concerned and confused so I open my mouth again to try and answer. “I told him we are working things out.”

 

“And he’s hurt by that?” He asks.

 

I look at the table. “He’s still loves me Dean.”

 

There’s a silence that falls on us. A few seconds pass before Dean speaks. “What do you feel about him?”

 

I think I detect worry in his voice. I look to him. “Not love.” I look to the table again.

 

“So that’s why he’s hurt, because you don’t love him the way he loves you?” I nod. “Do you love anybody?” I look up at him with pain stricken eyes. I open my mouth but once again nothing comes out. I look to the table top again.

 

“Have you heard anything from Lucifer?” I ask instead.

 

Dean takes a deep breath. “No but um… Sam keeps in touch with him once in a while… I think he got attached to his cooking… It’s better than mine after all.”

 

“Does he know I’m in here?” I ask, again looking into those green eyes.

 

He shakes his head. “No, I uh… made sure Sam didn’t tell him. I didn’t know if… if you wanted him to know.”

 

I nod. “So you don’t know how he is or anything like that?”

 

“Sam doesn’t talk about him around me that often… he knows how I feel about him so…” He trails off.

 

“What about Chuck?” I ask.

 

“I haven’t heard from him, neither has Sam or Lucifer.” Dean confirms.

 

“How do you know Lucifer hasn’t?” I continue.

 

He shrugs. “I asked Sam to ask Lucifer. I liked Chuck so I was worried, no one knows where he is though.”

 

I’m discouraged. “Oh…” I look at Dean intently. “Dean, could I ask you to do me a favor?”

 

“Sure.” He says.

 

I tell him, “Could you contact Lucifer… just make sure he’s okay… with your own ears? I mean you can ask Sam but-”

 

Dean cuts me off. “You want me to make sure.”

 

I nod my confirmation. “I just… I miss him.” I take a breath. “You don’t have to tell him that I’m in here or-”

 

Dean cuts me off again. “You know, I bet no matter how angry he is with you, if he knew you were in here… he would come and visit.”

 

I shake my head. “I don’t want to be a burden to him. What I did…” I trail off. “Just don’t tell him, please Dean.”

 

He nods. “Okay I won’t.”

 

I hear the door to the visitor’s room open and I look over in curiosity. Elijah stands there looking at the both of us. He plasters a fake smile on and comes over. “I can come back another time if you want.”

 

Dean looks at me then Elijah. “No please join us.”

 

Elijah hesitates but eventually sits down. “I uh… wanted to uh… say I’m sorry… for how I acted… I shouldn’t have told you that I still…” He doesn’t finish and isn’t looking at me.

 

I grab his hand. “Elijah.” I get his attention and he looks up at me. “Don’t be sorry for loving me, you can’t control your feelings.” I quote him.

 

“Is it going to be awkward between us now?” He asks.

 

“Only if you let it.” I conclude.

 

“Hey Elijah,” Elijah looks to Dean. “Thanks for taking care of Cas.” Elijah begins to say something but Dean doesn’t allow him to. “And um… thanks for loving him.” Elijah blushes a bright red color. “I hope we can be friends.” Dean smiles and holds out his hand. “After all, we both care about the same person more than anything.”

 

Shock is written all over Elijah’s face. He grabs Dean’s hand firmly. “Friends.” He smiles back.

 

I smile and feel a trickle of happiness enter my chest. Seeing the two, the both of them once rivals, come together like this puts joy into my heart and it feels nice, it feels really good. _Awe, how sweet, they’re bonding._ I ignore the voice in my head and just enjoy the presence of the two of them, listening to them laughing and talking, asking me questions and engaging in conversation with me that I thought would never happen with the two at the same time. It makes me so happy and almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing that could make this more perfect is if Lucifer was here and Chuck, everything put behind us.

 

But I know it’s not that simple and the thought hurts me to a great extent. It makes me wish I was dead so I wouldn’t have to face it. Better yet, never born, that way none of this would have had to happen. Dean would have never known me, Lucifer and Chuck would have never met me, and Elijah would have met some other guy to fall in love with that could actually requite those feelings.

 

Sometimes I wonder if all the things that have happened up to now are destiny. I wonder if being born is destiny. I wonder if my destiny is something that intertwines itself with other’s destiny, causing their destiny to be messed up because mine is. I sometimes wonder if destiny is something you can’t change and is just something you have to deal with. Sometimes I wonder if this life I lead is my destiny. Sometimes I wonder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. Not very good, I know, but I wanted to get something out to you guys. Expect Lucifer in the next chapter. :) Thanks for reading.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22:**

 

It happens out of nowhere, no warning or anything. I wake up shaking uncontrollably. It scares me at first but then I feel it, that urge to take some kind of drug, whether it be painkillers or heroin, it doesn’t matter, my body just wants it. I sit up, trying to fight the urge but it makes it worse, it makes me want to take something even more. Unfortunately I can’t get access to any drugs so I sit there, shaking and trying to ignore the feeling of wanting anything.

 

I look to the clock and read that it says 1:00AM. I slept for an hour before waking up. _Gives more time for me._ The voice in my head says menacingly. I lie back down wishing there was something I could do but unfortunately I have to stay in my room at night, which means nothing to do for hours on end.

 

I stare at the ceiling, listening to the voice in my head singing songs over and over again. One song in particular is the voice’s favorite. It’s some nursery rhyme, but my mom would sing it to me all the time before putting me to bed. It makes me sad to hear it now but it helps calm my cravings slightly. _Are you saying I’m helping?_ I roll my eyes. _Well that won’t do._ He then starts to sing some rock song that I’ve never heard of before.

 

I grab a hold of my head, hearing the man in my head yell and patronize me. _You are so stupid! You have no taste in music, you’re a fag, and you’ve lost practically everyone you’ve ever loved. I think the only person who would be stupid enough to stay with your worthless, sorry ass is Elijah, and he’s stupid to do it._

 

“What about Dean?” I ask.

_Dean? Dean will leave again once he has an excuse to. The minute you do something wrong again, he’ll be gone._

 

“No, Dean wouldn’t do that to me again.” I claim.

_Are you sure?_

 

It’s a good question and it raises a feeling of worry in my chest. The voice is right after all. One mistake from me, and Dean will just disappear again. Just the thought makes me want to cry.

_See, what did I say?_ “Shut up.” _I don’t think so Cassie._ “Please…” I plead. _I’m in your head now little angel, and I’m not going anywhere._

 

I grab my pillow and place it over my face. Maybe I can suffocate myself to death? I hold it there, well aware of the tears making the pillow wet. I sniffle as I cry silently and alone. _Oh, stop being a baby._

 

“Please just go away.” I cry.

 

A don’t know how long I lie there crying but eventually I cry myself out and I just stare at the ceiling, waiting for the daytime to arrive. The voice hasn’t been quiet for hours and it is driving me crazy. _I’m sorry to say Cassie-boy but you’re already crazy._ The alarm finally goes off, telling the other patients to wake and head down to breakfast.

 

I struggle to get up, feeling weak from lack of sleep for weeks. I walk slowly to the dining hall and get my tray of food and pills. I take the much-needed antipsychotic pills, though they don’t help much anyway. I’m starting to think I need a higher dose.

 

Taking the pills help slightly with my shaking but only a little. The craving is too much to be taken care of by three different pills… I need more.

 

I sit down at an empty table and begin to eat my meal of French toast and bacon. I’m half way through my food when someone places a tray down in front of me. I look up to see my therapist. “Hello Castiel, why are you sitting alone?” I shrug. “Why don’t you try to go and make some friends with the other patients here, I think it’ll help.”

 

“I don’t want to.” I say, looking at her with sad eyes. “Do you know how many friends I made in the other wing of this place?” She doesn’t say anything as permission to go on. “Two, and that’s only because one was my roommate and the other kind of forced himself onto me as a friend.” She nods in understanding. “You want to know how many of those two are my friends still?” She just looks at me. “Zero, none. They’re not my friends anymore because I fucked up, I hurt them in ways you can’t even imagine, and I deserve them to not be my friend anymore, but you know what? I’m not going to make that same mistake again by making friends here, to be able to have someone I can actually relate too or vise versa, be my friend. I’m not going to get attached to people only to have them ripped from me again.” I ramble. “I deserve to be alone, I know that, but… I can’t go through losing someone again, I just can’t. If I do… this time I really will be successful in killing myself…this time, I’ll make sure no one stops me or saves me. I’ll die and I won’t be able to hurt anyone ever again, it’ll be over.”

 

“Castiel,” She looks at me lovingly. “No one deserves to be alone, no matter what they do.” She gives me a reassuring smile then gets up. “A nurse will be bringing you to the church later today.” She then walks away, calling over her shoulder, “We’ll talk more in your session.”

 

I look down at my food, all of a sudden feeling queasy. I get up and throw the rest of the food out and make my way back to my room when a nurse stops me. “You have a visitor again, Castiel.”

 

I follow her along and enter the visitor’s room expecting Elijah or Dean. Before I even make it to the table, however, I hear a very familiar voice. “Well if you’d look at that, my little cherub has managed to wind up back here.”

 

My head snaps up at the voice. “L-Lucifer?”

 

“Hey Angel,” He greets. “It’s been awhile.”

 

“What are you… doing… here?” I ask, tears forming in my eyes from seeing the familiar face.

 

“Um…” He begins. He isn’t sitting down so I haven’t yet either. “Dean… told me you were here.”

 

“Dean.” I state, feeling annoyed that he did the exact opposite of what I wanted. “Of course he did.”

 

“So you tell Dean that you’re here but not me?” He doesn’t sound angry or hurt, he actually sounds a little amused.

 

I finally sit down, feeling too tired to stand anymore. “I didn’t tell Dean, Elijah actually did.”

 

“He’s still talking to you?” Lucifer sits as well.

 

“He’s the one who took me in after you kicked me out.” Lucifer looks to the table in guilt. “I didn’t ask him to take me in he offered. I actually asked Bobby but he…” I too look to the table. “He um… didn’t want anything to do with me.”

 

“Why?” Lucifer asks, looking at me.

 

I look him in the eyes. “Dean is like his son and I hurt Dean… he didn’t want to shelter the person who hurt him.” Lucifer looks speechless. “I only called Elijah because I wanted someone to talk to and you were out of the question, Chuck was definitely out of the question, Dean… he probably wouldn’t even let me get two words out. Elijah was the only one left and I wasn’t even sure if he would want to talk to me.”

 

“So he offered to let you stay with him.” Lucifer sums and I nod.

 

“You know Lucifer, when I was staying with Elijah, that first night, remember that thunderstorm we had?” He nods and another tear escapes my eyes. “I tried to… I tried to get myself stuck by lightning.” Shock forms on Lucifer’s face. “Elijah wouldn’t let me anywhere near the drug cabinet or the knives… so lightning was all I had left. I couldn’t kill myself any other way.”

 

“Angel…” He begins but doesn’t add on to it.

 

I continue. “I felt so alone Lucifer. I felt like everything was my fault, that I deserve to be alone, and that I… deserve to die. I didn’t deserve to live Lucifer, I still don’t.” Lucifer opens his mouth to protest but I don’t let him. “And now I’m back here, where I worked so hard to get out of, where I tried for years to get out of. I’m back, except this time I have this voice inside my head that keeps patronizing me and telling me, pointing out, all the things I’ve done wrong, and all I want to do, Lucifer, is die. I just want it all to be over, for me to not be able to hurt anyone anymore. I just want to disappear.”

 

Lucifer is silent for a long time, not looking at me. He keeps opening and then shutting his mouth but nothing comes out. He then looks up at me and what he says, shocks me. “I’m sorry Angel.” I shake my head not understanding. “I’m sorry I caused you so much pain. I’m sorry I threw you out that day, I’m sorry I treated you like that. Angel, it was the worst day of my life after throwing you out. I don’t even know why I did it. I just…” He trails off but I don’t say anything. “I love you, you know?”

 

“Lucifer…” He doesn’t allow me to speak.

 

“No please, if you interrupt me, it won’t mean as much.” He claims. “I know what it’s like here so I know you’re going through hell at the moment, I mean… who wants to be stuck here all day, in this hell hole? If you’ll have me though, I would like to start new and not have you go through this alone, with no one to relate to what you’re going through here.”

 

The overwhelming emotion I feel at getting my best friend back is so immense that it brings tears to my eyes. “You mean that?” He nods and I start to cry. Not because of sadness or anger, but of happiness. I’m so happy at that moment that it feels as if there is nothing in the entire world that could ruin it, and in that moment, with me so full of happiness, the thing I’ve been craving for a long time now happens, Lucifer wraps his arms around me. I’m so overjoyed that I can’t stop the tears and the feeling of his arms around me, is one of the best things I’ve felt in a long time. Hearing Lucifer whisper in my ear that it’s okay and that he’s never going to leave me again, sends a bolt of happiness, joy, that I haven’t felt in months and it feels so good that I never want to let go, I never want to lose that feeling. “Yes… please stay.” I say in between my sobs.

 

“I’ll never leave again, I promise.” He whispers and his grip tightens ever so slightly. “Never again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading all.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23:**

 

Lucifer and I continue to talk after I finish crying.

 

“Have you heard from Chuck?” I ask hesitantly.

 

He looks to the table. “No uh… the last time I saw him or heard him was when he came to get his stuff… out of the house… that was awhile ago.”

 

“I’m sorry.” I say.

 

Lucifer shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it, it’s my fault, my mistake, I have to live with the consequences.”

 

“My mistake too.” I point out and Lucifer looks at me sadly. “You’re not going to end up back in here right?”

 

He huffs. “No I think I’m fine, for now, I guess we’ll see.”

 

“I don’t want you back in here.” I claim.

 

“I don’t want you in here.” He says. He looks down at the table guiltily. “I’m so sorry Angel, I can’t…” He trails off and looks up.

 

There’s so much pain written on his face that it causes pain in my own chest. You can see the guilt weighing him down. “It’s okay… it wasn’t totally your fault.”

 

“Yeah right… you being in here… again, it’s my entire fault Angel.” He looks down again. “I don’t even know why you’re giving me a second chance, I definitely don’t deserve it.”

 

I take a deep breath. “Because everyone needs a second chance.” He looks up. “You gave me plenty of them.”

 

“Of course I did. You were practically my only friend and then…” he trails off so I fill in the blanks.

 

“Then you fell in love with me.” He nods. “Lucifer, I really, really wish I could love you the way you love me, or I could love Elijah the way he loves me, but I can’t…” I pause seeing the pain and guilt in his eyes. “I can’t do that, you of all people know how much I love Dean.”

 

“Lucky him.” He says and I see his eyes water up.

 

“Lucifer-” He cuts me off.

 

“Let’s just not talk about it anymore, okay?” He blinks the tears away. “Let’s just forget it all happened. Let’s just… I don’t know… eventually go back to being brothers? I know that’s all you can give me and I’m sorry that I ever thought it could be more, I just ended up hurting you and myself thinking that, so I’m not going to think it anymore.” He says. “I know we can’t go back to the way it was immediately, but I’m hoping that eventually… we can just be brothers again. It’s all I can ask for.”

 

I hesitate in answering. I’m not really sure if I want to be that again with Lucifer. In all honesty, I should have walked away from Lucifer when he showed up here, but I’m so desperate to have my friend back that I couldn’t bring myself too, and now I’m sitting here with this dilemma. Should I try to bring our relationship to brother status again, or just stick with being friends? Seeing the desperation on Lucifer’s face, however, causes me to come to a conclusion.

 

“Yeah Lucifer, I hope so too.” I say and I find myself really hoping that.

 

Lucifer smiles his thanks and then says. “I better get going.”

 

“Already?” I ask, feeling a little bummed that he has to go.

 

He motions behind me. “The nurse is coming.” He stands up and I do as well. “Tell Dean thanks for me.” He looks like he is going to hug me but he hesitates, so I initiate it, wrapping my arms around his lean abdomen.

 

“Thank you Lucifer.” I whisper.

 

“Just get better okay.” We let go. “I’ll come visit you again.” He then walks away just as the nurse steps up beside me.

 

“Sorry to cut your meeting short but I’m here to bring you to church. This was the only time they would allow, sorry sweetie.” She looks apologetic.

 

“It’s okay, I understand.” I follow her through the halls until we get to these electronically locked doors. The nurse uses her card key to open the door and we step into the other wing.

 

Memories flood through my mind like a tidal wave. Lucifer, Chuck, and I walking through these halls together. Dean coming to visit me. I can’t help but wonder who is residing in mine and Lucifer’s old room. We pass Balthazar’s office. The door is open as we walks pass and I see him sitting there in his chair, reading over someone’s notes. I don’t catch his attention though, I don’t want him to know he failed with me.

 

We eventually make it to the familiar room where they hold church. _Here we are, let’s see if they’ll listen._ “I’ll be waiting for you out here.” The nurse says.

 

I nod at her and step through the doors. There’s only one priest in the room. He’s young and looks like he’s just barely in his late twenties maybe early thirties. He’s obviously a junior priest.

 

His back is toward me so I say, “So they left a junior priest to talk to a nut job.”

 

He turns around in shock but then relaxes when he sees me. “All the other’s knew you and didn’t seem to want to talk to you. Castiel right?”

 

I walk towards him. “In the flesh.”

 

“What did you do to make all the senior priests not want to talk to you?” He asks curiously.

 

I huff. “I can’t believe they still remember me… though I do have a unique name and I’m friends with someone with an even more unique name.” I explain. “I guess two things made them not like me, first being I’m friends with someone named Lucifer,” The priest’s eyes widen. “Not the actual devil, his parents… I don’t know what they were thinking.” He relaxes and nods his understanding. “And then there’s also the fact that I’m…” I hesitate. I don’t want to ruin my opportunity here but he has to know in order for me to discuss what I want to talk about. _Which is what again?_ “That I’m gay.”

 

He nods again. “I see. I can also see where the others are coming from.” I look down at the floor, ready to be kicked out again. “I’m father Michaels, it’s nice to meet you.” He holds his hand out.

 

I stare at his hand, not expecting this turn of events at all. I look to his eyes and I see kindness there so I take his hand and shake it. “Nice to meet you too.”

 

“Come.” He motions for me to sit in one of the chairs so I do, him sitting next to me. “What did you want to talk about?”

 

“Well father… life… it’s complicated.” He stays silent to indicate for me to continue. “I have sinned, badly. I’ve obviously lusted after men, I’ve had sex with men, I want to marry a man that’s in my life right now.” I stop talking looking down at my hands. He still stays silent, giving me all the time I need. “I’ve done some horrible things in my life. I’ve lied, I’ve schemed…” I look at him. “I’ve tried to kill myself on multiple occasions, I’ve cut myself,” I self consciously start to trace the scares on my bare arms. “But worst of all, I’ve hurt my friends. I’ve cheated, hurting the person I was dating and then I hurt the one I was cheating with. I hurt my friend by cheating with his lover and then…” I’m at Dean now and for some reason he seems the hardest to talk about. “Then I hurt the love of my life. I’ve done so much wrong father, do I even deserve to live, and can God forgive me?” A tear slips through my barrier. “Can He accept me in heaven?” I look down at my lap feeling the tears well up, blurring my vision.

 

Father Michaels takes no time answering. “Son… your sexuality aside, everyone deserves to live.” I look up to him, my cheeks streaked with water. “God can forgive you, but you need forgive yourself first. Only when you can forgive yourself can God forgive you.”

 

“Are you sure. I don’t deserve it.” I say.

 

“Ask for forgiveness, son, and forgive yourself, and God will forgive you. He loves you no matter what.” He stands. “Are you sorry for your sins my son?”

 

“Yes, very much so.” I admit.

 

“Then… ‘May almighty God have mercy on you, forgive you your sins and lead you to everlasting life. May the almighty and merciful lord grant you pardon, absolution, and remission of your sins. May our Lord Jesus Christ absolve you. And I by His authority release you from every bond of excommunication (suspension) and interdict, in so far as I am empowered and you have need. And now I absolve you from your sins; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.’”

 

I then stand up too. “Thank you Father.”

 

“Any time, son.” He places a hand on my shoulder. “I have forgiven you of your sins, God has forgiven you of your sins, now all that’s left is for you to forgive yourself.”

 

“How do I do that Father?” I ask.

 

He smiles at me. “Know that it’s not all your fault. You’re human, we all make mistakes, including me. I’m certainly no saint, I have sinned before, I just have to forgive myself knowing that God and Jesus Christ will forgive me, and just move on.”

 

I nod. “I’ll try Father.”

 

“You come back anytime you need to, I’ll always listen.” He smiles at me and I smile back.

 

I then turn around and walk out, following the nurse once again. Except this time I do stop at Balthazar’s office, knocking on the open door. “Castiel?” He says, shocked. “It’s been a long time. What are you doing here?”

 

“I’m sorry to say Balthazar but I’m in the other wing now, the one with all the mental disease patients.” I explain.

 

“I see, that’s too bad.” He looks sorry. “I’m sorry Castiel.”

 

“It’s okay, I’m just sorry all your hard work went to waste.” He shakes his head.

 

“Castiel,” He begins. “All my hard work and your hard work didn’t go to waste. You did get better, but you relapsed obviously, it happens. In fact, it’s almost expected. I’m sorry to hear you’re in the other wing this time and that you’re depressed again, right?” I nod. “But nothing went to waste.”

 

“So I didn’t disappoint you?” I ask.

 

“Castiel,” He chuckles. “Yeah I’m a little disappointed that it didn’t stick but I’m not disappointed that you relapsed. It’s to be expected quite honestly. You’re not the first person that I’ve counseled that has relapsed.” He looks behind me. “It looks like the nurse is getting annoyed. You better go. Visit again and get better soon. By the way, what is it that is wrong that put you in the other wing?”

 

“Psychotic depression.” I answer.

 

“Oh I see.” He shuffles me along. “Okay now, off you go, don’t forget to visit.”

 

I smile back at him and then follow the nurse through the double doors back into our own wing. I feel a little lighter than I did this morning and it’s wonderful. I say thank you to the nurse and make my way to the lounge to watch a little TV if no one is there but before I can another nurse comes up to me and brings me to the visitors room.

 

Elijah is sitting at one of the tables and he smiles at me as I approach. “I hear you were in church.”

 

“How long have you been waiting here?” I ask as I sit across from him. He looks happier than he has been these past few days.

 

“Not long.” He answers. “So how’d it go?”

 

“I didn’t get kicked out for being gay, if that’s what you’re wondering?” I say jokingly. “No in all seriousness, it went okay, I actually feel a little better now.”

 

“That’s good. So anything else new?” He wonders.

 

I open my mouth to tell him about Lucifer but I close it immediately, thinking back to when he found out about Dean. “No not really.”

 

He nods. “Yeah same here.” There’s some silence that passes between us before he speaks up again. “You know I got so used to you living with me that it’s kind of weird not seeing someone on my couch in the morning.” He smiles playfully.

 

“What are you so happy for?” I chuckle.

 

He shrugs. “I don’t know, I still have you in my life, what other reason do I need?”

 

I feel a blush creep up my face. “Thanks.”

 

We talk for a little longer before visiting hours finally end and Elijah has to go. We both say our goodbyes and I then go eat dinner, just realizing I missed lunch. After that I go to the lounge, noticing no one is there. The lights are off so I hesitate, wondering if we are supposed to go to bed earlier or something today but when I try the light switch, the lights don’t turn on. _The bulb must be blown, that’s why no one is here._ I walk to the couch and turn on the TV. _You’re the only one crazy enough to sit in a dark lounge to watch TV._

 

“It’s probably the only time I’ll get too alone.” I answer the voice in my head.

_Whatever, freak._

 

I ignore the stupid voice and focus on watching the news. None of it is really that interesting, however.

 

“We just got some breaking news.” A female reporter, with wavy, chestnut brown hair pops onto the screen, holding the earpiece with her left hand, microphone in the other. “We just got some word that there has been a breakout at the Kansas jail.” This peaks my interest. “It is said to be a middle aged man in his late forties who was serving twenty one and a half years of prison for an attempted murder charge of a seventeen year old boy. This man is to be considered highly dangerous and may be armed. If you see a man that looks like this,” A pictures comes onto the screen and my jaw drops with my stomach doing flips. “Then call nine one one immediately. Do not try to engage with this man.” I feel like I’m going to throw up. “The man’s name in the photo is John Winchester.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to look up what jail you would go to near Kansas for an attempted murder charge but no matter what I typed in nothing came up. So I decided to take the easy way and say Kansas jail. :P


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24:**

 

I freak out. Plain and simple.

 

I bolt off the couch, not even bothering to shut the TV off, and literally run to my room. Once inside I slam the door behind me, go to the one window that I have, and make sure the nails in the frame keeping it from opening, is still there. They are so I shut the curtains, check the closet, look under my bed, and in the bathroom… no one. I take a deep breath and lean my back on the door to the hall. I look around my room, a sense of eeriness creeping up on me.

 

I jump when there’s a knock at my door. “Castiel, are you okay?”

 

I turn around, my whole body shaking, and open the door a crack. “I’m fine.”

 

“You sure? You slammed your door, honey.” You can see the concern in her eyes.

 

“I’m fine sorry.” She looks at me skeptically but doesn’t push. Instead she nods and walks away, me shutting the door as she leaves.

 

I don’t sleep for the rest of the night, every sound during the night keeping me up and thinking of John Winchester barging in with automatic. I don’t calm down either when Elijah comes to visit with Dean.

 

“What’s wrong?” Elijah immediately asks before I even get half way to the table.

 

I sit down and Elijah looks at me with concern. Dean senses the worry radiating off the man beside him and looks to me for an answer. “Dean you didn’t hear?” He shrugs. “Your dad broke out of jail.”

 

Dean begins to laugh and Elijah and I look at him like he’s fucking crazy. “You’re joking right? My dad is in a high security prison, there’s no way he can bust out.”

 

“Dean,” I say, anger and annoyance present in my voice. “It was all over the news yesterday.”

 

Dean looks at me with a smile, as if he thinks I’m still joking, but then he studies the look on my face, the panic and fear that I know is present, and his look changes to realization and worry. “You’re really not kidding are you?”

 

I look at him incredulously. “Why would I kid about something like this, Dean. I’m freaking out.”

 

“Okay,” He says as calmly as he can but I know him and I know the panic is settling in. “There’s no need to panic.”

 

“Dean he knows I’m alive because I had to go to the trial so he’s going to come after me for sure, probably you too.” I claim.

 

“I know, I know but…” He pauses to think. “He doesn’t even know where you are… or where I am for that matter.”

 

“Damn it Dean,” I say in frustration. “I knew we should have gotten out of this state.”

 

“Or what?” He counters. “Huh? Let him find us in some other state.”

 

“That’s not my point.” My voice is rising. “My point is this state… it’s not good luck, it’s cursed or something, at least for us.”

 

“That’s ridiculous.” He claims.

 

“Are you kidding me Dean?” I ask. “Nothing but bad has happened here.”

 

He looks at me in annoyance. “We got together here.”

 

“Yeah and look how that turned out.” I point out.

 

Dean stares at me for a few seconds before sitting back in his chair and looking away from me, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“I think what’s more important here,” Elijah, who hasn’t spoken since the beginning, speaks up. “Is what we are going to do about Dean’s father, or if we have to worry about him at all. My vote is on worrying.”

 

Dean turns his head and gives Elijah a death glare as if to say, ‘thanks for the support’.

 

“I see you two are already talking about Mr. John Winchester.” I look up from looking at the table to see Lucifer standing behind Elijah and Dean. I look to Elijah and I can literally see the gears working in his head. He has yet to turn around and look at Lucifer but the shock slowly fades and a look of anger replaces it. I shrink in my seat.

 

“Don’t say his last name please, Lucifer, it’s bad enough I’ve got it.” Dean says, body turned around in his chair to face the man.

 

Lucifer pulls a chair from another table and places it beside Elijah who has still yet to look up from the table. “Sorry Deano, you’re his son whether you like it or not.” He sits down and I can see Elijah tense up. Dean sighs and twists around to face the front. “Hey Elijah, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve seen you.”

 

Elijah doesn’t look up or say anything at first then he takes a barely visible deep breath and looks up to Lucifer. “Yeah, yeah it’s been a long time.” You can hear the strain in his voice and I shrink even more in my seat, especially when those angry eyes are turned on me in accusation.

 

“So what are we going to do about this whole John the attempted murder problem?” Lucifer asks, turning back to me.

 

I don’t pay attention to it though because all I can focus on is the fact that Elijah is looking at the table in anger and his jaw is set tight, as if he is clenching his teeth. I take a risk. “Elijah what do you think we should do?”

 

His eyes shoot up to mine while everyone else turns to look at the man. “Honestly I think this whole thing is just complete bull shit.” He lifts his head, doing an excellent job at hiding how angry he is. “Can’t believe it’s even happening.” He looks to Dean and then back to me. I note how he doesn’t look at Lucifer. “I think maybe call the cops, tell them Castiel is going to need some protection. I mean I wasn’t there when this whole thing happened so I’m not quite sure but I have seen the scar so I know what he’s capable of.” This time when he looks to Dean he also looks to Lucifer.

 

“So then it’s decided,” We look to Dean. “We get some police protection. Who’s going to pay for it?” Everyone is silent.

 

“I will.” Lucifer finally speaks up. “I can spare a few bucks if it means protecting Angel.” At the mention of my nickname something flashes in Elijah’s eyes and his jaw sets tight again.

 

“Why don’t all three of us help pay for it, split it three way.” Elijah suggests and the rest of the two nod in agreement.

 

“It’s settled then.” Dean confirms.

 

I have something to ask though. “What about you Dean?”

 

“I’m sure I’ll be fine.” He claims. “Even if he does manage to find me, I’m his son, he won’t kill me.”

 

“Dean.” I try but he cuts me off.

 

“He may physically hurt me but killing me, I don’t think he’s gone that low.” He admits.

 

“Dean, I remember the look in his eyes when he shot me,” I begin. “You turned him in and he’s had all these years to mellow in his anger for me and you. Who knows how that changed him?”

 

“Yeah but I’m his son, nothing can change that.” He says and by the tone of his voice I know the subject is dropped. “Hey we better go and get that police protection now.” He looks at the two men by his side.

 

Lucifer nods and the both of them get up but Elijah doesn’t move. “You coming Elijah?” Lucifer asks.

 

“Um… yeah.” He looks at me for one last minute. There’s something in his eyes that is making me uneasy and it’s not the anger that is still present there.

 

“What is it?” I ask him wearily.

 

He stares for a little longer and then shakes his head, quickly looking down at the table. “Nothing, just…” He looks up. “I don’t know.” He then gets up and follows the two men out, looking behind his back and at me before disappearing through the doors.

 

I look at the door for a little longer before I gaze around the room and then get up, going back to my room. I stay there until it’s time to go to my therapy session. I sit down in the cushion chair, my senses on overdrive. I begin to bounce my leg and Dr. Mills notices.

 

“Nervous Castiel?” She asks.

 

I shake my head no. “No.”

 

She seems to take that as an answer and moves on. “Have you tried to sit with anyone else yet?”

 

“I don’t want to sit with anyone else.” I tell her.

 

She looks at me with a look of amusement. “I really suggest you try and make friends.”

 

“I don’t need any more friends.” I claim and it’s true really.

 

She nods. “Are you still hearing that voice in your head?”

 

Again I shake my head. “No it’s getting better. I haven’t heard him all day so far.”

 

She smiles at me. “That’s really good, I’m glad you’re making progress.”

 

“Yeah me too, it’s nice to go through the day not being interrupted because there’s this guy yelling in your ear.” I explain.

 

“Is there still a worse time that it normally happens, that the voice is worse?” She asks.

 

I look her in the eyes. “Um… yeah it’s still at night, when I’m sleeping or trying to get to sleep. It’s like my body just doesn’t want me to rest.”

 

“Well, with how things are going at the moment, hopefully that gets better soon.” She encourages.

 

“Yeah, let’s hope.” I say optimistically.

 

We continue to talk for a long time and for the time being I forget about John Winchester being out there somewhere. Once the meeting is over I go to my room for the rest of the day. Then a nurse comes to me.

 

“There’s a visitor for you.” I follow her, wondering who could be visiting me at this time when there’s only twenty minutes left of the visiting time. My heart speeds up, immediately thinking of John, but when we enter the room Elijah is sitting in the chair at the table. I relax and sit down across from him.

 

“I haven’t seen one cop all day.” I begin with.

 

He shrugs. “Yeah there’s this whole bunch of paper work that you have to fill out. Dean is taking care of that.”

 

“Then what are you doing here?” I ask.

 

“I wanted to know something.” He states, looking down at the table. “When did you and Lucifer become friends again?” He looks up and into my eyes.

 

“The other day.” I quietly say looking away from him.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He inquires.

 

I look at his eyes. “Because I was afraid you’d act the same way you did when you found out about Dean.”

 

He looks angry. “You know it’s funny, I’m the only one getting screwed in this whole deal.”

 

“What do you mean?” I’m confused and I scrunch my eyebrows up and tilt my head.

 

He shrugs again. “Either way I’ll never get you to love me. Your heart is with Dean and if it wasn’t with Dean or Dean leaves again then there’s Lucifer, where the hell do I stand?”

 

“Do we have to have this conversation right now?” I immediately know that was the absolute wrong thing to say as soon as the anger flashes in Elijah’s eyes, he goes silent and rigid, and his jaw is clenched shut. Damn, I would be dead if his look could kill me.

 

“You know what never mind. Don’t even know why I brought it up anyway. It’s not like I’m the one that’s been there for you, done everything for you, given up everything for you.” He’s making me feel bad. “I’m just some guy that you got to screw and throw in the trash.” His voice is laced with so much pain. “So what if I was getting fucked in the rear end with this whole deal with Dean, but now I have Lucifer to deal with, the one who threw you out and caused this whole thing to happen.”

 

“Wait a minute.” I defend. “Lucifer is not the one who caused all of it, Dean is because he left.”

 

Elijah rolls his eyes exasperated. “Lucifer has a huge part to play in it though. If he didn’t throw you out then you wouldn’t even be in here!”

 

“You know what, why don’t you just admit why you’re really angry at Lucifer.” Elijah looks at me confused. “Because he’s the one I cheated on you with.”

 

Elijah slams his hand on the table and stands up making me flinch. “Yes okay, I’m pissed because he’s the one that you fucked with when you were dating me and then he goes and throws you out, you cannot expect me to deal with the two people that you have screwed me over with.” He yells desperately. “I just can’t, I’ve had enough feeling…” He trails off, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

 

“Feeling what?” I try.

 

He rolls his eyes again and looks at me, pain strewn all throughout his eyes. He doesn’t answer at first but eventually does. “Feeling like I don’t matter at all, second best.” He sits down, obviously calming slightly. I look at him with sympathy. “I mean damn it Castiel, I wasn’t there when you were depressed first, I wasn’t there when this John guy shot you. I wasn’t there for anything and they know you better than I do and…” He pauses. “I just don’t feel good enough, they’ve been there for everything, especially Dean, what have I been there for?”

 

“Are you saying you’re jealous?” I ask hesitantly.

 

“No…” Elijah defends. “I mean… not exactly. It’s hard to explain exactly what I’m feeling. I love you so much and I don’t even stand a chance at all. You love Dean, if he leaves you’ll go straight to Lucifer. I don’t blame you, they’ve been there for you longer, they know what you’ve gone through. Me… I’m just some guy you met in a bar.”

 

I watch him as he stares at the table top. I get up and round the table, going to stand right beside him. I kneel down so I’m eye level. “Elijah, look at me.” He doesn’t. “Look at me.” I say in a deeper, more demanding voice and he looks over. “I love you for you. I wouldn’t replace you for anyone. Don’t ever think you haven’t been here with me long enough to know me. You have been with me during times that Dean and Lucifer haven’t seen. You know me just as well as Dean and Lucifer. Just because you weren’t there for those other times, doesn’t prove that wrong. You know me because of the experiences you were there for and Dean and Lucifer weren’t there for. You’ve been there for me when the others weren’t, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 

He looks at me sadly. “Love me?”

 

I look at him sympathetically. “I’m sorry Elijah that I can’t love you the way you want me too, but I love you because you’re my best friend. You’re the only one that stuck by me when I needed it, nothing will change that. You are worth something to me. You aren’t some guy I met in a bar; you’re the guy I met in a bar that I fell in love with, not romantically but friendship. If you ask me, that kind of love is just as good as the romantic love.” Elijah is about to say something when all of a sudden the lights shut off. Both Elijah and I stand up. “What’s going on?”

 

“Maybe they turned them off because visiting hours are over.” Elijah suggests.

 

I shake my head. “No, no I don’t think so; they would have come out to check that no one was in here.”

 

We stand there, bodies close, and our breaths ghosting over each other’s cheek. “We should probably get out of here.”

 

“Yeah, can you see where the door is?” I ask, looking around the room frantically.

 

“I think it’s this way.” He grabs my hand and begins to pull me in a direction. We hear a noise, however, and we both stop dead in our tracks.

 

“What was that?” I whisper.

 

“I don’t-” Elijah starts but is cut off by a loud whack and ‘oof’ sound from him. I then feel Elijah’s hand drop from mine as he falls to the ground.

 

“Elijah?” I’m about to kneel down when something strikes me in the head, a severe stab of a pain shooting through my head as I fall to the floor next to Elijah and black out.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I just got a complaint on Heartache: Teenage Love that nothing makes sense and I should do my research before coming up with these ideas, I want to just clarify that I do do research on most of these chapters. In fact half the time that I have for typing is done doing research. That’s why it takes me a week to post the chapters, not only because of school but in my extra time I’m doing research, but there’s only so much information you can find on the internet. I’m sorry if having these chapters non-realistic is bothersome; I’ll try to do more “in depth” research as best I can. With that being said, yes I did research about concussions. In fact, I read three articles about them so hopefully this chapter is as “realistic” as possible. Thank you.
> 
> WARNING (because I feel the need): Very VERY graphic language in this chapter. If you read Heartache: Teenage Love then you pretty much know what to expect from John but if you haven’t be warned, it’s pretty bad and I don’t want to offend anyone.

**Chapter 25:**

 

There’s this ringing in my ears and my head feels like there is a jack hammer pounding away in it. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, willing the severe pain to just go away and when I open my eyes, my vision is swimming in black. I have to blink a few times before my vision returns to normal but then I sit there with my eyes closed, waiting for the ringing to stop. It does after a few seconds so I open my eyes and look at the hand that I was holding my head with. Surprisingly there is no blood so I run my hands through all my hair, making sure I’m not bleeding, and come back blood free. It really is a miracle that whatever hit me didn’t break the skin.

 

I look around the room, noticing how it looks like I’m in some kind of abandoned warehouse. My eyes travel over a lump on the floor but not two seconds later go back to it. Fear rushes up through my chest and I struggle to stand. I walk over on wobbly legs and kneel on my knees beside the hump, placing my hands on top and shaking gently. “Elijah?” I say with concern but there is no response. “Elijah wake up.” There’s blood surrounding his head so it’s obvious that the thing that didn’t break the skin for me, broke the skin for Elijah. I check his pulse and breathe a sigh of relief when I find one.

 

“I think I hit him harder than you.” A voice says. I whip my head around, immediately regretting it because my vision blurs, to try and see who spoke. There’s no one there but that voice is burned into my memory.

 

“John, you son of a bitch.” I say loud enough for him to hear. “Why don’t you come out of hiding?” I look to Elijah again, more concerned with waking him, which he has still yet to do.

 

“I will… when I’m ready.” His voice echoes so I can’t pinpoint his location.

 

“What’d you hit us with?” I try to gently turn Elijah’s head to look at the wound but I’m afraid to move it too much so I don’t manage to see the injury.

 

It takes John a little while to answer. “A bat.”

 

“What no gun?” I challenge, looking around for something I can use to stop the bleeding.

 

I hear John chuckle. “Oh I’ll get one, don’t worry.”

 

I don’t see anything and besides, I don’t want to leave his body which would leave it open for attack by John. “You could have just taken me. Why bring Elijah into this?”

 

“He’s just as much as a gay whore as you are.” I hear him answer.

 

“I hope you know I hope you go to hell.” I mention. “I’m sure there’s a special place reserved for you.”

 

“Then I’ll see you there.” John says.

 

“Why don’t you just let Elijah go, he has nothing to do with this, he doesn’t even know you.” I try.

 

John chuckles again. “He’s a faggot Castiel, he is part of this.”

 

“So you going to kill him after you kill me?” I ask in anger, the thought of him killing Elijah outraging me.

 

“If he doesn’t die by the head injury.” I clench my jaw in anger. “Well it was nice chatting with you Castiel, I’ll be back.” I hear a door shut somewhere but I’m not sure where. It wouldn’t have helped if I did anyways, I can hear John chaining the door now.

 

I continue to try and wake the unconscious man and it takes about ten minutes before Elijah wakes. He groans in pain, eyes tightly shut, and turns on his side to throw up. I rub his back soothingly. He opens his eyes, a glassy look to them, and looks to me. You can tell he’s trying, and failing, to focus on my face. “Castiel?”

 

He tries to sit up but I gently nudge him back to the floor in a lying position. “Stay lying down, you may have a concussion.” He has his eyes shut again and I can tell he’s in severe pain. “How’s your head?” It’s a stupid question but I feel like I should say something.

 

“It feels like there are a million jack hammers pounding in my head and on top of that, there’s probably a thousand trains joining in.” He says with a pain filled look.

 

I can’t help but smile at his choice of analogy, however. “Nice way of describing it.”

 

Elijah opens his eyes and gives me a weak smile. “I thought you’d like it.” He tries to sit up again and ignores my protests. I help him scoot back a little and lean against a pile of something or other. “So what happened?”

 

I shake my head. “John Winchester.”

 

Elijah nods and looks to his lap. “Of course.” His eyes travel to mine again but they still look slightly glossy. “I guess we didn’t get that police protection in time. I would love to know how he found where you were.” He leans his head against the something or other and closes his eyes shut tightly in pain.

 

“You going to be okay?” I ask in concern.

 

He takes a deep breath. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

 

“You already did once.” Elijah manages a small chuckle.

 

“I know that, I was there.” He jokes.

 

Silence engulfs us and minutes pass before I decide to say something. “Elijah?” He hums to let me know he’s listening because he has his eyes shut again. “I just want you to be prepared to be insulted pretty badly. John is not shy when it comes to the gay insults.”

 

Elijah lifts his head and looks at me with understanding. “Thanks for the warning. I think I’ll be fine though, I’m used to it.”

 

“What do you mean?” I ask, curious.

 

“The people in my high school weren’t exactly accepting of my orientation.” He tells, looking at his lap. “They didn’t like it at all, including my friends.”

 

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” I sympathize.

 

He shrugs, closing his eyes once more. “It’s all in the past, doesn’t matter. I’m proud to be who I am, don’t care what others think anymore.”

 

“I don’t know if this will make you feel better or not, but people in my high school pretty much shunned me too.” I smile when he peeks open an eye to look at me. “But like you, I’m over it. I’m me, can’t change it, might as well be proud of it.”

 

“Are you sure you’re depressed?” Elijah asks jokingly and we both chuckle.

 

I look at him, studying his face and watching as he breathes with his eyes shut. For some strange reason, with seeing how peaceful he looks in this moment, I can’t help but think how handsome he looks. In this tiny moment, the few seconds of silence, I think he is the most handsome and giving person in the world. “I don’t know, maybe I’m getting better.”

 

He peaks his eyes open at me, looking extremely tired. “Well I suppose that’s good.” Again his eyes close as if it’s painful to keep them open. I have a bad feeling. “How’s your head now?”

 

“The pain has subsided a little… not much though.” I answer. “You?”

 

He shakes his head. “It feels like a migraine times a thousand.”

 

“Still feel like you’re going to throw up?” He nods. “Are you going to throw up?” He shrugs and it troubles me. “I’m going to go see if there is a way out.” Elijah nods his acknowledgement, agreeing with me.

 

I get up and walk around, every step causing this pounding pain to radiate in my head. It makes it hard to walk and I begin to feel nauseas. I don’t find a way out other than the door John used but I do come across a black mixing bucket. I pick it up and carry it over to Elijah.

 

Elijah is bents over, eyes squeezed tightly shut in pain. I drop the bucket and jog over to him as fast as my pounding head will allow. “Elijah? Hey, hey, Elijah?” I cup his face and force his head to face my way.

 

He slowly opens his eyes and looks at me. “I think I’m going to throw up.” He says breathlessly and painfully. I nod and rush over to the bucket, bringing it over to Elijah and handing it to him. He grabs it just as he pukes; dipping his head to make sure it gets in the bucket.

 

I rub his back as I wait it out, ignoring the smell of vomit mixed with blood that is churning my own stomach. Once he’s done he sits back heavily, shoulders slouched, head tilted back, and eyes closed once again. He sighs as he sit there, resting his body against the artificial back rest. He’s sweating now and it’s pretty heavy too, along with uncontrollable shaking. I’m really worried.

 

“Elijah, can I check your head wound?” I ask but I don’t give him time to answer. I’m not sure if he would have anyway. I sift through his hair that is now heavily clumped with blood. There’s so much blood though, that I can’t see the wound, all I manage to distinguish is the fact that it’s still trickling out blood.

 

I hear the door open then and I peer around the corner to see John coming back. I go next to Elijah, who is now breathing really heavily. “I half expected you to come back with Dean.”

 

“I’m having a little harder time trying to find him.” He claims. He then holds up something shiny and it makes me flinch. “Looky what I managed to scrounge up.”

 

It’s a gun, a bright, shiny silver hand gun. “Not as nice as that rifle years ago.” I say sassily.

 

John chuckles and manages to wake Elijah up, the guy lifting his head and looking at the man. “Oh, you’re alive. Elijah Dongoski, it’s nice to finally meet you. I’m John Winchester, the man that’s going to kill you and your best friend here.”

 

“Leave him alone.” I growl to John.

 

John isn’t fazed and continues to talk to Elijah. “Castiel told you why I’m doing this right?”

 

Elijah smirks. “Go to hell you stupid son of a bitch.”

 

John cackles in amusement. “I feisty faggot, nice.” He stops abruptly. “It’s not going to help you much though; either way… you’re both going to die.”

 

I can tell Elijah is having a hard time staying conscious and he’s extremely pale. “Okay John listen, please.” I start. “Just let Elijah go, he really needs a doctor.”

 

“I would assume you would need one too.” He looks to me.

 

“Yes but not as bad as Elijah. Please he has nothing to do with this. You can keep me here but not him, please?” I beg and I can see John thinking about it.

 

He purses his lips before answering. “Nah, I want Dean to see his little boyfriend suffering.”

 

“Dean and I aren’t even dating anymore.” I claim. “Okay? We broke it off months ago… please.”

 

He gets right in my face and places the gun up to my temple. “Begging isn’t going to get you anywhere, faggot.” He then goes up to Elijah who, surprisingly, still has his eyes open. “And you… you know all gays are fucking whores.” He gets right in his face, placing the gun on his temple too. “You go and fuck every guy you meet in bars, huh? You sticking with that faggot over there,” He motions to me. “Just to get in his pants, have him fuck your ass with his dick, hard. Or maybe you like top…” He then gets up and steps away from us. Once he’s a good distance away, however, he turns around to us. “All you faggots make me sick and you turned my son into one. My son is dead because of you.”

 

“Last I checked Dean is still alive.” I challenge.

 

“No.” John shakes his head. “Not the Dean I knew, now he’s some pussy with a dick up his ass.” He gets this malevolent look in his eyes. “No, my son is dead, and you’re going to pay for it.”

 

I continue to be smart with him. “You couldn’t kill me once John, what makes me so sure you can now?”

 

“Oh I’ll be able too.” He grins malevolently. “But that’s not what I’m starting with.”

 

“What do you mean?” I ask nervously.

 

His grin widens and his look turns more evil than anything. I’m terrified. “Oh, you’ll see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always feel dirty and awful after writing John’s parts. I really dislike writing all those insults but unfortunately they are needed for story purposes. :( I really hope I didn’t offend anyone.  
> Thank you for reading. :)


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26:**

 

I watch as John twiddles around, going here and there, moving this and that. The gun is lying on a shelf and if I was sneaky and quiet enough, I’d be able to get to it and grab it. Problem is, Elijah has his head resting on my shoulder, breath running down my neck causing small shivers to run through my body. He’s still shaking and he has now begun to breathe shallowly. I don’t trust leaving him so I leave the gun alone.

 

“Castiel?” I hear Elijah ask quietly in my ear.

 

I turn my head slightly to look at him. “I’m right here.”

 

He nods but doesn’t say anything. I wonder what he wanted to tell me, if anything, before John turns to the both of us. “Look at you two, cuddling like two whores.” I don’t let it get to me. In fact I just stare at him defiantly. “You know Castiel, it’s funny how much information you can dig up on one person.” He picks up a bottle that kind of looks like a liquid medicine bottle. He then takes a needle and sucks some of the liquid into it. “I hear you liked to get high.”

 

I snort, pretending to not freak out. “And where exactly did you hear that?”

 

“Around.” He says nonchalantly, striding over and kneeling in front of me and Elijah. He looks to the man beside him and I wrap a protective arm around him, my other hand going to shield his face. He smirks the turns to me. Before I know it he has my arm, sleeve rolled up and the needle jabbing into my arm. I struggle against him but it’s too late, I can already feel the liquid entering my arm, I can already feel the effects, the light headedness, of the drug. He lets go of my arm after pulling the needle out. “Hmm, this shit works fast.” He takes a hold of Elijah. “Come on.” John drags the man up by the arm and slings that very arm over his shoulder. For a minute I get my hopes up that he is letting him go but instead he carries him to the low hanging chain that John just put up. John ties Elijah’s wrists in more chain and hooks it to the hanging chain.

 

“What are you doing?” I ask through the haze of being high.

 

John steps away from Elijah, who is now hanging there limp, head bowed in unconsciousness. “I suppose it’s a good thing he is currently not with the waking world… though he will be soon.”

 

“Don’t you hurt him!” I yell and I try to stand up but the concussion that I probably have mixed with being high, only causes me to sink back down to the grungy floor.

 

John grabs a knife then and I can feel my heart rate racing in my chest at an imaginable speed. “Yeah… and what are you going to do about it if I do?”

 

“Please.” I whisper, not loud enough for John to hear but more like a prayer. I feel the tears start sliding down my cheeks, body shuddering. “Please.” I say louder so John can hear this time.

 

He walks back to Elijah, lifting his face with the flat end of the knife. Then John grabs a clump of Elijah’s hair and pulls his head back. This still doesn’t wake the man, however and if I didn’t know any better, I would say he was sleeping peacefully. With the new angle of his head, you can see all the sweat that is accumulating on Elijah’s face.

 

John takes the knife and very gently, not hard enough to cut him, runs the sharp end of the knife along Elijah’s forehead and cheek, all the way down his neck. “So he’s the one who replaced Chuck…” I’m still crying so I don’t say anything. “Interesting…” John turns to look at me. “Do you love him?”

 

I squeeze my eyes shut and bow my head, not able to answer because of the bawling. I hear John snort so I look back up to him, taking a deep breath.

 

“Do you love Dean still?” John asks but I still don’t answer him. “Hmm, interesting… do you know Castiel,” He runs the knife over Elijah’s face again. “that your eyes give you away. You can read the answers in your eyes.” He looks to me intently. “The only question now is, who do you love more… my son, or this guy?” I shake my head no. “Don’t want to tell me?” He cuts into Elijah’s neck which finally wakes the guy and causes him to squirm. It’s not a big gash, just this tiny cut that doesn’t even bleed much. “You tell me now.” I start to cry harder and he lifts Elijah’s shirt, exposing his skin and digs the knife into his stomach. A stream of blood oozes out and Elijah flinches away but being tied to the ceiling manages to get him nowhere.

 

“Stop.” I plead.

 

“Then answer me!” John digs in hard and it actually causes Elijah to cry out in pain.

 

“Dean okay?” I fold. “It’s Dean, it’s always been Dean. Now please stop, please.”

 

John, once again, snorts. “Didn’t I tell you begging won’t get you anywhere?” He says but he does take the knife away and lets Elijah’s shirt fall back down. He lets go of Elijah’s hair and his head flops forward again. I can see he’s exhausted and still in severe pain. “You know Elijah,” John starts to look through things again. “You’re not really that much fun when you’re so out of it you can’t even react to me hurting you.” I see Elijah struggle to look up at the older man but he manages. “I really wish I could hear you scream.” I have to hand it to Elijah, even through the pain and fear I know he is feeling, he still manages to just stare back at John as calm as ever.

 

John takes the chains off Elijah’s wrists and catches him before he falls to the floor. It doesn’t stay like that for long for after catching him, John shoves Elijah over to me. Elijah stumbles and falls, me barely cushioning his fall with the catch I could barely do. I wrap my arms around the limp man and he buries his face into my shoulder. John picks up the gun and knife and begins to walk away, no doubt leaving again. Before he disappears behind some crap he pauses to turn to me. “You should get your priorities straight Castiel, loving two guys… ooh, now that’s a really big sin there.” Then he’s gone, the slide of the door and chain echoing through the building.

 

“Hey, hey, I’ve got you.” He groans, from the pain, in my arms. “It’s going to be okay, it’s going to be just fine Elijah.” I can feel the sweat through his shirt which is clinging to his skin. I then carefully settle him down beside me but he keeps his face buried in my shoulder, not being able to lift his head. “How are you feeling?”

 

It’s stupid I know but I have to say something. “My head… it… it feels like it’s on fire.” He has started to shake pretty bad.

 

“Are you cold?” I ask, shifting away from him slightly in order to look at his face. It doesn’t help though because all he does is slump with me. I feel him nod against me. “Okay, I’m going to go see if I can find a blanket or something.” I carefully get up, making sure he has some sort of support, and start searching around. I ignore the haze in my head that is making me feel light. It’s gotten rid of my headache at least so I can finally stand to walk around without feeling the need to throw up.

 

I finally come across this ratty, old, brown, torn up blanket folded up on top of some old boxes. I quickly peer into the boxes to make sure there is nothing in there that we could have used but all it is are rusted metal pieces to something I’m not sure of.

 

I get back to Elijah and encase him in the blanket. I then join him under the smelly thing. He lays his head on my shoulder again, closing his eyes and going to sleep. I don’t think he should sleep but I don’t stop him, wishing for him to escape this mess for just a little while. I glance at his wound on his head and notice how the bleeding has stopped but also how he has lost a lot of blood. I lean my head against his and close my eyes as well.

 

I must fall asleep because the next thing I know I’m waking up to the sound of the door sliding open and my head pounding from the drug wearing off. I look to where John will be appearing and when he does my stomach drops and I feel sick all over again.

 

Dean is in front of him, knife to his back. “Look who I finally found Castiel, my sweet little son.” I feel like crying again. “Get over there.” He pushes Dean towards us. As Dean walks to me and Elijah his eyes flick from me to Elijah. He stares at Elijah in shock and then he looks back at me in question. When he gets up to the both of us he sits next to me, looking at his father coldly.

 

He shakes his head at his father. “I can’t believe you. Not just me and Cas… but Elijah too? What the hell does he have anything to do with this?” John ignores him and shuffles through some more objects.

 

He turns to all three of us. “I’ll be back, I have to go get something.” He then leaves.

 

“Jeez,” I begin before Dean can say anything. “For someone who is a fugitive, he leaves an awful lot.”

 

Dean ignores the comment and turns to me. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you Cas. Lucifer and the nurses are going crazy, I was going crazy, we couldn’t find Elijah either… what the hell happened.”

 

I shrug the shoulder Elijah isn’t leaning on. “Isn’t it obvious?” Dean rolls his eyes in annoyance. “I honestly don’t really know Dean. He attacked both of us in the hospital, I don’t even know how he got pass the nurses.” I look to Elijah. “He then hit us in the head with a bat.” Tears start to swell in my eyes. “He hit Elijah pretty hard Dean, harder than me.” I look to Dean again. “I didn’t even bleed from it but Elijah…” Dean looks sympathetic. “He’s not doing good Dean.” I whisper.

 

Dean nods. “Okay, let me see.” He gets up and walks to the other side of Elijah. He starts to comb through his hair but the clumps are making it difficult.

 

“He keeps falling asleep. I don’t think I should let him sleep but I don’t know how to keep him awake.” I explain.

 

Dean looks at me then to Elijah. “Elijah? Hey wake up.” He says softly and gives the man a small shake.

 

Elijah groans and peeks open his eyes. “Dean?”

 

Dean smiles at him. “Yeah hey, listen… I need you to stay awake for me.”

 

“I’m so tired.” He complains.

 

“I know,” Dean tells. “But I just need you to stay awake. Talk to Cas, I’m going to try to find us a way out.” He gets up and starts to wonder around.

 

I don’t bother telling Dean that I’ve already tried that and just focus on Elijah. “Tell me something your lifelong dream.”

 

Elijah huffs as he closes his eyes. “My lifelong dream is spending the rest of my life with the man of dreams.”

 

“I suppose that’s understandable.” I say. “Who is your perfect guy, Elijah?”

 

“My… perfect guy,” He pauses. “is someone who is smart, funny, listens to me but isn’t afraid to talk as well and have me be the listener. He has to be nice and caring… and…” He trails off.

 

“Hey hey, you need to stay awake Elijah.” I jolt him to consciousness again. “Can you tell me about the one you love.” I don’t know what makes me say it but I do and it’s already too late to take it back.

 

“The one I love?” He says tiredly. “That’s you, you already know.”

 

I clarify. “How do you see me?”

 

I feel him smile against me shoulder. “You’re smart, funny, very cute way of being serious, great personality, caring, nicest person in the world not to mention handsome. You’re perfect… I lo…” He trails off again.

 

“You need to stay awake.” He doesn’t wake back up. “Elijah?” I try and I even try to shake him when he doesn’t wake but nothing works. I wait for Dean to come back, panic settling in. “Dean he won’t wake up.” I say as soon as he is in ear shot.

 

Dean kneels beside him and checks Elijah’s pulse. “Well, he’s alive.” He shakes the man slightly and says his name but nothing works. Dean sighs. “Okay, let him sleep a little, we’ll try waking him again a little later.” He looks to me. “You look exhausted Cas, why don’t you try to get some sleep too?”

 

I shake my head. “No, I can’t, not when Elijah is…” Tears form again and roll down my cheeks. “He’s dying isn’t he?” I squeeze my eyes shut.

I hear Dean come sit next to me and he draws me in close. “He’s going to be fine Cas.”

 

“I can’t lose him Dean.” I bawl into his shoulder. “I just can’t.”

 

Dean rubs my back. “He’s going to be fine.” He repeats. “He’s not going to die.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. :)


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys haven’t gotten much on Elijah’s past so this one is all about that.

**Chapter 27:**

 

“Tell me your favorite memory.” I say to Elijah as Dean is wondering around the warehouse. We managed to wake him back up after fifteen minutes of trying. Now it’s my job to keep him awake.

 

Elijah chuckles from his place beside me. He has stopped shaking but I have a feeling it’s because his body is so warn out that it doesn’t want be shaking anymore, that it doesn’t even have the energy _to_ shake anymore. “You want me to dig up a memory out of all the ones I have?”

 

I smile, burying my cheek in his hair. “Okay, from when you were a kid.” Something changes in him when I say that. “You’ve never talked about your childhood before so I’m curious of what your favorite memory is of that time.”

 

Elijah doesn’t answer at first. He just leans there silently as if contemplating something. “There’s a lot of memories.”

 

“Yeah but your favorite one.” I feel bad for pushing from the way his body has stiffened slightly but quite honestly, I can’t think of anything else to talk about.

 

“Um…” He begins and he relaxes a little. I look down at him to see that his eyes are open that have been shut up until now. There are red bags around his eyes as well and he’s staring off into the distance, eyes glazed over. Whether the glaze is from the memory he is thinking of or the concussion I’m not sure. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was from both. “When I was young my mom would always put me to bed. This one night, I was five maybe six, it was late and I was excited because it was way past my bedtime but mom let me stay up longer because I wanted to watch her read.” He clears his throat and when he starts talking again his voice is lower. “She was beautiful when she read, like an angel. I could sit there for hours just watching.”

 

He stops so I encourage him to go on with a whisper. “Go on.”

 

“Every night she would read me a bed time story. The cliché children books… but that night,” He pauses again. “that night she decided to start reading the book that I was watching her read. I remember I was so excited because I thought ‘my mom is going to be reading me a grown up book.’ Just the thought of my mom trusting me that much…” I look down at him and I see the love he has for his mother written all on his face. “That was the best. I loved her so much.”

 

I look at him in confusion. “Loved?”

 

I see him struggling to keep his eyes open. “She died… by…” He stops and his eyes glaze over again. “a car accident.”

 

I look away from him. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s fine.” Elijah says. “It was when I was ten so it was years ago.”

 

“Still, must hurt.” I look and his eyes are shut again.

 

I see him nod tiredly. “My dad… he was lost… didn’t know what to do.” His eyes open again and there’s something in them. “He started…”

 

I wait to see if he’ll continue but he doesn’t so I try to push. “… Started…?”

 

His body starts to shake again so when he says shakily, “I-I don’t… don’t want to talk about it.” I don’t push, especially when the tears form.

 

“Okay… talk to me about something else then.” I suggest.

 

It takes him a little while to register what I said but I wait patiently. “Like what?”

 

“I don’t know, anything.” I whisper.

 

Elijah shuts his eyes again. “Will you tell me your greatest memory?”

 

I smile against his hair. “My greatest memory from when I was a kid is this one birthday, before my dad and brother died, my dad was trying to figure out how to work the camcorder. Once he figured it out I opened everyone’s presents to me except for Gabriel’s. When I finally got to his… it was a glass angel.” I feel the tears swelling in my eyes. “I loved that thing and it was the best present ever.”

 

“N… now you’re using loved.” Elijah points out.

 

“My mom has it. When she put me up for adoption, I never got the chance to get any of my stuff myself, Dean and his dad handled it but it was under my bed and they didn’t know about it. So,” I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “As far as I know, it’s still with my mother.”

 

“That sucks.” He says as he snuggles in closer to me, or at least an attempt at squeezing in closer. He can’t really move on his own.

 

“What else do you want to talk about?” He shrugs. “Talk about anything, just keep talking.”

 

“Why?” He inquires.

 

I shift my body to get more comfortable. “I want to hear you talking; I want to hear your voice.” I say softly.

 

Elijah takes a deep breath. “I don’t have anything to talk about.”

 

“Tell me about your mom then.” I say, figuring if he loved his mom so much he wouldn’t mind talking about her.

 

“She was… the best.” He began. “She was beautiful, kind, caring, everything you would want in a mother. She understood you and she always gave you the time you needed. Instead of getting mad at you for something you did and yelling at you, she would talk to you calmly and let you explain what happened. She loved everyone.” His eyes open again and I see them gleaming with tears. “Her parents died before I was born and she was an only child like me. She was all I had.”

 

“But what about your dad?” I ask, feeling a little confused.

 

“My dad?” His voice cracks. “My dad uh…”

 

I quickly but in, feeling guilty. “You don’t have to say anything about him if you don’t want too, I’m sorry I brought it back up.”

 

He’s quiet for awhile and I open my mouth to suggest another thing to talk about but he beats me to it. “My dad was okay until…” I don’t push and let him take as long as he needs. “Until my mom died.” I look down at him and I see tears streaking down his cheeks. “Like I said, he got lost when she died. He started drinking… a lot.”

 

“I can relate.” I say under my breath but Elijah doesn’t notice.

 

“H-he would get drunk every day and tell me that it was my fault that my mom died.” He continues. “He would… I mean he wouldn’t do this at first… but he would hit me for no reason. I would come home from school and he would hit me. I remember this one time I came home from school and asked what I was supposed to tell everyone about how I got the bruises.” He sniffles and I pull him closer to me. “He grabbed me by the arm and just… just started wailing on me, just because I asked a simple question. After that… after that he would start hitting me in places no one would see.”

 

“That’s awful.” I comment.

 

I feel him shrug. “That’s nothing compared to what he…” He buries his face in my shoulder.

 

“It’s okay Elijah, you don’t have to tell me.” I let him know, rubbing his back for comfort.

 

He takes a deep breath. He’s also shaking again. He reveals his face again and says, “I’ve told you this much already, might as well continue.”

 

I shake my head no. “No, no you don’t have to.”

 

I feel him nod. “I want to.” He sniffles again before continuing. “One day, I think I was fourteen, fifteen, I came home from school. He had beaten me earlier that morning so I was quite sore. By now, also, I already knew that I was attracted to men but there… there was no way I was going to tell my dad. But that day, I got caught… caught making out with a guy in some janitor’s closet. The teacher must have called him or something but he… he was not happy… not at all.” He sounds so broken. “As soon as I walked into the house he grabbed me and dragged me to the bedroom.” Realization suddenly comes over me. “He called…” His voice cracks.

 

“Please Elijah,” I protest. “don’t continue.”

 

“He called me so many bad names. He called me a faggot, a whore, slut.” I hate seeing him this hurt and tears start to form in my own eyes. “He started asking me how much I really loved dick and then… he threw me onto the bed and started undressing himself. I can still hear what he said in my head as if he’s standing right beside me. He said if I liked to suck dick so much then I’ll suck anyone’s because I’m a little slut. He made me…” He stops himself from explaining that to me. “He then started to undress me saying that I must like it up the ass.” He squeezes his eyes shut. “It hurt… so much… and I screamed so loudly but no one would come. What he didn’t know is that I was still a virgin, I didn’t even know what he was doing. I mean I hardly knew how to have… have sex with a man at that age, terrified that I would be rejected at school, I didn’t want to know, I wanted…” He catches his breath. “I wanted to be normal. “

 

I’m almost too afraid to ask but I have to know. “Did he at least prep you?” I feel like throwing up just saying it.

 

Elijah shakes his head no and continues to cry. “He said because I’m a little slut that I would be used to it…”

 

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Please tell me that was the only time he did that to you.”

 

Once again Elijah shakes his head no and I open my eyes, feeling like I’m going to throw up. “He would engage in sex with me every day after school, just to make sure I knew how disgusting it was, how disgusting I was. He wanted to make sure I knew to not come out to the school and to not do anything like that with guys.”

 

“Then what happened when you did come out to the school?” Elijah freezes.

 

He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. He takes a deep breath. “I was seventeen when I came out and my dad freaked… After… after raping me that day he tied me to the bed. I was too weak to fight him and I was feeling hopeless by then so I just let him. He then went to the garage and brought in a canister of gas.” I nod in understanding. “He poured it everywhere.” Elijah says. I can see from his eyes that he is reliving the day with the memory. “He told me how much of a disgrace I was and how embarrassing and dirty I was. He said because I had sex with my father that I deserved to die. I didn’t even have a choice whether to do that with him and he blamed it on me.” Tears swell in his eyes again. “He lit the gasoline on fire once he was out of the house. I just laid there, prepare to die because… because I felt like everything my father called me. I did feel disgusting and I wanted to die… I wanted to die so bad.”

 

“How’d you get out?” I question as a tear falls down my cheek.

 

“It’s funny… the neighbor actually called the fire department. Told them that they only saw my dad exit the house but knew I was in there.” He explains. “You should have seen the firefighters’ faces when they saw me tied to the bed. They put a blanket around me because I was naked and carried me out. I actually screamed at them to leave me, let me die. I yelled at them that I was disgusting and deserved to die, I even said I started the fire and I kicked, punched… I just wanted to stay.” I wipe the tears away but more replace them. “When I got to the hospital, I wouldn’t tell them why I was tied to the bed naked, where I got the bruises, nothing. They must have known though because they wouldn’t… they wouldn’t let me go back to my father. The problem was… I wanted to go back to him.”

 

I look at him in shock. “Why?”

 

“Because I thought no one else would want me. The school shunned me, my father thought I was disgusting but at least he paid attention to me. So I thought he would be the only one who would want me.” He claims. “I cried that night when they told me I wasn’t going back to him. I told them that he’s the only one who wants me, no one else will.” He sniffles and takes another deep breath. “So they started an investigation, asked questions, asked my dad questions, examined my body, and stuck me in therapy. Therapy will _never_ get rid of those memories though, never.” He looks up at me. “Don’t cry my amare.”

 

“Amare?” I look at him confused.

 

“It means love in Latin.” He claims.

 

I huff. “Are you trying to change the subject?”

 

He looks at me with sunken, sad, red eyes. He then shrugs. “I’m tired.”

 

I look at him, feeling crushed and depressed, even disgusted. “Answer me one thing and I’ll let you go to sleep for a little while.” He looks at me, waiting for my question. “What happened to your father?”

 

He looks away from me. “He’s… he’s in jail the last I knew. Who knows, maybe some gay guy raped him there and he killed himself because he’s disgusting. I don’t really care. He can be dead all he wants, he can just… just rot in hell for all I care.”

 

“Okay.” I whisper and I pull his head down a little so I can kiss the top of his hair covered scalp. “Get some rest now.” I hear him sigh and I watch as he stares off into space for a few seconds before closing his eyes and nodding off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. :)


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28:**

 

When it comes down to it, eventually you just have to take action. At the moment Dean is telling me, not me and Elijah, but me about his plan. Elijah is still sleeping in my arms, not being able to stay awake. Overall, I’m not really sure what to think about the plan.

 

“I mean Cas,” Dean says enthusiastically. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of this sooner.”

 

“And how exactly are we supposed to get close enough to hit John with something we find lying around?” I ask. “And what exactly are we going to use?”

 

Dean sets me with a glare. “ _I_ will get close to him and there are plenty of things here to do it with.”

 

I roll my eyes. “Something small enough to hide from him?”

 

“Why are you so against this plan Cas?” Dean sighs. “It’s all we’ve got.”

 

“No it’s not.” Dean looks at me confused. “We can come up with something else.”

 

Dean shakes his head and rolls his eyes at me. He then says angrily, “Like what? Huh, Cas? ‘Cause if you’ve got a better plan I’m all ears.”

 

I sigh and look to Elijah. Once again he looks peaceful, as if nothing bad has happened to him. “I don’t know Dean. I just want to get out of here without getting killed, without getting you put on the list of bodies with Elijah… want to get out of here without getting Elijah killed.”

 

I hear Dean sigh and the next thing I know there’s another body beside me. “I know… but he’s dying now and the sooner we get out of here, the sooner we can get him help.”

 

I look to Dean, willing myself to tell him what I’ve been thinking forever. “I want him dead Dean.” I see shock run through his face. “I want John dead. I’m sorry Dean; I know he is your father but-”

 

Dean cuts me off. “Yeah I know, I want him dead too.” He nudges me. “That’s why we need to do this plan Cas, hit him over the head or something, knock him out.”

 

“You are unbelievable.” Dean rolls his eyes. “Good luck with that, you know… getting close enough without John noticing and hitting him hard enough to knock him.”

 

“You know what Cas, you don’t need to be a smart ass.” Dean defends. “At least I’m trying to do something.”

 

Feeling annoyed, I turn back to Elijah, stroking the unconscious man’s cheek, feeling how cold his is. His skin feels like he was dunked in a bucket of water. I panic a little. “Dean?” Dean looks at me, annoyance clearly in his eyes. “Do you really think he’ll survive if we get out of here and don’t lie to me?”

 

Dean studies the sleeping man. “Honestly… I think there’s a slim chance but still a chance.”

 

I scrutinize Elijah’s face. “Okay, we’ll do it your way.” Dean nods and gets up to look for something to use. I watch him searching in the different boxes. “Dean?” He stops mid search to face me. “Why do we always end up arguing?”

 

Dean continues to search, looking away from me. “I don’t know Cas.”

 

I look to my lap. “No matter what we are talking about we always end up arguing.” Dean hums his agreement. I stare at him, wondering what his reaction will be if I ask my next question. “Do you still love me Dean?”

 

I can see Dean getting uncomfortable. “Cas… I’ll always love you, you know that, but… we can just never make it right. To be honest with you,” He turns to me. “I think you’re better off with Elijah. I’m not blind Cas, you love him. You may claim that it’s not the romantic kind of love but let’s face it, you’ve never been really good with feelings.”

 

I don’t deny what he says. Instead I say, “But I love you more.”

 

“Maybe…” Dean searches some more, not being able to look at me any longer. “But Elijah deserves you a lot more than I do. The guy puts you on a pedestal Cas, when did I ever do that? He bends over backwards to try to get you to love him.”

 

“What are you talking about?” I ask, confused.

 

“He devotes everything to you Cas.” Dean smiles to himself. “I’ve never seen someone love you so much. The way he looks at you, you’re everything to him. I didn’t see Lucifer look at you like that, God knows I didn’t. I’m just saying… if you really don’t want to be with him Cas, you should stop leading him on.”

 

“Leading him on?” I say incredulously. “How am I doing that?”

 

“He still has hope doesn’t he?” Dean pulls something metal out of one of the boxes. “Still hopes you two will get together right?” He comes back over to me and sits next to me, placing the metal object behind his back. “And then when I walk into the room and you look at me with that devoted love he shows you, do you even see how his face turns?” I shake my head slightly. “He… looks so sad, like he’s been crushed. I’m just saying… you love both of us, I get that, and because you do, you look at him with love in your eyes, I see it every time you look at him, but then look at me with love also… it breaks his heart.”

 

Dean is making me feel bad. “Can we stop it with the chick flick moment?”

 

“I’m just trying to get a point across.” Dean defends.

 

“Yeah and who asked you to but in. Elijah knows where we stand.” I say.

 

“Do you know?” I’m taken aback, confused all over again. “Do you know where you two stand?”

 

I get defensive. “Of course I do, I’m the one that told him.”

 

Dean shakes his head. “No you told him a lie.”

 

“Just drop it Dean.” I growl out, not really wanting to continue this conversation.

 

Dean throws his hands up in defeat. “Okay, sorry.” We sit there in silence waiting for John to come back. I don’t know what Dean is thinking but I know I’m having an internal battle with my feelings. I feel like my heart has been torn in two different directions, one torn towards Dean, the other torn towards Elijah. The problem is, I’m not sure which one is greater anymore. We hear the warehouse’s door slide open and I squeeze Elijah closer to me. “You distract him.” I hear Dean whisper as he gets up and walks a little away from me.

 

“Hello Castiel, Dean, how’s Elijah doing?” He points the gun at him. “Dead yet?” I shake my head the tiniest little bit. “Well that’s a shame.”

 

“Where’d you go?” I ask, quickly looking at Dean who has yet to move because he’s still in plain sight.

 

“I went to get a bite.” He shows me the bag in his hand and I smell a burger. “It’s hard getting food when you’re a wanted man.” He turns towards the table, putting his back to me and Dean. Dean gets closer silently and when he’s close enough he raises his hand to strike. That’s when John turns around and points the gun at Dean. “Drop it.” Dean drops the metal object and then John hits him in the head with the gun, Dean stumbling backwards and falling to the ground. Dean is clutching his head in pain but other than that, I don’t think John hit him hard enough to give him a serious injury. “Now that wasn’t nice of you two.” He steps closer to me and Elijah. “I was going to have Elijah die from his head injury but now… now I’m pissed.” He points the gun at Elijah and cocks it. “Looks like he’s almost dead anyways.”

 

I quickly get in front of Elijah. “No, wait.” He looks at me angrily. “Don’t kill him, please.”

 

“Get out of my way.” He growls.

 

I shake my head no. “No… you’ll have to kill me first.”

 

“Fine.” Fear enters my chest, not for me but because I know once he kills me he’s going to kill Elijah.

 

The next thing I know is Dean jumping up and onto his father, grabbing the gun. They fight for it and John knocks Dean down to the ground again, but this time Dean has the gun, pointed straight at his father. “Stand down Dad.”

 

John narrows his eyes at Dean and lunges for him. I shut my eyes when I hear a loud bang and a bright flash. I then open my eyes when I hear a pained groan and watch as John falls to the ground. Dean is there on the ground, eyes wide and shaking. I’m sitting there, Elijah supported against my back, shaking as well. I find my voice. “D-Dean.”

 

Dean looks over and something clicks in his brain. He rushes over and begins to lift Elijah. “Come on help me Cas.” I stand and sling Elijah’s arm over my shoulder.

 

Both Dean and I start to drag Elijah out and I turn my head as we reach the door to Dean. “How are we going to get Elijah out of here?”

 

“John stole a car, we’ll take that.” Dean opens the door, struggling slightly with only being able to use one hand. I have to squint my eyes from the blaring light, used to the darkness of the warehouse by now.

 

“How long do you think we were in there?” I ask.

 

“Me? Not that long. You, well you were taken during the night and it’s morning now… a good twenty-four hours.” Dean answers. We get to the car John stole and I get in the back with Elijah. During the drive I begin to drift off, Dean with the radio on low just to get rid of the silence, and Elijah’s very shallow breathing in my ear. “Cas.” I wake with a start, looking at Dean with wide blue eyes. “We’re here.” I look at the clock that is in the car and read 5:34 PM. Dean opens the door for me and I help him get Elijah out. “Help! We need help!” Dean calls as soon as we enter the emergency room. Nurses come rushing up to us, one with a stretcher, and start asking us questions as they roll Elijah away. The nurses begin to leave when Dean stops them. “Wait, Cas needs to be checked out too, he got hit in the head also.”

 

I get annoyed. “It’s not even that bad. I don’t have a headache anymore.”

 

“We better check you out anyways.” The nurse places a hand on my shoulder. “If you’d follow me.” She then turns to Dean as we walk away. “The police will be here shortly if you could just stay there for now.”

 

The nurse brings me into a room and hands me a gown. I quickly put it on when she leaves to get the emergency doctor that isn’t working on any other patient. When the doctor comes in he’s holding a clipboard and looking through some papers. What papers, I don’t know. “What are your symptoms from getting hit in the head?”

 

“Um… I don’t have them anymore but they were a severe headache, nausea, and when I first opened my eyes my vision was black.” I explain.

 

“Did you lose consciousness?” The doctor then asks. I nod. “For how long?”

 

I shrug. “I’m not sure, probably a couple hours.”

 

Doctor Leroy, according to his badge, writes something on a piece of paper. “Okay, this changes my plan. I was going to just give you a MRI since you don’t have any concussion symptoms anymore but because you lost consciousness I think I should give you a CT scan. I’ll go see if it’s ready and will be back in a little while.”

 

I wait there nervously, awaiting the arrival of the doctor to whisk me away to a big machine that is going to be scanning my brain. I’m worried about Elijah though. When Dr. Leroy does come back they take my vitals and then set me in a wheelchair, no idea why because I can walk perfectly fine, and wheel me to a room. They make me put all my metal into this container but I didn’t have any anyway and have me lie on the table that is made up almost like a bed, a nice head rest for my head.

 

Everyone leaves the room and after awhile the machine starts to move. Once it’s done all the doctors and nurses leave me alone, probably to discuss the results. In the meantime, I’m lying there worrying about Elijah to no end. Eventually they come back and wheel me back to the hospital room they had me in. A few more minutes pass before Dr. Leroy opens the door, steps into the room, and shuts the door behind him.

 

“Well,” He starts right away. “Everything seems okay. I would say you probably just suffered a minor concussion.” He smiles at me.

 

“What about my friend?” I ask in concern.

 

The doctor shakes his head. “I’m sorry I’m not sure, someone else is working with him. You can go back to the waiting room if you want but if your concussion symptoms come back, please see me again, even if it’s weeks later.”

 

I nod. “I will.” He leaves the room to allow me to dress and after I make my way back to the waiting room where I see Dean and a couple cops. I really don’t want to talk to them but I tell them my side of the story anyways. It’s only been a few years since John attacked me before and some of the officers actually remember me, giving me their sympathies and saying that at least now it’s over and he can’t ever hurt me again. That must mean Dean killed the bastard.

 

“Cas you okay?” Dean asks when I sit next to him, head in my hands and elbows on my knees, the cops leaving the emergency room.

 

“I’m okay, there’s nothing wrong with me, just a minor concussion.” I say. “Dean, do you think John hit Elijah harder on purpose, to make me suffer?”

 

Dean takes a deep breath. “Probably.”

 

I nod sadly wishing someone would come out here and tell me how Elijah is doing. We wait there for hours before a doctor, the name tag claiming the person is named Dr. Yards, comes up to us. “Did you two come in with Elijah Dongoski?” Both me and Dean nod and stand at the same time. “We just gave him a CT and a MRI scan. Since both can pick up things that the other can’t we thought it would be best to give both. We won’t get the MRI scan results back until at least forty-eight hours, but what the CT scan managed to show us are signs of acute subdural hematoma.”

 

My breath hitches and Dean has to speak for me. “Meaning what?”

 

“The blood is causing severe pressure to the brain, because of this we need to drain the blood from around his brain.” The doctor explains. “How we do this normally is we drill small holes throughout the skull to drain the fluid. Now one problem we have is that Elijah’s skull is also fractured and has lost a lot of blood because of the hemorrhage.”

 

“Okay.” I say to let him know to continue.

 

“That means we only have a limited space to drill but there’s a lot of blood around his brain right now and I think it would be best to risk it.” He says and something catches me.

 

“Risk it?” I ask.

 

“You have to understand; only fifty percent of people normally survive an acute subdural hematoma.” He claims and I feel my heart stop beating. “With how sever Elijah’s injury is, I give him a twenty percent chance of surviving, if that.”

 

I feel like I’m going to faint so I sit back down heavily, Dean’s hands immediately wrapping around my arm. “Cas you okay?” Tears start to form in my eyes.

 

“I do need one of you to sign this piece of paper, giving me the go ahead to perform the surgery.” The doctor holds out the paper.

 

“Cas you want me to sign it?” Dean asks as I bow my head, covering my eyes with the palm of my hands, and cry silently into them. I nod to Dean and I hear him take the paper and then the scrape of the pen against it.

 

“Thank you.” Dr. Yards says. “I’m really sorry but I’ll try my best to have him survive.”

 

“Thank you doctor.” Dean says as the man walks away. I then feel Dean sit beside me and he pulls me into his body. He doesn’t say anything, knowing no matter what he says, nothing will stop my sobs. I shudder in his arms, getting his chest wet, hearing his heart beat breaking for me and Elijah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this isn’t too sad for you this time. At least John is officially gone now! :)
> 
> Thanks for reading. :)


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29:**

 

The need to hit something is great, with me sitting next to Dean, bouncing my leg in frustration because, damn it, I need to know that Elijah is okay. I need a doctor, nurse, anyone to come and tell me that he is alive and well. What's taking so long?

 

The sliding emergency doors open and paramedics bring someone in on a stretcher. Both Dean and I look, curiosity reached in the loud waiting room. Both mine and Dean's jaw drops, watching as they drag John's body through the door, alive and breathing.

 

"What the hell?" I hear Dean say, stiffening beside me.

 

I stiffen too, anger flaring in my chest. I stopped crying awhile ago but if I hadn't, I'm sure I would have at seeing that bastard being dragged in here. I bolt out of the seat, pure rage controlling my actions. "Son of a bitch!"

 

Dean grabs my arm and stops me from lunging at the bleeding, dying man. "Cas, stop it. Calm down!"

 

"No!" I try to go after John again who is now being pushed through the doors to get emergency help. Dean holds me back again. "He's supposed to be dead Dean!" I'm seeing red. "He's supposed to be fucking dead! The cops acted like he was dead!"

 

"Be quiet!" Dean slaps a hand over my mouth. "You need to calm down." The tears come again and they roll down my cheek, pooling at the edge or Dean's hand. "It's okay Cas, it's going to be okay, I promise." He pulls me into him, hugging me close, me burying my face in his shoulder.

 

"No," I begin. "you can't promise that it is going to be okay because you don't know that. Elijah is in some hospital surgery room _dying_ and John, the guy who _put_ him there, is still living and breathing." I take a deep breath and pull away from him. "I thought you killed him."

 

"I thought I did too. I must have missed his heart or something. He probably could still die Cas." Dean says, sounding hopeful.

 

I sniffle, the feeling of rage and disappointment enormous in my chest. I wish he was dead, I really do. I want him dead so bad. "So what, now I have to deal with him for the rest of my life? I'm tired Dean, tired of John being around all the time. I was tired of him when we were dating, I was tired of always looking over my shoulder when he was in jail, and now I'm going to have to do it some more? Damn it, Dean!" I knock the emergency room phone off the side table, hitting it so hard that the cord rips out of the object.

 

Dean grabs me again. "Hey, you really need to calm down."

 

I shrug out of his grasp. "Don't touch me!"

 

I turn around making my way to the exit. "Sorry." Dean says embarrassingly to the other people in the waiting room, who are staring at both of us because of my outburst. "Cas!" He calls after me.

 

"I need some air!" I answer his call with, not looking back at him. I'm sure he is rolling his eyes and shaking his head. I walk out into the frigid air, the coldness of it calming me slightly. I hear feet running after me but I don't turn around, knowing it is Dean. "Leave me alone Dean."

 

“Cas.” Dean says as he catches up. “Look it’s freezing out, let me give you my coat at least, you’re not even wearing one.”

 

“I’m fine.” I say angrily.

 

“No you’re not.” He claims calmly. I hear him shifting out of his jacket. “You’re on edge, sad, tired, pissed… You’re barely holding it together man.” He grabs my arm and makes me stop. Dean then helps me get into his jacket. “You’re not okay, because I know when you’re okay, Cas. I’ve known you my whole life, I know you.” He goes and stands in front of me. I look up to him sadly. “You’re overwhelmed and I get that. I just… I just wish you’d let me help.”

 

“We’re not as close as we used to be Dean.” I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know how to open up to you anymore. I don’t trust you Dean… you or Lucifer. The only person I do trust is dying in the hospital and the only comfort I had was the fact that John was dead.” I shrug again. “But now…” I trail off.

 

Dean stays silent then, not knowing what to say. He then nods and begins walking away. “I understand that you need time alone Cas, take as much time as you need and if any news comes of Elijah, I’ll find you.” I don’t turn around to him and I don’t say anything to him. I just listen as the slide of the doors opening sounds and Dean’s presence is gone.

 

I continue walking, feeling numb like I could cry for hours if I let myself. I don’t though; I just force myself to continue walking. I’m still trying to wrap my thoughts around the fact that John is still alive and the more I think about it the angrier I get and the more an idea forms in my head. I make my way back into the hospital through the front instead of the emergency room. I find my way to the ICU and find the room that John Winchester is in. I feel numb as I watch the nurses working and an officer standing by the door. I wait until the nurses leave and then I just have to wait until the cop gets distracted or something. After a few minutes I watch as the officer checks the time and leaves for some reason. _Great job doing your job._ I think as I sneak into the room, shutting the door behind me.

 

There’s no window in the room so there’s no need to shut the blinds. As soon as I turn around there they are, John’s eyes staring right at me. He chuckles. “You have got to be kidding, the little faggot whore has come to visit me.”

 

“Not visiting you John.” I say lowly.

 

His smile twitches. “Then what’s the honor?” John asks. “What, did that other gay whore die?”

 

I’m shaking with anger. “He’s in the emergency room, with a twenty percent chance of living. That’s your fault John.”

 

His smile seems to grow. “Good.”

 

I clench my jaw in rage. I step up close to his bed and stare into his eyes. “Tell me John, you afraid to die?”

 

His smile falters but it’s soon back full force. “No.”

 

I lean above him, placing my hand beside his left shoulder. “You’re lying.” I smile in wickedness. I get my face really close to his. “I’m going to watch the life drain out of your eyes.”

 

“Oh yeah, little Castiel is going to murder me?” John chuckles and it makes my anger rise. “You don’t have the balls.”

 

I stare right into his eyes and I see a little fear there. An idea forms into my brain. “Tell me John.” I lean closer. “What are you more afraid of… dying… or being kissed by a man?” I press my lips to his and he tries to pull away but the bed doesn’t allow him to. I move my hand to his groin and squeeze so it’s painful. He tries to groan in pain but it’s muffled from my lips. I pull away, seeing the amount of fear in his eyes is uplifting. “You feel like a dirty, gay whore yet John? Feel like a faggot? Huh?” I squeeze his groin harder and cover his mouth with my hand to stop him from screaming out.

 

When I let him go I sit up. “You’re going to Hell.” John pants.

 

“Then I’ll see you there.” I say calmly. I then take the oxygen out of his nose and pinch his nostrils shut. Fear flashes in his eyes but I don’t care. I feel so numb watching as the life drifts from his evil eyes. He struggles a little but the gunshot wound hurts him so much that he can’t struggle much. Soon the machines are indicating that John Winchester’s heart has stopped. I quickly place the oxygen back in his nose and close his eyes. As I open the door and slip away, the cop isn’t back yet.

 

I go back to the emergency room, going back outside to get there. Dean looks up at me when I enter and sit heavily by his side. The image of John’s life depleting won’t leave my head and guilt is starting to weigh on me. “Cas you okay?” Dean asks, jolting me out of my trance.

 

“Yeah I’m fine.” I claim.

 

“Can I ask you something?” I turn to look at him. “If… if Elijah does die… will you be okay or should Lucifer and I be worried?”

 

“You asking if I’ll kill myself?” I clarify.

 

“Yeah. I know it’s not really the time to ask but-” I cut him off.

 

I nod. “Yeah I’ll be fine.” I lie. Truth is, I probably will. I’ll find a way. I don’t care how, I’ll do anything. Elijah was there when no else was, he’s everything to me and I can’t live without him. So yeah, I’ll kill myself if he dies. I’ll do it correctly this time too, no way of stopping me. I’ve tried four times now, I think I’ve picked a few things up and know how to do it now without being stopped. The only problem I would have to face is the fact of how and when.

 

“That’s good.” I hear Dean’s voice, cutting through my thoughts.

 

“Well yeah,” I continue the lie. “I have you and Lucifer back. It’ll hurt like hell if he dies but… I’ve still got you two right?”

 

“Yeah.” Dean nods and smiles at me. Guilt rises in my chest at the fact that I just killed his father. “Hey… uh… Cas, I’m going to check on my father, see his prognosis and if he’s going to live or not.” I let him leave, I don’t know why. I should have stopped him but I don’t. He doesn’t come back for several minutes and when he does he summons me to an area where people won’t hear what we say. “They said my father died.”

 

“Okay, why do you look so surprised?” I ask nervously.

 

“The doctor said that he had a good chance of surviving, still had a chance of dying, but a bigger chance of surviving.” I shift my weight from foot to foot. Dean looks at me suspiciously and somewhat knowingly. “Did you kill John?”

 

I shake my head frantically. “No.” After saying it I realize how eager and quick that seemed.

 

Dean narrows his eyes at me. “Good, let’s keep that way.” He leans into my ear. “You didn’t see him, we never had this conversation, understand?” I nod and he leans away from me. “Good, so John died from the gunshot wound.” He then walked away and sits back at our seats. I’m left standing there, in shock and staring at nothing. I soon join Dean back in the chairs and he pulls me into his side. I rest my head on his shoulder and we both continue waiting in silence.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30:**

 

When it’s a life or death situation, you try not to panic but normally in the end, you do. That’s exactly what I try to do when Dean nudges me awake. I wake from a dream I was having of Elijah dying and I was at his funeral. “What, what’s wrong?”

 

“Cas, it’s okay.” He has is hands up in a calming nature. Dean then motions in a direction with a snap of his head. I look over to see Lucifer walking towards us.

 

“Lucifer?” I ask confused and then look to Dean.

 

He shrugs. “I called him.”

 

“Angel you okay?” Lucifer sits next to me, looking scared and concerned.

 

I nod but it soon turns into a shaking no. “Elijah is in a surgery that he probably won’t even survive.”

 

Lucifer places a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “I know… Dean filled me in.” He pulls me into a hug. “I’m so sorry Angel.”

 

“I just want him to be okay.” I say, burying my face in his shoulder and breathing in his scent. I’ve missed this, being able to be with Dean and Lucifer like old times. I pull away from Lucifer and look to the emergency room’s back doors leading to the area where they take care of the patients. “He’s been in there forever.”

 

“It’s been at least an hour and a half if not more.” Dean fills in and I look to him.

 

“How long was I sleeping?” I inquire.

 

Dean shrugs again, thinking. “About twenty minutes maybe a little more. I would have had you sleep longer but…”

 

He trails off. “No it’s okay; I’m glad you called Lucifer and woke me up.”

 

We wait there for at least another good twenty minutes, my head leaning on Lucifer’s shoulder with his hand rubbing comforting strokes on my arm, when the doctor finally comes out of that room. I stand up immediately.

 

“How is he? Did he…” I can’t bring myself to finish the question, it hurts too much.

 

“He’s fine for now. I’m actually surprised he’s survived this long.” I breathe a sigh of relief. “He’s not out of danger yet, he still could possibly pass but I would say his chances have gone up about ten percent.”

 

“Thirty is better than twenty Doctor.” I comment.

 

“Yes but it’s not ideal.” He says. “I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.” I nod in understanding but I can’t help it, I need something to hope on, something to grab onto and just hold on with all my strength. “He’s currently in ICU, one and only one you guys can go and see him right now but don’t be alarmed when he doesn’t respond to you. We can’t be sure when he’ll wake up-”

 

I cut him off. “You mean he’s in a coma?”

 

“Where not sure, it could be or it could be just the result of getting a blow in the head.” He looks to Lucifer to Dean and then back to me. “We won’t know for sure until later when we can run more tests.”

 

I nod and then look to Dean who nods and Lucifer who nods as well. I then peer at the doctor. “I would like to go see him if that’s okay.”

 

He nods. “Follow me please.” I follow him into the back, looking around and seeing all the injured and sick people. It makes me wish I was a real angel instead of just named after one that way I could heal these poor people that may or not get bad news or even possibly die.

 

We finally get to Elijah’s room and I enter hesitantly, the doctor leaving and walking to his next patient. I look at Elijah lying there, so many machines hooked up to him and the steady calm of the beating from the heart machine. I told myself, when walking behind the tall figure of the doctor, that I wouldn’t cry but even so I feel the tears pooling in my eyes and I bite my bottom lip. I walk up to his bed and sit in the chair that is there, grabbing his hand.

 

“I’m so sorry.” I bring his hand up to my mouth and kiss his knuckles as tears fall down my cheeks. “I’m so so sorry, Elijah. This is my entire fault.” I squeeze my eyes shut tightly. I then look up and stare at his sleeping face. He looks so peaceful and it’s memorizing. “I’m always getting you into these messes, aren’t I? We haven’t even known each other for a year I already almost get you killed.” I kiss his knuckles again. “I’m so sorry I called you that day. If I didn’t do that then you would have… you would have never got to know me. I would have been just another guy that didn’t call and you wouldn’t be lying here right now.” I take a deep breath. “It’s like I’m cursed or something.” I whisper. “Everyone I love gets hurt; Dean, Lucifer, Chuck, and now you. But now, I’m too attached and I can’t… I can’t lose you Elijah so please… please, just be okay.” I stare at him, waiting, _praying_ that the man lying in front of me, looking like he’s just sleeping, will wake up and be okay.

 

I rub my face, wiping the tears away and I sniffle. “We haven’t had enough time together Elijah. I thought with John dead I… I would feel better but I don’t. I feel like shit because I know I’m the reason you’re here right now and you have a seventy percent chance of dying.” I shake my head. “What am I supposed to do? I just need to know what I’m supposed to do.” I rub my face again out of frustration. “You know you’re so stupid for forgiving me all those times and staying with me. Why would you do that?” I’m getting angry now. “You should have kicked me out, told me to go screw myself and never see me again.” My voice is rising but I don’t care. “I stole a thousand dollars from you for crying out loud… you shouldn’t have forgiven me for that. What the hell is wrong with you? Why’d you…” I’m crying again and I’m so sicken tired of feeling the water dripping down my face. I cover my face with my palms and lean my elbows on my knees. I sob into my hands uncontrollably. “Why? Why’d you give me so many chances?”

 

“Because I love you.” My head snaps up and I’m looking into Elijah’s loving eyes. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. Instead I just sit there in shock. “And…” He sounds tired and exhausted. “I understand what you’re going through.”

 

It flashes in my head, the memory of the story Elijah told me about his father and then I realize that yes, Elijah understands because he’s been where I am, he’s been depressed to the point where he just… gives up. He’s wanted to die before; he’s been to therapy and knows how it is. He understands more than Dean and even more than Lucifer because Lucifer, though he went through therapy, was never suicidal. Lucifer has never wanted to die but Elijah… Elijah has.

 

“Castiel?” I look to the man that looks like he could fall back to sleep any minute and as if he’s in a lot of pain.

 

I quickly get up. “I should get a doctor.”

 

“No wait.” He says with some effort. “Just sit with me for a little while, please?”

 

I nod and sit back down. “Okay.” I whisper and Elijah smiles.

 

“Don’t blame yourself for this okay Castiel.” He says and I go to protest but he doesn’t allow me. “I don’t blame you. I blame that lunatic that Dean has the unfortunate relation to.”

 

“Elijah…” I start but once again he has none of it.

 

“What did I just say?” He warns but it’s not the greatest cause when he looks so weak. “You’re stuck with me whether you blame yourself or not.” He smiles weakly and I huff with a small smile forming on my face.

 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way anymore.” I stand up. “I’m going to get the doctor now.” I smile at him and exit, soon finding the doctor. He quickly examines him and gives me good news, saying that he’s a fighter and now that he’s awaken, has a fifty percent chance of surviving, if not more. He also tells me not to get my hopes up, however. Once the doctor finishes and leaves the room, I sit next to the smiling man again. “You’re going to be okay. I can feel it.” I can see he wants to ask me something but he’s hesitating. “What’s wrong?”

 

He looks at his hand, the one with the IV drip. “I’m just wondering… what happened to Dean’s father?”

 

“He’s dead.” I say, almost too casually.

 

Elijah scrutinizes my face. “What did you do?”

 

I shift in my seat uncomfortably. “Dean shot him, that’s how we got away.”

 

“That’s not what I asked.” He says with a raised eyebrow. “What did _you_ do?”

 

I look him straight in the eyes, unease and nervousness settling in my gut. “Nothing.” He looks at me with a look that says ‘bull’. A few more seconds of staring at each other and then I cave. “I killed him.”

 

“How?” He questions in an accusing manner.

 

I look away from his eyes in shame and guilt. “I suffocated him when he was in the hospital.”

 

He looks at me shocked. “You what?” He says alarmed and starts to have a coughing fit.

 

“Elijah calm down, it’s not that big a deal.” I claim.

 

The coughing settles. “Not that big a deal? You murdered someone. How does that make you any better than him?”

 

“He deserved it and I wasn’t thinking straight.” I say and I look at Elijah’s crushed look. “Can we not talk about this right now? You need to stay calm and rest up.”

 

He looks away, not in anger and not even really in disappointment, but more out of tiredness. “This conversation isn’t over.” He sounds like I let him down and the guilt in my chest increases.

 

“Elijah look I’m sorry, but let’s just put it in the past okay? What’s done is done, I can’t take it back so we might as well move on.” I announce, expecting to drop the subject there but Elijah has another idea.

 

“Does Dean know?” He asks.

 

“Yes.” I say simply.

 

“What does he think of it?” He looks at me but I can’t read what is shining in his eyes.

 

I sigh. “He said that I never went to see him and that we never had a conversation about it.” I answer. “He’s fine with it.”

 

Elijah gives a heavy sigh. “Fine, I’ll move on from it. I just hope it never comes to bite you in ass.”

 

“Me too.” I mutter under my breath as Elijah yawns. “Why don’t I leave so you can get some rest?”

 

I stand but Elijah stops me. “Wait, will you at least stay until I fall asleep… please?”

 

I smile at him. “Sure.” He then closes his eyes and too soon after his heavy breathing fills the room, going in rhythm with the beeping of the heart monitor. I smile to myself, happy that my best friend is okay. Though he still could die, I can’t help but think that everything will be okay. Things will be looking up from here. After all, they have to for my sanity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31:**

 

I have to eventually go back to the hospital, leaving Elijah behind against my will. If it were up to me, then I would be staying with him all night. It is actually Dr. Mills who picks me up and brings me back. I tell Dean and Lucifer to keep me updated with Elijah but I don’t know how long they’ll be staying there.

 

I’m lying on my bed, thinking of what has happened over the past few days. The clock says two-thirty but I don’t think I would be able to get to sleep even if I tried. There are so many things running through my mind that I can’t get my mind to rest. They let me take a shower and changed my sheets for me. I feel clean and fresh but I can’t get the thought of Elijah still lying in the bed at the hospital, still dirty himself. He seems better but I still wish I could do something.

 

“Castiel?” There’s a knock at my door. “Are you okay?”

 

“I can’t sleep.” I answer.

 

“Would you like me to give you a sleeping pill?” The nurse asks in a sweet, gentle voice.

 

I think about it. Though I’ve had little naps here and there I haven’t actually slept in a long time. In fact I’m exhausted right now and I can’t feel how heavy my eyes are. I nod my head and after disappearing for a few minutes, the nurse comes back with a small white pill that I take with some water.

 

She leaves me tucked into bed and I soon doze off into dream land. I wake up without remembering what exactly I dreamt about, however. I yawn as I stretch, feeling like that’s the best night of sleep I’ve had in weeks. I take another quick shower, feeling like I need to scrape last night’s events off myself once again.

 

When I feel clean again I get dressed and ask to use the phone. The morning nurse, who is very happy to see me alive and well, hands me the receiver. “Hello?” Dean’s tired voice sounds from the phone speaker.

 

“Hello Dean.” I say back.

 

“Cas?” He sounds like I just I woke him up. “What are you calling at seven-thirty in the morning for?”

_Seven-thirty? Surely it’s not that early._ I think as I look to the clock and have me proven wrong. “Sorry Dean, I didn’t realize how early it was.” _The pill only put me out for five hours?_ “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

I hear Dean sigh. “It’s fine Cas.” I know he’s smiling. “What did you need?”

 

I take a deep breath before answering. “I was just wondering how Elijah is doing…”

 

“Well,” Dean begins. “When I left yesterday he was fine. I haven’t gotten a call from the hospital pertaining anything bad either so I’m assuming everything is still fine.”

 

I nod to myself. “That’s good.”

 

“Yeah, I think he’s going to be okay Cas.” I can hear the smile in his words.

 

I smile wide myself. “You have no idea how happy that makes me.” I pause but Dean doesn’t say anything so I continue. “I can’t live without him Dean. He’s become too important to me.”

 

“I know.” He says. “Trust me I know. It shows just how you act around him.” There’s a chuckle and then a sigh. “What do you say later I come pick you up and we go to see him, we can even invite Lucifer you want.”

 

“That sounds great Dean.” I say enthusiastically.

 

“One thing though, Cas.” My smile disappears with how serious Dean’s tone has changed. “Are you hearing any voices?” It’s a good and reasonable question. Getting a blow in the head could have brought the voices back for all Dean knows.

 

I answer him honestly. “No Dean I’m not. If anything the blow to my head helped. I haven’t heard a strange voice since.”

 

The mood lightens again. “That’s good.”

 

“Yeah, trust me it’s good. Let’s hope it stays that way.” I comment.

 

“How are you feeling anyways?” Dean asks next.

 

“You mean besides pissed at your father?” Dean huffs a laugh. “Good actually. Elijah’s safe and I’ve still got his friendship, you and I are working things out and Lucifer and I too, I don’t know, it’s good.” I pause to think for a minute. “It would be better if Chuck came-” I’m cut off from the nurse coming in.

 

“Sorry to interrupt honey but you have a visitor.” My heart sinks.

 

Though John is dead I can’t help but feel the fear tighten my chest at the thought of someone out there that is going to beat me over the head with a bat and try to murder me hours later. “Dean I have to go.”

 

“Why? What were you going to say?” I barely register what he is saying as I stare at the nurse.

 

“I’ll…” I explain. “I’ll tell you when you come pick me up. See later Dean.”

 

“Cas wait-” I hang up on him and hand the phone to the nurse that is waiting patiently. I then follow her to the visitor room.

 

When she opens the door and I step through, it takes me a little while to find who is visiting me since others are in the room talking to family and friends as well. But then my eyes land on the person and I stiffen in defense, my jaw tightening. I walk up to the woman sitting at a vacant table, waiting patiently to see me.

 

I don’t sit before I greet her. “What are you doing here mom?”

 

She stands and looks me in the eyes. “I heard what happened on the news.”

 

“How’d you even find me?” I ask, skepticism laced in my words.

 

“One of my coworkers volunteers here and told me when you were admitted.” I look at her in disbelief.

 

“So much for confidentiality.” I mutter under my breath. “So you’ve known all this time and me getting kidnap is what gets you here? What about when I was seventeen and got shot? Where were you then?”

 

She looks guilty at my accusations. “I was in bad place then. A drunk, horrible mother…” She trails off. “I’m so sorry. Listen Cassie-”

 

I cut her off. “Don’t call me that.”

 

She looks taken aback, her eyes widening slightly with the bags under her eyes. “Okay, I’m sorry, I have no right to call you that anymore, I know.” She looks to the floor. “I’m getting help you know. Going to AA meetings and going to see a therapist.”

 

“Guess it runs in the family.” I joke but neither of us laughs.

 

Instead my mother’s eyes shoot up to mine. “I’m trying to get better Castiel and the reason I didn’t come to see you sooner when you were admitted in here a second is because I was scared. I was coward a Cassie.” I allow the slip up, paying it no attention because I’m not buying what she is saying. “But then I heard about the kidnapping and I just worried and worried.” I’m surprised to see tears starting to form in her eyes. “And even though I wanted so badly to drink those worry away, I didn’t because I wanted to come see my baby when he got home alright. I needed you to be alright.”

 

“You didn’t seem to care when I got shot and was in a comma for a month.” I complain.

 

“I know.” She starts. “Like I said, I was in bad place… drinking myself into oblivion, into blackouts where I can’t even remember what I did in the day.” She actually sounds sincere and allow my heart to soften slightly, though I still don’t trust her. “I did pray for you though and after I heard what happened that’s when I started to straighten my life out. I got better in a few years, not perfect or even great but better. I just… I never went to you because I knew you wouldn’t want to see me and that I don’t deserve to be in your life. You were so happy; I didn’t want to ruin that.” A tear slips out of her eye and rolls steadily down her cheek. “I just came here today to see you in your flesh and blood and tell you that. I’m not expecting you to give me a second chance; I’m not even asking that. I just wanted you to know that your mom is fixing her life for you and that your mom still loves you.”

 

She gets up to walk away. “Mom wait.” She turns around and wipes a tear away. “Thank you.”

 

She smiles and cups my cheek, looking after me longingly. She then turns around and I watch as she exits the room. I go back to my room, stunned and speechless. _What the hell just happened?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a short chapter but the next few chapters will be longer because I have a lot to fit into four chapter. :)


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32:**

 

“Yeah and where the hell was she when you were dying in a coma?” Dean is yelling, not happy with the fact that my mother came and visited me. “You cannot be buying her shit.” He looks at me as we stop at a red light.

 

 

“I don’t know Dean.” I watch the light. “She was pretty convincing.”

 

 

“I don’t give a rat’s ass if she is blaming it on being drunk.” Dean steps on the pedal and jerks the car forward when the light turns green. “I’ve been drunk Cas, that’s no excuse. You know what you are doing; hell you still have choices when you’re drunk. She chose to beat you and mentally scar you. She _c_ _hose_ to throw you out when you needed her the most.”

 

 

I sigh. “Dean…”

 

 

“No Cas,” Dean cuts in angrily. “I don’t want you to associate with her; don’t have any contact with her.”

 

 

“She’s my mother Dean and she’s asking for a second chance.” I say quietly, looking out the passenger side window.

 

 

Dean glances at me. “Did you see me give my father a second chance? Hell, you killed my father just so he wouldn’t have a third chance to try to get to you and me.”

 

 

“I thought you were fine with that.” I say, barely audible and I’m not even sure Dean heard. I look out the windshield.

 

 

“That’s your problem right there Cas,” He says, voice calming slightly. “you give people too many chances.”

 

 

I turn to face him. “I recall giving you more than one chance.”

 

 

“And look how that turned out.” He says with dejection, as if he’s sad at how things have turned out. I honestly don’t blame him. His voice is calmer now, more reasonable. “I know you’ve given me too many chances. You’re just too forgiving Cas.”

 

 

“Why do you think I’ve given you too many chances?” I ask.

 

 

Dean shrugs his shoulders. “Like I said, look how it’s turned out, where we are.”

 

 

“I think we’re in a pretty good place.” I comment. “Better than where we were a few weeks ago.”

 

 

Dean huffs and shakes his head. “Yeah, but still… we’re not anywhere near where I want to be.”

 

 

“Where do you want to be Dean?” I ask though I know the answer.

 

 

“You know where.” He looks at me quickly before turning his eyes back to the road. “I know you know where.”

 

 

I look at him, seeing how sad and lost he looks. “I’m sorry Dean. I’m just… I’m not ready to go back there.”

 

 

Dean nods, pursing his lips. “Yeah I know… I understand.”

 

 

The air becomes uncomfortable and it’s almost unbearable. We stop on the side of the road to pick up Lucifer at the his house and then make our way to the hospital. Lucifer has a similar reaction to the news of my mother as Dean had.

 

 

“You’ve got to be kidding?” He says anger prominent in his voice. “What gives that bitch the right?”

 

 

“I agree Lucifer.” Dean says and I just shake my head and look out the window.

 

 

“I mean come on,” Lucifer is leaning forward to look at us. “You were in a coma for a month dying and she never went to see you.” There’s a pause. “You’re not thinking of forgiving her are you?”

 

 

“Apparently not.” I say with clear annoyance. “Because it’s not nice to see a parent once in awhile.”

 

 

“Well join the club Cas.” Dean is angry again. “None of us have parents to go see. I don’t know about Elijah,” Elijah’s story flashes through my mind. “but both my parents are dead, Lucifer doesn’t go and see his parents, and you have one parent that is dead and the other is bitch.”

 

 

“Elijah doesn’t have parents either.” I point out sadly.

 

 

Dean must notice the change in mood because he looks concerned. “You okay? What’s wrong?”

 

 

I look out the side window so Dean can’t see my face. “It’s nothing, I’m fine.”

 

 

“Angel?” Lucifer must have noticed too. “What happened?”

 

I can’t get the image of Elijah’s father doing those things out of my head. “It’s nothing just… Elijah told me both his parents were gone.” I look back to Dean.

 

 

“So they’re dead?” Dean asks for confirmation.

 

 

“His mom, yes.” I say and look away again, feeling uncomfortable.

 

 

I know what Lucifer is going to ask before he even gets the words out. “What about his dad?”

 

 

I shrug. “It’s really none of your guys’ business unless he tells you himself.” I snap, looking back to Lucifer.

 

 

Dean’s eyebrows are hitting his hairline with my little outburst. “Okay Cas, jeez we’re sorry. We weren’t trying to be nosey we were just asking.”

 

 

“Yeah if you didn’t want us to know then all you had to do is tell us, Angel.” Lucifer adds.

 

 

I look at my lap. “I know, I’m sorry.” I shake my head. “I just don’t think he would want you guys to know.”

 

 

“Okay fair enough. It’s not like we’re as close to him as you are so we understand, okay?” Dean points out.

 

 

I nod. “Okay.” When we get to the hospital Elijah is sleeping. I go and sit by his bed and Dean and Lucifer stand by the foot of his bed, hands in the pockets of their jeans. “I’m glad he’s going to be okay. He’s been through so much.”

 

 

“What do you mean?” Dean asks.

 

 

I look up at him from my place. “Just… with having to deal with me and my mood swings.”

 

 

“He stuck around.” Dean says with a smile.

 

 

“Yeah he did.” I smile back and push a piece of hair away from Elijah’s eyes. “Of course he does love me.”

 

 

“Angel.” I turn my look to Lucifer. “You need to stop feeling guilty about not loving him back.”

 

 

“I know.” I face Elijah again. “It’s just… he’s done so much for me and what do I repay him with? Breaking his heart and almost getting him killed.”

 

 

“Cas, my dad doing this to him is not your fault. You got to stop beating yourself up for it.” Dean says.

 

 

I just nod, not being able to convince myself not to blame myself. We sit there in silence for a few minutes until Elijah starts to have a fit in his sleep. His head rocks from side to side and a cold sweat starts to form on his forehead. “Elijah?” I touch his shoulder and shake a little.

 

 

The man bolts upright and looks wildly around. “Castiel?” He looks to Dean and Lucifer trying to calm his deep breathing and speeding heart.

 

 

“You okay?” I ask, looking at him with concern.

 

 

He nods his head slowly, studying his lap. “Y-yeah, just a bad dream.”

 

 

I scrutinize him. “Want to talk about it?”

 

 

Elijah looks up to me and then his eyes shoot to Dean and Lucifer and back to me. “No.” His voice is shaking.

 

 

“Dean, Lucifer… could you go get us some water please?” I ask.

 

 

Getting the hint they both nod and leave the room. “I don’t want to talk about it Castiel.”

 

 

“And would you have just let me say that?” I inquire.

 

 

He huffs a laugh. “No.”

 

 

“So then talk about it.” I ease.

 

 

Elijah shakes his head, looking at his lap again. He looks tired. “It was just a bad dream about John and… by the time I wake up, John always ends up turning into my father.” He’s looking at me now. “John… he reminded me a lot of my father. It scares me.”

 

 

I grab his hand. “I’m sorry.”

 

 

Elijah shrugs. “Not your fault. It’s no one’s really except for my father mentally scarring me and John for being like him.” He chuckles. “At least this time I didn’t get raped.”

 

 

I squeeze his hand. “I would have never let that happen to you. You know that right?”

 

 

He smiles at me. “Yeah I know.”

 

 

“Think you’ll be out of here before Christmas?” I ask, deciding to change the subject.

 

 

“I’m hoping since I still need to wrap your present.” He says.

 

 

“You got me something?” He’s smiling. “After everything I’ve done?”

 

 

“Of course I did.” He playfully punches my shoulder. “You’re my best friend.”

 

 

I bite my bottom lip. “You’re way too perfect.”

 

 

“Why’s that?” I turn in my seat as I hear Lucifer ask the question.

 

 

“Not you.” I say jokingly as I take my water.

 

 

Lucifer gives me a crooked smile. “Awe Angel I’m hurt.”

 

 

We all laugh except for Elijah. “What’s wrong?”

 

 

He tears his eyes away from Lucifer. “Nothing.”

 

 

“You sure? Elijah, you-” I try but he interrupts me.

 

 

“I said I’m fine.” I raise my hands in defense.

 

 

“Okay… sorry.” I say.

 

 

Dean then steps in, looking confused. “Elijah he’s just concerned.”

 

 

Elijah turns his head to look at Dean and the look he gives the man screams shut up and leave me alone. It’s obvious he’s still holding a grudge against the two. “You know Elijah, Dean is the one who saved us.”

 

 

He snaps his eyes away and looks at the bed. “Well then thank you Dean.” It’s laced with sarcasm and Dean doesn’t miss it.

 

 

“Yeah you know it was nothing… just shot my own father.” Dean says with just as much sarcasm.

 

 

Elijah looks at the man in anger. “And I recall _your father_ beating me over the head with a bat.”

 

 

Dean opens his mouth to retort back, I open my mouth to stop the two, but Lucifer beats both of us. “Okay sweethearts, that is enough bickering, time to kiss and make up.”

 

 

“Shut up Lucifer.” Dean snaps back.

 

 

“All of you guys shut the hell up.” I practically yell. “For crying out loud can’t we have one civil moment?” I look at Elijah. “What are you so angry about?”

 

 

“Nothing.” Elijah responds with and I get frustrated.

 

 

“Elijah, talk to me.” He turns to me with anger.

 

 

“No.” I’m taken aback, shocked at the sudden change in mood. I open to say something but nothing comes out. I shut my mouth and look to the floor. I see out of the corner of my eyes Elijah opening his mouth to say something as well but like me, nothing comes out.

 

 

“How about we all just calm down.” Lucifer’s voice rings out. “Let’s uh… change subjects, shall we?”

 

 

“Can you all just please go?” I look up at Elijah in shock.

 

 

“But-” He cuts me off again.

 

 

“Please? I just want to be alone right now, I’m tired.” He pleads.

 

 

Dean looks between us. “Yeah of course.” He walks to the door. “Come on Lucifer, Cas.”

 

 

Lucifer walks to the door and they both disappear. I don’t follow right away, however, feeling slightly hurt. “Why can’t you talk to me?”

 

 

Elijah sighs and smiles at me. “I’m sorry I snapped at you, I’m just… I’m really tired and I don’t trust them Castiel. Look what they’ve done to you.”

 

 

“I know but they’re my friends.” I explain.

 

 

“They weren’t when they kicked you out of their lives.” He says. “Why are you giving them another chance from something so horrible?”

 

 

I rub the back of my hand down his cheek. “They’re all I’ve got besides you. Elijah, I don’t want to lose them again just like I don’t want to lose you. Please don’t make me choose between you guys.”

 

 

Elijah looks surprised. “I would never do that, I’m just trying to wrap my head around why you give them so many chances.”

 

 

“The same reason why you give me so many chances.” I smile at him. “I’ll let you get some sleep, okay?” I bend down and kiss his forehead. “I’ll see you later Elijah.”

 

 

“Bye Castiel.” He says, looking sad as I exit the room.

 

 

“You ready?” Dean asks as I reach them.

 

 

“Before we go,” I say, stopping them from getting on the elevator. “I want to make something clear.”

 

 

They both turn to give me their full attention. “Okay, shoot Angel.”

 

 

“I don’t… trust you two.” They look between themselves, confusion written on their faces. “It’s going to take a lot to get me to trust you again and I’ll tell you right now, if I had to choose between you two and Elijah, I would choose Elijah without even needing to think about it. So one mistake, just one, and you’re out.” I stare at Dean. “I’m no longer going to give chance after chance. I’ve given too many already, so I’m done.” Dean nods in understanding. “I _want_ to trust you again, both of you, but I just can’t right now.” I look to Lucifer and then back to Dean. “That’s why I can’t form another relationship with you right now Dean, because I just don’t trust you enough. I keep thinking that once I get back together with you, you’ll just leave me again. I can’t do that. I can’t,” I look to Lucifer. “give my heart only to have it be crushed again. I’m not trying to be mean here, I’m just trying to be practical and I’m sorry if-”

 

 

Lucifer cuts me off. “Angel, it’s okay.” He points at both of them. “We understand. Never once did we think that it would be easy to gain your trust again. We know we have to work for it and I don’t know about Dean but I’m going to work my ass off for it back again, because damn it Angel, I miss you.”

 

 

“Yeah Cas, I’m going to do everything to gain that trust back.” He steps closer to me. “Starting with… asking you if you’ll have dinner with me tomorrow.”

 

 

My mouth falls open. “Um…”

 

 

“Say yes Angel.” Lucifer whispers in my ear.

 

 

“Y-yes.” I say and smile as I see Dean’s own wide smile.

 

 

“Good, now shall we get going?” He asks and Lucifer and I nod our heads.

 

 

That night, I must say, I go to bed pretty happy.


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33:**

 

For our date, Dean brings the both of us to this very fancy restaurant. He rented me a suit to wear and is wearing one himself. We are sat at a reserved seat, away from others. I wonder if Dean did this to be sweet and private or if he did it so others wouldn’t hear us if we get into an argument.

 

We order our food and then sit there in silence until I decide to speak. “Fancy.”

 

Dean squirms in his seat. “Yeah well, I wanted this to be a wonderful date for you.”

 

“What is it my Christmas present?” I ask.

 

“No, Christmas is tomorrow, I’ve got something better planned.” He smirks at me. “In fact, Lucifer should be carrying out part of that plan right about now.”

 

“Really?” I look at him with amazement. “What kind of plan is this?”

 

“It’s a surprise.” Dean teases.

 

I smile at him. “I haven’t been able to get any of you guys’ presents and I would really like to. Especially Elijah, no offense, it’s just he’s done so much for me I feel like I should.”

 

“None taken, I understand.” Our drinks are placed in front of us and Dean sends the waitress a little smile. “If you want, we can go shopping after this.”

 

I choke on my drink, coughing as it goes down the wrong pipe. When I get myself together, Dean looking worried and amused at the same time, I comment. “By the time we get out of here it’ll be eight o’clock.”

 

Dean shrugs. “So?”

 

I huff a laugh. “Don’t you think it’ll be a little late to go shopping?”

 

“Cas, Christmas is tomorrow, it’s kind of the only time we have.” Dean explains.

 

I roll my eyes, feeling amused. “Okay fine, but I don’t think you told the nurses I would be gone for so long.”

 

Dean looks to the ceiling in a thinking manner. “I’ll give them a call, tell them you’ll be out a little later than expected.” He then pulls out his cell phone and dials the number for the hospital. I wouldn’t be surprised if the number is burned into his memory from the last time I was there. When a nurse picks up he tells her or him what is happening and then hangs up just in time for our meal to get out here.

 

We eat in mostly silence, making small talk here and there. When we are done Dean pays and then drives the both of us to a store to go shopping. It takes me awhile trying to decide what to get the people that have been amazing to me. I decide to get the hospital staff a box of chocolate that will be placed at the front desk for them to pick whatever they want. Dean thinks I’m crazy for even getting them something but then I just come back with, “Dean, they have had to deal with me twice now, I have to get them something.”

 

I then decide to get Balthazar something. I figure I should to show him that he means a lot to me and that he did the best he could to get me better. I remember Balthazar saying something about psychiatrists not being allowed to accept gifts from their patients so I debate with myself whether or not to just get him a card, but then I think about how I’m no longer _his_ patient. I decide to get him a paper weight of a “stretched brain”. I’m sure he’ll get a good chuckle out of it.

 

Next is Lucifer. I go to the book section and pick out a joke book for him. He always likes to make fun and joke around, similar to my late brother, Gabriel, so I think it’ll be perfect for him and Dean also gets a kick out of it. When it’s Dean’s turn I try to get him to leave my side but he won’t budge and just says to pick something and he’ll act surprised. By this point in time, since it’s already nine at night, I really don’t care, so I wonder the store looking for something.

 

I eventually find a shot flask. It’s a flask that comes with a foldable shot glass that you can put into the side of the object. When I show it to Dean, he chuckles and says that would be perfect for him so I put it in the cart Dean is pushing around. I also grab him a seven deadly sins shot glass set.

 

Looking for something for Elijah is hard. I want to get him something that shows that I care a lot about him and that he means the world to me. I want to show him that I wouldn’t want to lose him for anything and that I’m also sorry for causing him so much pain without actually coming out and saying that I’m sorry. I get him a card where you can write your own message and then go around trying to find him something. I eventually settle on oil candles where the flame will cast a shadow of trees. The five trees are labeled pine, magnolia, nest which has two birds in nests, cedar, and bloom. The box announces that the flame flickering makes the trees look like they are blowing in the wind. I think it would be perfect for Elijah and when I run it by Dean, he agrees.

 

We go to check out, me paying for all the stuff because luckily I remembered to bring my wallet from my room, and then we carry the bags to the Impala. As I get into the passenger side and Dean the driver’s side, I turn to him to ask a question. “Do you really think they’ll like the gifts? Maybe I should have gotten Lucifer something different.”

 

“Cas.” I stop talking immediately. “It’s fine, they’ll love them, I’m sure.”

 

“You sure?” I inquire.

 

Dean rolls his eyes and gives me a reassuring smile. “Yes, that’s what I said wasn’t it?” He turns the key in the ignition. “Now, let’s get back to my place and wrap these up.”

 

We sit in silence for the whole drive back to his place and when we get there he helps me carry in the bags. My head is starting to hurt so Dean sends me off to relax on the couch saying that technically I still have a concussion. He gives me a glass of water and some _Advil_ to take for the pain and then goes to get the wrapping paper, scissors, and tape.

 

When Dean comes back, he moves the coffee table away and we both kneel on the floor. I take Elijah’s present first, grabbing the wrapping paper Dean isn’t using and start to measure out the length I need to cut.

 

“You remember our first Christmas as a couple?” I look up to Dean with a nostalgic smile.

 

“I recall you getting mad at me for being happy with what I got Lucifer.” I remind him.

 

Dean rubs the back of his neck in shame, small smile playing at his lips. “Yeah that’s right, I almost forgot.” He looks up after placing the tape on the seam. He is wrapping Balthazar’s present. “Guess I just wanted to remember the good parts of it, like making out with you when I brought you back.”

 

“Is that where your mind goes first?” I ask with a chuckle.

 

“No.” He huffs. “Of course not.”

 

“Yeah right.” I say as I finish wrapping Elijah’s present.

 

“Want me to wrap my own present?” Dean asks playfully.

 

I grab the two objects out of his hand. “No, it’s bad enough you know what they are.”

 

Dean grabs the flask back. “Why wrap it up anyway?” I grab a hold of the flask but Dean doesn’t let go. “You got me two presents, can’t I keep this one?”

 

I shake my head. “Dean, it’s tomorrow, I think you can wait one night.” I try pulling the object away from him but it doesn’t budge.

 

“I don’t want to.” He says stubbornly. Dean then yanks the flask, pulling me forward in surprise, the sound of crinkling wrapping paper going unnoticed, and then me not so gracefully falling on top of Dean who is now lying on his back.

 

We stare into each other’s eyes, Dean with a smirk on his face, and me with a surprised red tint covering mine. “Did you do this on purpose?”

 

He must have heard the panic and accusation in my voice because his smile falls. “No I… I didn’t mean to pull you forward with the object, I thought you would let go, honest.”

 

I look him in the eyes, looking for a hint of lying but it’s not there so I believe him. I nod my head slowly. “Okay.” I clear my throat. “We should probably continue wrapping the gifts.” I say but I don’t get up.

 

Dean’s smile returns. “In order to do that, Cas, you have to get off me.”

 

I turn even redder than I already am. “R-right, sorry.” I splutter. I then push myself up but Dean pulls me back down. “What?”

 

Dean doesn’t answer me, just stares at my eyes. His mouth opens and closes as if he’s trying to think up an excuse as to why he pulled me down so abruptly. “I uh… I’m just…” He clears his throat. “I forgot how much I like you being so close to me.”

 

I stare at him. “I’m not kissing you.” I say bluntly and I curse at myself for sounding so harsh.

 

“Didn’t expect you to.” Dean comments, looking entranced from my eyes. “I won’t kiss you either if you don’t want me to.”

 

“Good.” I try to push up again but Dean’s arm is holding me in place. “Can you let me go?”

 

Dean hesitates with answering. “Y-y-yeah.” He loosens his grip and lets his arm flop to the side of his body. All of a sudden, I don’t want to get up. I’ve missed this, feeling Dean’s warm body pressed up against mine. I get up anyways, though, feeling the loss immediately. Dean sits up as soon as I do. “Shall we continue?” I nod my head.

 

After we are done, Dean offers to keep the gifts at his place and then brings me back to the hospital. “Guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean says. Ever since the little incident at his place, it’s been extremely awkward between the two of us. “See you tomorrow.” He turns but I grab his hand before he can fully leave.

 

“Dean.” He turns around. “Thank you for today.”

 

He smiles warmly. “No problem Cas.”

 

I lean up on my tiptoes and kiss his cheek. “I had fun.” I whisper in his ear.

 

He pulls back, looking at me in shock. “Me too.” He smiles and then walks out of the room.

 

I go to my bed and lie down. Things are looking up and hopefully with the New Year, it’ll be a fresh new beginning.

 

I wake up to commotion in my room and I open my eyes. There stands Dean, Lucifer, and to my surprise, Elijah. “Elijah? Were you released?”

 

He nods. “Yeah, yesterday afternoon. Lucifer came and got me.” He comes over, walking slowly and looking as if he’s in pain. “I’m still a little weak, though.” He gestures to my bed. “Mind if I join you?”

 

I shake my head no, moving over to give him room. “No, of course not.”

 

He crawls into the bed and snuggles up close to me. “Thanks.”

 

“Okay,” Lucifer begins and we all look over to him. “Merry Christmas everyone!”

 

“Merry Christmas.” We all echo.

 

“Presents?” Lucifer holds up a bag. “Or Pie, first?”

 

“Pie.” Dean says from beside the man. “There’s no contest.”

 

I chuckle as Lucifer starts to dish out the pie to everyone, happily squirting Dean with whip cream when the man said that it would just ruin the pie. We all eat, laugh, and drink the water the nurses came around with. Once we are done with that, we begin on gifts. Dean hands them out and we all open them with anticipation. At one point I look up from my half unwrapped gift to look at Lucifer who is chuckling at the gift I got him.

 

Dean does in fact act surprised when he opens the presents from me which I promptly set him with a glare. In turn he gives me a playful smirk. Dean also got a beer shot glass from Lucifer and a beer bottle cozy from Elijah. What Lucifer got besides what I got him was a teddy bear holding a heart from Dean as a joke gift, Dean giving Lucifer an eyebrow waggle, a wink, and then a blown kiss, which Lucifer responded with an obscene finger gesture. He got a tie from Elijah, Elijah saying he can wear it to work. I can’t help but smile knowing that Elijah actually listened to me while I talked about them, whether he was interested or not.

 

Elijah gets a watch from Dean and then a chess board from Lucifer. I’m honestly surprised each of them got each other something. I was expecting Dean, Lucifer, and Elijah wouldn’t give each other anything. I wait to watch Elijah open the gift that I got him before opening the one he got me. When he has it open a beaming smile forms on his face. “Castiel… I… I love it. Thank you so much.” He pulls me into a hug and then begins to read the card I got him. Tears literally form in his eyes as he reads and I smile with happiness. “This is… amazing. Thank you Castiel.” He looks up at me. “Thank you so much, for everything.”

 

“I should be saying that to you.” I say shyly.

 

Elijah holds up the card. “You’ve said enough.” He hugs me again. “I’m glad you entered my life too.” We pull back and smile at each other. “Go on, open the present I got you.” He wipes the tears away.

 

I set the other gifts aside, a new wallet from Lucifer and two rings from Dean. The rings were both religious based, one having three crosses on it and the other with one cross on it with a prayer going around the whole ring. I love them and hugged Dean when I opened them, putting the two on my fingers immediately. When I get Elijah’s gift to me all the way opened, my jaw drops and I look up to him and then back down at the present. It’s a camera, but not just any camera, it is the _Canon T4i_. It’s a great camera if you want to transition from the point and shoot to taking more complex pictures. It comes with multiple lenses, a touch screen, and a great low light performance, along with fast shooting, not to mention this camera costs $599.00.

 

I smile wide. “Thank you Elijah, I love it.” I hug him tight and then pull away. “But seriously, you… you spent too much.”

 

He shrugs. “Nah, I wanted to, for you.”

 

I smile and huff in disbelief. “Have I ever told you you’re amazing?” Elijah smiles back and I hug him once more. “Thank you, all of you, you guys are… the best. You guys just being here is the best gift I could ever have.”

 

“Well same goes to you Angel.” Lucifer says. For the rest of the time we talk about random things and make plans for the New Year’s celebration. Elijah eventually falls asleep on my shoulder, still being quite tired from everything. When it starts getting late Lucifer offers to bring Elijah home. “I’ll bring sleepy head home, make sure he’s all settled in and going to be okay for the night since I know Dean… isn’t exactly done with you yet Angel.” I look to Dean in questioning but all he does is shrug his shoulders. Lucifer gently prods at Elijah. “Time to go home, I’m bringing you.”

 

Elijah looks up at him skeptically but doesn’t protest. He slowly gets up, still looking like he’s in pain but he also looks a little better than he did this morning. “I’ll see you later Castiel, thank you.” He hugs me.

 

I squeeze him back and whisper in his ear, “Thank you too, Elijah, for everything. I’ll see you later.” I kiss his temple in a friendly way and watch as Lucifer guides the man out. “I hope he’s going to be okay at home by himself tonight.”

 

“Don’t worry, Lucifer and I already talked about it. He’s going to be staying with him tonight.” Dean tells me.

 

“Lucifer and Elijah?” I look at him worriedly. “I hope they don’t tear each other’s throats out.”

 

Dean kisses my temple as he comes and lies next to me, back resting on the head rest. “I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

 

I nod, still a little worried, and then turn to him. “What’s this about you not done with me?”

 

Dean smiles and gets back up. “First, let’s go give the chocolates to the front desk and your present to Balthazar.” I follow him out to the front desk. The woman behind the counter smiles at me and gives me her thanks. We then tell her my plan about Balthazar and she calls a nurse over to bring both Dean and me to him.

 

When we get to his office, I knock and wait for him to look up. “Castiel and Dean, it’s so good to see you two.”

 

We walk in. “It’s good to see you again too, Balthazar. It’s been a long time.” Dean greets.

 

“That it has.” He says. “So what can I do for you two?”

 

I blush and hand him the present. “Merry Christmas.”

 

He smiles at me and opens it, chuckling when he sees it. “It’s perfect, thank you.” He immediately places it on his desk. “I’m sorry but I don’t have anything for you.”

 

“Oh it’s fine, I didn’t expect you to have anything for me.” I say. “I just wanted to give you this out of the goodness of my heart and to say thanks.”

 

“Thanks for what?” He asks.

 

I blush even harder. “Everything you did back then, even if it didn’t stick, it still helped.”

 

“You’re welcome Castiel.” He smiles. “I’m glad to have met you, both of you.”

 

“You too, Balthazar.” I smile at him, hug him, and then say goodbye.

 

Dean and I walk back to my room with the nurse, the lady telling Dean visiting hours end soon, and then she leaves us alone. I turn to him, not knowing what to say, and just stare. He turns red and sticks his hand into his pocket. “I have… one more thing for you.”

 

“You do?” I look at him and smirk at the blush that is creeping up his neck.

 

“Yeah.” He pulls a box out of his pocket and hands it to me.

 

I slowly open it and stare at what is in it. “You kept this all these years?” I look up to him, tears forming in my eyes.

 

“Yeah, it may not have the greatest memories attached to it, but… I guess it has sentimental value.” Dean says embarrassingly.

 

I smile, looking back down at the object. I always thought he threw this thing away. In the box is the dog tag with the cross on it, the one I used to secretly cut myself all those times before. “I…”

 

“If you don’t want it because it has too many bad memories attached to it then I’ll take it back.” Dean offers his hand out.

 

I pull it to my chest, holding it close. “No.” I say quickly. “It’s okay, I want it. Like you said, it has sentimental value. And Dean,” Dean looks up from staring at the floor. “This time I’ll make good memories with it.” I smile at him.

 

“Good.” He says quietly.

 

I walk up closer to him, standing on my toes. I kiss his lips lightly, Dean pulling away slightly in surprise but not enough to disconnect our lips. I pull away. “Goodnight Dean.”

 

It takes him a little while before he responds. He turns a bright red color and I smile at it. “G-goodnight Cas.” He turns on his heels and leaves the room.

 

I go to my bed and lie down, not yet ready to go to sleep. I hold the dog tag close to my chest, smiling wide and feeling extremely happy.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34:**

 

It comes as a shock but I’m released from the hospital on the thirtieth of December. Besides evaluations, nothing much has happened in the last few days. Dean would come and visit me once in awhile along with Lucifer so with the both of them visiting at different times; it kept my days pretty busy. Elijah never came to visit, however, and I’ll be the first to admit that it bummed me out. Lucifer went to check on him once every so often and claimed he was okay but it never stopped me from worrying.

 

At the time of my release, Elijah does come. I think Lucifer dragged him out against his will because he doesn’t look too good. “You okay?”

 

He just nods and smiles at me which in turn worries me even more. “So,” I turn to Dean. “I guess we have a little problem we need to solve.” I look at him in question. “Who do you want to go and stay with? I’m happy to have you at my place if you want.”

 

“Same here Angel.” Lucifer adds.

 

I look between them and then to Elijah who is looking intently to the ground. I face the two men who offered again. “Actually, I think I would rather stay with Elijah if that’s okay with him.”

 

I turn to look at the man who is looking uncomfortable. “I don’t know Castiel.”

 

“What?” I’m surprised. I never would have expected Elijah of all people to deny me from living with him and him doing so makes me know something is wrong. “Okay, I guess I’ll um…”

 

“You know what,” Elijah begins. “I don’t know what I was thinking; of course you can come and live with me.”

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask, looking at how pale his face is.

 

He nods again. “Yeah, I’m just tired.”

 

I look at Dean and then to Lucifer. “I… I guess we should get going then.” Everyone nods and heads out to the parking lot. Apparently Elijah didn’t drive to the hospital because the doctors told him not to drive yet, so both he and I climb into Lucifer’s car, both of us in the back. Dean gets into the passenger seat so I gather Lucifer just picked everyone up. During the drive, which to Elijah’s apartment is only a twenty minute drive, Elijah falls asleep with his head resting on the window. “I thought you said Elijah was okay?”

 

Lucifer looks into the rearview mirror as he pulls into a parking space to let us out. “He’s been telling me that he’s been fine. He didn’t look this bad yesterday, I swear. Do you think I wouldn’t tell you if he wasn’t doing okay?”

 

I sigh. “No I don’t think that. I’m sorry.” I then gently shake Elijah who wakes with a start. “We’re here.” I smile lightly at him and he smiles back weakly. We both get out of the car and watch as Lucifer pulls away, both Dean and him waving goodbye.

 

Once we’re inside Elijah’s apartment I look around. Nothing has changed, everything being the way they were when I left. I look at Elijah and see how he seems more relaxed. “It’s going to be weird having you here again.”

 

I walk up to him and place a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you for letting me stay here. I promise I’ll help with rent once I get a job.”

 

He turns around and looks into my eyes. “Anytime, I’m sorry I almost said no, I have no idea what I was thinking.”

 

“It’s okay.” I say with another smile. “You know, it’s going to be weird waking up in a place without nurses.”

 

He huffs a laugh and then walks to the kitchen. I follow and lean on the door frame. “You hungry? It’s almost time for supper.”

 

“Sure, you want help?” I ask because though he’s more relaxed, he still seems like he’s going to fall down any minute.

 

He shakes his head. “No it’s okay, you go relax on the couch. We can watch a movie.”

 

I can tell there’s no arguing with him and though I’m hesitant, I eventually go into the living room and start looking through his vast collections of DVD’s. I pick out an action movie and pop it into the DVD player. By the time Elijah comes out with two plates of grilled cheese, I have the movie paused at the first scene. He hands me my plate that consists of two grilled cheeses and his is the same. We curl up on the couch in the dark with only the TV screen as light. Elijah is on the end and I’m sitting close to him, legs pulled up to my chest so that my feet are nestled on the couch. My head is also resting on Elijah’s shoulder.

 

By the time the movie ends, Elijah is breathing deeply beside me, fast asleep with his head resting on the back of the couch. I get up and place the DVD back in its case and then in its right place on the shelf, keeping the TV on for light. I then gently shake Elijah who groans from sleepiness but complies when I pull him up. I shuffle him to his bedroom and lay him in his bed, pulling the comforter up to his chin.

 

I try to walk away then when a hand grips my wrist. “Castiel?”

 

I look down at the drowsy man. “Yeah Elijah?” I whisper.

 

“Could you stay?” I see him blush in the dark. “That way you don’t have to sleep on the couch.”

 

I nod. “Of course, let me just go shut the TV off.” He lets me go and I walk out into the living room once more. I glance everything over and then shut the TV off with the remote. I then go back to Elijah and climb into the bed, scooting over to the other body beside me. I wrap my arms around Elijah’s slim body, kissing into his hair and saying goodnight. I then shut my eyes and wait for tomorrow.

 

I wake up with the spot beside me empty. I yawn and stretch, wondering where Elijah could have gone off to. I get up and walk out to the kitchen where Elijah is scrubbing at the dishes, getting them ready for our New Year party. He looks considerably better than he did yesterday and I assume it’s because of how much he slept yesterday. “Hey.”

 

He turns his head to look at me and smile. “Good morning.” He looks back at the plate in his hands.

 

I grab a dish towel and begin to dry. “When should we put the ham in?”

 

“Well,” He looks me up and down. “Did you sleep in your clothes?”

 

I blush a deep red. “Yes.”

 

“I still have your clothes here you know.” He says as he hands me the plate. “They’re in the same place they were when you left.”

 

“Thanks.” I set the plate down and wait for the other.

 

“I bought a seven pound ham, that way there will be enough for everyone and extra for if they want to take any home. Also there should be enough for how much Dean normally eats.” I chuckle at that and he gets a sweet, shy smile on his face.

 

“I should put it in the oven at least an hour and a half before the guests arrive but I may put it in two hours ahead just to be safe.”

 

“Okay, that seems fine.” I comment. “You feeling better today?” I ask.

 

He nods. “Yeah.”

 

“You look better.” I point out. “But are you sure you’re up to this whole party? We can cancel and just watch the ball drop just the two of us.”

 

“No I’m fine.” He says, draining the sink. “I’ll be fine.” He smiles at me as he dries his hand on the dish towel I’m trying to dry a bowl with.

 

“Okay if you say so.” I sigh as I watch him walk into his room and stay there until it’s time to start making dinner, only coming out once to hand me a change of clothes. Along with the ham we are also having mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, squash, turnip, carrots, green beans, and corn. I try telling Elijah he is going overboard but then he just comes back with the fact that he needs a variety because he doesn’t know who likes what. “Dean and Lucifer will eat anything.”

 

He chuckles. “Then the more the merrier. At least they won’t go hungry.”

 

“Yeah.” I shake my head in amusement. The ham and everything else is almost done being cooked when there is a knock at the door. I go and open it to see Dean and Lucifer. Dean is holding four pies and I shake my head with an amused smile.

 

“Ironically we both got here at the same time.” Lucifer says as I let them both in.

 

“Got enough pies Dean?” I ask, thinking about how we are going to be stuffed by the time the New Year even comes into existence.

 

“Well,” The green eyed man eyes the four pies. “In the store I was presented with apple, pumpkin, chocolate cream, and lemon pie. I couldn’t decide which one I wanted so I just got all four.”

 

I chuckle and kiss his temple that causes Dean to blush. “Cute.”

 

A shy smile forms on his face as he goes into the kitchen. “Hey Elijah.”

 

Elijah turns around from his place by the stove. “Hey… four pies?” He looks to the food he made and frowns.

 

“Is that sweet potato… and…” Dean sniffs. “Hmm, squash.” He sets the pies down on the island. “It looks good Elijah.”

 

Elijah looks at Dean and lights back up. I can’t tell if Dean said that because he could see the conflict on Elijah’s face or if he was sincere, either way, I’m glad he said it. “Okay then, shall we get setting the table?” Elijah opens the oven and then suddenly gets really still, his face going completely pale.

 

“Hey let me get that.” Dean walks up to Elijah who side steps to allow Dean to grab the ham out of the oven with the hand mitts. He pulls it out and begins to carve it with the electric knife Elijah hands him.

 

Lucifer and I help with setting the other food on the table and Elijah helps as well, trying to act fine. I keep an eye on him, worry creeping in. Once the table is all set, all four of us sit around it, me sitting on Elijah’s right and across from Dean and Elijah sitting across from Lucifer, and dig in. A lot of talking goes on and it makes me happy to see Elijah getting along with Lucifer and Dean, even laughing once in awhile at some joke they say. The only thing that isn’t making me happy is the fact that Elijah has hardly any food on his plate and has hardly eaten. I know he doesn’t like squash or turnip but he likes sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes, along with carrots and corn, but even though all that is on his plate, they are small portions and he’s only taken one or two bites of the food.

 

While Dean and Lucifer are arguing about something playfully, I lean over to Elijah. “You okay?” He nods slightly but it’s not convincing at all.

 

Soon it’s time for pie and everyone has a slice of at least one, Dean having a slice of all four, except for Elijah, claiming he is full. When we all are done with the pie we clean up the table and leave the dishes in the sink to take care of later. We all sit around the couch, me snuggling up with Dean and Lucifer promptly sitting himself next to Elijah which is confusing to me and earns Lucifer a confused look from Elijah, and watch a movie. We decide on a comedy and are laughing through the whole thing except for, once again, Elijah who is sitting at the end of the couch. I lean away from Dean slightly to look around Lucifer and at the man. I notice him resting his elbow on the armrest and massaging the side of his head. I feel the worry rise slightly but I ignore it and lean back into Dean.

 

The movie ends with an hour to spare so Dean switches to the channel that will make it so we are able to see the ball drop for the New Year. Elijah looks like he is in pain so I get up and face him. “Elijah, why don’t we get the punch ready?” Elijah gives me a look like he knows what I’m going to be asking him.

 

“I’m fine.” He says as we enter the kitchen and before I can even say anything.

 

“No you’re not; stop lying to me, please.” I say as I get the ingredients out for the punch. “What is wrong?”

 

He takes the punch and pours it into the bowl as I take the _Sprite_ and do the same. “I just have a headache. It’s upsetting my stomach a little.”

 

“Are you allowed to take anything for it?” I ask, knowing the doctors would have put him on some kind restriction.

 

“ _Tylenol_.” He says simply. “I took some this morning but it came back.”

 

“Is that what was bothering you yesterday?” I plop the sherbet into the drink and see at the corners of my eyes him nodding. “Does it hurt bad enough to make you not want to watch the ball drop?” He shrugs. “Okay, why don’t you go to sleep? Take something for your head and just go to bed. I can handle those two out there.”

 

He looks at the floor. “Are sure? I mean I don’t really care if I don’t see the ball drop; the New Year will still be there when I wake… I just don’t want to leave you alone.”

 

I sigh. “Elijah, I can see how much pain you’re in right now, I’ll be fine if you turn in early.” He nods slowly and shoots me a thankful smile, walking away to the bathroom to take something for his headache and then he goes off to his room, shutting the door behind himself softly.

 

I pour three champagne glasses of punch and bring them out to the two men that are still on the couch. “Where’s Elijah?” Lucifer asks as I hand him the glass.

 

I hand Dean his glass and sit back down next to him. “He has a headache so he went to bed.”

 

“Oh…” Lucifer says and looks back to the TV. He must have seen the worry on my face because then he says without looking away from the TV screen, “He’ll be fine, the doctor said he may experience some headaches.”

 

I nod and rest my chin on my knees. “I know.” I feel Dean’s hand rub my back in comforting strokes. Soon the countdown starts and Dean and Lucifer get excited. I don’t, however, too worried about Elijah to focus on it.

 

“Happy New Year!” Dean and Lucifer say at the same time with enthusiasm, granted they were quiet because of Elijah sleeping in the other room. Dean leans over and kisses me on the mouth and smiles at me. I smile back, trying my best to act calm.

 

We all sit there and talk for a little longer until one in the morning. Dean and Lucifer then decide to leave and we all say goodbye at the door, the cold chill of night making its way into the warm apartment. “Happy New Year you two.” I shut the door as they leave and walk to where my clothes are. I change into some pajamas and then walk over to Elijah’s bed only to see his eyes are squeezed shut. “You okay?” I ask softly.

 

He shakes his head no and groans. “I think I have a migraine.” He says so quietly that I almost don’t hear him. “Hurts.”

 

I sigh in sympathy and crawl into the bed with him, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him to my chest. I can feel he’s a little too warm but not quite fever warm. “Shh, it’ll be okay. I’m sure you’ll feel better in the morning.” I stroke his hair soothingly and he soon falls back to a restless sleep. I stay up all night.

 

During the night Elijah’s temperature slowly rises to what I think is a low fever. I can feel the heat radiating off his body and he begins to sweat profusely. I start to worry so much that I eventually opt to get up and take his temperature.

 

“Elijah, I’m going to take your temperature.” I hold up the electronic thermometer up to his mouth which is clamped down in pain. I stroke his cheek which makes the man relax enough to open his mouth but his eyes stay squeezed shut. He has a fever of one hundred and one degrees. “Hey, you stay in bed. I’m going to get you some more _Tylenol_.” I go to the bathroom and pull out the bottle. When I open it I see that there is only one more pill left. It worries me and I think it over as I get him a glass of water to swallow the small pill with. Once done with that I go back to his room and help him sit up, handing him the water and pill. He takes them with shaky, sweaty hands. “Hey Elijah?” He lies back down, barely getting the cup on his side table. “How long have you had this headache?”

 

He shrugs under the comforter. “I don’t know, a few days.”

 

“During or after you left the hospital?” I inquire.

 

“A few days before I left.” He answers and I scrunch up my eyebrows in concern. “They said it would go away.”

 

“Well apparently it’s not.” I say, starting to walk away. “I’m going to make you an appointment to see a doctor… no arguments.” He nods as I exit the room. I pick up the phone and dial the hospital number. A receptionist answers. “Yes hello, I would like to make an appointment for Elijah Dongoski to see a doctor about a headache he has had for quite a few days now.” The woman on the other line asks me a few questions and then makes the appointment. “Thank you.” I hang up and go back to Elijah’s room. He’s sleeping soundly so I decide to make him some soup.

 

The soup gets done and I force Elijah to sit up and eat the liquid food. He only eats half of it before he complains about feeling queasy. I try to take his temperature again but he swats me away, saying he’s fine and that he just wants to sleep. I let him, going to the couch and turning on the TV. I sit, the volume on low, and don’t really pay attention to what is playing on the screen. Two hours go by slowly and I have no idea what I just watched. Then I hear retching and coughing. My heart speeds up and I jump off the couch, rushing to the bathroom and almost tripping on my own feet in the process. There in the bathroom, leaning over the open toilet seat is Elijah, body convulsing with every gag and sweating heavily. “Elijah?” I walk closer. “You okay?”

 

I know it’s a stupid question but it’s all I can think of saying. He opens his mouth to answer me but all that comes out is another flow of stomach acid, him throwing up all the soup already. After he is done spilling his guts, he rests his forehead on the rim of the seat, eyes squeezed shut. You can tell he’s in severe pain. I kneel down beside him and rub up and down his back. “It…” He struggles. “hurts so bad.”

 

“Your head?” I ask.

 

He nods and I see the tears slip pass his shut eyes. Seeing the tears let me know how serious it is. Elijah wouldn’t be crying over some minor headache or even a migraine. “It feels…” He opens his eyes and glances at me, sniffling. “l-like someone i-is stabbing a-a knife into my… my brain.” More tears fall. “It hurts so badly.”

 

“Okay, okay.” I rush out of the bathroom and pick up the phone. The other line picks up after two rings. “Dean?”

 

“Cas?” He must hear the urgency in my voice. “What’s wrong, what happened?”

 

“Can you just come please?” I look to the clock, realizing he would be in work but I can’t stop talking because I’m freaking out so much. “I-It’s Elijah… something is wrong Dean.”

 

“What’s wrong, is he acting weird or something?” Dean asks.

 

“No,” I say, slightly annoyed. “He has this… severe migraine and he’s throwing up and-”

 

He interrupts me. “Cas, Cas, hey… calm down. I’m sure that’s all it is, a migraine.”

 

“Can you just please come?” I try not to cry, feeling my heart pound incessantly in my chest and I’m shaking.

 

Dean hesitates and he must be analyzing the panic in my voice. “Okay I’ll… see if I can leave.”

 

“Thank you.” I then hang up, hearing Elijah throwing up again. I return to him and pull him into an embrace. He leans his head on my shoulder as I rock him back and forth, grabbing the thermometer from the shelf and placing it in his mouth and under his tongue. When it beeps I pull it out and look at the temperature. It reads one hundred and three. I hear him whimper and shake in my arms and he’s still crying. “It’s okay Elijah, Dean is coming.”

 

About twenty minutes later and a lot more retching later, there’s a knock on the door. I stop stroking Elijah’s back and stand, going to the front door. I open it to see Dean and let him in. “Where is he?”

 

“Bathroom.” I lead the way. “He has a one hundred and three degree fever Dean.”

 

His eyebrows shoot up as he stands in the bathroom doorway, peering in at the man hunched over the toilet. “That’s high.” He goes over to Elijah and kneels beside him. “Hey Elijah,” He begins to rub his back in circular motions. “You don’t look to hot.”

 

Elijah manages out a strained chuckle. “Thanks Dean.”

 

Dean studies him a little longer, looking worried. “He’s been having the same headache for days, but just this morning the headache got worse his fever got worse, so I made him an appointment at the doctors but then…” I don’t finish, motioning to the pained man.

 

Dean looks Elijah up and down. “I think we should bring him to the hospital right now.” He stands back up. “We don’t want to risk his fever getting higher than it is and we can get that migraine checked out.”

 

“Maybe they released him too soon.” I mutter.

 

“Elijah, can you stand on your own?” Dean grabs his arm to support him when the man tries to stand. He whimpers and falls back to his knees, puking into the toilet again, or at least trying too; he no longer has anything to bring up. “Here I’ll help you.” Dean pulls up and beckons for me to help. I go on the other side of Elijah and pull him up. Dean slings one of Elijah’s arms over his shoulder and I do the same. You can feel the immense heat coming off his body.

 

We place him in the back of the Impala, me sitting beside him, and Dean drives to the hospital. When we get to the hospital Dean and I help the man out of his seat in the back and help him inside the building. While we are at the counter Elijah throws up again, his stomach acid coating the tiled flooring. They take him in immediately.

 

I wait anxiously, pacing back and forth, not being able to sit still. Dean joins me after only sitting for about ten minutes. The doctor doesn’t come out to talk to us for another twenty minutes. “Castiel and Dean?”

 

“Yes?” Both Dean and I rush up to the woman.

 

“We did a CT scan on Elijah’s brain so we could get results immediately.” She begins, getting right to the point. “By the looks of it, we think he has a brain abscess.”

 

I feel the color in my face drain. “Is it dangerous?”

 

“It’s not a tumor or cancer or anything like that.” She reassures, seeing the worry in mine and Dean’s faces. “But yes it can be life threatening if not treated immediately.”

 

“How’d this happen?” Dean asks.

 

“Well for him, there’s one of two ways.” She explains. “Either, bacteria got into his brain when he got the wound from the bat or it was when the doctors did the draining to relieve the swelling.”

 

I’m worrying. “Is this type of thing common?”

 

“Brain abscesses aren’t necessarily common in trauma patients but it can happen.” She looks from me to Dean and back again. “The same goes with the draining for the swelling of the brain. There’s nothing the doctors could have done to prevent it. It’s only a matter of chance.”

 

“So,” I switch which foot has all the weight of my body. “what can you do?”

 

“We can either do a drainage again to relieve the pressure and hope that the brain heals itself with antibiotics, or we can go in surgically and remove the abscess.” She says. “The thing is, if we try the antibiotics and it fails he’ll die, but if we remove it there could be possible brain damage.” She looks at my crestfallen face with sympathy. “Since you’re his emergency contact,” That takes me by surprise. I never thought I would be Elijah’s emergency contact. “and he has no family on record we can contact; I’ll leave the decision up to you of what we do.”

 

I weigh the options and decide. “Do the surgery. At least with the surgery he has a chance to live.”

 

She nods and walks away. “You sure about that?” Dean asks.

 

I stare after the doctor’s retreating back. “Yeah, I’m sure.”


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35:**

 

I’m pacing and driving Dean crazy, I know it, but I can’t stop. I’m nervous, scared, angry, and just plain tired all packed in one emotion so I can’t sit still. It also doesn’t help that a few minutes ago Dean left and got both of us some coffee that I ended up practically chugging down.

 

“Come on Cas, let’s just go get something to eat. We don’t even need to leave the building; we can go to the hospital’s cafeteria.” Dean insist, standing up and coming over to place a hand on my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks.

 

I turn to him, almost startled. “I’m not hungry.”

 

“This surgery could take hours.” Dean whines, looking like a little kid that didn’t get his way. “Come on Cas, you need to eat something.”

 

I rub the back of my neck, hearing and feeling my stomach growl with hunger. _Fucking traitor._ I think as I sigh. “Fine, but we stay in the building.”

 

Dean’s smile brightens the whole room. “Deal.” He leads me to the elevator and down to the basement level. Soon we are walking into the cafeteria that resides at the hospital. “So, what do you want?”

 

I look around the great expanse of the room. It’s basically a free for all. Food and drinks out in the open for your taking. All you have to do is pick something and go up to the counter to check out. There’s also someone behind the counter in the kitchen to take your order if the food that is out to take is not ‘appealing’ enough to you.

 

“Um... I’ll just have a tuna sandwich I guess.” Dean looks at me as if I’m crazy.

 

“Are you crazy? That’s all you’re having?” I roll my eyes. “Fine...” He turns to the man behind the counter. “Do you guys do hamburgers here?”

 

“Dean, eventually you’re going to have to be here for a carotid artery.” I mumble but both Dean and the man ignore me.

 

“I can.” He says, looking at Dean as if he is expecting him to order just that.

 

Low and behold, Dean then says, “Okay, I’ll have that.” I roll my eyes again. Dean picks out a table and we sit across from one another. We are halfway through our meals when Dean looks at me seriously. “So Cas...” I raise an eyebrow in question. “How are you doing... uh... not with the whole Elijah thing but with the depression?”

 

It takes me a minute for what he said to process. “Um... I’m fine, you know that. If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be out of that hospital.”

 

“Yeah but...” I was afraid of this. “With everything going on with Elijah now... it’s just... I want to make sure you didn’t relapse.” There’s a long pause and then, “again.”

 

I sigh in annoyance. “I’m not hearing any voices if that is what you are referring to.”

 

“Okay.” Dean says in defense and I just realize how the tone of my voice was harsh. “Not just that though, I mean depressed too.”

 

I bite my cheek in anger and annoyance. “No I’m not, I’m fine.”

 

“So...” Dean begins and I shake my head in disbelief. “You’re not sad or anything with Elijah in here?”

 

“Dean,” I snap. “I’m fine. It is your own fucking father’s fault, not mine so why the hell should I feel anything but anger?”

 

Dean’s hands shoot to the side of his face, palms pointing at me in defense. “Okay, okay, no need to get angry.”

 

“Then leave me alone.” I say, taking a large bite of my sandwich.

 

“Okay, sorry.” Dean  murmurs and he too goes back to eating. We don’t talk again until we get back to the waiting room and the doctor comes out to talk to us.

 

“We managed to remove the abscess successfully but we’ll only fully see the extent of the damage when he wakes up.” She says, giving Dean and I a reassuring smile before walking away, telling us that she’ll let us know when we can go back and see him.

 

“Hey Cas?” I turn to look at Dean. “Why do you think you are his emergency contact and the doc also said that he has no family on record for them to contact but what about his sister, Sandra?”

 

My eyebrows scrunch up and I tilt my head in confusion. Sandra, the girl that Dean dated, and the girl that Elijah said is his sister. _What the hell?_ “I... have no idea.”

 

“You know... I still have her number.” I look at him suspiciously. “Only because I haven’t deleted it yet.”

 

“Why?” I ask, getting defensive.

 

“Does it really matter right now?” I back down but I make sure I’m wearing a face that says ‘we’re not done with this’. “I was wondering if I should call her and let her know what is going on?”

 

I look to the floor in thought. “Well...” My eyes go up to Dean’s face so I’m looking through my lashes. “He must not have her on there for a reason right?” Dean shrugs and nods at the same time. “We should probably respect his wishes and let him decide whether to tell her or not.”

 

“Okay.” Dean agrees.

 

“So, why haven’t you deleted her number yet?” I ask and Dean looks at me as if he was hoping I forgot about it.

 

Dean shrugs again. “I don’t know... I just... I haven’t really thought about actually sitting down and going through my contacts to delete them. Everytime I do think of it I’m doing something so I don’t have a chance and when I finally do I forget to do it.” I look at him unbelieving. “Honest Cas, I haven’t talked to her in ages.”

 

I sigh for what seems like the hundredth time. “Okay, I believe you... this time... but as soon as we find out if Elijah wants us to call her you are deleting her number.”

 

Dean leans in close to me. “Okay, fine by me.” He then pecks my lips and smiles as I smile back.

 

That’s when the doctor comes out, walking over to us with a pleased smile on her face. “Elijah has just now woken up and he’s asking for you,” She motions to me. “Which is a good sign. We won’t know the extent of the damage until a little later on, when he’s able to move around and think more clearly. You can go and see him now if you want though.”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” I say with a smile. I then turn to Dean. “You coming or staying out here?”

 

“I’ll come.” He claims and we follow the doctor’s retreating back. We go through a pair of double doors and pass a few empty and occupied beds. We eventually get to Elijah’s however.

 

When the doctor moves the current and we step through, Elijah’s head snaps towards our direction and a huge smile forms on his face. “Hey, how do you feel?” I ask.

 

He shrugs and smiles some more. “I’m no longer in pain but I think that’s the painkillers.”

 

We all chuckle and then the doctor begins to speak. “Elijah is going to need some intensive sleep so make sure he stays calm and relaxed and please, don’t stay too long.”

 

“We won’t.” Dean agrees and we watch the doctor leave.

 

I step up to Elijah’s bed. “You gave me quite the scare... again.” I say, sitting down on the edge.

 

“I’m sorry.” He apologizes. “I really didn’t think anything was wrong you know?”

 

“I know just...” I begin. “The next time you’re in so much pain, tell me so I can take better care of you.”

 

“I don’t need you taking care of me.” Elijah claims.

 

I sigh. “And that kind of mindset is what almost got you killed.”

 

“I’m sorry.” He says again and then looks to Dean. “Thank you for coming and helping Castiel out with getting me to the hospital.”

 

“No problem.” Dean answers and I hope, really hope, that maybe Elijah and him could form a mutual friendship. “It’s not like I was going to just leave you to die... though now I have a lot to explain to my boss.”

 

“Will he understand?” Elijah asks him, looking guilty.

 

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Dean says then turns to me. “In fact I should probably call him and explain things.” Dean then gets up and walks out of the room, digging his cell phone out of his pocket and looking at it to dial his boss.

 

I look at Elijah and give him a smile. “So... I have a question for you.” He looks at me in confusion and then nods his head to tell me to ask away. “How come when you were telling me about your family you said you were an only child and now I’m your emergency contact with no family listed when Sandra is your sister?”

 

He gets a look of recognition on his face and nods in understanding. “Oh yeah... I did introduce her as my sister didn’t I?”

 

“Uh... yeah.” I say. “So now I’m really confused, could you explain it to me?”

 

“Yeah...” He looks down at the bed, eyeing his sheet covered legs. “You see, she’s technically not my sister.”

 

“What?” Now I’m really confused.

 

“She’s was an orphan and my family fostered her.” He explains. “My mom started it so I’ve known her since she and I were in diapers. I got so used to her being around that I just started calling her my sister and introducing her as my sister. When I introduced her to you I didn’t think about explain things, didn’t even cross my mind.”

 

“So she’s not a biological sister and your family never adopted her so she never really was you legal sister?” I clarify.

 

“Right.” He says and continues. “My dad thought of her as his little princess, she could do no wrong.”

 

I look at him with sympathy. “He never beat her or anything, did he?”

 

Elijah shakes his head. “Not once, he wouldn’t lay a hand on her. My dad loved her with all his heart; took care of her, brought her places, bought her presents on her birthday and Christmas... total opposite of me. All I was to the bastard was boy toy that no one would listen to if I started talking.”

 

“I’m sorry Elijah.” I say and he scrunches up his face.

 

“Eh, it was a long time ago.” He says.

 

“I have another question though.” I announce and he looks at me. “How come she’s not your emergency contact then?”

 

Elijah chuckles dryly. “Yeah, when Dean broke up with her apparently he told her why and because I was dating you at the time and Dean broke up with her to get back with you, she stopped talking to me.”

 

“Well isn’t she a bitch?” I shake my head in disappointment.

 

“She’s always been a little self centered but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that my dad spoiled her.” Elijah concludes. “So, I took her off the emergency contact information and put you on. I hope you don’t mind.”

 

I shake my head no. “No, no, of course not. In fact I’m honored, thanks.”

 

He smiles at me. “You were the next logical person and besides, you’re basically the only person I can really count on.”

 

I smile back and that’s when Dean comes back. “Oh Dean, just in time. Apparently, Sandra is a foster of the Dongoski’s not an actual sibling.”

 

“Oh really?” Dean says, surprise evident on his face.

 

Elijah smiles at Dean. “So you were wondering too?”

 

“He’s the one that brought it up.” I admit.

 

“I just got confused that’s all.” He says with a smile. “So, why’d you say she is your sister then?”

 

“Well,” Elijah begins. “I grew up with her for as long as I can remember, I just started calling her my sister and I never think about clarifying things when I introduce her to anyone.”

 

“She didn’t even tell me.” Dean pouts and we all chuckle.”Well, at least you seem fine, bit tired maybe.”

 

“Yeah, I am feeling a little groggy.” Elijah reluctantly says.

 

I stand and squeeze his shoulder with a smile. “We should probably let you sleep then.”

 

“Hey Castiel,” I look at him as Dean makes his way to the door. “thanks.”

 

I smile again and walk to the door only to stop short and turn around. “You can call me Cas if you want, you know?”

 

Elijah smiles. “Okay… Cas.”

 

I smile one last time and walk out, feeling rejuvenated now that I know, finally, Elijah will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I hope the thing with Sandra is okay. I messed up on saying Elijah was an only child and I had to fix it somehow. Thanks for reading. :)


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36:**

 

I sleep on the couch at Elijah’s apartment even though I know he’s not in his bed. I can’t go and sleep in his bed without his permission, it just doesn’t seem right to me. So instead I go to the linen closet and grab a blanket and a spare pillow to use on the couch.

 

I don’t fall asleep until a hour later from the time I went to go to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes there was John’s face and it would startle me awake so much that I would lie there on alert for five minutes before I would calm. Then my eyes would droop and the pattern just continued until finally my body gave in to the tiredness.

 

I wake to a knock at the door and I’m frightened. I don’t like being here alone and I feel vulnerable. It’s weird to me. Back at the psychiatric hospital I was fine but I also had people around me twenty-four seven. Now, in this brightly lit apartment, I’m completely alone.

 

I get up quickly. _Did I lock the door?_ I look at it from a distance and see that yes, I did lock it. I sigh a breath of relief and try to calm my racing heart. I wait ten minutes before I approach the door and open it slowly. No one is there. _Of course, no one is there. Who would wait ten minutes for you to open the door?_

 

There’s a package set by the foot of the door and I almost don’t see it. I pick it up and look at it, reading to see who it’s from. The label says it was forwarded from the psychiatric hospital. Curious, I step back inside, making sure to bolt lock the door. I walk slowly to the couch as I read the original place it came from and as soon as I sit down I find it. It’s from my mother.

 

I sit there for what seems like an hour when really it’s five minutes just staring at the box, not knowing what to do. I can’t imagine what it is and I’m not sure I want to know.

 

Something clanks in the kitchen and I jump. I look and notice there’s dishes there still and I figure that they were just shifting and settling. I look back to the package and begin to meticulously peel away the tape that is holding the box closed.

 

When I finally get all the tape off I open the box and dip my hand into the Styrofoam peanut packaging. My hand reaches something cold and smooth and now my curiosity is at its peak, but I’m still cautious. I pull the object out slowly and when it reaches the surface I’m shocked.

 

It’s the glass angel that Gabriel gave me on my birthday. I would have thought mom threw the thing away by now but instead she kept it all these years. Looking at it now, two emotions flutter to the surface. The first one is joy at having it back; the next is anger at my mother for keeping it so long. Why couldn’t she have given it to me sooner? The apartment is dead silent and I’m hyperaware of it. Goose bumps start to form on my skin.

 

There’s another knock on the door and I jump half a foot, standing on my feet and staring at the door while clutching the glass angel for dear life. The knock sounds again I force myself to relax, shaking my head and thinking how stupid I am for getting so scared. I place the angel down and go to the door with as much confidence as an animal has when it’s drowning. I’m shaking minutely when I open the door.

 

Dean is there, red roses in hand and a smile on his face. “Hey Cas.” He leans in and kisses my cheek and I relax greatly.

 

“Hey Dean.” I step aside to allow him in. “Are those for me or Elijah?”

 

Dean chuckles and turns around to face me as I shut the door and _not_ locking it. “You silly.”

 

I take them and smell them. “Thank you Dean.” I kiss him on the lips. “You know, I just barely woke up so I haven’t had any time to get ready.” I set the roses down on the counter to put them in water later.

 

“It’s fine, I’ll wait.” Dean says as he goes to the couch. I panic as he sees the box. “Who’s this from?” He reads it before I can answer and I take refuge in the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I turn the water on so Dean won’t yell through the door.

 

When the temperature seems to be right I strip and get in, pretending that I’m washing away my fears and worries. I stay in there for a long time but I know I can’t stay in forever. I get out and pull a towel around my waist and then tiptoe to Elijah’s bedroom and shutting the door behind me. I quickly get dress and take a deep breath before going back to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

 

Dean is sitting on the couch looking at the glass angel when I return to the living room. “I didn’t know she was going to send me that.” Dean stays quiet and the silence makes my skin crawl. “Dean.”

 

“I wish she would leave you alone.” He says with a low voice and I go and sit next to him to hear him better.

 

“It’s sweet of her to send that to me though, isn’t it?” I ask and Dean looks at me.

 

He studies my face. “Yeah it is but why the hell did she keep it so long?” He accuses. “She knew how much this meant to you and she kept it away from you for four damn years.”

 

“Better late than never.” Dean shakes his head.

 

“I can’t believe you.” He stands, still holding the angel and for a second I think he’s going to break it. But he’s holding it with a gentle touch and carefully sets it down on the coffee table where it won’t fall off. “Do you really want her back in your life?”

 

I stand, not being able to sit any longer. My skin is still crawling with unease. I look around the kitchen and notice Dean put the roses in some water. It must have taken him awhile to find the vase. “I don’t know Dean.”

 

I walk to the flowers and I can feel Dean’s gaze on me. “Aren’t you angry she kept it so long? Don’t you want to know _why_ she decides now to send it to you?”

 

I walk to the flowers and begin to pick at them. “Yeah but…”

 

“But?” Dean is looking at my hand that is playing with the flowers.

 

I pluck a petal off. “I guess we can go talk to her.”

 

“Why can’t you call her?” Another petal falls to the floor when I pull it off the stem.

 

“I don’t remember the number and she always has her number unlisted.” I explain and Dean walks up to me.

 

He grabs my hand just as I peel off the last petal on one flower. “Would you stop that?” I don’t know if he means taking the petals off the flower or being willing to forgive people so easily. I think it’s both. “Come on, I’ll drive.” I follow him out and get into the passenger side of the Impala. He starts her up and begins to drive. “I hope she lives in the same house.”

 

I look out the passenger side window and watch all the trees fly by. “I’m sure she is, the place has sentimental value to her.”

 

Dean snorts and I know he’s thinking about the beatings. “Yeah and she’s a psycho bitch.” I roll my eyes but don’t say anything. The rest of the ride is spent in silence except for the music Dean has playing. Soon, we are pulling to the house. Dean parks on the side of the road and the house is on the left. I’ll have to cross the road to get to the house. “Well, here we are. Want me to come with you?”

 

I shake my head. “No, I better do this myself.”

 

“Hey,” Dean calls me back and I lean down to look through the open door. “Make this quick, I need to pick up Sammy from a friend’s house and don’t forget to tell her to stop contacting you.”

 

“Okay Dean.” I shut the door and round the car, looking both ways down the street before crossing. I swallow down the nerves before I knock on the door and wait for my mother to answer. It doesn’t take her long. “Hey mom.”

 

“Castiel.” She looks at me in disbelief. She goes in to give me a hug but I pull back and she stops short. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I just came by to ask you something… and tell you something.” I tell her and she looks behind me.

 

“Is that Dean Winchester?” She asks as she looks back at me.

 

“Yes.” I answer.

 

“Well, why isn’t he over here?” She goes to wave at him but I stop her.

 

“He doesn’t want to intrude.” I explain. “Since this is really between you and me.”

 

“Oh… well then you better come in.” She looks old as she turns around and leads the way to the living room. Nothing in the house has changed except the smell of alcohol is gone and is replaced with a smell of orange wood polisher. “So, what’s this about?”

 

She takes her normal spot in the red, worn out chair and I sit on the couch. “Why’d you decide now to send the glass angel to me?”

 

She looks at me as if she wasn’t expecting such a question, though I can’t blame her. “It’s yours; your brother gave it to you. Don’t you remember?”

 

“Of course I do, but why did you keep it to yourself so long instead of giving it to me four years ago?” I ask.

 

“Because back then I was messed up.” She begins. “I was drinking, miserable, wasting my life away. I pushed you away; I pushed all my friends away. I’m sobering up as I told you and sending that to you seemed like the right thing to do.” She waits for me to say something but I don’t. She then gets up and comes and sits next to me on the couch, still facing me. “I think I kept it because that way I still had a part of you.” She smiles slightly but it quickly disappears. “Listen Castiel, sending the angel to you is not me trying to buy my forgiveness or your love, that’s the last thing I’m trying to do. I just wanted you to have it.”

 

“Well then.” I stand. “Thank you for returning it to me.” She stands then too. “But… I want you stay out of my life now.”

 

My heart aches. “What? Why?”

 

“Why?” I ask, trying to conjure Dean into my personality. “Because you beat the crap out of me and then you give me up.”

 

I start to walk away but before I can go she calls me back. “Wait, can I show you something before you go?” I turn to her and look her up and down. I nod and follow her up to stairs, memories of all the times I cut myself playing in my head. I notice the bathroom door is shut. “I haven’t been in that bathroom since you tried to…” She doesn’t finish and I don’t think she ever will. We make our way to my old bedroom and I’m confused. Surely she has remodeled it by now. She opens the door. “Go ahead in.”

 

I step in and am immediately shocked to the core. Nothing has changed. Everything is still the same from the day I left, nothing out of place except I know my glass angel isn’t under my bed anymore. “Mom…” There’s still the books I left on my desk that I meant to organize, the clothes still neatly stacked on my bed that I was going to put away that day, hell, there’s still a damn CD in the player. “Why didn’t you…”

 

I feel my mom walk beside me, her presence close. “I couldn’t bring myself to come in here until recently. That’s how I found the angel and I remember Gabriel giving it to you.” I haven’t heard her say that name in a _long_ time. “When I found the angel I kept it for about two weeks before I finally sent it to you.” I walk to the bed and pick up the clothes, moving to my dresser and carefully putting them away beside the rest in the drawers. “I came in here and I started bawling. Just sat on your bed and cried.” I go to the books and place them on the bookshelf in their appropriate section according to alphabetical order. “I can’t change this room unless I died or I move.” I take the CD out of the player. “That’s why I came in here in the first place Castiel,” I put the CD in the case and scan the other CD’s to put this, too, in alphabetical order. “I’m moving out of Kansas.” I drop the case.

 

I turn to her. “What?”

 

She sits on my bed but I stay stock still. “I can’t live here anymore Castiel. There are too many painful memories. You understand that, don’t you?” I only nod slightly. “I need a fresh start, somewhere new. Where people don’t know me as the drunken psycho bitch.” I think back to what Dean said. “Your stuff are the last things I need to go through.” She looks around the room mournfully. “I was eventually going to tell you so don’t start thinking I was going to leave without saying goodbye.”

 

“But this place has sentimental value.” I defend.

 

She snorts like Dean did. “Like what, me beating you?”

 

“No before that.” I say, going over to her, making sure to step over the CD case I dropped. I sit beside her.

 

“This house is too big for one person Castiel.” She says. “I just can’t do it anymore.” She stands and walks over to the CD, picking it up and placing it in the correct spot on the shelf. “I need to go somewhere where I can stop looking in the mirror and absolutely hate what I see.” She turns to me. “I’m packing all this up,” She gestures around us. “soon, so if you want to keep anything you can come and get it. I’m assuming you’ll want your books and CD’s.” I nod. “Okay, just… stop by whenever to pick them up. I won’t be going anywhere.”

 

“When are you leaving?” I ask.

 

“In a month.” She answers. We sit and stand there in silence for a little while, everything sinking in and making me numb. “You better go; Dean is outside waiting for you.” I nod and stand and we both make our way to the front door. She opens it for me and I step out but before I go she calls me back again. “Castiel, I would really love to give our relationship another go. I meant it when I said I was sorry.”

 

I look back behind my shoulder to see Dean starring. “I don’t know mom.”

 

“Can you at least sleep on it, please?” She asks and I can hear the desperation in her voice.

 

She’s scared. “Yeah, okay mom, I’ll sleep on it.” I then walk away and I hear the click of the door.

 

I quickly make my way back to Dean and when I get in and he starts driving away, he speaks. “So, what did she have to say?” I explain to him about what she said. “And how’d she take you not wanting her in your life?”

 

“I told her I’d sleep on it.” I say, looking out the window.

 

We pull up to Sam’s friend’s house. “Sleep on what?”

 

“My decision to cut her out of my life.” I confess.

 

“You what?” The back door opens and Sam gets in behind me. “What do you mean you’ll sleep on it?”

 

“Sleep on what?” Sam asks and Dean shushes him.

 

“Dean,” I start. “She’s moving out of Kansas, this could be my last chance to try to fix things between each other.”

 

“No.” He says, putting his _Baby_ in drive and peeling off. “Do you not remember what she did to you?” I roll my eyes. “You didn’t see me giving my father a second chance.”

 

“She didn’t try to kill me.” I snap back, looking at the side of his face as he watches the road.

 

“Guys… who are we talking about?” Sam asks.

 

“My mother.” I say.

 

“You’re mom? You haven’t seen her in ages.” Sam sounds confused.

 

“No, our little angel here saw her today because she had the nerve to send him something.” Dean is angry but he’s trying to stay in control.

 

I too, am getting angry. “It was the glass angel Gabriel gave me. I’m glad she sent it to me.”

 

Dean groans in annoyance. “I never said it was a bad thing to give it to you. I meant that she needs to stay out of our lives.”

 

“Well it didn’t sound like that.” I complain. “For crying out loud Dean, you sound like you’re jealous because I may have a shot with my mother when you didn’t with your father.”

 

Dean’s jaw tenses. “Okay guys, that’s enough.” Sam warns. “Why is it that you two always seem to argue? That’s what broke you two up in the first place.”

 

I huff. “No, what broke us up in the first place was _Dean_ not being able to keep it in his pants.”

 

“Oh like you’re some saint.” Dean retorts back.

 

“I’m not saying that I am, trust me I know I’m not, but that’s not what made my trust for you go out the window.” I argue. “Hell, you still have _Sandra’s_ number.” It’s silent after that, Dean not coming up with a comeback and me not having the energy to argue anymore. I can tell Sam is uncomfortable and after about ten minutes of silence, I quietly say, “I’m sorry about John, Sam.”

 

I hear shuffling as if someone just sat back in their seat. He must have been leaning forward. “It’s okay Cas, thanks.” I’m not sure if Dean told Sam that I killed him but I don’t bring it up.

 

“Are we going to see Elijah?” I ask.

 

“If you want.” Dean says simply and I look out the window again.

 

“Maybe later, I’m tired.” I claim and Dean drives me back to Elijah’s apartment. “Bye Sam, bye Dean.”

 

“Bye Cas.” Sam says back but Dean doesn’t say anything. He just looks out the windshield. I internally sigh and kiss his cheek then I get out and make my way inside the apartment.

 

When I get in it smells like roses. I first put the glass angel on a shelf where it’ll be safe. I then pick up the box and the Styrofoam peanut packaging, placing them by the door for taking care of later. I walk to the flowers and take the stem that I peeled all the petals off of and throw it in the trash. The rest of the flowers look like they are starting to wilt so I fish around and finally find some fertilizer to add to the water. I add it and sit there the rest of the day, willing the flowers to straighten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. :)


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37:**

 

The flowers are wilting, even with the fertilizer in the water. I frown at them, wondering what I can do to make them straighten. Maybe I did something wrong. I sigh as a walk away from them.

 

I didn’t go see Elijah yesterday so I decide to walk to the hospital. It’s a good hour and a half walk from his apartment but I don’t mind. It’s better than calling Dean or Lucifer to come and get me only to get an ear full of why I shouldn’t give my sinful mother another chance.

 

When I enter the room, Elijah smiles at me with that warm welcoming grin. “Hey.”

 

“Hey.” I sit on the edge of the bed. “Sorry I didn’t come see you yesterday, my mother sent me that glass angel I told you about and I had to go see her.”

 

“Okay, that’s fine. I never expected you to come and see me everyday anyways.” He admits.

 

I then explain to him what Dean said about having her in my life and that she is moving for a fresh start on life. “I just don’t know what to do. I know Lucifer will agree with Dean but I was wondering about _your_ opinion.”

 

“Well...” He begins. “It depends on how you feel. I know I’ll _never_ give my father another chance but... your mother never went as far as my father did. Do what feels right to you.”

 

“You should have seen it Elijah, her house didn’t even smell like alcohol like I’m used to, it smelt like wood polisher.” I add. “It was... amazing.”

 

He smiles. “If you think she really has changed and you feel in your heart that forgiving her a little and letting her in your life is right, then do it. Don’t pay attention to other’s opinions, they shouldn’t matter, they _don’t_ matter.”

 

“I just don’t want to ruin my relationship with Dean because he’s so against it.” I confess.

 

“Forget Dean for a minute, Cas.” Elijah says seriously. “This is _your_ decision, not his. You decide and if Dean can’t handle your decision then screw him, he doesn’t deserve you.”

 

I huff a laugh and grin at him. “Why do you always seem to give such good advice?”

 

He looks down shyly. “It’s not always good.”

 

“Most of the time.” I say and he blushes.

 

“Thanks.” Elijah mumbles.

 

“I think I’ll give her another chance. It feels right and I may never get another chance to give her one.” Elijah nods. “And what I think I’ll do is take baby steps. Start out with just sending letters back and forth, and then phone calls, and finally, depending on where she moves to, I’ll visit her.” I explain.

 

“Sounds like a plan.” Elijah agrees. “When you going to go see her to tell her the good news?”

 

“No idea. Depends on whether I want to sit in the car with a bitching Dean or a bitching Lucifer.” I half joke.

 

“Walking an option?” Elijah asks.

 

“Yeah but I have to tell them eventually.” I sigh in disgrace just as my phone rings. I answer it. “Hello?”

 

“Hey Angel.” Lucifer’s voice sounds from the other end.

 

“Hello, Lucifer.” I greet.

 

“Where are you?” He asks, urgency in his voice.

 

I answer with hesitation. “At the hospital visiting Elijah.”

 

“Good, I’ll call Dean and meet there. I need to show you something.” He sounds weird, like he’s not sure whether to be happy or sad. Next thing I hear is the dial tone.

 

I look at Elijah. “I guess Dean and Lucifer are coming for a visit.” Elijah just nods.

 

Dean arrives first and I fidget with unease, not wanting to break my decision just yet. I can feel both Elijah’s and Dean’s eyes boring into the back of my head as I watch the door for Lucifer. He finally arrives ten minutes after Dean. “Hey guys.” We all mumble a hello back and I notice Lucifer is holding a newspaper. He holds the paper up. “Look at this page.” We all huddle around and scan the page. One name catches my eye. _Chuck Shurley_.

 

Lucifer...” I begin. “Why is Chuck in the newspaper?” I quickly scrutinize the page to make sure it isn’t the obituaries.

 

“Because,” Lucifer starts as he points at a section of the article. “Our stuttering friend is marrying a famous scientist.”

 

“A male one right?” I hear Dean ask as I look on.

 

Lucifer nods. “Yep, as male as they can get.”

 

I hear Elijah clear his throat. “Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in awhile.

 

I turn to him. “Tell me about it.”

 

“Well,” Lucifer shrugs. “After we fucked his life up, it’s nice to know that he’s happy.”

 

“That seems to be my specialty.” I add with disgust. “Fucking up people’s lives.”

 

“It’s a rare skill Cas.” Dean jokes.

 

“Hey now,” Elijah buts in. “I’m pretty sure all of us had a part to play in effing up our lives.”

 

I look to Elijah and smile. “Not you, you’ve done nothing wrong. Me on the other hand; first I push Dean on the marriage, then I cheat on you, Elijah, and I hurt Lucifer and Dean, then I get into drugs and I steal a thousand dollars from you, fantastic John Winchester comes along and knocks you over the head, almost killing you, and then you have a brain abscess to deal with. Yeah, I’m a great person to know in life.”

 

Dean gives a dry chuckle. “None of that would have happened if I didn’t cheat on you in the first place.”

 

“Ah,” Elijah pipes up. “But then I would have never met you, Cas.”

 

“Maybe that would have been a good thing.” I say.

 

“Castiel,” Elijah scolds. “Don’t say that. After everything, I’m glad that I met you.” I smile at him. “Anything can come along and no matter what it is, no matter how bad it is, I will never regret meeting you, and going out with you for the little bit of time that we did, and then becoming your friend. If I had to go back in time, I would do all over again.”

 

I pull him close and hug him, my arms wrapped around him in a loving embrace. “You are way too good to me, Elijah.” I feel Elijah smile against my chest. I pull away and look at him. “By the way, did the doctor come in or anything and talk to you?”

 

“Yeah a little. They want me to stay overnight for a couple more nights because of the severity of the whole thing.” He answers.

 

“Did she say anything about brain damage?” I ask next.

 

“Well,” Elijah begins. “She mentioned it and they want to give me some tests tomorrow morning.”

 

Lucifer comes over and smiles at our bedridden friend. “We wish you luck.”

 

“Yeah.” I lean down and kiss his temple.

 

“You’re strong, you’ll be fine.” Dean says and smiles.

 

“Thanks guys.” Elijah then looks at me. “To change the subject a little; Cas, you have something to tell Dean and Lucifer don’t you?”

 

I look from him to Dean and Lucifer. “Right.” I slouch slightly, not really wanting to bring this up right now but knowing that I should since Elijah is here for support. “I’ve... decided that with my mother moving-”

 

“When did you find that out?” Lucifer perks up.

 

Dean immediately gets serious and you can see the anger rising in him. “He went to see her.”

 

Now it’s Lucifer’s turn to get extremely serious. “Let me continue before you start getting all mad at me.” I plead.

 

“Why do we even need to talk about this?” Dean asks.

 

“Because it’s his mother, his flesh and blood.” Elijah says and everyone shuts up.

 

“She’s moving and I feel like I should give her another chance. I’m not saying that I’m going to forgive her but I need to see if I can make this right before I don’t have another chance to.” I can see the anger rising in both the guys. “I was thinking of starting off with just sending letters back and forth, then phone calls, and eventually we can visit one another depending on where she moves to. Please understand.”

 

Elijah speaks up. “I think one of us at least deserves to be in contact with at least one of their family members.”

 

I watch Dean looking at the floor. “I need you two to understand, I need _you_ , Dean, to understand.”

 

He looks up then and I can see the love in his eyes. “Okay Cas, I believe in you.”

 

I then hear Lucifer sigh before I can say anything. “Yeah, Angel. Elijah is right anyways.”

 

I smile, looking at the floor. “Thank you.” I mumble. They decided to then tackle me into Elijah’s bed, all three of them tickling me and I’m yelling at them breathlessly to stop.

 

“We all love you Angel.” Lucifer announces as soon as they stop.

 

I smile again and look at all three them individually. “I love you all too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. :)


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38:**

 

I grab the bills out of the mailbox and look at them on the couch. All of them are for Elijah so I don’t open any of them. Instead I tuck them into my pocket and begin the trek to the hospital to go see Elijah himself. When I get there he’s looking out the window from his bed and not facing the door. To me, he kind of looks sad. I knock on the door and when he turns his head to look at me I ask, “You okay?”

 

He nods and gives me a small smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

 

I sit on the edge of his bed and scrutinize him. “You look sad.”

 

He huffs and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I just want to get out of here already. Being in here this long… doesn’t bring good memories.”

 

I shift uncomfortably. “I’m sure you’ll get out soon.” I give him a reassuring smile. “Did they test you to see if you have any brain damage?”

 

Elijah’s face lightens slightly. “Yeah, this really hot nurse came to bring me to the room where they conducted the tests, unfortunately he’s married.”

 

That makes me chuckle and Elijah joins in. Hearing him laugh brightens my day. “Maybe there’s another hot nurse out there.”

 

One eyebrow rises on Elijah’s face as I say that. “Yeah maybe.” He says with a smile.

 

“Well, I hate to ruin your mood but I brought the mail.” I pull out all the envelopes out of my pocket. “Mostly bills but there’s something else in this pile as well.”

 

“You brought me bills?” Elijah asks in an amused tone.

 

I shrug. “Gives you something to read. Besides…” I explain. “I know some of them are due soon and I don’t know how you want me to take care of them so I thought you could tell me. I don’t want you to worry about them but…” I trail off, everything I’m saying sounding completely pathetic.

 

“Yeah I understand.” Elijah says as he shuffles through all the envelopes. He’s looking at them neutrally until he gets to the one that isn’t bill related. Something comes over him and he stares at the thing for quite a few seconds, looking sad.

 

“Elijah?” I say, trying to snap him out of his daze.

 

It seems to work because he looks to me and places all the envelopes on the hospital table. “Don’t worry about these Cas. I’ll take care of them.”

 

I want to ask him what that stare was all about but I don’t, figuring it’s none of my business and that Elijah will tell me if he wants me to know about it. He looks sad again and I’m beginning to worry. “Are you sure you’re okay, Elijah?”

 

It takes him a while before he answers but eventually he does, looking me in the eyes. “You remember when you asked me why I have given you so many chances?”

 

I nod. “Yes, you told me it’s because you love me and that you understand.”

 

Elijah looks back to the window. “Yeah, I understand a lot.” He pauses and I think he’s going to leave it at that but then he continues. “I’ve been there, where you’ve been. I’ve been depressed, suicidal and I know how much you need someone in your life that who will always be there, who you can always count on. That’s why I never let anything that you did… bother me or get to me and why I always stuck by you… because I’ve done the same exact thing… and I certainly know what it’s like to relapse.”

 

“You’re kind of scaring me.” I tell him. “What are you getting at?”

 

“That’s why we clicked.” I look at him in confusion. “I knew I couldn’t leave you high and dry because all I could think was how I felt, how low I got, how much I needed someone to be there to help me.” I still look at him in confusion and I know he can see it when he looks at me. “I don’t know what I’m getting at Cas, it’s just… I guess what I’m trying to say is that we have a lot in common and that’s why we make such good friends. We understand each other, so we’ll always be there for each other… right?”

 

“Yeah, of course Elijah, I’ll always be here for you.” I say.

 

He looks at the window. “So let’s promise each other, neither you nor I will ever commit suicide.”

 

“I don’t-” He cuts me off.

 

“I never want to relapse Cas, it’s my greatest fear.” He looks at me. “I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life where I’m good, where I’m finally letting go of the past and moving on.” He says. “Did you know, when you met me in that bar that night, remember I told you I lost my job?” I nod to answer him. “I was going back, I really was I could feel it. I’ve relapsed back into depression so many times that I now know the warning signs and that night they were playing out full speed. But then I met you and… everything seemed to become suddenly better. You saved me that night.”

 

“How? By making your night look better?” I ask. “I wasn’t exactly having a great night and I certainly wasn’t sober so I find it hard to believe that I saved you.”

 

“No,” He shakes his head. “You don’t understand. I was having suicidal thoughts that night and I thought ‘that’s it, no more, I’m not going to keep doing this back and forth thing with my mind and I’ll finally end it’. _You_ , Cas, stopped me from killing myself that night.”

 

That statement takes me off guard and I feel uncomfortable. “I don’t get, how?”

 

“I saw what I looked like, I saw I wasn’t alone.” He says simply.

 

“Why are you telling me this?” I ask.

 

“I want you to promise me something.” I prompt him to continue with a quick nod. “Don’t dwell on the past, let’s both just move on. Promise me, if we don’t, all it’ll do is bring more pain.”

 

“Okay.” I say. “I promise.”

 

He nods as I say that and suddenly he looks tired. He reaches over to the stack of envelopes and picks up the one that isn’t part of the bills. “Can you do me favor?” He hands me the envelope. “Shred this when you get back to the apartment.”

 

I look down at it. “What is it?”

 

I look at him. “The past.” He doesn’t meet my eyes.

 

I get up then, the earlier conversation making it awkward. “I was going to go see my mom today so I should probably get going.” He still doesn’t look at me. “I’ll see you later.”

 

He finally looks up. “Don’t forget to shred that.” I nod and lean down to plant a quick kiss on his temple.

 

“I’ll be back later.” I walk to the door but then turn around. “Elijah, thanks for telling me something so personal like that. It’s good to know you have that much trust in me.”

 

He smiles slightly. “I trust you with my life.”

 

I smile back and then walk out of the room. I remind myself to check up on him later today. He’s worrying me with his mood and all this depression talk. I walk to my mother’s house, listening to the cars speeding by and that strange envelope in my jacket pocket. When I get to my mother’s house, I knock on the door.

 

She opens it with a big smile. “Castiel, it’s so good to see you, come in.”

 

I walk in and she leads me to the living room. I sit on the couch and of course she sits on that ragged, old, red chair. I then explain to her what my plan is. “What do you think?”

 

“I would love that.” She says and I can tell how genuine and happy she is. “Sending letters back and forth sounds amazing.”

 

“Then I’ll give you my current address.” She hands me a pad of paper and a pen. I write down Elijah’s address. “I’m living with a friend at the moment but if things work out with Dean then I may move in with him. That probably won’t happen for quite a while though.”

 

“Why aren’t you living with him now?” She asks.

 

I take a deep breath. “It’s a long story.”

 

“You have time?” She begs me with her eyes.

 

I smile forcefully. “Sure.” I explain to her what happened over tea and by the time I’m done, it’s late into the afternoon. “I better go mom, I’ll come back sometime to help you pack.”

 

“Okay.” She hugs me at the door but not without hesitating first. “I love you sweetheart.”

 

I smile and nod. “Bye mom.”

 

“Bye.” She waves me goodbye as I walk down the street and out of sight. I’m not even halfway back to Elijah’s apartment when the doctor calls me and tells me he is ready to be picked up. I ask about his results with the tests to look for brain damage and she says that he has zero brain damage.

 

I call Dean and ask him to pick me up at the apartment. As I’m waiting, I feel the envelope burning a hole into my pocket. I pull it out and look at it. I know I shouldn’t but I open it anyway, curiosity getting the better of me. It’s a letter and I read.

_Dear Elijah,_

_I have no clue whether or not you are getting my letters every year or not but here I am, still trying to reach you. I wish you would respond if you are getting these but hell, maybe you aren’t. Anyways, once again I’m just wondering how you are doing, wondering if you’re even still alive. You should come and visit me sometime, you know jail is lonely. Well, I guess that’s it. Happy birthday son, I love you._

_Love,_

_Your father_

 

I stare at it and I’m in complete shock. I hear a car honk and I’m startled out of my reverie. I look up to see Dean waiting for me. Folding the paper back up, I quickly get into the Impala.

 

“Hey.” Dean greets.

 

“Hey.” I greet back.

 

“How are you?” He asks.

 

“This day has been really weird.” I answer, still in a slight daze.

 

“Well can I make it weirder?” I look at him from my spot in the passenger seat. “I know you’ll want to help Elijah settle in and everything but I was wondering if tomorrow you’ll want to go on date with me?”

 

I think about it. “Sure.”

 

“Yeah you totally sound enthusiastic about it.” Dean points out.

 

“I’m sorry Dean.” I apologize. “I’m just really distracted. Elijah is acting weird today.”

 

“Okay we don’t have to go on the date then.” He offers.

 

“No, that’s not what I meant, I want to.” I confirm and Dean glances at me with a smile.

 

A nurse is waiting with Elijah at the exit, Elijah in the wheelchair. I wonder if it’s the ‘hot’ nurse Elijah was talking about. I get out and allow Elijah to sit in the passenger seat. The drive to his apartment is spent in silence.

 

When we get to the apartment Elijah gets out himself and I follow, Dean turning off the car. “Hey.” He calls me back. “Want me to stay for a little while, help you out.”

 

I shake my head no. “No it’s okay Dean, I’m fine thanks.”

 

“Okay.” Dean salutes me and then drives away, the last thing him saying is, “See you tomorrow.”

 

I walk into the house to see Elijah in the kitchen, already making supper. “Why don’t you let me do that?” I offer.

 

“No, I need something to do.” He says as he chops.

 

Him with the knife is making me nervous. “Elijah can you come here for a minute?”

 

I pull the letter out as he comes over and sits on the couch. Luckily he left the knife on the counter. “What’s this about?” I show him the letter and I watch as he swallows hard.

 

“You read it.” It’s a statement not a question.

 

“Sorry but you were acting strange since you got this and I was curious.” I explain.

 

“I already told you what it is, the past.” He gets up and walks back to the kitchen to resume his chopping.

 

“This is from your father. I thought you said you didn’t even know if he was alive or not.” I accuse.

 

He turns to me, looking angry and tired. “And?”

 

“And you lied to me.” I say. “And how come you never told me it’s your birthday?”

 

“Because the sick bastard doesn’t know when my real birthday is.” Elijah says in a defensive tone.

 

“Okay then what about lying to me?” I ask.

 

Elijah slams the knife down and I flinch. “What do you want?”

 

“How about the truth or,” I begin. “at least not a complete lie.”

 

“I wasn’t about to tell you about him sending me letters on a date he _thinks_ is my birthday. It’s irrelevant.” He says.

 

I’m getting angry now but I’m more confused than anything. “That’s not the point. The point is that you told me one thing when it’s the total opposite.”

 

Elijah looks absolutely pissed. “When it comes to my father… you don’t need to know the truth. So stay the hell out of my business.” He walks past me then and into his room, slamming the door behind him.

 

I sigh and look at the unfinished food. I begin to work on the meal and finish for Elijah. I put it on a tray along with some milk. I knock on his door but there’s no answer so I go ahead in. When I enter Elijah is in his bed, curled up and asleep. He looks peaceful so I set the tray on the nightstand instead of waking him. I push a few strands of hair out of his face and smile sadly down at him. Soon the smile disappears.

 

“What’s wrong Elijah? Please just talk to me. You were there for me, let me be here for you.” I kiss his temple and walk out of the room. I make my way to the shredder and shred the letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. :)


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no clue how insurance works yet because my mom handles all that stuff and I’ve yet to have it explained to me, so things that aren’t correct involving insurance should be expected.

**Chapter 39:**

 

I wake up in the early morning, stretching as I get up from the couch. Yawning I make my way to the bathroom. As I shut the door I trip over clothes crumpled in the middle of the floor. I bend down and pick them up. They’re soaked and I look at them in confusion.

 

My heart begins to beat rapidly and I rush out of the bathroom, almost slipping on the tiled floor. I knock on Elijah’s bedroom door until it opens.

 

Elijah’s hair is wet. “Why are your clothes wet?”

 

He looks down at the clump that I am still holding, the garments dripping onto the hardwood flooring. “I was going to take a shower and I tripped into the tub when I tried to take my pants off.”

 

“And you just let the water soak you through?” I ask, not believing him. I have this sinking feeling about this whole thing.

 

“Well,” He begins, sounding kind of sarcastic. “I was in a lot of pain considering I fell on a linoleum bathtub.”

 

I roll my eyes, still not believing him. “Okay, just be careful next time.”

 

“Deal.” He says then shuts his bedroom door. I go and take my shower.

 

After my shower I quickly get dressed in the living room, watching as Elijah makes breakfast for the two of us. I eye him carefully, wondering if he’s still mad at me and trying to figure out what is going on with him.

 

I walk up behind him. “Hey, you still mad at me?”

 

I take my plate of waffles as he looks at me in an annoyed way. He then narrows his eyes. “Are you going to give me something to be angry about?”

 

It’s not like him to act like this. “Nope, you don’t want to talk about something then I’ll leave it alone.”

 

“Good.” We both sit at the table, across from one another. “Then I’m not mad.”

 

We eat in silence for a little while until I decide I have enough of the quiet. “I’m going on a date with Dean later today.”

 

He looks up as he brings a piece of his waffle to his mouth. “That’s good, I’m happy to see that you are getting better with him.”

 

There’s the old Elijah back. “Yeah me too. I’m glad that we’re trying to work it out.” I take another bite. “I’m looking forward to this date.”

 

He smiles and it’s genuine. “Yeah.”

 

We finish eating and I help clean the table. We then go and sit on the couch to watch some TV. It feels good and like everything is back to normal until there is a knock at the door. I get it but no one is there. Then, all of a sudden, Flowers come out from the side of the hallway. I take them and stick my head out to see Dean, grinning widely.

 

“Hello Dean.” I greet.

 

Dean kisses me on the mouth. “Hey.” He steps in and sees Elijah on the couch. “Hey Elijah.” Elijah waves to Dean without looking at each of us. “How you feeling?”

 

He finally turns around. “Pretty good actually. There’s really not that much pain.”

 

Dean nods his approval. “That’s good.” Turning to me he asks, “You ready?” I nod and as we exit Dean calls over his shoulder, “See ya Elijah.”

 

I have a bad feeling about leaving Elijah all alone while I’m out with Dean but I keep my concerns to myself, wanting this afternoon to be wonderful without any complications and drama. “So where are we going for lunch?”

 

Dean smiles. “I was thinking _Alinea_.”

 

I look to him wide eyed. “Seriously?” Dean’s smile grows. “Dean, that’s way too expensive.”

 

“Don’t worry about it Cas, I want to bring you there.” He says.

 

I shake my head. “Then at least let me pay you for my meal.”

 

Dean eyes me. “No offense Cas, but with what? You’re going to have a hard enough time paying off your hospital bills.” I look to my lap, feeling ashamed. “Hey, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. First, I want to pay for you, it’s no big deal, second, you don’t have a job Cas, I never expected you to pay for your portion of the meal.”

 

“Are you sure Dean?” I ask.

 

“Positive.” He confirms.

 

“Thanks.” I lean over and kiss his cheek, causing him to turn a bright pink.

 

He clears his throat. “Then after I was thinking that we can go on a picnic and then a movie. I mean, obviously we won’t be eating at the picnic unless you’re still hungry but I thought it would be nice to just... you know... hang out.” I stare at him with a soft smile. “What?”

 

My smile grows. “I love you.”

 

The pink on his cheeks gets darker and turns into a deep red. He clears his throat again. “I love you too, Cas.” We pull into a parking space soon after that.

 

I look at the outside of the building while we walk up to the entrance. It looks like a paradise and when we get inside, my jaw drops with amazement. It’s absolutely beautiful. “Wow.”

 

I look at Dean who seems to be in awe as well. “Wow indeed.” We get led to the table that Dean reserved for twelve o’clock.

 

“You even reserved a table.” I point out.

 

“I had too, reservations only.” He adds. When the waiter comes over we order, both of us having red wine, which surprises me with Dean. Dean then orders lobster and I order the king crab, most of the stuff on the menu being seafood.

 

When our food and wine arrives we begin to eat and talk about nothing in particular. Once done, Dean is handed the check and he doesn’t let me see it even though I want to know how much it is. I feel kind of bad for having Dean pay so much money but I tell myself that nothing is going to ruin this evening, _nothing._

 

We go to the park next, Dean pulling a picnic basket out from the back. We walk to a secluded place, right under a giant Oak tree. The sun is out so we sit in the shade of the tree. Dean lays the blue blanket on the ground and sets the basket down. We then sit next to each other.

 

“This is nice.” I comment as Dean dishes out the food he brought.

 

“Dessert.” He sets the plate down and I look at it more closely. “I bought them so I can’t take credit for their deliciousness.”

 

I chuckle and pull a brownie out from under the serum wrap. I take a bite as Dean takes a brownie for himself. “Hmm, they’re good.” I smile and kiss him on the lips. Dean smiles back and leans on the trunk of the tree, me leaning on his chest and enjoying the heat of the day. It’s nice after such a cold winter. “I love you.” I whisper to him.

 

I feel Dean’s lips on the top of my head, burying them in my hair that I’m sure is in a complete disarray. “I love you too.” He whispers against my hair.

 

We lie there for a long time, just enjoying the sun and wind against our skins. I fall asleep at some point and the next thing I know is Dean shaking me gently to wake me. The sun is already almost down and the air is starting to chill. We get up and pack away the things Dean brought with him. “Now what?”

 

Dean smiles to me as we get into the Impala. “Now, it’s time for a movie.”

 

“That’s right.” I say happily.

 

“Yep.” He leans over and pecks my cheek. Starting the car, he drives the fifteen minutes to the movie theater. He asks me what movie I want to watch but I really don’t care so he chooses a horror flick. We both get two big _Coca Colas_ and a large bag of popcorn for me and a bag of licorice for Dean. By the end of the film, I’m feeling anxious to get back home to Elijah, having a bad feeling about leaving him alone for so long. “How about dinner?”

 

I look at him and try to ignore the bad feeling. _I’m not going to let anything ruin this for me._ I think as I answer him. “Sure.” Dean’s smile is wide and shining.

 

“I think I’m getting a raise at work.” He says when we are at the restaurant, mouth full of burger.

 

I got a salad. “That’s great.”

 

“Yeah, I could use one.” He says, taking another bite.

 

“I could use a job period.” I say, taking a drink of my beer. “I can’t just let Elijah pay all the bills, especially now that he’s going to have two hospital bills to pay and he still doesn’t have a job.”

 

Dean looks at me, studying my eyes. “What about insurance?”

 

“It’s not paying the full price for the second time he went and,” I answer him. “they’re going to raise the price of his insurance because of the hefty bill they need to pay.”

 

“Them bastards, it wasn’t even his fault.” Dean concludes.

 

“Yeah.” I agree. “Not to mention Elijah put me on his insurance so you have to take my hospital bill into account as well.”

 

Dean nods. “Yeah.”

 

After we eat supper, Dean finally brings me home. I kiss him on the lips and I think Dean wanted to make out for a little bit but the closer I got to entering that apartment the more uneasy I became. “Bye Dean, love you.”

 

He looks at me as if he’s confused on why I am in such a rush. “Love you too.”

 

I shut the door of the Impala before he can say anything else. I then force myself not to run up to the door of Elijah’s apartment. Digging out my set of keys, I unlock the door and open it. The whole apartment is dark except for the street light coming through the window. “Elijah?” I call but there’s no answer and it worries me. “Elijah?” I call again, stepping into the apartment and shutting the door behind me. I look at the clock and read 9:00.

 

I go to the kitchen and turn on the light. I immediately see the silverware drawer open and a knife sitting on the counter with blood on it. My heart begins to race. I bolt to Elijah’s bedroom and crash the door open. There’s Elijah, standing there with bleeding wrists, tearing up envelopes and crying. “Elijah, what the hell?”

 

I rip the envelope out of his grasp, throwing them onto the floor, and grabbing his hands. I pull him away and into the bathroom. He has yet to say anything and it’s causing me to panic. I grab two towels and wrap them around both his wrists. “What are you thinking, what are you doing?” I ask over and over again, trying to calm myself and not yell at him. God knows that never helped me.

 

I sit the grown man down onto the floor and kneel in front of him. “I tried to stop the urge, I really did but it was too much.” He sobs, not looking me in the eyes. “I haven’t done this for a long time Cas... a very long time.”

 

“I never even knew you used to cut yourself.” I mention.

 

“I never did it very often.” He finally looks up at me. “I never cut deep enough to leave scars.”

 

I stare back, subconsciously rubbing my own scars along my arm. “Stay here.” I tell him then get up. I make my way to his bedroom again and pick up the envelope. It’s open and I pull the letter out of its snug compartment. I read the letter, by the end realizing it’s from his father. I look on the floor and see five other envelopes torn to pieces. I rummage through the clothes drawer I saw Elijah standing by. There’s dozens more envelopes filled with letters to Elijah from his father. I read a few, some of them being nice, others being completely degrading to the man.

 

I go back to the bathroom. “Why’d you keep all these?” I hold up the bunch I read.

 

He visually stiffens. “You wouldn’t understand.”

 

“Try me.” I offer.

 

He looks to the floor and I can feel the shame radiating off him. “For years, I enjoyed getting the letters from him. I looked forward to them.” I look on in disbelief. “That’s why he knows where I live, because I told him.” He begins to cry again. “I just wanted him back and deep down, though I knew it was wrong, I was hoping he’d be released from jail and come get me.”

 

“He probably will once he’s out on parole or something.” I comment.

 

Elijah shakes his head. “No, my lawyer that was assigned my case said if and when he gets out they’ll get a restraining order.”

 

I kneel beside him. “That’s just a piece of paper, doesn’t mean a thing.”

 

“Doesn’t matter anyway,” Elijah adds. “I refused it.” I stand back up, feeling overwhelmed. “It was all my fault he did all that to me anyway, I asked for it.”

 

I look at him. “How, you didn’t ask for your dad to do any of that just like I didn’t ask my mom to beat me and Dean didn’t ask his dad to be a psycho killer.

 

“He always said I asked for it.” He says quietly, looking at the tiled flooring.

 

I kneel back down. “Yeah I read that.” I set the letters aside and pull one of Elijah’s hands into mine, checking to see if the bleeding has stopped. It has so I grab the other hand while Elijah grabs one of the letters. He opens it and reads it as I put pressure on his other wrist because the bleeding has yet to stop. “Hey,” He looks at me from the top of the letter. “Stop reading that.”

 

He ignores me and looks back at the messy handwriting. “I can’t.” He whispers.

 

I pull the letter out of his hand and crinkle it up in front of him. “I said stop.” He looks at the crinkled ball of paper that I threw beside me then at the stack of the other letters I brought. “I’m shredding all of them as soon as we’re done here.” I say sternly.

 

Elijah shifts uncomfortably. “I was getting rid of them when you came in.”

 

“Yeah,” I huff. “While your wrists are seeping blood.”

 

He struggles to get up off the floor and I help him. “I need them out of the apartment.”

 

“And they will be as soon as I know you won’t be dying from blood loss.” I scold as I help him up.

 

“Cutting my wrists is not my choice of suicide.” I watch him exit the bathroom.

 

I follow him. “Then what is?”

 

Elijah grabs a glass from the kitchen and fills it with water, eyeing me as if having a flashback of the past. “You don’t want to know.”

 

“Oh I think I do.” I think back to the soaking clothes. “Drowning, right?”

 

His eyes advert from my eyes, looking down at the floor. “I could never go through with it fully.”

 

“What does that mean?” I ask. “How many times have you tried?”

 

He still doesn’t look at me, sipping at his water. “When I was a teenager? Probably three, four times.” I look at him in disbelief. “As an adult... once.”

 

I take a deep breath. “When I found the wet clothes?”

 

He looks at me, aggravation in his eyes. “No, okay, I wasn’t trying to kill myself then.”

 

“Tell me the truth.” I demand.

 

“It is.” I can see he’s trying not to yell. “What I told you about tripping was the truth, I swear.” He dumps the rest of his water. “I’ll be fine, I’ll get over it.”

 

I nod in annoyance. “Yeah, because I haven’t heard that before... it’s come out of my own mouth Elijah.” I step towards him but he takes a step back. “Elijah, I know the signs, I’ve seen them in the mirror. I know when it’s getting bad and uncontrollable.”

 

I reach out to place a hand on his shoulder but he flinches away. I quickly retreat the hand. “Sorry, just... don’t touch me right now.” He’s on edge and I can see it all over him. “I’m going to go to bed, I’m tired.”

 

He walks away then and after a few seconds I follow him. I stand in the doorway but he hears me and turns to look at me. He moves the comforter from behind him and I crawl in beside him. Taking the comforter from him, I cover myself and wrap my arms around him, pulling him into my chest. I feel him stiffen in my embrace. “You okay?”

 

“My dad used to hold me like this.” It shocks me and I almost let go before changing my mind.

 

I squeeze him tighter. “I’m not your dad.”

 

“It feels like him.” His voice is hoarse, as if he’s trying not to cry.

 

“Want me to stop?” I ask, burying my face in his hair and smelling the shampoo he used this morning.

 

He shakes his head. “No.” The dam breaks then and silent tears rush down his cheeks. Neither I nor him say anything and I don’t even know if he wants me to know he is crying, but I do because of the way he’s shaking in my arms. “He use to tell me not to cry.”

 

“Elijah,” I begin. “Your dad was a sick man, but he’s not here anymore.”

 

He sniffles. “He’s everywhere.”

 

The way he says it makes me know that he no longer wants to discuss the matter. I leave it at that and try to go to sleep. I don’t know who falls asleep first, me or Elijah. I wake to the man beside me whimpering and crying in his sleep. “Elijah.” I shake him gently and his eyes snap open. “Hey, it’s okay.” I brush his hair with my hand. “It was just a bad dream.”

 

He ignores me and gets up, pulling on a pair of pants. I get out of the bed and follow him out to the kitchen. I watch as he opens the freezer and takes out the ice cube tray, popping an ice cube into his hand and pressing it against the inner part of his arm. “I need some rubber bands.” He says out of nowhere.

 

I look on, confused. “What?”

 

“My therapist back when I was a teen told me to snap a rubber band on me whenever I have the need to cut.” He says, dragging the ice cube up and along his arm. “I don’t have any rubber bands here.” The ice steadily melts as he moves it. “The ice is suppose to work as well but I think I prefer the rubber band, it gives a better sting.”

 

“Wish I knew that when I was cutting.” I comment.

 

He smiles at me, placing the ice cube container back in the freezer. “Let’s go for a walk.”

 

I look at the time. “It’s four o’clock in the morning.”

 

“So?” He asks, already making his way to the door. “I need a distraction, Cas.”

 

“Oh.” I shuffle to the bedroom. “Let me just get some pants on.”

 

Elijah nods. “Okay, just... make it quick.”

 

I hurry and grab my pants, almost tripping as I pull them on. “Okay, let’s go.”

 

We leave the house and it’s still dark. We walk up the road, no cars in sight. Everyone is still sleeping. We don’t talk until we reach the end of the road and we have to turn off onto the main road. “If I was going to drown myself I wouldn’t have been wearing clothes so you can start believing me about this morning.”

 

“What do you mean?” I ask him, looking forward and out into the darkness.

 

He sighs and looks to the ground. We’re walking slow. “The five or six times I have ever tried drowning myself, I was naked. I wouldn’t do it with clothes on.”

 

I look at him then and I can see the sincerity in his downcast eyes. “Okay, I believe you.”

 

I hear him chuckle then. “I also have a huge ass black and blue to prove it.” He looks at me and he’s smiling. I smile back but the smile on his tired face soon fades and he looks ahead again. “You know, all this crap with my dad and my teen years... hell, even after... I buried it. I buried it so deep and under so much other shit that I thought that I was good, I’m over it, but then _Mr. Winchester_ has to hit me over the head and it brings it all up again. How does one little event bring all that fucked up shit to the surface?” He glances at me again. “I was good, I was better, _you_ made me better and now that’s all out the window.”

 

“Well,” I begin. “If anyone knows anything about relapses, it’s me, and trust me... there’s no controlling it, no matter who is in your life.” I turn and step in front of him. “Look at me and Dean. I had Dean in my life... sort of... and I still relapsed, hell, I had you in my life.”

 

He stares at me, looking me in the eyes as if trying to read me. “I need to burying it again.”

 

I begin to walk again. “Maybe talking about it will help.”

 

“Well I’m going to tell you right now, I am not going back to a psychiatric hospital. I spent years in one and I’m not doing it again.” He says. “It wasn’t exactly the _greatest_ time of my life and it certainly didn’t have the,” He searches for the word. “ _best_ people there either.”

 

We both stop at a crosswalk, looking both ways before crossing but there’s still no cars in sight. “What did they do to you?”

 

He flinches at the memory. “I... don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“How long were you there for?” I ask next, deciding to leave it.

 

He sighs again and his eyes glaze over. “I was there for four years. It was like living in Hell.”

 

I raise my eyebrows. “Well isn’t it like that for everyone?”

 

“Probably but you weren’t there, you don’t understand.” He explains.

 

“Make me understand then.” I tell him, stopping in my tracks and turning to him.

 

He rolls his eyes. “You had Lucifer and Chuck.” It’s all he says and I encourage him to go on with my eyes. He tilts his head and shakes it. “I was the outcast, no one liked me. They shunned me and there were even a few bullies. It was like high school except with crazy people.” He pauses. “I eventually pretended to get better because I wanted out and when I finally did leave, I was happy I was gone.” I nod my head, understanding. I remember the first time I was in the hospital with Meg and Ruby, except that I did have Lucifer and Chuck at the time, and I could handle the two “sluts” of the whole facility. Elijah continues. “After I got out, I became preoccupied with thoughts of ‘I’m going to bump into my dad and he’ll beat the shit out of me, I’ll do something wrong and he’ll beat the hell out of me, I’ll make something wrong for supper, I’ll forget something, I’ll say the wrong thing when he’s _fucking_ me and he’ll beat the living daylights out of me.’ The thoughts over took my life. Do you know what Stokholm Syndrome is?”

 

“We learned it in psychology, senior year.” I say.

 

“That’s what all my therapists and psychologists told me I had.” He says with a small smile. “Of course, I didn’t believe them at first.”

 

“You believe them now?” I inquire.

 

He begins to walk again. “I wish I had a rubber band.” He glances at me but doesn’t keep the stare. “Of course I do. I realize my dad was a sick man and I don’t love him anymore, I really don’t, but... he’s everywhere.”

 

“Elijah,” I grab his arm and he stops. “He’s in jail with a God knows how long sentence. You don’t have to worry about him for years.”

 

“I have to worry about him now, I have to worry about him forever because he’s in my head.” His voice is angry sounding. “He’s in my dreams and because of that I can never escape him. All I can do is bury it as far down as it’ll go and pile more shit on top.”  He sighs. “You can’t escape your nightmares, Cas.”

 

I still have dreams about John with a gun or knife, even a baseball bat. “I understand, trust me I understand. You know, what John did may not be as bad as what your father ever did to you, maybe you should try thinking about that instead and you’ll dream about him instead. It’ll still be a nightmare but it won’t be as bad.”

 

He shakes his head no. “There’s no replacing it. PTS, it comes with the Stockholm Syndrome. It never did fully go away. I have always had bad dreams about my dad. There’s some good nights and then there is some _really_ bad nights. I get through it.”

 

We stop in front of a building, under a street lamp. “How long does this ‘episode’ normally last?”

 

Elijah is staring at his reflection. “I look a lot like him you know.” I look at him, not really knowing what to say to that. “Everytime I look in the mirror I see his face and all the things he ever said to me, he ever called me, race through my head at the speed of sound.” He whispers. “Everyday that happens and I don’t know how to stop it because I look like him. I wish I didn’t look like him.”

 

“Elijah,” I start but he interrupts me.

 

“I just need one thing on me, just one thing, to look like my mother.” I can see him turning pale. “But I’m overrun with _him_.”

 

I look at his reflection and the tears that are starting to pool in his eyes. “I’m sure there’s something that looks like her.”

 

He shakes his head. “I remember this one time, I was looking through the shop window. It was about two months after my mom died and my dad came up beside me. I looked up at his reflection, standing next to mine. I remember pointing out all the similarities and then that night... that night was the first time my dad drunk and beat me because I forgot to wash the clothes earlier that day. After that, every time I looked in a mirror, I would memorize what we had in common. Same shaped head, same hair, same eyes, same nose, same mouth, same skin, same blood.” I look at him and I wish I could do something. “I would stand there, in front of the mirror, for hours repeating that over and over again in my head, trying to pick just one thing that looked like my mom. I never could figure it out, I never could find that one thing.”

 

“But you were just looking at the surface.” I offer. “You’re nothing like your dad and what you’ve told me about your mother, you sound more like her than anything.”

 

He continues to look at the reflection. “Now I even have the same voice.” I open my mouth to ask him if he heard me but he continues in a small whisper that I almost don’t catch. “Like I said, he’s everywhere.” He turns and starts walking home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. :)


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoy this story and thank you to all the people that stuck with this story through the whole thing (including the badly written chapters). Thank you to all of you who not only stuck with it but also reviewed. It makes me really happy to know that you all liked it that much. :)

**Chapter 40:**

 

Elijah and I are in the living room, beer in his hand and me kneeling on the floor filing through a box of old VHS’s. “You have a lot of them.”

 

“Well, there was a time when DVD’s weren’t around.” Elijah comments as he sips at his beer.

 

I pull out one of the VHS’s that is labeled Family Video instead of one of the many movies. “Family Video.” I read aloud and look at Elijah. “Can I watch it?”

 

Elijah shrugs. “Sure, I’ve never seen it.”

 

“How come?” I ask as I stand up to put it in the VHS player.

 

“Never got around to it. I only have it because it’s the only one my mom ever made.” He says. “It’s not like I had the perfect childhood for her to video tape.”

 

I nod and go sit next to him on the couch. The opening scene is when Elijah is running around in the backyard. He can’t be more than five years old. He’s playing with a dog, a golden retriever as he runs, huge smile on his face. “Honey, be careful.” A woman’s voice calls out and Elijah looks at her.

 

The little boy then runs up to her. “Mommy, can we get a dog?”

 

The woman, Elijah’s mother, kneels down. “No honey, not right now, maybe in a few years time.”

 

“But then Scooter,” The golden retriever comes up, panting in the hot sun. “can have a friend instead of being all alone.”

 

His mom laughs. “I’m sure the neighbors would love for Scooter to have a friend but we can’t right now sweetie.”

 

I look to Elijah sitting next to me. He seems content and happy. He has a slight smile on his face and it’s more than I’ve seen a week.

 

“Merrielle,” A males voice says from behind Elijah’s mother. Kid Elijah’s smile immediately disappears. “We should be getting home.”

 

Merrielle stands up to face the man who I assume is Elijah’s father. “We just got here.” Her tone of voice has changed from happy to weary in about a second.

 

The camera is facing Elijah’s father now. He’s tall, maybe the same height as Dean, with dark hair just like Elijah’s. Elijah wasn’t kidding when he said he looks like his father, he looks almost identical.

 

The camera cuts out there and the next thing we see is someone videotaping as they walk down a hallway. “Elijah is sleeping,” Merrielle’s voice says from behind the camera. “He’s so cute when he’s sleeping.” She sounds sweet and loving. She walks up to a closed door. “Well that’s weird, why is his door closed?” Merrielle opens the door at that time and there in Elijah’s room is his father standing by the bed with Elijah crying. She hesitates and then sets the camcorder down onto something. I’m guessing Elijah’s bureau. Merrielle rushes up to Elijah and tries to scoop him into her arms but he flinches away. She’s beautiful, her blonde hair flowing freely with a slight indentation of where the elastic was when she had it up in a ponytail. Her eye color is very similar to her husband’s except a little lighter blue than his. I’m not surprised Elijah never realized that his eye color is a lot more like his mother’s than his father’s. “What did you do to him?” She asks, looking at her husband.

 

Elijah beside me clears his throat and gets up. “You want something to drink?”

 

His father on the screen says, “I didn’t do anything, he was cry and I was trying to calm him down.”

 

I look at now Elijah as his mother looks at his father quizzically. “Sure.” Elijah walks to the kitchen and I return to watching the screen.

 

Merrielle looks back to kid Elijah who is still crying. “Come on Merrielle, let the kid cry.”

 

“He’s my son, Anderson.” She says and I can see Anderson roll his eyes.

 

“Let’s go.” He says forcefully and grabs her arm. “If he wants to be a baby, then let him.”

 

She tries to get her arm away but Anderson pulls her up and pushes her slightly towards the door. She stands her ground for about a second then turns around and picks up the video camera. “Fine.”

 

“Is that thing on?” Anderson asks as they exit Elijah’s room.

 

“No.” I can’t tell if she really thinks that or if she is deceiving him. They go into their own room, Merrielle setting the camcorder on another surface. She rounds on Anderson, getting right in his face. “If you touch him, I swear to God I will divorce you.”

 

He grabs her arm again except this time you can tell it’s rougher than before. “You can’t leave me, I won’t let you.”

 

She hesitates and seems to think about it. “Then you’ll have to kill me and your son because I will not let you hurt him.”

 

“You little bitch.” Anderson says and throws her onto the bed. “You really think you can defy me?” He slaps her and when she faces him again she has blood where her lip split.

 

“I may not be able to leave you, you ass, but you won’t kill me.” She says courageously.

 

“You want a bet?” Anderson pins her to the bed then and goes to hit her again.

 

She speaks before he can, wicked smile on her face. “You don’t want me to leave because in some twisted way you love me. If you were going kill me you wouldn’t threaten me that I can’t divorce you. So don’t touch my son ever again.”

 

“He’s my son too.” Anderson seems beyond angry now.

 

Merrielle smiles again. “I haven’t considered him your son since you laid your evil hands on him. You don’t even love him.”

 

He slaps her again, causing the split on her lip to bleed again. “I do love him.”

 

She shakes her head. “No you don’t. If you did you wouldn’t hurt him.” Anderson pushes off her and starts walking out of the room. “Where are you going?”

 

“Out to get a drink.” He then slams the door shut.

 

That’s when Merrielle starts to cry, wiping her lip off with the back of her hand. She walks up to the camcorder and looks into the lens, wiping her tears away. She looks at it and then shuts the lens. All there is shuffling and then the door shutting, accompanied with a black screen. I don’t think Merrielle realized the camera was still on. The tape runs out then.

 

“I remember that day.” I turn around to see Elijah standing in the doorway, two lemonades in his hands. “I was five and I was tired so Mom put me to bed earlier than normal. When she went to do something and I was almost fast asleep,” Elijah hands me my glass. “My dad came into my room. That’s the very first time he ever…” Elijah trails off but my mind fills in the rest. “He never did it again after that night until I was fourteen. I’m surprised he didn’t continue right after Mom died. Maybe he was in denial about her death or something.”

 

“I’m sorry Elijah.” I say.

 

“I remember hearing them fight. It wasn’t the first time but it was the first time I didn’t go to Mom to comfort her.” He shakes his head in disappointment. “All because _Daddy_ touched little Elijah in the wrong way.” Elijah sits down next me. By now the TV screen has gone to snow. I press the stop and then the rewind button on the remote. “Remind me throw that tape out.”

 

“I’ll do it for you.” I say in a disgusted tone. It causes the slightest little smile to cross Elijah’s face. “Hey Elijah, I’ve been thinking for a few days now, since that walk we took, maybe… maybe it’ll do you some good to, you know, face the problem.” He looks at me confused. “You’re older now so maybe you should go see your dad, talk to him and tell him how much of a dick he is.”

 

Elijah is in shock and his face has gone pale. “You’re kidding.”

 

I shrug. “Sometimes confrontation helps.”

 

He looks away from me and at a picture frame. The picture is of a woman that I now know is his mother. I never asked him who it was before, thinking that he would eventually tell me himself once he was ready. Now the video tape has told me. “Okay, I’ll go see him but I don’t want to alone.”

 

“I’ll go with you.” I offer.

 

“We’ll go tomorrow then.” He then gets up and walks to his bedroom.

 

Tomorrow doesn’t take its sweet old time to get here. Before I know it, Elijah is driving the both of us to the prison his father is being held in. It takes a little over an hour to get there. He parks in a parking spot that seems miles away from the building and just stares at it. “I can’t believe I’m doing exactly what my father wants me to do.”

 

“You going to be okay?” I ask.

 

He stares a little more. “Let me get back to you on that.” He shakes his head, rolls his eyes, then gets out, me following. Because of Elijah parking so far away from the building, by the time we reach the entrance we’re sweating from the blazing sun.

 

“You sure now is visiting hours?” I ask as we step inside.

 

Elijah nods as he walks up to the front desk. “Hello, we’re here to see Anderson Dongoski.”

 

“One moment please.” The man behind the window says into the small microphone. After typing something into the computer, he pushes a book towards us. “Can you please sign your name.”

 

“Both of us?” I ask as Elijah signs.

 

The man, whose name tag says Officer Lee, shakes his head. “No, one will be fine.” Elijah hands the book back through the slot in the glass window. “Okay you can step through that door and follow Officer McKanley to the visiting room. Someone will then retrieve Mr. Dongoski for you.” We say our thanks and the Officer buzzes the door.

 

As expected, Officer McKanley is standing there waiting to escort us to the visiting room. Never have gone to visit someone in jail, the visiting room isn’t what I expect. All it is, is a group of tables with some chairs around them. There’s no glass or phone or anything you normally see in those TV shows or movies. I guess they only do that kind of visit for high profile people. We sit at the table the officer tells us to and watch as he walks out to where the prisoners are.

 

When he comes back Anderson is in tow. Elijah physically stiffens but he also sits up a little straighter. Anderson spots us, and more importantly his son, and a wide grin forms on his lips. As he gets closer he begins to laugh. “Can you imagine my surprise when they said I had a visitor?” I look to Elijah and the look on his face is as if he’s seen a ghost. Anderson sits down, smug look on his face. “What brings my son here?”

 

Elijah opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out so I speak for him. “He’s come here to tell you something.”

 

“And who exactly are you?” He’s scary and definitely the same height as Dean, being around 6’1”, 6’2”.

 

“I’m his friend.” I answer and notice Elijah has cease giving his father eye contact.

 

“I’m sure.” Anderson looks me up and down. “What do you need to tell me son?” Elijah doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t even look up. “Tell me.”

 

Elijah finally looks up then and he looks absolutely frightened. _Maybe this was a bad idea_. “He wants to set some things straight. Isn’t that right Elijah?”

 

“I don’t need some homo answering for my son.” Anderson says aggressively. “He can speak for himself.”

 

“I…” Elijah starts but doesn’t continue.

 

A wicked smile appears on Anderson’s face. “You’re just as much as a fucking wimp as you were before.” Elijah looks away then. “How pathetic.”

 

“You’re the pathetic one.” I say back. “You caused your own son to grow up in fear. What kind of father does that?”

 

His smile is still there and he leans in a little. “Look at that, the faggot is standing up for his butt fucking buddy.”

 

Elijah flinches beside me but doesn’t stand up for me. I lean into Anderson too. He doesn’t flinch. “I’d rather be a _faggot_ than a child molester. Tell me, how many people in here know what you did to your son and didn’t almost kill you for it?”

 

Elijah’s father doesn’t flinch. “All them know and they worship me.”

 

I hesitate then, unprepared for that answer. “I doubt it.” I give him a mischievous smile.

 

“Okay, maybe not at first but I gained their respect.” He laughs and then yells. “It’s like being the King of Hell.” More quietly he continues. “Can you imagine how that feels?” Anderson turns back to Elijah. “I feel right at home. Though,” He reaches out. “I do miss you son.”

 

I jump out of my chair and grab his wrist, squeezing tightly and getting right in his face. “Don’t you touch him.” I growl and he laughs.

 

“Or what?” He tilts his head. “You can’t stop me.”

 

“Watch me.” I say, getting angry now. Elijah still sits there.

 

“Fine, I’ll show you how much power I have.” He looks at Elijah. “Look at me Elijah.” Elijah continues looking at his lap. “I said look at me.” Anderson says more demandingly. Elijah immediately looks up. “Tell your lover to get his hands off me.” He never loses eye contact with his son and the feeling it gives me causes the hairs on the back of neck to stand on end.

 

“Cas let go of him.” I hear Elijah say in a small voice.

 

“What?” I’m so shocked that I let go.

 

Anderson smiles in triumph. “That’s my boy.” He stokes Elijah’s cheek and it’s as if the man freezes. He does nothing, just sits there all stiff and frightened, allowing his father to touch his cheek.

 

“Elijah,” I step away from the chair. “let’s go, this was a bad idea.”

 

“Awe, but you just got here.” Anderson mocks. “You don’t really want to go do you son?”

 

Elijah is still paralyzed by the hand that is now on his neck, Anderson’s thumb rubbing circles in the clavicle. “Cas we can… stay longer.”

 

I know he says it out of fear but it pisses me off, though I’m angry at his father and not Elijah himself. “No we’re leaving.” I grab his arm and pull him in which Anderson stands too and rounds the table.

 

“At least let me give my son a hug goodbye. Who knows when I’ll see him next?” I go to stop him but he reaches Elijah before I can. Anderson wraps his arms around the slender man and I can see the alarm appear immediately on Elijah’s face. His face turns an even whiter color, so pale that I would think he was dead or a vampire, and he looks like he’s going to throw up. Anderson’s hand makes a fast path down and he places his palm on Elijah’s ass. He then whispers in his ear, “You always were so fantastic in bed while I fucked you senseless.” Elijah’s jaw drops and tears pool in his eyes.

_This was a very, very bad idea_. All of this happens in a split second and as soon as I see his hand and hear what he says, I see red. “I told you not to touch him!” I punch Anderson and he stumbles back, laughing the whole time. Elijah too stumbles away from his father and scrambles to get out of the room. I jump on Anderson and start beating on him. “You sick bastard!” I scream over and over until the guards pull me off of the laughing man. His laugh infuriates me.

 

“You’re just as much as a pussy as my pathetic son!” He yells as the guards pull me away.

 

I struggle to get away. “I’m going to kill you, you bastard!” The cops keep dragging me out of the room and the last thing I here is Anderson’s nefarious laugh. I shrug the cops off. “Okay, I’m leaving.” I exit the building and heat hits my face. It hasn’t cooled off any and sweat begins to drip off my skin almost immediately. “Fuck!” I yell and then notice Elijah over by the bushes, puking. I calm myself, just now realizing how much my knuckles ache, and walk over to the man. “You going to be okay?”

 

I can tell he’s crying even with his head bowed. “Just peachy.” He lifts his left hand and wipes his eyes. He then stands up straight. “Let’s get out of here.”

 

“Here give me the keys, I’ll drive home.” Elijah hands me the keys and we both walk over to the car and get in. Once at home I say, “Elijah I’m sorry, that obviously was not a very good idea.”

 

He looks at me and he look worn out and tired. “It’s fine, let’s just never do it again.” I nod and watch him walk away. I then go to the freezer and get some ice, dumping it in a bag, and holding it on my right knuckles.

 

As I’m doing that the phone rings. “Cas, it’s Dean.”

 

I go and pick up one of the receivers and hear a click as Elijah hangs up. “Dean?”

 

“Hey Cas.” Dean’s sweet voice sounds from the phone.

 

My mood is slightly lifted. “Hello, Dean.”

 

“We haven’t talked in like… a week. I just wanted to…” He clears his throat and I can just see him blushing. “hear you.”

 

“It’s good to hear you too Dean.” I rest my right hand on the arm of the couch, placing the ice pack on it while holding the phone with my head. “How are you doing?”

 

“Fine, you?” He says.

 

“I’m fine.” It’s half right.

 

Elijah walks out and looks considerably better. “Invite Dean over for dinner.” I know it’s all a front though. “I think I’ll make lasagna.”

 

I watch Elijah for a little bit, feeling guilty, then return my attention to Dean who was talking. “I’m sorry what was that?”

 

“Um…” Dean seems confused. “I was just telling you how this one person came into the garage today and his car didn’t have anything wrong, though the dude insisted that there was because, and I quote, ‘I use to tinker with cars’. Yeah well my job is fixing them douche bag.”

 

I smile because that response is totally Dean. “Dean, would you like to come over for dinner?”

 

“Let me just check my calendar Cas.” I hear the smile on Dean’s face. “Yeah, I think I’m free.” We both chuckle and my heart swells. “What time?”

 

“Elijah, what time?” I call to the man in the kitchen.

 

“Anytime within the next hour and forty-five minutes.” Elijah calls back.

 

“Hour and forty-five minutes.” I say.

 

“Can I just come now?” Dean asks. “I haven’t left the garage yet and it’s easier than going out again.”

 

“Yeah sure.” I agree. “I’m sure Elijah won’t mind either.”

 

“Okay see you in a bit.” He doesn’t hang up yet and hesitates. “Um… love you Cas.” He says it quietly, embarrassingly.

 

I smile at his cuteness. “I love you too Dean.”

 

I hear him smile and then he hangs up. I go and try to help Elijah. “It’s my mother’s recipe. I worked hard to perfect it after she died.” He says as he get the ingredients ready. Not too soon after, water boiling on the stove, there’s a knock on the door.

 

I go and open it. “Hello Dean.”

 

“Hey.” He leans down and kisses me. I let him in just as soon as Elijah appears out of the kitchen.

 

“I have to go out.” He announces.

 

“Why?” I ask, blocking his way.

 

“I’m missing some ingredients, like the beef, it’s gone bad so I had to throw it out.” He claims.

 

I look at Dean. “Why don’t we go with you?”

 

Dean looks at me as if to say what and Elijah looks at me confused. “There’s no need.”

 

“I insist.” Elijah looks at me as if he’s finally realized what I’m doing. “You don’t mind do you Dean?”

 

Dean shakes his head. “No I guess not.”

 

Elijah look annoyed. “I’m not going to have our guest go to a grocery store, I can go alone.”

 

“It’s just,” I keep at it. “I feel like going for a ride.”

 

Elijah rolls his eyes. “Fine but I’m driving.” We exit the apartment. The reason why I want to go with him is because I’m afraid to let him out of my sight, especially after what happened at the jail. Once at the grocery store we go in. We walk the isles grabbing the materials that are missing when Elijah turns to Dean. “Could you get some white sugar, please?”

 

Dean nods. “Sure.” He walks away.

 

“I could have done this alone you know.” Elijah mentions as soon as Dean is out of the isle.

 

“I’m worried about you.” I tell him.

 

“It’s a grocery store.” He says as if I don’t know. “It’s not like I’m going to kill myself in a grocery store.”

 

“Yeah but you can drive off a bridge.” I explain.

 

A small smile appears on the man’s face. “No that’s your thing.”

 

I smile too, remembering that day I called him while I stood on the bridge. We didn’t know each other that long at that time and I’m surprised Elijah remembers that. “Right.”

 

Elijah goes to reach for some canned tomato sauce. It’s on the top shelf so he has to stand on his tiptoes. Even so, he still has a hard time reaching, even being 5’10”, because they are pushed back to far. I start to wonder if I would fare any better, only being one inch taller than him, when someone else, who has to be 6’1”, comes along and grabs one for him. The said man hands it to Elijah. “Here you go. They really shouldn’t have them pushed back that far.”

 

“Thanks.” Elijah says politely and turns to put the can in the cart.

 

I watch as recognition slowly forms on the man’s face but Elijah is already walking away. “Elijah, Elijah Dongoski?” Elijah stop dead in his movement and turns a questioning look at the man. The guy chuckles. “It is you.”

 

“I’m sorry do I-” Elijah begins as he studies the guy but cuts himself off as he recognizes the guy too. His mouth moves silently before something comes out. “J-J-Jacob… P-Perlman.”

 

The gives him and _amazingly_ _attractive_ smile. “You recognize me.” He seems pleased.

 

Elijah laughs nervously as he smiles, a slight pink forming on his face. “Yeah… who could forget your face I mean you.” The red on Elijah’s cheeks brightens. Jacob smiles at Elijah. Looking between them I clear my throat just as Dean comes back. Elijah looks at both of us. “Um… Jacob, these two are my friends, Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester. Dean and Cas, Jacob Perlman an… an old friend from high school, Junior year his senior.”

 

Jacob leans on one of the shelves. “Now see I would have introduced myself as an ex-boyfriend.”

 

Elijah chuckles again. I’ve never seen him so… flustered. It causes my eyebrows to rise in amusement. “Right, right, he is an ex-boyfriend.” There’s then some awkward silence.

 

“So,” Jacob breaks in, turning serious. “How have you been?”

 

Elijah doesn’t answer at first. “Fine, fine, I’ve-I’ve been fine.” Jacob looks him up and down, almost scrutinizing. “No more bruises, my dad is in jail as you should already know.”

 

“Yeah,” Jacob nods. “Not only was it in the paper but it was the rumor of the year.”

 

Elijah looks down then, flinching a little. “Of course it was.”

 

“What are they talking about?” Dean whispers in my ear.

 

“I think you’re about to find out.” I just say.

 

“Look Elijah,” Jacob begins. “I’m really sorry about that day.”

 

Elijah looks the man in the eyes. “It would have come out eventually.”

 

“Yeah but I blame myself everyday for it.” Jacob says with a sad smile. “I shouldn’t have blabbed it like that just because we were fighting and certainly shouldn’t have said it like that.”

 

“You still remember how you said it.” He nods.

 

“And I’ll never forget the look on your face, the hurt I put there.” He mentions.

 

“It got you what you wanted, my dad put away.” Elijah comments.

 

“I didn’t want it to happen like that.” He says. “I was an ass.”

 

Elijah smiles and it’s the first real, big smile that I have seen in _weeks_. “Let’s talk about something else, that’s in the past and I’m not going to hold a grudge against you for it.”

 

“Well that’s the last thing I expected.” Jacob observes. “Especially from you but… it really is good to see you out of your shell more, you know with more than one friend.”

 

Elijah continues to smile. “And ones I didn’t push away.”

 

Jacob chuckles and shifts on his feet. “Yeah.”

 

“So, are seeing anyone?” Elijah asks, pink returning to his cheeks.

 

Jacob studies him. “Not at the moment. Why, you have someone in mind for me?”

 

Elijah chuckles, full of nerves once again. “N-n-no, no, I was just… just curious.”

 

Jacob smiles and motions to him at the same time. “What about you?”

 

“I’ve had two boyfriends since getting out of the hospital but no, I’m-I’m single at the moment.” Elijah looks very flustered. “In fact, Castiel here is an ex of mine and Dean is actually his current boyfriend.”

 

“Well,” Dean begins. “At least I hope I’m his boyfriend, we never really established it.”

 

Now it’s my turn to blush. “Yeah, we’re boyfriends.”

 

“Cool, glad see the exes as friends worked out for you two.” Jacob says. “By the way Elijah, I tried to visit when you were in the psychiatric hospital but they said you weren’t taking visitors and by the time you were I was off at college.”

 

“Yeah,” Elijah starts. “No, I know, they told me that I needed to earn visiting rights but they also told me every time you tried to visit.”

 

“So you…” He trails off before continuing. “You didn’t think I abandoned you, did you?”

 

Elijah looks at him. “Not at first but then eventually the orderlies stopped telling me that you came. I mean I knew about you going to college but… you were the only person I had left and knowing that you were off having fun somewhere and coming to see me… I felt terribly alone.”

 

Jacob looks shocked and hurt. Not hurt by what Elijah just said but hurt at his own decisions from all those years ago. “I doubt it’ll make you feel better but I was miserable at college without you and when I came back here… I tried searching you up but you were already out of the hospital and you weren’t in the phone book. And eventually, as you did too, I moved on. Dated a few guys here and there but… it never did feel like the way it felt with you.”

 

“Even with a guy who allowed his father to fuck him?” Elijah asks and Dean’s reaction is one of shock and disgust.

 

“What?” They both ignore the green eyed man.

 

“I’ll explain later Dean.” I promise him.

 

Jacob smiles and nods his head. “Yeah, even with that.”

 

Elijah looks like he’s in some love trance. Then, all of a sudden, a woman comes up to us. “Jacob can you hold Charley for a minute?”

 

Jacob takes the toddler of not more than two years, and holds her in his arms as the woman walks away. “Well isn’t she nice.”

 

“Was that just your sister?” Elijah asks.

 

“Yep,” Jacob says. “good old Haley, doesn’t even introduce herself or say hi.”

 

Elijah chuckles. “She didn’t say hi at that Easter dinner either.”

 

Jacob shakes his head in amusement. “No she didn’t did she. Probably because she was too busy embarrassing me with gay comments about us.”

 

“That my father was not too happy about.” Elijah points out.

 

“And exactly why I had you sleep over.” Jacob points out and they both chuckle. Dean seem uncomfortable beside me but I’m just full of amusement at how they are acting around each other. It’s like a total different side of Elijah that I’ve never seen.

 

“So whose that?” Elijah motions to the child in Jacob’s arms.

 

“My niece.” He says proudly. “And before you ask, yes Haley did marry that guy she would not shut up about during Easter.”

 

Elijah smiles. “That’s good.”

 

“Do you want to hold her?” He holds the child out.

 

Elijah’s demeanor changes instantly as he steps back a step. “I don’t think so.”

 

Jacob’s smile disappears. “I see something haven’t changed. You’re still scared of holding a child. Let me guess, you still don’t want children of your own?” Elijah looks away. “Elijah, seriously, I’ve told you before-”

 

Elijah cuts him off. “I’ve told you before Jacob, I’m never having children of my own and I’m never holding a child. You know where this conversation will go if we keep having it so just drop it.”

 

Jacob surrenders. “Okay, sorry. I should probably get going and I’m sure you guys want to get back to shopping.” Elijah nods in agreement and we all turn away. Before we get far, however, Jacob calls out to Elijah. “Elijah,” Elijah turns. “here…” Jacob writes something on a piece of scrap paper and hands it to Elijah. “call me sometime okay. We can catch up and maybe…” He trails off shyly.

 

Elijah smiles, looking at the digits on the paper. “I will, thanks.”

 

Jacob smiles again. “It was really good seeing you again, Elijah.”

 

Elijah smiles lovingly. “You too Jacob.”

 

We then turn and leave, finishing up shopping without anymore interruptions. After supper, with Elijah gone to sleep and Dean and I on the couch watching a movie, I explain things to Dean. “And I thought my dad was messed up. I’d rather have a killer dad than a pedophile as one.”

 

“I would take John over Anderson any day.” I say, leaning on Dean and soaking up his warmth. “Though they’re both evil in their own ways.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean kisses the top of my head.

Dean decides to sleep over and when I wake, he’s on the floor, presumably falling off in the middle of the night. It causes me to chuckle. I smell bacon so I get up, careful not to step on Dean, and make my way to the kitchen where Elijah is making breakfast. “Can I ask you something?” Elijah nods. “How come you don’t want to be a father someday?”

       

Elijah hesitates. “Because I know I’ll be a bad one?”

       

I’m surprised that he thinks that. “Seriously? Elijah, you would be like the perfect dad.”

       

He stays calm but I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it. “No I wouldn’t, I would be horrible.”

       

I keep pushing anyway. “Why do you say that?”

       

He hesitates again, thinking of what to say or how to word what he is going to say. “… Because I would turn out like my father, at least statistics say I will.”

       

Again, I’m surprised. Does he really not believe in himself that much? “Elijah, I don’t believe that one second.”

       

Elijah rolls his eyes. I’m pushing my luck. “Okay, you want to know how I’m sure I fall in those statistics?” I don’t say anything. “Well, I use to drink so much that eventually I had a hard time even getting drunk.”

       

“Really?” I ask.

       

Elijah explains. “My dad, when my mom was alive, use to drink at least three beers a night and after she died, it got worse to the point where he would drink five to six beers each night sometimes more. On more than one occasion I would find my dad passed out on the couch and I would have to struggle to carry him up the stairs. I mean don’t get me wrong, I never touched the stuff when I was with my dad, that would have led to an immediate beating if he found out that I drank _his_ beer but once I got out of the psychiatric hospital…” Elijah shrugs. “Well, I faked my way out of the hospital, pretended I was fine. When I got out turned out I wasn’t ready so I took up drinking to lessen the pain, forget the memories, especially since at that time I still suffered from PTSD. So the alcohol… I don’t know… helped, or so I thought. It eventually got to the point where I couldn’t get drunk anymore unless I risked alcohol poisoning. So I got help, joined an AA meeting and got clean, sober. Obviously I couldn’t stay totally away from alcohol since I still have it once in a while but I learned how to manage it so I wouldn’t resort back to being an alcoholic.” I don’t say anything. “Bottom line, I ended up just like my dad. An angry, abusive, violent alcoholic who couldn’t live with the trials life throws at you. It will be the same way with my children.”

       

“Elijah, being an alcoholic is totally different than being a child molester.” I try to explain.

       

It doesn’t get through. “Yeah but it’s all I know. Just like with alcohol, that’s the only way I knew how to deal with my problems because I never learned any other way. I grew up watching my dad suppress all the pain he felt with alcohol. Just like that, I grew up watching my dad beat my mother and then when she died, beat me not to mention the other things he did to me.”

       

“Yeah but-” He cuts me off.

       

“Like I said, it’s all I know. I don’t know how to properly discipline a child. Tell me, when a child does something wrong, how do you show them or tell them that it is wrong without yelling and hitting them? Because honestly, I don’t know, I don’t know the answer to that. All I know is if you do something wrong, expect a black eye later.” He sounds sad, disappointed, hopeless.

       

I think for a minute then say, “You could take a class on parenting.”

       

Elijah shakes his head. “That won’t help because it’s born into me… beat into me. I’m never becoming a parent Castiel, period.” Elijah walks away then, two plates in hand. “I called Jacob this morning, he’s coming to breakfast.”

 

I look after him, wishing I could change his view but I know I can’t. “You really like this Jacob guy don’t you?” I ask, changing the subject.

 

Elijah smiles. “Yeah, he was great back in high school, really great.”

 

I then ask, “Are you guys hoping you two can get together again?”

 

Elijah shrugs. “Maybe.” Dean wakes up then. “I’ll go get the other plates.”

 

There’s a knock at the door and I go get it to reveal Jacob himself. “Hey.” He greets.

 

“Hello, come on in.” He walks in. “I live here if you’re confused.”

 

“I was a little but I wasn’t going to pry.” Jacob comments.

 

“Ah, my back.” I look around Jacob to see Dean peering over the back of the couch, bed head in full spring. “Oh, hi Jacob.” Jacob waves as I laugh, shaking my head.

 

I walk up to Dean. “Come on let’s go take a shower.” I motion to the two other males in the room who look like they just stepped into heaven.

 

Dean’s eyebrows shoot up. “Sounds good to me.”

 

He begins guiding me to the bathroom along with kissing my neck. “I’m not sex with you when Elijah and Jacob are in the other room.”

 

We end up having sex.

 

We both quickly get dress, me in new clothes while Dean wears the same clothes from yesterday, and go and eat our breakfast. For the rest of the day we hang out, Elijah and Jacob catching up on old times while Dean and I listen to learn about Jacob more.

 

Soon it’s nine o’clock at night with a movie popped into the DVD player. Elijah and Jacob are on the couch asleep, Elijah leaning into Jacob which makes for an adorable picture that I just so happen to capture on my phone, and Dean and I sitting in the chair, me on his lap.

 

“Hey,” Dean taps my leg to indicate to get off. “Follow me.” He whispers in order to not wake the two men. I follow outside where the night air is cool, even in the summer. He hops onto the hood of the Impala and pats the space beside him. “You remember watching the stars that night?”

 

“The night John first shot me?” I ask with a smile.

 

“Yeah but we don’t have to remember that part.” He pulls me in closer. “Elijah looks like he’s happy.”

 

“Yeah.” I agree. “I think he’s going to be okay. It’ll take a little time but I think something finally came around that he can look forward too. Maybe even change his views on having kids.”

 

There’s silence for about a couple minutes before Dean speaks. “Do you want kids someday Cas?”

 

I look up at Dean and smile. “Someday.”

 

“Do you think you’ll want them with me?” He asks.

 

I sit up. “Where is this coming from?”

 

Dean shrugs. “Well, seeing Jacob’s niece got me thinking.” I stay quiet in order for him to continue. “I want to adopt kids with you, have little runts running around.” My smile grows. “Obviously not now since we still have some issues to work out but eventually I want kids with you.”

 

I feel like crying but instead hug the man I love. “I love you Dean, I would love that.”

 

Dean hugs back. “I love you too Cas.”

 

I lean back down resting my head on Dean’s shoulder. “We’ll be okay.” I say, meaning it to the very last feeling within my chest.

 

Though I can’t see it I know Dean smiles. “Yeah, we’ll be fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End! Thank you for reading. :)


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